It just hit home...

...that I'm moving.

On Friday.

I have a gawdawful dream last night...before falling asleep I was fretting about the photos and cards and stuff still on my walls, and then I dreamed that it was Friday and the van man lugged everything into his van and I was wailing about my photos on the wall and he was dragging me by my arm.

And I am packing ahead of time anyway considering I'm not moving til Friday afternoon...but better early than late, no?

And the waiting is over and the prayers' answered...and I'm so grateful, so so grateful.

One problem over. This time next week I'd have finished my first day at work.

Without even realising it I'm counting down the days til I start work. Eeeeeks!

I think this year living with people has been successful...cos I held my tongue, let things be, and avoided bickering and confrontations. I'm happy I've lived in close proximity with the same people for a year now, and not had a single ugly moment. I think it's a milestone. I'm getting better. I hope! *fingers crossed*

Wishing and praying

This sucks.

I know I'm responsible for myself, and I truly enjoy doing that. But this current crisis sucks. I can't find a flat or a shared house in York. Well, I can, but I can't find what I liked, and have it, too.

I don't like how things are so out of my control. That I'm at the mercy of not just my own, but also another person's limited spending power. That so much rides on whether someone took a shine on us, or not.

I hate the waiting, I can't help how anxious I feel and how angry I get and how worked up I become while I wait. With a mixture of hope and dejection. Of not daring, but still going for it.

Rippling out from the deepest of my soul, the negativity and bad juju not just affects, but consumes me whole and I turn monstrous. I am truly and utterly ashamed of myself, and of my shameful behaviour, reaction and mindset.

Lately, in an introspective phase, I begin to truly wonder if I can be content. That lesson that I never learned. Still have not. I know I'm young, and I choose this path of uncertainty and unpredictables, but oh, the strength needed to sustain good, positive thoughts and keep going on.

I am truly scared of myself. Of how unhappy I am willing to be. How I dwell so much on the bad and dismiss the good. And lately, how easily my thoughts creep to giving up when I don't deserve to, when new and exciting things are happening and big changes abound. It's just that the end results remain the same: no matter which way I see it, I end up back where I started. And these couple of years, I could chalk it up to amazing experience, but I choose to see it as an abrupt end to a long-term project I started and not ready to finish yet. Not by long shot. In short, why am I doing all this when in the end it means nothing?

Now you see what I mean? From a simple issue at hand, my mind dwells and digs up all the issues I face, short and long term, and hook them in my heart, clawing and scratching.

Underwater with no air.

I need to break into the surface pronto, and breath. With no cue. And stay there paddling.

I wish I am able to talk with those near and dear. I feel so alone. And worried. I wish I can share and get a sobbing shoulder, and relieve The Boy of his duties for a while. I am afraid of this: that I'm driving him away. And if there is indeed a Higher Being, and I am of the agnostic stock, then tonight I get on my knees and pray for relief. For the jigsaw to fall into place. For my sanity. For hope. And for belief. I pray.

Nigglings in my heart

I knew it all along...

My mom (and I'm pretty certain my dad, to an extent) is disappointed with my choices in life.

From me studying political science, to my choice in men. And why I choose to stay so far away, and who I choose to make friends with...

And I struggle hard to keep away the nagging voices in my head, to learn to be my own person, and be okay with that.

And the voice of disapproval just never recede.

When will I, if indeed I can, truly break free?

When I'm swimming in money? When I find a man who will give me loads of money and not expect my silence and acquiescence in return? When my friends are in the who's who list and when my career makes me a who's who?

Earghhhhhhhhhhhh!

Dreams vs Reality

A blog entry inspired by Joanna's blog post

It's 3.13am, I don't remember being awake at this hour for the best part of 4 months now, and I was mentally drafting a blog entry.

So I re-fired my laptop, and here it is.

The Boy has been so awesome to me.

He knew (from the umpteenth time I've ranted about it) about my life-long struggles with weight and lack of self-esteem and self-confidence, and my self-image issues. I recognise now that a huge amount of my issues came from my weight, but a lot also came from how my family, peers, society and I dealt with it.

I've lost quite a bit of weight a couple years ago, bla blah bla, but since being in England, lost a lot of my food inhibitions and embraced my inner Martha Stewart. Result: Meat grew on my bones. Again. And I tried to deal with this by alternating between controling what I eat and ignoring it.

My aunt recently commented on my weight gain on a photo on my Facebook. The Boy was sufficiently enraged. I wasn't so reactive, I've resigned to having my size, appearance and perceived weight gain and lost being scrutinised by all and sundry. He left a rather assertive comment below my aunt's comment. I showed my mum the offending photo.

Y'know what she said? "But, you have gone bigger these days!"

That's just how it is, isn't it?

Lately I've been fighting with my inner demons and my unwillingness to go home, or even at all near the society I grew up in. I see newly arrived Malaysian students in my neighbourhood and while I might mosey over for a nose, I'll never identify myself.

Joanna wrote about her (and mum's) dream as an 18 year old, and what to expect. To meet a decent Malaysian guy in uni - one who came from a decent, well-off background, to get married at 24, have kids couple of years later, a high-flying career and the standard-issue house, car, kids and pets.

Although my mum has never overtly put the same pressure on me (and in fact, told me to not settle for just any guy and that I should date a bit), for some reason I've put the pressure onto myself. Not with the guy, necessarily, but career-wise. I haven't been successful. At 24 I've got not much to show, and currently I'm not even employed. A disgrace!

And I could take the easy route and go home. But therein lies the problem. Each day I get 'out here', makes me guiltier for leaving my mum at home with my brother. Because she was ill, and because my brother had to be home and therefore not given the same freedom to go anywhere he'd like to go for days at a time. But yet, the environment is so toxic when I'm home.

I'm reminded almost each day what a failure I am as a daughter, a sister, a friend and a person - how selfish I am, how lazy, how inadequate. I've been driven to the brink many times, and the only reason I'm still here is because of the hope of escaping from it. The last time I was home, the thought of being able to fly away sustained me. I felt so guilty about wanting to leave, I cried on the plane. I asked myself if this is the right thing I'm doing. I'm still asking myself that question.

I think it is, for now. But I've learned demons follow a person. Mine are still haunting me, and through it all, The Boy has been an immense strength and support.

I still don't know how the story will be for the two of us, I wonder if I'm settling. Then again, he may be settling for me, too.

At the back of my mind, my dream man is a City worker, dashing, intelligent, intellectual, rich, well-traveled. Someone I can show off. Someone who can give me loads of dispensable cash. But in reality, The Boy isn't any of that...yet.

He is an artist; a laid-back, funny, down-to-earth, stubborn git. He is cute, endearing and surprisingly sensible and perceptive. He is close to his family, and while intelligent, is not an intellect. And we get on really well. For two people with nothing obvious in common, we're good together.

And I love him for being my strength, and for making me laugh, and for listening to my self-absorbed whinging, and for the person he is.

I don't know if there's any more dreams left in me - perhaps one or two. But reality is cold, and something I have to face, and I'm glad to have him with me on this leg of the rat race.

Endings

...my internship that is.

Started yesterday, ended today.

Learned some, gained some and need more. Money, that is.

To the great job search, again.

I'm dejected, in truth...It drains the will of living out of a person, making one feel so insecure and inadequate of one's inabilities. But that's the way it is here, and I chose this path, so I will walk on.

Bruges was great, I will do a good blog post on it very soon, but on the ferry home...the dark waters beneath the ferry looked so inviting. It'd be so easy to just...jump in. While I'm still ahead. But is the situation bad enough? At all? Was I crazy? It is NOT end of the road for me.

So I took a moment to take stock, to look at the bigger picture. Yes, maybe it's time to go. Better now than in a year's time, when I still have not much to show, and not because of what I am incapable of. At least now I take away the most of what I have done; what I could do, but not have the opportunity to...and put it to good use elsewhere. "Free reins" was just an excuse, I'm not a salesperson.

I know what motivates me: That paycheque, the knowledge that what I do meant something, good communication and camaraderie, and that there's a team of supportive, equally enthusiastic workmates alongside me.

Will come back when I'm more cheery. Meanwhile, one gotta plod on.

Bye Pudu Jail

I did not apply for a single job last weekend.

I was bad. :(

*Bad, lazy Puiyee! BAD!*

On another thought, Pudu Jail is apparently going down tonight (probably is in the midst of being demolished already as we speak). I only feel a bit sorry because I spent my memorable primary school years in its vicinity only to watch the surrounding areas change and transform with shocking speed and brutal efficiency ...all in the name of development.

The monorail and Berjaya Times Square wasn't even there when I went to school there. The building across our school was called Shaw Parade, and we used to go to the McDs on the ground floor there before computer classes. That main road separating our school from McDs was where I learnt to cross roads safely. Bukit Bintang Girl School existed when I was a kid, and I could see it from my mum's office when she worked in KL Plaza.

These days I barely recognise the entire area. The Pandan roundabout was no more to start with. I wouldn't know how to go to Jln Loke Yew if you ask me these days. Jalan Peel, Jalan Cochrane, Jalan Tambi Dollah and Jalan Changkat Jering remain only names from my childhood.

And today another landmark will be physically removed from us.

Development, the evil word, huh?


Source:Pudu Jail

But not from my memories.

Those are good. Those remain treasured.

NOTE TO SELF

WILL APPLY FOR JOBS THIS WEEKEND, NO PROCRASTINATING, ELSE, ONE WILL PUNISH ONESELF.

Yes, I'm screaming at myself. That's right.

Weirdos abound

Confession: I FaceStalk.

A lot.

It pleases me immensely to log on in the mornings (after a 12-hour hiatus) to check on people's not just status messages, but posted items/links, changes, photos, events, etc.

I'm born nosy. I blame momma and dadda.

Maybe it's my Asian genes?

ANYWAY.

Point is, there is quite a few people who I FaceStalk especially simply because they post constantly and they're a laugh. They run the gamut - from being plain stupid to plain vain to simply unbelievably retarded (but believes otherwise).

I enjoy. A LOT! :D

Same reason why I read blogs written by an unnamed American-wise-guy-former-'expat'-in-Singapore-who-had-a-row-with-Xiaxue. Because some people are truly unbelieable, y'know? Plagiarism! Nicking ideas off other people! Stating the obvious! Viewing the world in one dimension!

Now...I'm not saying I'm not a weirdo/retard/vainpot myself. I am. I just happen to have a bit more self-awareness.

Siapa makan cili, dia terasa pedas lah, ya?
*If you eat spice, you'll feel the heat*

Otherwise, don't be perasan lah!


Trying to reflect the mean karma with a mirror as I type

Holiday booked

Well, not a holiday per se, more like a weekend getaway to Bruges, Belgium.

Itinerary
8 July
Sheffield --> Hull (train)
Hull --> Zeebrugge (overnight ferry)

9 July
Arrive in Zeebrugge --> Transfer to Bruges on coach
Explore city and check in hotel

10 July
Explore city
Evening coach from Bruges to Zeebrugge
Zeebrugge --> Hull

11 July
Hull --> Sheffield

Fingers crossed!

Twelve months today!

For posterity's sake (I'm really usually not this sentimental *cough*) -



And regrettably, we're not going to do anything "special"...well, because it's middle of the week, he's at home and we do plenty special things together anyway *wink*.

I mean, we do plenty of walks, meals, shopping, visiting, films...

Couple of things on the pipeline though: Maybe a 2-person BBQ in a park this weekend if the weather permits and/or a Japanese meal.



Love ya, you shmelly poo

Hunger and karipap

My stomach's been growling and grumbling for a while now. It's 11.53am and still at least half an hour before it is decent to have my lunch.

And I keep smelling curry puff (karipap to us Malaysians lah ya...) even though I think it's just the reduced continental loafs in my drawer (18p for 4!).

I'm thinking of Bruges or Amsterdam with the boy on either the 18th or 25th weekend.

We went to Leeds last Saturday but it was too warm and bright and sunshiny to do too much.

I cooked lamb shanks yesterday.

And I'd do many many things for one of these gems preferably with a piece of boiled egg and many chicken chunks inside:


Credits

Oh mak aku...

Delivery boy

Last night my housemate's Tesco delivery order arrived.

She was on the phone upstairs and her boyfriend was cleaning the toilet and trailing bleach.

I opened the door, greeted the guy, he looked at me, and was obviously taken in.

Small talks, passing around products ensued.

Tickles me to know I still *have it* despite being in an oversized uni hoodie.

*Pats back, me*

An entirely syiok sendiri post

Don't know now

What do you do, when you know someone close is walking down the other path?

That it's a road of no-return, and their mindset, beliefs and faith, will all be so irrevocably different, so opposing and opposed of yours?

That the very core, essence, nature of your friendship, of the trust and love you placed on it, will have to change?

I've lost so much, and I'm losing this one more.

Feels like one more reason to hate.

Too many women?

With the addition of another person into our house, we have a total of 4 females and one male living together in close quarters.

One evening, we all sat together to watch Ally McBeal and naturally, girl-friendly conversations ensued.

Our lone male housemate took a bottle of beer from the shelf, retired to the kitchen, tuned in to Hallam FM, and contemplated life.

And that's how I found him, sipping his beer.

'Too many women!', he said.

Classic.

A day in the life of...

Bliss is...when the weather permits and you and your housemates walk to the market to shop; when you smell charcoal smoke wafting in the air; when you hear the sound of meat sizzling on the barbie, and when you have a huge chow-down session with loads meat, potato salad and laughter.



This is our very first BBQ of the year, despite the threatening rain (it did drizzle lightly at one point, we moved the BBQ to the alleyway between our house and neighbour's) it was amazing.



Then a week later, to celebrate my housemate Ally (long-awaited) finishing her dissertation, Hilary moving into the house, and mine and Tim J and Tim C's birthdays, and Marcia's internship with the British Red Cross (yes a lot of reasons to celebrate!), we had another BBQ.

It was a warmer, sunnier day as well.



Marcia wrapping up Tim C's present, our kitchen looked like a mini-disaster zone with plates, salad bowls and sauces spread around.



I do love this photo, it's really not that great it being unfocused and grainy...but it did capture the moment.



And finally, just to show off, my massive birthday card...



It's a good start to warmer weather, but I'm finally old enough to not want to tell people my age anymore.

Ish.

Bad habit

When I'm in a supermarket or sandwich shop or newsagent...

I am always tempted to pick up a snack or two. And sometimes I succumb.

A bar of chocolate. A bag of crisps. A stick of Starburst.

But I never finish them. Actually, I don't even open them or look at them. They sit on my table for weeks and weeks, til Tim asks if he can have some. I always let him finish them off.

Aior...either I eat or I stop buying. Cos I have a lone packet of Salt & Vinegar Walkers Crisps on my desk and 2/3 of a stick of Starburst in my drawer that will remain uneaten now.

Brick wall

Dear me,

I really, really need to talk. I just don't know who'd listen and help me analyse this. I've been feeling a tad low.

I wonder what it takes to make lasting relationships.

Because I seem to be the type who burns bridges every so often...and awful as it is, the last few weeks, I have been and still is tempted, to burn that one bridge that I have cultivated, watered, fed and nurtured for a year now. Well, more like built foundations, laid bricks, painted and tarmacked considering I'm speaking of a bridge...but anyhow, my heart is painfully telling me, I want out.

But immediately after that, I know how absurd it is, because there is no solid reason to, apart from my feeling bored and frustrated about how life is going in general. That I want to set myself free once again, into the world, and start again.

Reset.

I can't. The illusion that I have done it once came from the generousity of my dad. There will be no second chance, and rightly so. There's nothing left I'm allowed to ask beyond what I have already demanded.

Why? What is it?

Dancing on my tongue is the closest easiest reply: I'm afraid of commitment. I want to hold out.

But for what? How greedy can I get? When will enough really be enough for me?

I just feel at this moment, that life is on a bit of a freefall. I feel like I have no support, and I'm too prideful, too ashamed to ask. To admit I don't know, to admit how green I still am. I am on the verge of cracking, perhaps already am, but I can't pinpoint the exact reason(s), and it baffles me because I'm supposed to be a strong person. But a strong person doesn't snap and throw tantrums and sulk. And those are the very things I found myself doing to comfort myself, reminiscence of the young girl I was. The only element missing is the out-and-out yelling and arguing.

I just want to jump onto a plane train (volcano ash, less carbon footprints) and leave once again. When will I learn, truly learn to be in control? Why the relapses?

Heart, be still...

So much to say...

...but really, nowhere to say it.

Because half (or most) are just thoughts floating in my head, the need to whinge and moan.

1. My tummy hurts :(

2. My hands are cold, the office is cold.

3. I don't wanna work today, still tired from yesterday.

4. I feel like cooking. Its extremely satisfying. Even if it goes wrong, it won't taste horrible. Because its usually just the case of not getting the 'right' taste, but I'm glad apart from being slightly heavy-handed with salt (and pepper), I've got good seasoning 'eye'

5. I'm slightly put out with The Boy. I don't know why. I know I shouldn't be. I'm being unreasonable. I'm feeling the sort of feelings I should not be feeling. I need to master them and be more rational. Do not let my heart rule over my head.

6. I have 7 hours til end of my work day.

7. My hands are still cold.

8. I want more money.

9. I wanna fly off somewhere again. Or take a train. Just go away.

10. Just Friday blues, shut up Puiyee.

An unusual feeling indeed

And that feeling is, at the moment, pretty content.

Very rarely I share news of joy, because of my inherent fear of jinxing things. Sort of like, by voicing something aloud, I turn it pear-shaped.

But as I walk home from work these days (I still sleep late and drag myself up in the mornings), I feel good. I have a vague smile on my face. I wave hello to the little old lady standing outside her house at 5.15pm every evening.

I feel in some ways I've came a full circle. Its a good feeling.

Yesterday I got tired of my long hair and trimmed it myself on my bed with the bin sat next to my covers. Today I changed all my bedcovers. My duvet's bright and pink again. I get paid tomorrow. It's also UK elections day. My laptop screen busted 2 weeks ago, and the computer guy at the computer shop is taking his time. Tim loaned me his laptop. No stress.

It's 12.45am, I should shower and sleep soon. Maybe after reading some news on the Beeb. Maybe after watching Jamie 'Oh my Lord!' Oliver prance his way through Stockholm.

Bahasa saya....

...sangat, sangat karat.

Apakah punca masalahnya? Sistem pelajaran yang tidak berkesan? Masa di bangku sekolah, selama 11 tahun, saya fasih Bahasa, siap dengan loghat Melayu. Tapi, tinggalkan sekolah sahaja, hancur terus, penguasaan bahasa langsung menjadi lemah.

Sekarang, nak fikirkan perkataan pun susah, lidah kelu, kena cari di Wikipedia atau kamus Inggeris-Melayu!

Dan dahlah sekarang daku di seberang laut, tiada peluang berbahasa. Maklumlah, jarang dapat bertemu orang Malaysia, tegur sapa pun cuma di kedai sesekali-sekala.

Aduh, sedih. Sedih.