Time: 00:11
Now that we're on the verge of leaving home...will it ever be the same when we return?
Mull over that. I cried the first time I watch it.
Gianne wrote a while back about the concept of forgivable aspects. To paraphrase her, it is a concept where....people still stick to certain sort of people, no matter how fucked up they are.
A little like "he ain't heavy, he's my brother"...like a person may be a fucktard but he's got friends because he's generous, loyal and a good entertainer...or she may be the biggest bitch in the world but you won't find a more honest person, either...and those are the qualities that still draw people to people. That there are 'forgivable' qualities about you that no matter how exasperating you've been, people still forgive you because of them.
Here's what Gianne left for me:
your forgivable aspects?
1) i love how much you are able to feel, and your capacity to love.
2) i love the way your mind works. sometimes i'm a little afraid of your depth because i might get get lost or drown in it. (can i dissect your brainnnn????)
(in short, you're a person of great substance ;P)
3) you bring yourself so well when articulating your ideas and opinions; it's like i can feel the clouds parting and light shining through wtf
4) you... challenge me to be a better person =).
5) you're funny and quick and interesting and a supremely wonderful friend (pretty much everything, short of a worship altar XD)
6) you're like fried tofu wtf. from outside you're a strong person, and at the same time, you're vulnerable ... it's something that i find endearing.
7) okay, this is so superficial but you're Miss Vavavoom!!! lesbian lovers insist!!
(please take this list out and slap yourself with it in the case of low self-esteem okay wtf)
Thank you, Gianne. I'm not sure if I live up to all you say, but indeed if that's what you think of me...I could live in peace with knowing I've done alright and will strive to do so continuously. So if I ever screw up, please screw me over.
What do the rest of you think?
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Saturday, March 22, 2008
A bit o'progress
Time: 02:00
I'm happily reporting that I've done the content analysis, for most part. I sat myself down yesterday evening and since 3pm today, and started what I should've done weeks ago. I think all in all I spent over 10 hours staring at articles and trying to determine their slants and angles and counting paragraphs, and my eyes literally glazed over. Nonetheless...only pie charts and graphs, and honest writing to do now. Will submit the first draft soon, and then spend the next couple weeks writing and amending my final draft. My bum is numb, and my days here are numbered.
I'm counting down, winding up, tightening loose ends.
Yesh, I can smell freedom. It's so near, beckoning to me.
It is at times like this I must remember why I picked content analysis, this particular topic, my purpose of studying, my commitment and my goals. And I must dream a little of the victory that could be mine if I fight hard enough for it. I know I always play down things, because there's this innate fear that I will not live up to the mark, and perhaps I fear disappointing myself beyond anything. Afterall, it seems like I can never get what I want the way I want it. But I gotta start to believe and hope.
Joy comes to my life in quiet, unexpected ways. Sometimes they are such small things, they seem insignificant. But even a smile can make someone's day, so, why not. Being open to realms of possibilities...even to places I've never thought of going or people I've never thought of meeting...that's exciting and fun to think of. Then again, reality hits and I wonder if I'm reading too much into things. Best to keep a distance and not plunge in blindly. Right?
But I'm still a little behind in my work, and some leaps and obstacles more from being finished (Read: A LOT MORE WORK TO DO!). The FYP, my law assignment, and my pain-in-the-ass-what-a-drag-no-one-wants-to-do-it IMC assignment. Not to mention 4 more papers to sit for. But small steps to the big finalé. Just a few things on the to-do before I can hit the road for the Next Step.
Consider this a pep talk for myself. And back to the grind! (Tomorrow, that is)
I'm happily reporting that I've done the content analysis, for most part. I sat myself down yesterday evening and since 3pm today, and started what I should've done weeks ago. I think all in all I spent over 10 hours staring at articles and trying to determine their slants and angles and counting paragraphs, and my eyes literally glazed over. Nonetheless...only pie charts and graphs, and honest writing to do now. Will submit the first draft soon, and then spend the next couple weeks writing and amending my final draft. My bum is numb, and my days here are numbered.
I'm counting down, winding up, tightening loose ends.
Yesh, I can smell freedom. It's so near, beckoning to me.
It is at times like this I must remember why I picked content analysis, this particular topic, my purpose of studying, my commitment and my goals. And I must dream a little of the victory that could be mine if I fight hard enough for it. I know I always play down things, because there's this innate fear that I will not live up to the mark, and perhaps I fear disappointing myself beyond anything. Afterall, it seems like I can never get what I want the way I want it. But I gotta start to believe and hope.
Joy comes to my life in quiet, unexpected ways. Sometimes they are such small things, they seem insignificant. But even a smile can make someone's day, so, why not. Being open to realms of possibilities...even to places I've never thought of going or people I've never thought of meeting...that's exciting and fun to think of. Then again, reality hits and I wonder if I'm reading too much into things. Best to keep a distance and not plunge in blindly. Right?
But I'm still a little behind in my work, and some leaps and obstacles more from being finished (Read: A LOT MORE WORK TO DO!). The FYP, my law assignment, and my pain-in-the-ass-what-a-drag-no-one-wants-to-do-it IMC assignment. Not to mention 4 more papers to sit for. But small steps to the big finalé. Just a few things on the to-do before I can hit the road for the Next Step.
Consider this a pep talk for myself. And back to the grind! (Tomorrow, that is)
Monday, March 17, 2008
Procrastinator's Note
Time: 23:54
Again, I'm here purely because I'm procrastinating. I'm due to start on my FYP Chapter 4...more than a week ago, and it's still in its glorious existence only in my head. I need a huge proverbial kick in my ass so that I start doing something very soon.
The journey is about to end. Who'd know? I still remember so clearly that very first day in university. I guess you could say if I could change things, I'd go back to that morning in Chinese class, and whisper to the naive and arrogant girl, to warn her of 3 rocky years ahead full of tears, joy, loss, adventure, lessons, loneliness... and that it will end unexpectedly. That maybe she'd wanna do a 180 and run the hell out of that place. That all the mistakes are not just her own, but that her hands will be dirtied.
I guess there's no shame in confessing I want a do-over. Some other place, some other time. Did university break my spirit? I don't know. I don't. What I know is this. It changed me, polluted the way I see the world. Those changes are big and small. Abstaining from meat, losing weight, finding and losing love, learning how to keep my mouth shut, learning about trust and betrayal, growing up...yeah. Maybe the changes are for the better, that a dose of reality and cynicism was what I needed. I haven't found what I wanted out of it, and I'm still searching. Perhaps life wants me to digress here to learn a lesson. I'm trying to make the best of it. My writing suffered, my passion waned. My next big journey in life will be to reunite with my hopes, ambition and passion once again. That much I promise myself.
And I guess this is where I'll break down and confess to all who've asked me if I'm lonely. I've always told them I'm alone, but rarely lonely, because I'm insulated by the love and support from those who cared. But these past days, the loneliness I've banished is creeping in again, enveloping me with its cold, dark embrace. And I succumbed. I want nothing more than to break down and crumble, but I can't let myself. I need to be strong in my convictions, in my principles and in my own self, because that's all that's left. As much as I'd like to, I feel it's no longer fair to burden others with it. I despair they will be bored and frustrated with me and my constant neediness. I fear I'm getting caught up in myself, my feelings, my emotions and my stubbornness that I neglect others.
I know in the bigger scheme of things whatever it is I'm going through isn't all that big a deal, but again, it is because I'm going through this right now that makes it especially hard to keep my chin up. All the advice and empathy I received comfort me, and I will always be grateful to those who did so for me. But I know I stand alone in this.
I do not know who stalks me (and maybe no one does, and it's all in my head), but as I try not to use another's words as a weapon against them personally, I expect, because of the law of karma, that mine will not be used against me. We all are vulnerable, and I'd like to know I can let myself be once again, without fear. If its true I've been a lousy person and friend, and that I really don't deserve anymore attention, then leave me be. I've made my amends and compromises, and had what I deserved returned to me multi folds and enough is enough. I've reached my breaking point and forgiveness is no longer one-sided now.
I'm sticking to my guns.
I'm also stealing a quote from Amelia (and Chris)'s blog:
"Remember to be gentle with yourself and others. We are all children of chance and none can say why some fields will blossom while others lay brown beneath the August sun. Care for those around you. Look past your differences. Their dreams are no less than yours, their choices no more easily made. And give, give in any way you can, of whatever you possess. To give is to love. To withhold is to wither. Care less for your harvest than for how it is shared and your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace." - Kent Nerburn
As I eat my humble pie, I try to mend my prideful ways and learn to treat others better, and to be less harsh on myself and others. But it will take all my faith and strength, but I'm trying, right?
Again, I'm here purely because I'm procrastinating. I'm due to start on my FYP Chapter 4...more than a week ago, and it's still in its glorious existence only in my head. I need a huge proverbial kick in my ass so that I start doing something very soon.
The journey is about to end. Who'd know? I still remember so clearly that very first day in university. I guess you could say if I could change things, I'd go back to that morning in Chinese class, and whisper to the naive and arrogant girl, to warn her of 3 rocky years ahead full of tears, joy, loss, adventure, lessons, loneliness... and that it will end unexpectedly. That maybe she'd wanna do a 180 and run the hell out of that place. That all the mistakes are not just her own, but that her hands will be dirtied.
I guess there's no shame in confessing I want a do-over. Some other place, some other time. Did university break my spirit? I don't know. I don't. What I know is this. It changed me, polluted the way I see the world. Those changes are big and small. Abstaining from meat, losing weight, finding and losing love, learning how to keep my mouth shut, learning about trust and betrayal, growing up...yeah. Maybe the changes are for the better, that a dose of reality and cynicism was what I needed. I haven't found what I wanted out of it, and I'm still searching. Perhaps life wants me to digress here to learn a lesson. I'm trying to make the best of it. My writing suffered, my passion waned. My next big journey in life will be to reunite with my hopes, ambition and passion once again. That much I promise myself.
And I guess this is where I'll break down and confess to all who've asked me if I'm lonely. I've always told them I'm alone, but rarely lonely, because I'm insulated by the love and support from those who cared. But these past days, the loneliness I've banished is creeping in again, enveloping me with its cold, dark embrace. And I succumbed. I want nothing more than to break down and crumble, but I can't let myself. I need to be strong in my convictions, in my principles and in my own self, because that's all that's left. As much as I'd like to, I feel it's no longer fair to burden others with it. I despair they will be bored and frustrated with me and my constant neediness. I fear I'm getting caught up in myself, my feelings, my emotions and my stubbornness that I neglect others.
I know in the bigger scheme of things whatever it is I'm going through isn't all that big a deal, but again, it is because I'm going through this right now that makes it especially hard to keep my chin up. All the advice and empathy I received comfort me, and I will always be grateful to those who did so for me. But I know I stand alone in this.
I do not know who stalks me (and maybe no one does, and it's all in my head), but as I try not to use another's words as a weapon against them personally, I expect, because of the law of karma, that mine will not be used against me. We all are vulnerable, and I'd like to know I can let myself be once again, without fear. If its true I've been a lousy person and friend, and that I really don't deserve anymore attention, then leave me be. I've made my amends and compromises, and had what I deserved returned to me multi folds and enough is enough. I've reached my breaking point and forgiveness is no longer one-sided now.
I'm sticking to my guns.
I'm also stealing a quote from Amelia (and Chris)'s blog:
"Remember to be gentle with yourself and others. We are all children of chance and none can say why some fields will blossom while others lay brown beneath the August sun. Care for those around you. Look past your differences. Their dreams are no less than yours, their choices no more easily made. And give, give in any way you can, of whatever you possess. To give is to love. To withhold is to wither. Care less for your harvest than for how it is shared and your life will have meaning and your heart will have peace." - Kent Nerburn
As I eat my humble pie, I try to mend my prideful ways and learn to treat others better, and to be less harsh on myself and others. But it will take all my faith and strength, but I'm trying, right?
Monday, March 10, 2008
Winds of changes
Time: 02:39
The 12th elections' over, and the dust is settling. It set a precedence for me in more ways than one: I voted, and I was out of the country when the results were announced. I was scrambling to look for a computer with Internet, cursing and regretting my decision to go to Singapore anyway, despite being alone and having to risk long waits at the customs thanks to a particular Mas Salamat who escaped Singapore prison by going to the bathroom, just like a movie ploy. My mom with good intentions did not allow me to return to KL Sunday evening, but looking at the lack of "excitement", I returned anyway rather than being stranded in Singapore. We, the rakyat, are mature enough to accept changes and that gave me a huge measure of relief.
I was greeted with shock more than anything in finding out four states in Malaysia now belongs to the Opposition, or the Barisan Rakyat. Joining them, of course, is Kelantan, and also FT Kuala Lumpur. I don’t think anyone saw that coming. I certainly didn’t even have faith that we can even deny them the 2/3 majority.
But it happened.
We, the rakyat, went beyond that, and then some.
That proves it all.
It proves how dissatisfied we were with the government, it proves we are now enlightened, we are empowered to not fear changes anymore, and we are equipped with knowledge and the Internet to know better than to trust traditional media bullied into submission by our (Mis)Information Ministry. That we are allowed to exploit cyberspace was a blessing I credit to the BN government. I also have no doubt whatsoever that without the rigging going on with certain leaders of the Barisan Nasional, the BR sweep will be higher. It proved that the youth of the nation, despite being banned from politics as students or indoctrinated with BN ideas and manifesto, are going through an awakening and awareness slowly, but surely. And we’re starting to give a damn about it too.
Analysts feared this elections will be the dirtiest yet, and that fact didn't daunt the BR voters: Generally, people are cynical that change will come at all, but the best part of all, they voted anyway. Even with the riggings and all sorts of stories from the ballot countings, the BR came through.
At moments like this, as I explained Malaysian politics, democracy and voting to some Singaporeans, I felt pride about where I came from. I felt proud to be part of the changes, to play a part in it, and to witness history in the making.
Going to Anwar's Lembah Pantai ceramah allowed me to meet thousands of Malays, and if the NEP really benefited them, and if they are really as comfortable and protected as the government claimed them to be, why are they there? And why, despite the racial cards played by BN, were they so friendly to us? They talked to us, they allowed me to stand in their spots to see better, they yelled for Makkal Sakthi, and they shared their views and smiles. They reminded me we are all Malaysians first, and race a distant second.
Now the BR has their work cut out for them. They made promises, and they'd better deliver, because as much as I have misgivings for some of their front runners, they may be better than their BN counterparts. They have to be. They're our hopes now, considering some goons in the BN are arrogant enough to point fingers instead of looking inside themselves to study what went wrong. Even as voices from all sides of the country tried whispering, then yelling, about their mistakes and abuse. Even at this time, some are still not sorry, and I’m afraid will never be.
At least this time we see bloggers, human rights lawyers, educated fresh blood and younger politicians voted in. The change today is long-coming, long-awaited and long-needed for. This is more than winds of changes, this is typhoon Rakyat.
Quoting about what I learnt in Social Contract, I will not sell my freedom for more promises and lies. We give up certain rights to earn the right to live in an orderly, equal society; and when I deliver my part of the bargain, I expect it to be reciprocated, or else.
So, if the BR deliver, they will then see to it that the wheels are turned and BN turned opposition in the next elections. Otherwise, we're back at square one, and then, and only then, will I know there will be little left for me to want or hope as a Malaysian.
The 12th elections' over, and the dust is settling. It set a precedence for me in more ways than one: I voted, and I was out of the country when the results were announced. I was scrambling to look for a computer with Internet, cursing and regretting my decision to go to Singapore anyway, despite being alone and having to risk long waits at the customs thanks to a particular Mas Salamat who escaped Singapore prison by going to the bathroom, just like a movie ploy. My mom with good intentions did not allow me to return to KL Sunday evening, but looking at the lack of "excitement", I returned anyway rather than being stranded in Singapore. We, the rakyat, are mature enough to accept changes and that gave me a huge measure of relief.
I was greeted with shock more than anything in finding out four states in Malaysia now belongs to the Opposition, or the Barisan Rakyat. Joining them, of course, is Kelantan, and also FT Kuala Lumpur. I don’t think anyone saw that coming. I certainly didn’t even have faith that we can even deny them the 2/3 majority.
But it happened.
We, the rakyat, went beyond that, and then some.
That proves it all.
It proves how dissatisfied we were with the government, it proves we are now enlightened, we are empowered to not fear changes anymore, and we are equipped with knowledge and the Internet to know better than to trust traditional media bullied into submission by our (Mis)Information Ministry. That we are allowed to exploit cyberspace was a blessing I credit to the BN government. I also have no doubt whatsoever that without the rigging going on with certain leaders of the Barisan Nasional, the BR sweep will be higher. It proved that the youth of the nation, despite being banned from politics as students or indoctrinated with BN ideas and manifesto, are going through an awakening and awareness slowly, but surely. And we’re starting to give a damn about it too.
Analysts feared this elections will be the dirtiest yet, and that fact didn't daunt the BR voters: Generally, people are cynical that change will come at all, but the best part of all, they voted anyway. Even with the riggings and all sorts of stories from the ballot countings, the BR came through.
At moments like this, as I explained Malaysian politics, democracy and voting to some Singaporeans, I felt pride about where I came from. I felt proud to be part of the changes, to play a part in it, and to witness history in the making.
Going to Anwar's Lembah Pantai ceramah allowed me to meet thousands of Malays, and if the NEP really benefited them, and if they are really as comfortable and protected as the government claimed them to be, why are they there? And why, despite the racial cards played by BN, were they so friendly to us? They talked to us, they allowed me to stand in their spots to see better, they yelled for Makkal Sakthi, and they shared their views and smiles. They reminded me we are all Malaysians first, and race a distant second.
Now the BR has their work cut out for them. They made promises, and they'd better deliver, because as much as I have misgivings for some of their front runners, they may be better than their BN counterparts. They have to be. They're our hopes now, considering some goons in the BN are arrogant enough to point fingers instead of looking inside themselves to study what went wrong. Even as voices from all sides of the country tried whispering, then yelling, about their mistakes and abuse. Even at this time, some are still not sorry, and I’m afraid will never be.
At least this time we see bloggers, human rights lawyers, educated fresh blood and younger politicians voted in. The change today is long-coming, long-awaited and long-needed for. This is more than winds of changes, this is typhoon Rakyat.
Quoting about what I learnt in Social Contract, I will not sell my freedom for more promises and lies. We give up certain rights to earn the right to live in an orderly, equal society; and when I deliver my part of the bargain, I expect it to be reciprocated, or else.
So, if the BR deliver, they will then see to it that the wheels are turned and BN turned opposition in the next elections. Otherwise, we're back at square one, and then, and only then, will I know there will be little left for me to want or hope as a Malaysian.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Meaning
Time: 03:30
I'm actually beyond exhausted. In fact I feel lightheaded. It seemed like a permanent thing now, and I credit that to the lack of sleep. I feel cold too. It seemed so constant that I go everywhere with a jumper now.
But there are thoughts that filled my mind and they make me anxious, depressed and emo. As of lately, I've reconsidered some of my thought processes and perception. It's wrong to say I'm unhappy; rather, there are causes to that unhappiness and I have no one to blame except myself, and unless I'm exposed to these causes, I'm really actually fine.
But I reiterate. I felt lost and that life is mediocre. Perhaps what someone told me is true: that I am seeking a meaning. To my own existence, to my life, to my relationship with people, a meaning to my very being. I've had the chance to think again, to dig up old Ethics note and ramble on about Rawls and his Natural State. To talk about Kant and Categorical Imperative, and I thrived. I've had that awful realisation at the beginning of this semester that I don't read enough. If I compare my knowledge to a Poli-Sci student from say UK or US, I'd crawl into a hole in shame. I crave knowledge, and the more I learn, the more I realise how much I really do not know.
I can't be intense all the time, to debate or think. It's mentally draining. (I'm vain! I like clothes! And Grey's Anatomy! And Josh Duhamel is soooo hot!) But I liked to throw thoughts back and forth. It makes me feel alive, heard. I know I lack that sort of interaction unless I'm with a certain group of friends. And with Dr Carmen's Critical Thinking Circle, I've found a new venue for that.
Lately, it struck me that perhaps I went to university too early. I was naivé and trusting, arrogant and judgmental. I had my yardstick, and I compared everything to my strict, self-perceived logic. And I was uncompromising. Betrayal upon betrayal hurt me. I feel insecure and vulnerable, and that racked me with self-doubt. I was a wreck. My daily interactions were shaped by fear and suspicion. And now after learning this much about myself, I feel that I've matured a little bit more. And I felt that I've moved just a little further. That I've outgrown the pace I'm in now. I'm ready to move onto the next level. Hopefully as a better person than I was. And I accept that I'll always be different, and I'll always be in the minority. I feel alone but not lonely. In this walk, I'm not solitary, there will be lone walkers, just like me.
Yes. I'm growing up. And out.
I'm actually beyond exhausted. In fact I feel lightheaded. It seemed like a permanent thing now, and I credit that to the lack of sleep. I feel cold too. It seemed so constant that I go everywhere with a jumper now.
But there are thoughts that filled my mind and they make me anxious, depressed and emo. As of lately, I've reconsidered some of my thought processes and perception. It's wrong to say I'm unhappy; rather, there are causes to that unhappiness and I have no one to blame except myself, and unless I'm exposed to these causes, I'm really actually fine.
But I reiterate. I felt lost and that life is mediocre. Perhaps what someone told me is true: that I am seeking a meaning. To my own existence, to my life, to my relationship with people, a meaning to my very being. I've had the chance to think again, to dig up old Ethics note and ramble on about Rawls and his Natural State. To talk about Kant and Categorical Imperative, and I thrived. I've had that awful realisation at the beginning of this semester that I don't read enough. If I compare my knowledge to a Poli-Sci student from say UK or US, I'd crawl into a hole in shame. I crave knowledge, and the more I learn, the more I realise how much I really do not know.
I can't be intense all the time, to debate or think. It's mentally draining. (I'm vain! I like clothes! And Grey's Anatomy! And Josh Duhamel is soooo hot!) But I liked to throw thoughts back and forth. It makes me feel alive, heard. I know I lack that sort of interaction unless I'm with a certain group of friends. And with Dr Carmen's Critical Thinking Circle, I've found a new venue for that.
Lately, it struck me that perhaps I went to university too early. I was naivé and trusting, arrogant and judgmental. I had my yardstick, and I compared everything to my strict, self-perceived logic. And I was uncompromising. Betrayal upon betrayal hurt me. I feel insecure and vulnerable, and that racked me with self-doubt. I was a wreck. My daily interactions were shaped by fear and suspicion. And now after learning this much about myself, I feel that I've matured a little bit more. And I felt that I've moved just a little further. That I've outgrown the pace I'm in now. I'm ready to move onto the next level. Hopefully as a better person than I was. And I accept that I'll always be different, and I'll always be in the minority. I feel alone but not lonely. In this walk, I'm not solitary, there will be lone walkers, just like me.
Yes. I'm growing up. And out.
Just Chaaaaaaange...for Malaysia
Time: 03:09
First off:
The first 20 times I played that, I laughed too. But it's SNARKY. And cheesy. It sticks to your brain like a parasite, replaying "just chaaaaaange...for Malaysiaaaaa" over and over.
Compare that to this:
Personally, I feel like throwing up. It's like an overdose of Petronas ad. That, with the fact that I've watched Fahmi Reza's 10 Tahun Sebelum Merdeka, and the I *heart* Pak Lah fan club photo so prominently displayed on last Sunday's Sunday Star, I've hit a breaking point. A stunned moment of clarity that perhaps I've been lied to more than I've realised. I'm not quite eloquent at 3am in the morning, but do this people really sit and think of 25 million people as their personal experiment? That everything that had happened was part of their design, and we all fall into place neatly like an intricate mosaic or a complex jigsaw puzzle?
But did some pieces go missing? Perhaps they miscalculated, misstepped. I'd like to think of Pak Lah's (un)announcement of the dissolution of the government and his changing of mind mere 24 hours a huge political mistake. It costs him, for sure. People call him a liar. Even I, a mere undiplomatic citizen, would say something along the lines of "Well, you know there are rumours of elections coming, so, anything can be expected. Let's wait and see, shall we?" Seriously, he should just invite his PR guy into Kamunting. I'd have him hanged and quartered, personally. Also, what kind of PM need to clarify that he "worked hard"?
And what kind of PM do not accept there are unhappy people under his governance?
This is a proof that alternative truths prevail:
Call me ungrateful, but I think I'm finally awakening from the 11 years of free education I've received. Time has come for me (after 21 years) to choose who I want as my government. You'll be sure I will think very hard.
POWER TO DEMOCRACY!
First off:
The first 20 times I played that, I laughed too. But it's SNARKY. And cheesy. It sticks to your brain like a parasite, replaying "just chaaaaaange...for Malaysiaaaaa" over and over.
Compare that to this:
Personally, I feel like throwing up. It's like an overdose of Petronas ad. That, with the fact that I've watched Fahmi Reza's 10 Tahun Sebelum Merdeka, and the I *heart* Pak Lah fan club photo so prominently displayed on last Sunday's Sunday Star, I've hit a breaking point. A stunned moment of clarity that perhaps I've been lied to more than I've realised. I'm not quite eloquent at 3am in the morning, but do this people really sit and think of 25 million people as their personal experiment? That everything that had happened was part of their design, and we all fall into place neatly like an intricate mosaic or a complex jigsaw puzzle?
But did some pieces go missing? Perhaps they miscalculated, misstepped. I'd like to think of Pak Lah's (un)announcement of the dissolution of the government and his changing of mind mere 24 hours a huge political mistake. It costs him, for sure. People call him a liar. Even I, a mere undiplomatic citizen, would say something along the lines of "Well, you know there are rumours of elections coming, so, anything can be expected. Let's wait and see, shall we?" Seriously, he should just invite his PR guy into Kamunting. I'd have him hanged and quartered, personally. Also, what kind of PM need to clarify that he "worked hard"?
And what kind of PM do not accept there are unhappy people under his governance?
This is a proof that alternative truths prevail:
Call me ungrateful, but I think I'm finally awakening from the 11 years of free education I've received. Time has come for me (after 21 years) to choose who I want as my government. You'll be sure I will think very hard.
POWER TO DEMOCRACY!
Monday, February 11, 2008
To friendship
Time: 02:06
Before I go onto the actual intention of this entry, I have to vent:
On the first day of Chinese New Year, my mom decided not to cook, so we went over to KIP next to Kepong Carrefour for some Korean food. We were led upstairs where the entire seating was on a raised platform (sorta like a Japanese restaurant) and customers sit on the floor with a hole underneath the tables for leg space. Anyway, I guess the wooden platform was a novelty for a huge family seated behind us because this boy of 8-9 years old was running the entire length of the restaurant to and fro, to and fro. It was not only annoying the rest of the customers, it was HIGHLY hazardous because the servers were carrying pots full of lit charcoal for the Korean BBQ table to table. Said boy nearly collided with a waiter carrying a huge stone pot of boiling spicy soup. For a moment, I had a graphic picture of his face if the soup landed right on his head. Edible face meat.
As if that wasn't enough, his father was smoking in the air conditioned room to the discomfort of everyone else trying to enjoy the actual taste of their food, and then the boy led his sister of about 3 years old to the first floor window and opened it. A waiter rushed to slam the window shut before girl plunged down. The best part? No one reprimanded the boy. The family ate as if nothing happened.
If I was mommy, the boy would be walloped on the spot before being tied down and gagged. But that's why I'm not mommy.
Anyway.
I've had a sudden urge to express my cheesiness and my appreciation towards people who've been my friends for years. I cannot thank them enough for being there for me, for loving me unconditionally, and for every laughter and tears we shared, for the camwhoring, for the fitting room pics, for the joy, experience and life lessons. They shaped me into part of who I am, and without them, my life would be that much less meaningful. So, here's to you guys :D
Before I go onto the actual intention of this entry, I have to vent:
On the first day of Chinese New Year, my mom decided not to cook, so we went over to KIP next to Kepong Carrefour for some Korean food. We were led upstairs where the entire seating was on a raised platform (sorta like a Japanese restaurant) and customers sit on the floor with a hole underneath the tables for leg space. Anyway, I guess the wooden platform was a novelty for a huge family seated behind us because this boy of 8-9 years old was running the entire length of the restaurant to and fro, to and fro. It was not only annoying the rest of the customers, it was HIGHLY hazardous because the servers were carrying pots full of lit charcoal for the Korean BBQ table to table. Said boy nearly collided with a waiter carrying a huge stone pot of boiling spicy soup. For a moment, I had a graphic picture of his face if the soup landed right on his head. Edible face meat.
As if that wasn't enough, his father was smoking in the air conditioned room to the discomfort of everyone else trying to enjoy the actual taste of their food, and then the boy led his sister of about 3 years old to the first floor window and opened it. A waiter rushed to slam the window shut before girl plunged down. The best part? No one reprimanded the boy. The family ate as if nothing happened.
If I was mommy, the boy would be walloped on the spot before being tied down and gagged. But that's why I'm not mommy.
Anyway.
I've had a sudden urge to express my cheesiness and my appreciation towards people who've been my friends for years. I cannot thank them enough for being there for me, for loving me unconditionally, and for every laughter and tears we shared, for the camwhoring, for the fitting room pics, for the joy, experience and life lessons. They shaped me into part of who I am, and without them, my life would be that much less meaningful. So, here's to you guys :D
Friday, February 08, 2008
CNY post
Time: 01:10
A very Happy Chinese New Year.
In order to keep my resolution alive (and avoid writing my thesis for a bit), and not to renege on my word on blogging more often, I've even whipped out my dusty thesaurus and started looking for my first word: back out (renege).
It's true when you haven't been writing for a while, all that's left is a vocabulary fit for daily conversation and acceptably passable assignment write-ups. So I've been reading a little bit more (American Girls About Town with my absolute fav contemporary American female writer Jennifer Weiner) and at the process of finishing another autobiography about social work and the political atmosphere in Iran early last century. Written by Sattareh Farman Farmaian with Dona Munker, Daughter of Persia's a rather interesting read, focusing on how a woman born in the woman's quarters (or harem, as they say in the book) wanted more than a life of arranged marriage and children and became the first Iraqi female to study in UCLA, worked for the UN and returned to Iran to contribute to social work there.
That made me think of where I am today, and an immense sense of gratitude comes to me. The news that there's a huge possibility I'm leaving end of this year had spread like a wildfire and relatives I don't talk with are wishing me well and urging me to go, go, go. Just a generation or two ago, (my mom and grandma) females are limited in their choices about their education and life, but I've got all that I want and then some. I may get cold feet about picking up and starting over now and then, but I can't wait either, to be honest.
Onto happier times, here's some photos from Chinese New Year:
Ten kinds of feelings crept over me as I consider that this may be my last Chinese New Year with the family for the next few years at least...but onwards, right? Afterall, nothing's confirmed anyway.
Much love to all of you, and have a good year.
A very Happy Chinese New Year.
In order to keep my resolution alive (and avoid writing my thesis for a bit), and not to renege on my word on blogging more often, I've even whipped out my dusty thesaurus and started looking for my first word: back out (renege).
It's true when you haven't been writing for a while, all that's left is a vocabulary fit for daily conversation and acceptably passable assignment write-ups. So I've been reading a little bit more (American Girls About Town with my absolute fav contemporary American female writer Jennifer Weiner) and at the process of finishing another autobiography about social work and the political atmosphere in Iran early last century. Written by Sattareh Farman Farmaian with Dona Munker, Daughter of Persia's a rather interesting read, focusing on how a woman born in the woman's quarters (or harem, as they say in the book) wanted more than a life of arranged marriage and children and became the first Iraqi female to study in UCLA, worked for the UN and returned to Iran to contribute to social work there.
That made me think of where I am today, and an immense sense of gratitude comes to me. The news that there's a huge possibility I'm leaving end of this year had spread like a wildfire and relatives I don't talk with are wishing me well and urging me to go, go, go. Just a generation or two ago, (my mom and grandma) females are limited in their choices about their education and life, but I've got all that I want and then some. I may get cold feet about picking up and starting over now and then, but I can't wait either, to be honest.
Onto happier times, here's some photos from Chinese New Year:
Grandma making magic with her wok and wand
Um..some kind of shellfish with asparagus
Piping hot and wanting to be eaten
The pre-requisite chicken with onion and soy sauce in oil dip
"Fatt choy hou see" think that's what it's called... "Fortune and Good Things"
This is my favourite thing...fried dumplings, and I can put away quite a few of those.
Captured the feast a split second before I sat down and completely forget to snap pics. It sucks to know I take such crappy photos (angles, lightings, taste and eye for it) but that's all I have.
Passionfruit from granduncle's garden..that's a fruit for thought indeed. Never knew they can grow in our climate.
The after-dinner gossip session. Grandma's telling everyone to look at my aunt's recent wedding photos (again). I think she's really, really proud.
My mom and the rest of the families have a tradition of exchanging gifts (mostly cookies, nuts, candies and dried mushrooms) and these are the lined up goodies.
Top view
Aunt Elaine, Grandpa, Aunt Joanne and Khai Syuen
Grandma
Almost adorably irresistably cute. Almost.
Whadyacallthis? It's called "Fire flower" both in Chinese and Malay, but beats me what it's called in English.
And then there's (half of) me! Yeah, in QIPAO! That's a first!
Ten kinds of feelings crept over me as I consider that this may be my last Chinese New Year with the family for the next few years at least...but onwards, right? Afterall, nothing's confirmed anyway.
Much love to all of you, and have a good year.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
The silence reigns
Time: 14:09
It's so weird. I know it's been like that for a while now. I've been like that. I've just completely stopped talking about my life, or write much about it. I haven't written anything proper or random since forever. My last pictures were from Bangkok, and that was last May. How can this be?
I'm inclined to blame Facebook. Afterall, why bother with Photobucket when Facebook uploads much faster, and friendlier?
But I guess that's not really an excuse for not writing. My thesis is still hanging. I've slacked. Let myself fall into the gutter of complacency and mediocrity. I fear so much of stumbling and falling at the finishing line, but I've lost the will to pick things up where I drop them.
What on earth has (have?) happened to me?
I guess it's really cos I don't think there's a lot of interesting things to put here. Sure, little incidents are worth etching into my memory as being memorably memorable, but they're all regular things, you know? Things that I'm not sure people who reads my blog will be interested in. I don't remember days and dates, names, places and incidents anymore.
I realise that lately I've started to internalise my feelings, which is something new. Everyone who knows Puiyee, knows she's got a big mouth and an inability to keep things to herself. I guess this is a worthy lesson: to shut up and speak no evil. I see the horror of watching my words and intentions twisted and changed, and there's nothing I can do to rectify it. I'm not innocent; I've spoken. How they're interpreted, is beyond my control. As a writer, I should've realised that. That is my mistake, and mine alone.
Time to grow up some more.
In some ways, I feel genuinely happy about my life; afterall, there is nothing wrong in the surface. At all. My studies are going and I'm finishing soon (to my relief), I've got my best friends and comforts of home, good food, clothes and family. But I'm surprised people kept telling me, I seem to be really dissatisfied. That I want more, but more of what? Its like I haven't really lived, and I can see why: I'm still holed up in my city, inside the embrace of family and childhood friends and my routine, in short, nothing outside my comfort zone. I feel like I'm struggling to get out there, but I haven't found the key yet.
Of course, in other ways, I am dead unhappy. Downright depressed. Like sitting alone in the middle of the night talking to random strangers listening to music and thinking random thoughts kind of unhappy. I've got no direction in life whatsoever. I'm not sure I want to be a journalist, and that felt like a kind of betrayal to my convictions. I'm not sure I have what it takes to be a good journalist. Or anything else for that matter. I wish I can see a direction. I'm going to be 22 and I feel like a lost kid sometimes. I took a lot of interest in politics lately, and that is revelation in itself. Maybe I'll be writing on more of that soon.
On another matter altogether, I damn taubat already about the need for a guy. At this moment, I know I'm not really looking for anyone, or for love. Sure, I wouldn't say no to whatever comes my way, be it random dates or a flirt or chatting online or at a table wherever, but trust is an issue now. And yes, I won't settle for anything less than what felt "right", because I've had experienced that headiness, the excitement, the wonder of liking someone creep over me. That want to look into his eyes and stare at their wonderful depth forever, the desire to know his thoughts and learn about him slowly, relishing on every new fact. And if I have a certain preference for a certain kind of guys, so be it, I think. I'll find him, wherever he is.
Oh, and last night I did a thing that's a wee bit spontaneous. I spoke to an American guy who happened to be in town, invited him for coffee, took Amelia with me, and ended up taking him and his friend on a terror ride on my brother's Myvi to Ming Tien in PJ for some local food and then to a nearby mamak to impress them with some teh tarik skills. I've had an amazingly fun time, and I hope they did, too. It reminded me of why I like to meet random travelers when I backpacked, and yeah, I should do more things like that. It was also amusing to look at the rear view mirror to see two very tall guys folded into my car. And it makes me really, really happy and proud to see them enjoying my city, my food, my culture. It was great. Yeah. How do YOU pronounce Malaysia?
Malay-zhuh or Malay-sya? Personally, I use them interchangeably.
Well, til my next post at I-really-don't-know-when, Malaysia Boleh!
It's so weird. I know it's been like that for a while now. I've been like that. I've just completely stopped talking about my life, or write much about it. I haven't written anything proper or random since forever. My last pictures were from Bangkok, and that was last May. How can this be?
I'm inclined to blame Facebook. Afterall, why bother with Photobucket when Facebook uploads much faster, and friendlier?
But I guess that's not really an excuse for not writing. My thesis is still hanging. I've slacked. Let myself fall into the gutter of complacency and mediocrity. I fear so much of stumbling and falling at the finishing line, but I've lost the will to pick things up where I drop them.
What on earth has (have?) happened to me?
I guess it's really cos I don't think there's a lot of interesting things to put here. Sure, little incidents are worth etching into my memory as being memorably memorable, but they're all regular things, you know? Things that I'm not sure people who reads my blog will be interested in. I don't remember days and dates, names, places and incidents anymore.
I realise that lately I've started to internalise my feelings, which is something new. Everyone who knows Puiyee, knows she's got a big mouth and an inability to keep things to herself. I guess this is a worthy lesson: to shut up and speak no evil. I see the horror of watching my words and intentions twisted and changed, and there's nothing I can do to rectify it. I'm not innocent; I've spoken. How they're interpreted, is beyond my control. As a writer, I should've realised that. That is my mistake, and mine alone.
Time to grow up some more.
In some ways, I feel genuinely happy about my life; afterall, there is nothing wrong in the surface. At all. My studies are going and I'm finishing soon (to my relief), I've got my best friends and comforts of home, good food, clothes and family. But I'm surprised people kept telling me, I seem to be really dissatisfied. That I want more, but more of what? Its like I haven't really lived, and I can see why: I'm still holed up in my city, inside the embrace of family and childhood friends and my routine, in short, nothing outside my comfort zone. I feel like I'm struggling to get out there, but I haven't found the key yet.
Of course, in other ways, I am dead unhappy. Downright depressed. Like sitting alone in the middle of the night talking to random strangers listening to music and thinking random thoughts kind of unhappy. I've got no direction in life whatsoever. I'm not sure I want to be a journalist, and that felt like a kind of betrayal to my convictions. I'm not sure I have what it takes to be a good journalist. Or anything else for that matter. I wish I can see a direction. I'm going to be 22 and I feel like a lost kid sometimes. I took a lot of interest in politics lately, and that is revelation in itself. Maybe I'll be writing on more of that soon.
On another matter altogether, I damn taubat already about the need for a guy. At this moment, I know I'm not really looking for anyone, or for love. Sure, I wouldn't say no to whatever comes my way, be it random dates or a flirt or chatting online or at a table wherever, but trust is an issue now. And yes, I won't settle for anything less than what felt "right", because I've had experienced that headiness, the excitement, the wonder of liking someone creep over me. That want to look into his eyes and stare at their wonderful depth forever, the desire to know his thoughts and learn about him slowly, relishing on every new fact. And if I have a certain preference for a certain kind of guys, so be it, I think. I'll find him, wherever he is.
Oh, and last night I did a thing that's a wee bit spontaneous. I spoke to an American guy who happened to be in town, invited him for coffee, took Amelia with me, and ended up taking him and his friend on a terror ride on my brother's Myvi to Ming Tien in PJ for some local food and then to a nearby mamak to impress them with some teh tarik skills. I've had an amazingly fun time, and I hope they did, too. It reminded me of why I like to meet random travelers when I backpacked, and yeah, I should do more things like that. It was also amusing to look at the rear view mirror to see two very tall guys folded into my car. And it makes me really, really happy and proud to see them enjoying my city, my food, my culture. It was great. Yeah. How do YOU pronounce Malaysia?
Malay-zhuh or Malay-sya? Personally, I use them interchangeably.
Well, til my next post at I-really-don't-know-when, Malaysia Boleh!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Clichés
Time: 21:25
As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.
You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin!
*******************************************************************************
I guess it's all true.
And that I have to be able to love, like I've never been hurt before, and stop blaming a new love for things the old one did. Now...how do I do that is the question.
As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.
You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin!
*******************************************************************************
I guess it's all true.
And that I have to be able to love, like I've never been hurt before, and stop blaming a new love for things the old one did. Now...how do I do that is the question.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Another lesson forward
Time: 23:49
2007 has been eventful.
If I am to start listing it out...
It will be a long, long blog, plus well, I'm lazy and am stingy with my thoughts now.
To cut a long story short, it's the year I lost close to 20kg; the year I had a fallout with my collegemates, and didn't bother to pick it up; the year I found love, and yes, lost it too.
Eight months... it's not such a long time, but I guess it's not fair to measure time against feelings. It was sweet. I felt loved, right til the end, the ultimate betrayal. I blamed myself; why was I such a fool, why did I let the wall I've built crumble down, why did I go too deep when I've told myself not to, that it may well end before it begun. I did.
I told myself I was such a fool, over and over, til someone said, "No, you're being human." I micro-analysed, I went through every possible detail for signs. He was so good, he let on nothing. Either that I was so blinded. But I wouldn't change a thing. Because I still believed he is a good person, who made a very selfish decision.
I learnt a lot. About the person I am, and can be. I am a taker, a selfish, mean, inconsiderate person. Yet, I never knew I had such a capacity to give, and to love. I eschewed status, physical contact, security and held back from making demands, because I know he would've provided them if he had the ability to. He gave me a sense of being wanted and loved, a bolster against all the guys out there who didn't want me as a fat chick. It didn't matter what other people think; I have someone who loved me.
And then I lost that. I was hurt, and confused. I sobbed. Was I not good enough, could there be things I didn't do that I could have, is there something wrong with me. To my chagrin, I sold my pride and gave up my ego. I chased after an answer, hell bent on an explanation, a reason for me to cry to. A security blanket have been lifted up from me prematurely; I didn't know how to face myself, how to face the cold world and to go back to society as the new me. I know now why people in love resort to desperate measure to go after what they wanted. Love is dangerous, but the only way to experience it is to give freely.
I talked to everyone, sometimes saying things out of anger and sadness. And then the question came, "Was it worth all the pain in the end?"
One guy built me up, tore me down. Single-handedly. It still feel so raw, the wounds so fresh, but I smiled. Yeah. Yes, I wouldn't have changed that. The only regret I have is all those empty promises. The promise never to hurt me intentionally. The promise to be honest. The promise to be there. The promise of him. Once in a while, I hope he feel rotten and lousy for what he did. But maybe one day I may be able to tell him it's been one hell of a ride.
Oh well, it doesn't matter anymore. Whether I want to or not, I will learn to walk forward again.
We had a reunion dinner of sorts, and I told someone the conversation will revolve around weight and looks. That the skinny girls will start beating themselves up saying "I'm fat, I need to lose weight". And I was right, as usual. This time, I felt contempt. Their eyeballing me don't make me feel good; it was shallow, hollow and meaningless. I've truly learnt the lesson that the body doesn't make the person. I am who I am. I know now there are men out there who will accept me as I am, and possibly make me happy.
There's a funny quote I saw: If you can't handle me at worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
To be honest, I'm alternating between feeling okay, and feeling sad and alone. But never lonely, because I know I am loved. I have friends, and I can't begin to express my gratitude to them for coming through for me, even across the world. It will take time, but the wounds will heal. Maybe I'm still stinging, but it will take a while for me before I start trusting men again. Who knows, maybe one day it'll be my turn to get lucky once more.
Ling tak hei, fong tak tai.
(Picking it up, and putting it down)
2007 has been eventful.
If I am to start listing it out...
It will be a long, long blog, plus well, I'm lazy and am stingy with my thoughts now.
To cut a long story short, it's the year I lost close to 20kg; the year I had a fallout with my collegemates, and didn't bother to pick it up; the year I found love, and yes, lost it too.
Eight months... it's not such a long time, but I guess it's not fair to measure time against feelings. It was sweet. I felt loved, right til the end, the ultimate betrayal. I blamed myself; why was I such a fool, why did I let the wall I've built crumble down, why did I go too deep when I've told myself not to, that it may well end before it begun. I did.
I told myself I was such a fool, over and over, til someone said, "No, you're being human." I micro-analysed, I went through every possible detail for signs. He was so good, he let on nothing. Either that I was so blinded. But I wouldn't change a thing. Because I still believed he is a good person, who made a very selfish decision.
I learnt a lot. About the person I am, and can be. I am a taker, a selfish, mean, inconsiderate person. Yet, I never knew I had such a capacity to give, and to love. I eschewed status, physical contact, security and held back from making demands, because I know he would've provided them if he had the ability to. He gave me a sense of being wanted and loved, a bolster against all the guys out there who didn't want me as a fat chick. It didn't matter what other people think; I have someone who loved me.
And then I lost that. I was hurt, and confused. I sobbed. Was I not good enough, could there be things I didn't do that I could have, is there something wrong with me. To my chagrin, I sold my pride and gave up my ego. I chased after an answer, hell bent on an explanation, a reason for me to cry to. A security blanket have been lifted up from me prematurely; I didn't know how to face myself, how to face the cold world and to go back to society as the new me. I know now why people in love resort to desperate measure to go after what they wanted. Love is dangerous, but the only way to experience it is to give freely.
I talked to everyone, sometimes saying things out of anger and sadness. And then the question came, "Was it worth all the pain in the end?"
One guy built me up, tore me down. Single-handedly. It still feel so raw, the wounds so fresh, but I smiled. Yeah. Yes, I wouldn't have changed that. The only regret I have is all those empty promises. The promise never to hurt me intentionally. The promise to be honest. The promise to be there. The promise of him. Once in a while, I hope he feel rotten and lousy for what he did. But maybe one day I may be able to tell him it's been one hell of a ride.
Oh well, it doesn't matter anymore. Whether I want to or not, I will learn to walk forward again.
We had a reunion dinner of sorts, and I told someone the conversation will revolve around weight and looks. That the skinny girls will start beating themselves up saying "I'm fat, I need to lose weight". And I was right, as usual. This time, I felt contempt. Their eyeballing me don't make me feel good; it was shallow, hollow and meaningless. I've truly learnt the lesson that the body doesn't make the person. I am who I am. I know now there are men out there who will accept me as I am, and possibly make me happy.
There's a funny quote I saw: If you can't handle me at worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
To be honest, I'm alternating between feeling okay, and feeling sad and alone. But never lonely, because I know I am loved. I have friends, and I can't begin to express my gratitude to them for coming through for me, even across the world. It will take time, but the wounds will heal. Maybe I'm still stinging, but it will take a while for me before I start trusting men again. Who knows, maybe one day it'll be my turn to get lucky once more.
Ling tak hei, fong tak tai.
(Picking it up, and putting it down)
Monday, December 10, 2007
Malaysia, my country.
Time: 01:11
I've all but abandoned my blog, but I can't keep quiet any longer.
I feel helpless, angry, sad, and near tears for my country.
I've been following the political news from Malaysiakini VERY closely since UMNO's AGM, the BERSIH rally on 11 Nov, and attended a Youth for Change event at the Bar Council.
I didn't learn anything I didn't know already, but it opened my eyes. I've never claimed to be "neutral" about politics, but I know a lot of people would. Latheefa Koya said, stop saying neutral, no one's neutral in politics.
Even if I decide to leave the country and live in an island, I've taken my political stand.
Instead, be "objective". Don't be apologetic for not agreeing with the government.
Azmi Sharom spoke of how the current regime changes the Constitution at their will; that he rather see a political party make clear that if they're voted in they will change the entire Constitution, than a party who claims to uphold the current constitution and yet changes it to suit their agenda.
The Hindraf rally further opened my eyes and ears. Though not all their actions are to be condoned, it reflects on the desperation, the plight and the issues faced by the Indian community.
And the rally provoked governmental actions I would not believe possible until they acted.
I knew about the Human Rights day march. And I agreed with this blogger.
How, exactly, did Malaysia celebrate it's Human Rights Day?
By arresting people marching for human rights.
Malaysians are retaliating against the injustice inflicted upon them by the very government they voted in, and trusted in. Yet, we suffer.
So what is the characteristics of a true PM? Stand aside and watch? Feeding lies whilst being fed with more lies? Living in your own world of denials? Don't even start on being judicious...when the constitution can be changed anytime.
AUKU, PPPA, ISA, OSA, Sedition Act. All gagging tools. State-owned media.
What's that quote again? Only when free press exist would there be true democracy?
I am sad. I am angry. I feel so helpless. Malaysians finally spoke out, only to be gagged, disempowered and denied their rights.
But I am hopeful still.
There can be a better Malaysia. There MUST be.
Malaysia can be saved, but it will start from you and me.
Do the right thing next elections; take a stand. Be objective, not "neutral".
If we don't do it...who will?
I've all but abandoned my blog, but I can't keep quiet any longer.
I feel helpless, angry, sad, and near tears for my country.
I've been following the political news from Malaysiakini VERY closely since UMNO's AGM, the BERSIH rally on 11 Nov, and attended a Youth for Change event at the Bar Council.
I didn't learn anything I didn't know already, but it opened my eyes. I've never claimed to be "neutral" about politics, but I know a lot of people would. Latheefa Koya said, stop saying neutral, no one's neutral in politics.
Even if I decide to leave the country and live in an island, I've taken my political stand.
Instead, be "objective". Don't be apologetic for not agreeing with the government.
Azmi Sharom spoke of how the current regime changes the Constitution at their will; that he rather see a political party make clear that if they're voted in they will change the entire Constitution, than a party who claims to uphold the current constitution and yet changes it to suit their agenda.
The Hindraf rally further opened my eyes and ears. Though not all their actions are to be condoned, it reflects on the desperation, the plight and the issues faced by the Indian community.
And the rally provoked governmental actions I would not believe possible until they acted.
I knew about the Human Rights day march. And I agreed with this blogger.
How, exactly, did Malaysia celebrate it's Human Rights Day?
By arresting people marching for human rights.
"For me, this characterises a true Malaysian. A true Malaysian understands very well the impact of careless words and actions. A true Malaysian is acutely aware of who will be provoked into retaliation and who will actually suffer the consequences.
"Because of this, a true Malaysian will try to be judicious in word and deed, even when striving for change," he said.
~Abdullah Badawi (as taken from Malaysiakini)
Malaysians are retaliating against the injustice inflicted upon them by the very government they voted in, and trusted in. Yet, we suffer.
So what is the characteristics of a true PM? Stand aside and watch? Feeding lies whilst being fed with more lies? Living in your own world of denials? Don't even start on being judicious...when the constitution can be changed anytime.
AUKU, PPPA, ISA, OSA, Sedition Act. All gagging tools. State-owned media.
What's that quote again? Only when free press exist would there be true democracy?
I am sad. I am angry. I feel so helpless. Malaysians finally spoke out, only to be gagged, disempowered and denied their rights.
But I am hopeful still.
There can be a better Malaysia. There MUST be.
Malaysia can be saved, but it will start from you and me.
Do the right thing next elections; take a stand. Be objective, not "neutral".
If we don't do it...who will?
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
So I'm a fool...
Time: 23:32
The gums around my wisdom tooth hurts. It's been hurting since last Saturday. Extends right down my jaw to my throat. Chewing hurts. Swallowing hurts. Talking hurts. Wisdom is a pain in my ass. The tooth will have to go next week. I knew that for two years now; it's just never been this bad. Just delaying the eventual.
Its now the semester break, and I know I've bungled up a couple of papers. It should've been easy; it wasn't. I had distraction. Sitting in Starbucks studying and memorising and fidgeting, all I could think of were the sea, walks, movies, linking hands, warm embraces.
I am going to pay. Right now I don't care, but I'm setting myself up for something I can't even grasp or see. I can foretell, but I can't halt myself. Did the better, rational part of my mind flee, or am I thinking as clearly as I hope I am?
Commitment. That word encompasses everything. The honesty, hope, loyalty, giving, taking, waiting, anticipating. Of baring myself, being vulnerable, fear, risks, disappointments, hopes. Of insecurities and too many what-ifs.
I've made that decision, no turning back. Can't shut the feelings out. Not the ups nor the downs. I've already bought the long-haul ticket and boarded the ride. Now what?
Some say it takes two to tango. So far I felt safe and contented with being led, but right now, I feel forlorn dancing to the solitary tune. I'm being clingy and ridiculous, being the exact antithesis of who I portrayed, no, who I thought I am. It hasn't even been that long, and yet I knew now how it felt like to miss so much, it hurts. I fear the real thing, then.
All will be fine in the end. Trust. All I have.
The gums around my wisdom tooth hurts. It's been hurting since last Saturday. Extends right down my jaw to my throat. Chewing hurts. Swallowing hurts. Talking hurts. Wisdom is a pain in my ass. The tooth will have to go next week. I knew that for two years now; it's just never been this bad. Just delaying the eventual.
Its now the semester break, and I know I've bungled up a couple of papers. It should've been easy; it wasn't. I had distraction. Sitting in Starbucks studying and memorising and fidgeting, all I could think of were the sea, walks, movies, linking hands, warm embraces.
I am going to pay. Right now I don't care, but I'm setting myself up for something I can't even grasp or see. I can foretell, but I can't halt myself. Did the better, rational part of my mind flee, or am I thinking as clearly as I hope I am?
Commitment. That word encompasses everything. The honesty, hope, loyalty, giving, taking, waiting, anticipating. Of baring myself, being vulnerable, fear, risks, disappointments, hopes. Of insecurities and too many what-ifs.
I've made that decision, no turning back. Can't shut the feelings out. Not the ups nor the downs. I've already bought the long-haul ticket and boarded the ride. Now what?
Some say it takes two to tango. So far I felt safe and contented with being led, but right now, I feel forlorn dancing to the solitary tune. I'm being clingy and ridiculous, being the exact antithesis of who I portrayed, no, who I thought I am. It hasn't even been that long, and yet I knew now how it felt like to miss so much, it hurts. I fear the real thing, then.
All will be fine in the end. Trust. All I have.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Guilt
Time: 02:32
I wasn't going to blog...I know, I know, but I've gotten lazy.
In light of the missing girl and the sexually assaulted and murdered girl case, (If you don't know about it click here, here and here) there are many PSAs on the radio lately warning and reminding parents to look after their kids and never ever leave them alone and let them wander off in public areas.
It's a knee-jerk response, I know, but...it reminds me of something that happened years ago.
It was 1995 before the family went to Australia for autumn and we were shopping for winter clothing in Sogo. I remember my brother (I was 9, he was 6) and I were at the toys department and I was admiring Barbie dolls on my own for quite a while when my mom found me and asked for my brother. He was missing.
My dad...he told me it's my fault, there and then. That my brother has been abducted and that his limbs will be cut off and he'll be made to beg in Thailand. And it was all my fault. I burst out crying. My mom was angry at my dad for saying that to me, I remember, but she was more concerned about looking for him and went to the ground floor info counter. Some girl found my brother outside Sogo's main entrance and sent him to the info counter. All was well.
But...when missing kids like Nurin and Yin appear on the newspapers, that incident comes back to haunt me. I remember how vulnerable and small and innocent my brother was. Technically, I was innocent. What was a 9-year-old supposed to do? My brother was looking at Lego and I was looking at Barbie dolls. He wandered downstairs when he couldn't see my parents. If my dad never uttered those things to me, maybe I won't feel as bad.
But I do. And I'll always carry that guilt. It's not right, but I'll always remember the "all your fault" part. Missing kids always make me sad. And guilty.
I wasn't going to blog...I know, I know, but I've gotten lazy.
In light of the missing girl and the sexually assaulted and murdered girl case, (If you don't know about it click here, here and here) there are many PSAs on the radio lately warning and reminding parents to look after their kids and never ever leave them alone and let them wander off in public areas.
It's a knee-jerk response, I know, but...it reminds me of something that happened years ago.
It was 1995 before the family went to Australia for autumn and we were shopping for winter clothing in Sogo. I remember my brother (I was 9, he was 6) and I were at the toys department and I was admiring Barbie dolls on my own for quite a while when my mom found me and asked for my brother. He was missing.
My dad...he told me it's my fault, there and then. That my brother has been abducted and that his limbs will be cut off and he'll be made to beg in Thailand. And it was all my fault. I burst out crying. My mom was angry at my dad for saying that to me, I remember, but she was more concerned about looking for him and went to the ground floor info counter. Some girl found my brother outside Sogo's main entrance and sent him to the info counter. All was well.
But...when missing kids like Nurin and Yin appear on the newspapers, that incident comes back to haunt me. I remember how vulnerable and small and innocent my brother was. Technically, I was innocent. What was a 9-year-old supposed to do? My brother was looking at Lego and I was looking at Barbie dolls. He wandered downstairs when he couldn't see my parents. If my dad never uttered those things to me, maybe I won't feel as bad.
But I do. And I'll always carry that guilt. It's not right, but I'll always remember the "all your fault" part. Missing kids always make me sad. And guilty.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
willpower
Time: 12:08
I'm home from the very last class of this semester. Has it been 14 weeks already? There wasn't much time to breath; this semester was really THAT hectic and terrifying. There were so many moments when I felt like everything's sliding down a 90 degree chute and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
And then I managed to by the scruff of the neck and then hold on.
Weight loss update: At the beginning of this semester, I vowed to lose 10kg by the end of it. 14 weeks on, I'm down just that :D. In fact I've already pushed my goal to another few kgs down, but I am taking this moment to savour the pain and satisfaction of it. I feel good. Of course I do. Then again, I've gone lazy and went to the gym a lot less and I guess it'll never be enough. That I felt it's starting to pay off, but nowhere near the perfection I wanted. And to everyone who ooh and aah-ed and asked what did I do...it was a lot of exercise, diet and willpower, y'all. There are just no secrets. I was driven to do this out of sheer desperation, mainly to fit in. I've got other intentions of course, but not all of them are good either. And I'm going to tell you one thing: If Pui Yee can do it? SO CAN YOU.
Because I'm not the most motivated, dilligent, disciplined person. And I've came pretty far, haven't I? I hope so.
The world felt at this moment like it's on my grasp, that I'm on the verge of great, exciting things, and I'm standing on a cliff, hesitating to take the plunge. And I'm paralysed by fears and uncertainties.
I should concentrate on exams. Right now all I'm worried about is my GPA. I need to maintain it so bad, so bad. *Hyperventilates*
I'm home from the very last class of this semester. Has it been 14 weeks already? There wasn't much time to breath; this semester was really THAT hectic and terrifying. There were so many moments when I felt like everything's sliding down a 90 degree chute and there's nothing I can do to stop it.
And then I managed to by the scruff of the neck and then hold on.
Weight loss update: At the beginning of this semester, I vowed to lose 10kg by the end of it. 14 weeks on, I'm down just that :D. In fact I've already pushed my goal to another few kgs down, but I am taking this moment to savour the pain and satisfaction of it. I feel good. Of course I do. Then again, I've gone lazy and went to the gym a lot less and I guess it'll never be enough. That I felt it's starting to pay off, but nowhere near the perfection I wanted. And to everyone who ooh and aah-ed and asked what did I do...it was a lot of exercise, diet and willpower, y'all. There are just no secrets. I was driven to do this out of sheer desperation, mainly to fit in. I've got other intentions of course, but not all of them are good either. And I'm going to tell you one thing: If Pui Yee can do it? SO CAN YOU.
Because I'm not the most motivated, dilligent, disciplined person. And I've came pretty far, haven't I? I hope so.
The world felt at this moment like it's on my grasp, that I'm on the verge of great, exciting things, and I'm standing on a cliff, hesitating to take the plunge. And I'm paralysed by fears and uncertainties.
I should concentrate on exams. Right now all I'm worried about is my GPA. I need to maintain it so bad, so bad. *Hyperventilates*
Thursday, August 23, 2007
stresssss!
Time: 19:52
Arghhhhhhhhhhh
*Screams and waves like a monkey gone bananas*
Ever been paralysed by stress, fear and anxiety?
Here I am!!!!!!!!!!
Arghhhhhhhhhh
Sorry, didn't mean to go loony. Just that, well, week 13 of 14 of Year 3 Semester 1 is more than half over, I've got two more presentations before I can sigh for relief for a couple days, and these presentations are going to freak the shit out of me. Creative Strategy for Advertising under Lim Soo Jin's been a total stresshole. I know that man's intention is good, and that he does the whole tough love thing where he's being brutal and held high expectations so that we go beyond our usual and perform the best we could, but. The whole anxiety of waiting, waiting, waiting for him to slaughter us verbally is a pretty miserable time.
Exams loom, and I fear so much about not being able to maintain my GPA. Sure it's pretty great right now, but not good enough. Not good enough at all. And after this semester it WILL go down. After that, what? I know deep down I WANT to graduate with first class honours...who doesn't? But if it slips out of my grasp...bye scholarships, bye financial aid...bye dreams?
LSE's prospectus arrived and I saw a 2-year Masters programme ...Global Media and Communication and you know, I want it. I want it so bad. London. I will be eating air and drinking tap water for a year but. Yeah, yea. I know. I gotta believe. That I'm good enough, that I can. That it's okay to suck the life-savings out of my dad. I'm trying.
On top of that, the whole weight losing thing...Amelia's right. It will never be enough. I'm so near my first goal now, and I'm so tired, and I've gotta be on my guard all the time, and yet I'm pushing the bar lower. It was a few pounds more and now it's 10lbs more. Then I'll maintain. I know, sure, I look so much better now, but it's never going to be enough. I look in the mirror, and I compare with my peers, and I feel thick and big. That I still need to buy local Ls. That in people's eyes I will still look fat. And that I squeeze my middle and I can feel the love handles.
The motivation burns as bright as ever, but I slip and feel guilty and so tired...it's ridiculous because I feel guilty whenever I eat. I used to read about girls feeling guilty for eating a fried egg, but now I really truly know what food guilt is. I used to be able to eat mindlessly, now I still love my food as ever, but post-meal, gawd, the guilt. It's a bitch being a girl who cares about what people think of her. It's a bitch being a female, period.
I'm going to have an anxiety attack, I think.
Wise men say, only fools rush...
One step at a time.
Oh I've forgotten to add on my last post, watch Thank You for Smoking. Uses logic and rationale to influence people to smoke. Moral flexibility. Proving someone wrong meant you're right. Arguments, not negotiations make people win. BRILLIANT for critical thinking.
Arghhhhhhhhhhh
*Screams and waves like a monkey gone bananas*
Ever been paralysed by stress, fear and anxiety?
Here I am!!!!!!!!!!
Arghhhhhhhhhh
Sorry, didn't mean to go loony. Just that, well, week 13 of 14 of Year 3 Semester 1 is more than half over, I've got two more presentations before I can sigh for relief for a couple days, and these presentations are going to freak the shit out of me. Creative Strategy for Advertising under Lim Soo Jin's been a total stresshole. I know that man's intention is good, and that he does the whole tough love thing where he's being brutal and held high expectations so that we go beyond our usual and perform the best we could, but. The whole anxiety of waiting, waiting, waiting for him to slaughter us verbally is a pretty miserable time.
Exams loom, and I fear so much about not being able to maintain my GPA. Sure it's pretty great right now, but not good enough. Not good enough at all. And after this semester it WILL go down. After that, what? I know deep down I WANT to graduate with first class honours...who doesn't? But if it slips out of my grasp...bye scholarships, bye financial aid...bye dreams?
LSE's prospectus arrived and I saw a 2-year Masters programme ...Global Media and Communication and you know, I want it. I want it so bad. London. I will be eating air and drinking tap water for a year but. Yeah, yea. I know. I gotta believe. That I'm good enough, that I can. That it's okay to suck the life-savings out of my dad. I'm trying.
On top of that, the whole weight losing thing...Amelia's right. It will never be enough. I'm so near my first goal now, and I'm so tired, and I've gotta be on my guard all the time, and yet I'm pushing the bar lower. It was a few pounds more and now it's 10lbs more. Then I'll maintain. I know, sure, I look so much better now, but it's never going to be enough. I look in the mirror, and I compare with my peers, and I feel thick and big. That I still need to buy local Ls. That in people's eyes I will still look fat. And that I squeeze my middle and I can feel the love handles.
The motivation burns as bright as ever, but I slip and feel guilty and so tired...it's ridiculous because I feel guilty whenever I eat. I used to read about girls feeling guilty for eating a fried egg, but now I really truly know what food guilt is. I used to be able to eat mindlessly, now I still love my food as ever, but post-meal, gawd, the guilt. It's a bitch being a girl who cares about what people think of her. It's a bitch being a female, period.
I'm going to have an anxiety attack, I think.
Wise men say, only fools rush...
One step at a time.
Oh I've forgotten to add on my last post, watch Thank You for Smoking. Uses logic and rationale to influence people to smoke. Moral flexibility. Proving someone wrong meant you're right. Arguments, not negotiations make people win. BRILLIANT for critical thinking.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
i blogeth
Time: 13:12
Oh yes, I blog. Maybe, soon, one day, in very near future, my blog will be scrutinised by my government, and God forbid if I said anything seditious, because then someone will be knocking at my door and taking me away for two weeks with no access to a lawyer and have my poor computer, modem and hard drive consficated and what will I do if they found my entire porn collection?
The talks of tightening the reins of blogging or expressing of opinions raise heckles. Internet is, and remains, the only freeflow avenue for my fellow Malaysians to say what they feel and rest assured, they will be heard. Not that I agree people should just say what they want, because we're all born with logic and I am still optimistic that we are all good and rational and with the right faculty and nurtured with the right tools, we all can criticise constructively, bla bla bla...but curtailing our freedom is absolutely ridiculous and if anything, will be a surefire way to invite unwanted international attention on the oppression of Malaysians and the freedom of expression. Yay, Malaysia!
Also, rationally, who's to say what makes a good blog and what makes an offending blog? Say, if I'm unhappy with a policy, and wrote it here, would that lump me together with Jeff Ooi? So how will they work out whose blog to ban and who can blog? How is that fair to everyone? Why would some blogs be banned for seemingly innocuous entries and some blogs with inflammatory comments be allowed to continue? And, why should bloggers be held responsible for comments left on their blogs by random people who had two cents and wanted to put it there? That's akin to A knocking into B's car which was parked nicely at the curb. Would you blame B for parking his car there and therefore vulnerable to being hit by an idiotic kopi-license holder?
And it curdles my blood further to hear PSAs on radio channels telling people what are blogs and what (not) to write and about responsibility and maintaining peace (status quo).
*Perky voiceover* "This public service message is brought to you by iTalk!" */perky voiceover*
I say, screw that.
Yes, yes. These past few weeks has been quite an emotional ride for me. It is also the end of Week 12 of 14 of this unmentionably horrific-please-be-over semester.
Dress code. More specifically, our new FAS Dean's new dress code. For the very rational reason of there being construction work (and therefore a nest of immigrant labourers) right outside our miserable, small and smelly faculty, female students are asked to wear more 'cloth' and because there were strangers entering and stealing stuff or harassing students in our faculty, we are all told to wear our name tags.
Here I am, thinking those uniform-and-nametag-and-white-shoes days are over. And then I turn and some balding DSA officer smiled saccharinely and grabbed my nametag and lanyard from my hands right outside the ICT where I just returned the LCD and projector and told me "You're not wearing your nametag; follow me". Blood boiled, I saw fire hot red and grabbed my nametag back not-too-gently and walked away. Question is, WHY. We can produce our nametags if you ask us (nicely). We do not need officers entering lecture halls asking to see this student or that for not wearing tags and interrupting the lecture, undermining the lecturer's authority, distrupting class and generally leaving a bad taste in everyone's mouth, or having them taken in the computer labs cos we left them beside us on our desks. If we can login to the computers, you can be damned sure we are fellow students who faithfully paid our fees and your salary for our education.
Then couple days later with a handful of files and an obvious fuck-I'm-late harriedness, I grabbed my nametag, shoved it in front of the security guard's face and ran in.
"OI! WOI! Pakai nametag!"
Yell at me like that 9.34am as my first human-to-human interaction of the day? By a security guard?
*insert obscenity here*
Ruined my day. Totally ruined it.
I'm feeling rather oppressed and caged and angry. Some of it has nothing to do with anything but being caged and angry, and stressed and frustrated over circumstances I cannot change and will have to learn to live and let live (or go).
On top of it was the NaMaWee (sp?) Negarakuku phenomenon. Look, he spoke from the very hearts of the Chinese-oriented people of this country and every single thing he rapped, we have said or heard of before. Really, nothing new there. The bribe-taking police force? The slow and steady government servants? The getting education overseas so that we can come back and contribute scheme? Check. Check. Check. I agree. Someone has spoken.
And yet...I lament the use of our national anthem. Sure, it made a huge impact and got all the attention he wanted, but look, the anthem is the anthem. He was pretty much flag-burning there, in my opinion. Negaraku...ku? Oh. Come on, have a little class. The 5am morning call's really just a fact of this country. It has been here and will always be here because demmit, over 60% of the population of this country ARE Muslims, say what you will. And third, had he thought of the consequences? The "Please don't sue me, I've got no money" disclaimer in the end was funny, but now we're talking facing the law and fines and embarassment and shame to his family here. His parents forced to go on newspapers and entertain those oily politicians and apologize on his behalf...had he thought of that while he was having a blast in Taiwan?
And with the forthcoming elections, we can be sure to being treated to the slick maneuvres and hypocripsy of these politicians trying to prove how 'capable' they are and winning the voters' hearts. I guess all I'm saying is, I not stupid. And yes, I'm cynical.
On a last note, noticed how this 50th Merdeka month, there are so much less flags flying on cars and buildings? Its jarring to see a flag flying on a vehicle than not and I remember years ago they used to give out free flags at toll plazas. So, what happened? Budget better used on more duit kopi? Or is it saying something about how Malaysians are feeling in general?
Food for thought.
Yes, yes. I am Malaysian. I love Malaysia. I just gotta think, at this moment, of why. Cos apart from nasi lemak and my friends and family, I really don't know why anymore. And could I, do I want to do something to change that? Be part of a paradigm shift and reformation, or skip the country entirely? Both are so much easier said than done.
Happy Merdeka, Malaysia.
Oh yes, I blog. Maybe, soon, one day, in very near future, my blog will be scrutinised by my government, and God forbid if I said anything seditious, because then someone will be knocking at my door and taking me away for two weeks with no access to a lawyer and have my poor computer, modem and hard drive consficated and what will I do if they found my entire porn collection?
The talks of tightening the reins of blogging or expressing of opinions raise heckles. Internet is, and remains, the only freeflow avenue for my fellow Malaysians to say what they feel and rest assured, they will be heard. Not that I agree people should just say what they want, because we're all born with logic and I am still optimistic that we are all good and rational and with the right faculty and nurtured with the right tools, we all can criticise constructively, bla bla bla...but curtailing our freedom is absolutely ridiculous and if anything, will be a surefire way to invite unwanted international attention on the oppression of Malaysians and the freedom of expression. Yay, Malaysia!
Also, rationally, who's to say what makes a good blog and what makes an offending blog? Say, if I'm unhappy with a policy, and wrote it here, would that lump me together with Jeff Ooi? So how will they work out whose blog to ban and who can blog? How is that fair to everyone? Why would some blogs be banned for seemingly innocuous entries and some blogs with inflammatory comments be allowed to continue? And, why should bloggers be held responsible for comments left on their blogs by random people who had two cents and wanted to put it there? That's akin to A knocking into B's car which was parked nicely at the curb. Would you blame B for parking his car there and therefore vulnerable to being hit by an idiotic kopi-license holder?
And it curdles my blood further to hear PSAs on radio channels telling people what are blogs and what (not) to write and about responsibility and maintaining peace (status quo).
*Perky voiceover* "This public service message is brought to you by iTalk!" */perky voiceover*
I say, screw that.
Yes, yes. These past few weeks has been quite an emotional ride for me. It is also the end of Week 12 of 14 of this unmentionably horrific-please-be-over semester.
Dress code. More specifically, our new FAS Dean's new dress code. For the very rational reason of there being construction work (and therefore a nest of immigrant labourers) right outside our miserable, small and smelly faculty, female students are asked to wear more 'cloth' and because there were strangers entering and stealing stuff or harassing students in our faculty, we are all told to wear our name tags.
Here I am, thinking those uniform-and-nametag-and-white-shoes days are over. And then I turn and some balding DSA officer smiled saccharinely and grabbed my nametag and lanyard from my hands right outside the ICT where I just returned the LCD and projector and told me "You're not wearing your nametag; follow me". Blood boiled, I saw fire hot red and grabbed my nametag back not-too-gently and walked away. Question is, WHY. We can produce our nametags if you ask us (nicely). We do not need officers entering lecture halls asking to see this student or that for not wearing tags and interrupting the lecture, undermining the lecturer's authority, distrupting class and generally leaving a bad taste in everyone's mouth, or having them taken in the computer labs cos we left them beside us on our desks. If we can login to the computers, you can be damned sure we are fellow students who faithfully paid our fees and your salary for our education.
Then couple days later with a handful of files and an obvious fuck-I'm-late harriedness, I grabbed my nametag, shoved it in front of the security guard's face and ran in.
"OI! WOI! Pakai nametag!"
Yell at me like that 9.34am as my first human-to-human interaction of the day? By a security guard?
*insert obscenity here*
Ruined my day. Totally ruined it.
I'm feeling rather oppressed and caged and angry. Some of it has nothing to do with anything but being caged and angry, and stressed and frustrated over circumstances I cannot change and will have to learn to live and let live (or go).
On top of it was the NaMaWee (sp?) Negarakuku phenomenon. Look, he spoke from the very hearts of the Chinese-oriented people of this country and every single thing he rapped, we have said or heard of before. Really, nothing new there. The bribe-taking police force? The slow and steady government servants? The getting education overseas so that we can come back and contribute scheme? Check. Check. Check. I agree. Someone has spoken.
And yet...I lament the use of our national anthem. Sure, it made a huge impact and got all the attention he wanted, but look, the anthem is the anthem. He was pretty much flag-burning there, in my opinion. Negaraku...ku? Oh. Come on, have a little class. The 5am morning call's really just a fact of this country. It has been here and will always be here because demmit, over 60% of the population of this country ARE Muslims, say what you will. And third, had he thought of the consequences? The "Please don't sue me, I've got no money" disclaimer in the end was funny, but now we're talking facing the law and fines and embarassment and shame to his family here. His parents forced to go on newspapers and entertain those oily politicians and apologize on his behalf...had he thought of that while he was having a blast in Taiwan?
And with the forthcoming elections, we can be sure to being treated to the slick maneuvres and hypocripsy of these politicians trying to prove how 'capable' they are and winning the voters' hearts. I guess all I'm saying is, I not stupid. And yes, I'm cynical.
On a last note, noticed how this 50th Merdeka month, there are so much less flags flying on cars and buildings? Its jarring to see a flag flying on a vehicle than not and I remember years ago they used to give out free flags at toll plazas. So, what happened? Budget better used on more duit kopi? Or is it saying something about how Malaysians are feeling in general?
Food for thought.
Yes, yes. I am Malaysian. I love Malaysia. I just gotta think, at this moment, of why. Cos apart from nasi lemak and my friends and family, I really don't know why anymore. And could I, do I want to do something to change that? Be part of a paradigm shift and reformation, or skip the country entirely? Both are so much easier said than done.
Happy Merdeka, Malaysia.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Losing weight
Time: 02:19
When my favourite skirt start sliding around my hips, I got sad. That's my favourite skirt!
And when I can fit into Nichii clothes, I was beyond ecstatic. I don't feel so gigantic somehow. And I was so excited I bought a dress on a whim.
I've been trying to lose weight the past 3 months...and it's working...slowly. SLOWLY. REALLY slow. Some days its even went up the opposite way. It's been a painful, hurtful, depressing experience. And I'm only about halfway from where I want to be now. You know, all I want to do is to fit in. I don't want to be odd because I'm so fat anymore.
For every walk/jog/gym I didn't want to go, I remind myself that I have a mission, and every step will count, whether to burn calories or to up my metabolism. Every drop of sweat meant something. Some days I pushed myself not hard enough, and I swear and curse. Sometimes I punished myself enough for me to like myself. For that hour.
Until I look into the mirror and still see the fat girl in front of it. I wonder when will I start liking myself, when will I stop beating myself up and to measure all my self-worth against numbers on a scale. And when can I stop hating myself for that extra bite, for eating more than I think I should and for being human, and hungry.
And I remind myself, over and over and over and over, why am I doing this.
When my favourite skirt start sliding around my hips, I got sad. That's my favourite skirt!
And when I can fit into Nichii clothes, I was beyond ecstatic. I don't feel so gigantic somehow. And I was so excited I bought a dress on a whim.
I've been trying to lose weight the past 3 months...and it's working...slowly. SLOWLY. REALLY slow. Some days its even went up the opposite way. It's been a painful, hurtful, depressing experience. And I'm only about halfway from where I want to be now. You know, all I want to do is to fit in. I don't want to be odd because I'm so fat anymore.
For every walk/jog/gym I didn't want to go, I remind myself that I have a mission, and every step will count, whether to burn calories or to up my metabolism. Every drop of sweat meant something. Some days I pushed myself not hard enough, and I swear and curse. Sometimes I punished myself enough for me to like myself. For that hour.
Until I look into the mirror and still see the fat girl in front of it. I wonder when will I start liking myself, when will I stop beating myself up and to measure all my self-worth against numbers on a scale. And when can I stop hating myself for that extra bite, for eating more than I think I should and for being human, and hungry.
And I remind myself, over and over and over and over, why am I doing this.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Eating me up
Time: 01:21
I've been bottling up too much anger at too many people. I remembered the things they said and did, and the things they did not say and did not do.
I've been very, very angry. And sullen and stubborn.
And I've been avoiding having anything to do to resolve or undo the anger. It's become toxic. It's eating me up inside.
Maybe I should let go and forgive. I've been angry at far too many people for far too long.
I've been bottling up too much anger at too many people. I remembered the things they said and did, and the things they did not say and did not do.
I've been very, very angry. And sullen and stubborn.
And I've been avoiding having anything to do to resolve or undo the anger. It's become toxic. It's eating me up inside.
Maybe I should let go and forgive. I've been angry at far too many people for far too long.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
bad weekend
Time: 21:23
Headed to what's starting to look like the worst semester ever (made Year 1 Semester 2 a breeze) and then hit by THE worst weekend I had as far as I remember.
Started innocently enough...went to the gym after classes on Wednesday and when I came home, felt extra lethargic, which I didn't think much of. Got hit by fever and really, really achy legs and slept early to shake off whatever I had.
Thursday morning no classes and I took some fever pills so it felt like its gone. Then the fever returned that night and didn't go away. I had an assignment to pass up on Friday and a two-hour lecture and I don't know what compelled me to do so but I shivered, tossed and turned and not listen to a single word for two hours before handing in the assignment and ran home. Hid under the covers til I went to see the doc in the afternoon. He said I should do a blood test in the morning if the fever persisted.
After another less horrible night, the fever broke Saturday morning and I felt fine until that evening. I went to the doctor again and he gave me a referral letter to an A&E Dept for blood tests. He said I should not wait. It made me nervous. The worst medical emergency I ever had was when I scraped my knees really badly. That was 13 years ago and I didn't even need stitches.
But I've never felt that weak and desperate and my hands and feet were numb and I can't move without pausing and feeling like I will faint and every time I turn my head I can feel my brain was not registering the sights as fast as my eyes are, and my legs gave out on me a few times...so I told my mom I can't take it anymore. She took me to Sentosa Medical Centre where I spent another few hours on a cot covered with my jacket and blanket awaiting my blood test results and the good people even inserted an IV needle already, waiting in case they're admitting me.
Negative for dengue.
They sent me home. I still feel a little under the weather but a hella lot better than 24 hours ago.
What a fun weekend, huh.
Headed to what's starting to look like the worst semester ever (made Year 1 Semester 2 a breeze) and then hit by THE worst weekend I had as far as I remember.
Started innocently enough...went to the gym after classes on Wednesday and when I came home, felt extra lethargic, which I didn't think much of. Got hit by fever and really, really achy legs and slept early to shake off whatever I had.
Thursday morning no classes and I took some fever pills so it felt like its gone. Then the fever returned that night and didn't go away. I had an assignment to pass up on Friday and a two-hour lecture and I don't know what compelled me to do so but I shivered, tossed and turned and not listen to a single word for two hours before handing in the assignment and ran home. Hid under the covers til I went to see the doc in the afternoon. He said I should do a blood test in the morning if the fever persisted.
After another less horrible night, the fever broke Saturday morning and I felt fine until that evening. I went to the doctor again and he gave me a referral letter to an A&E Dept for blood tests. He said I should not wait. It made me nervous. The worst medical emergency I ever had was when I scraped my knees really badly. That was 13 years ago and I didn't even need stitches.
But I've never felt that weak and desperate and my hands and feet were numb and I can't move without pausing and feeling like I will faint and every time I turn my head I can feel my brain was not registering the sights as fast as my eyes are, and my legs gave out on me a few times...so I told my mom I can't take it anymore. She took me to Sentosa Medical Centre where I spent another few hours on a cot covered with my jacket and blanket awaiting my blood test results and the good people even inserted an IV needle already, waiting in case they're admitting me.
Negative for dengue.
They sent me home. I still feel a little under the weather but a hella lot better than 24 hours ago.
What a fun weekend, huh.
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