Cry my beloved Malay soul
AB Sulaiman | Feb 6, 09 10:51am
http://www.malaysiakini.com/opinions/97705
When Alan Paton wrote ‘Cry The Beloved Country’ he was lamenting over the inhumanity of man over man, of how the whites can devise, construct and implement race- and colour-based social and economic injustices over the blacks in apartheid-era South Africa.
MCPX
The whole world had condemned this practice; we were among the loudest screaming against it.
South Africa has moved on since then, and today it is one shining example of an emancipated, open and progressive country, enjoying a respectable place in the community of nations. It has thrown apartheid into the bins of its history.
malaysia people rakyatHere in Malaysia, yes we condemn apartheid, and quite rightly so. But in the same breath we were and are still its major proponent our version of apartheid.
We do not call it apartheid; of course not. We call it instead ‘Ketuanan Melayu’ under the guise of ‘championing Malay rights,’ and implementing it under the New Economic Policy. It’s smart, right? In none of them does the word ‘apartheid’ appear!
Yes, we are smart. We do not blatantly call it apartheid, we merely perfected the process of social separation. First of all we ensure the great majority of civil servants, the police, and the military are manned by Malays (the target benefactors). We give them good salaries, good perks and assured employment. We then devise rules and regulations, and even laws, to ensure the NEP’s easy implementation.
We then brainwash our Malay brethren with the notion ‘untuk agama bangsa dan negara’ that there is a higher ideal beyond performing a duty with professionalism and dedication, and that is doing things in the name of religion and race.
We devise rules and regulations, and even laws, to ensure the NEP’s easy implementation.
Then we design and implement social and economic policies like channeling lucrative government contracts, separate education streams, housing rebates, banking and financial support, in favour of, you guessed it, the Malays.
It does not stop there. We devise measures to prevent the people from raising too much objections to all these by introducing or continuing legislation and religiously implementing them.
The Sedition Act for example stops people from talking too much about language and religion. The Official Secrets Act prevents people from gaining access to government files.
Students and lecturers are not allowed to discuss and make public any subject that would appear to be critical to government (yes, government, not political) policies and philosophies.
All publications must, first of all, get operating licences. Newspapers must not only get a licence before publishing but it must be renewed every year.
Sacrifices conveniently forgotten
The king of all of the suppressive and oppressive laws is the Internal Security Act, when a citizen can be put under detention without the benefit of any charge!
All said and done, we sacrifice the rule of law in favour of rule by private individuals. To show that we are really smart, we pooh pooh the loyalty and patriotism of the non-Malay segment of the population.
We call them pendatang or immigrants bearing the stigma that they are social discard from their original country, similar to rogues, rascals, refugees, mercenaries and scoundrels. We just ignore their proven talent and ability in wealth creation and economic productivity, as well as to their demonstrated loyalty and patriotism.
Many of such pendatangs have made the ultimate sacrifices as military personnel defending its security, during the Emergency, the Confrontation period with Indonesia and as policemen while policing the social environment.
They have contributed and are continuing to, in sport and the arts. Their record as loyal and patriotic Malaysians is quite impeccable. But we do not really care.
The perplexing thing is that despite these attributes and positive records of the non-Malays, we are still going about championing and implement apartheid principles. In this new year, perhaps we can do with a little reflection: why are we doing all this?
We do this apparently to recover our lost soul. We perceive that we have been victims of colonisation when the Portuguese, Dutch and British colonisers all but butchered the Malay entity, psychology and culture. In the process we perceive that we have lost our Malay identity.
With independence, we thought we could recapture the lost glory of Malay suzerainty by becoming masters of all facets of a nation, especially its commerce, and economy. We found out that the Chinese community had beaten us to it.
We felt the Chinese had capitalised on our weakness and captured the economic initiatives (and wealth) as well as the social characteristics of the country. We lost ‘face’.
Now we want to regain the mertabat or dignity and pride of the Malay race!
Yes, we feel that we have to recover our soul and it is here that we are reminded of Paton’s book title, but in this case suitably paraphrased to – cry my beloved Malay soul.
Our Malay soul needs to cry for doing the right thing for the wrong reason or the wrong thing for the right reason; even for the wrong thing for the wrong reason, but not for the right thing for the right reason.
To start with colonisation is really not an excuse for our psychological malaise and ineptitude.
Colonisation has been a feature of human history and felt all over the world. There are very few countries that have not been colonised in the world.
It is thus a neutral concept in human social and economic development. It is certainly not an impediment to social or economic progress as we are wont to portray it. We should dump this notion that we hold dear into the bin of history.
Rethinking our way of thinking
Just look at the records. The Koreans were once colonised by the Japanese, but today Korea is an industrial power house. Singapore was once colonised by the British and was indeed a part of us, and today we see this tiny country being a solid financial, trading and industrial entity.
Most pointedly of all, the US was once a British colony and today it is the mightiest nation in the world. Our second grouse - that the Chinese have cornered the economic sector of the country also needs re-looking into, on two counts.
First, the Chinese did not become successful based on any conscious and concerted economic programme to economically marginalise us.
We did this self-inflicted wound ourselves. As proof, we have to note that most of the Chinese came to our shores with only their feet, hands, guts and brains and perhaps a bundle of clothes, nothing more.
They become successful for their hard work, both physically and mentally and for the sacrifices they were prepared to make and had undertaken. They were successful for having the mental fortitude to seek opportunities, grab those that come along and worked extra hard to realise the potentials of these opportunities.
Secondly, we have been given a chance to be equal with them, both under numerous 'special privileges' enshrined in the Constitution, as well as under its NEP implementation programme.
The special privileges have always been in the constitution while the latter began in 1970. In short, we have been given the chance - the opportunity - many times over, to better our Malay polity.
Whereas the Chinese had to struggle just to find and identify the opportunities, in our case they were handed to us on a silver platter!
Thus far we have failed to capitalise adequately on them. It rather shameful we missing out on these chances specially created for us in the first place.
Either way the root cause of our weaknesses and the strength of the Chinese lies in two words - positive thinking. Our thinking is mired with so many dos and don’ts, so many musts and musn’ts, so many cans and cannots, may and may nots, plenty enough to created and internalise doubts and fears in our minds.
So much so that we have doubt over what we can and what we can’t do, what is allowed and what is not. We spend a lifetime looking for these highly complex cans and cannots, musts and must nots, that we have hardly any mental energy left to develop and self-confidence to get on and face the realities of life.
Let’s refer to this case as the ‘can’t don’t and won’t syndrome’. The Chinese by the way are not encumbered by such syndromes.
What appears to have happened is that this syndrome has affected our mental ability to conceptualise. We see things on the straight and narrow. We accept wisdoms handed down to us by our elders as the gospel truth.
Blinded by sentiment
We do not see that things can be seen and interpreted in many alternative ways. We feel we have the monopoly on truth; we therefore think that we are right all the time and other people are wrong all the time. Witness the way we see religion for example.
We think that we as Muslims are right and other people who profess other religions are wrong, all the time.
We need to cry for thinking that we can and have doctored the way the people think and do things. We have been intimidating the people with what they can read or write or think and do.
We seem to be saying "you can think anything, do anything, write anything so long as it does not criticise or condemn the government".
Soul-searching and resuscitating is not or should not be about pointing accusing fingers at some bogeys. That would be a most negative thing to do. It would be better for us to be open-minded and be able to identify our own strengths and weaknesses.
We improve upon our strengths and dump our weaknesses. Mainly we must be able to develop the awareness that we have both the strengths and weaknesses in the first place.
To illustrate, the NEP has proved many time over as a failed strategy for our socio-economic advancement. Let us be aware of this in the first place and move on seeking other ways with better chance of success.
How about secularising the Malay mind? It might make for a good start for we can see many of the don’ts, can’ts, musn’ts dissipating into the wind.
In the meantime, here we are in the early days of a new year. We should begin by realising that whatever 'smart’ moves we had undertaken all this while have not really been that smart after all.
The joke is on us. Everybody says so – the liberated Malays, the non-Malays, our neighbours and the rest of the international community. Only those of us basking in our closed mind and benefiting from the profits of the status quo say it’s alright.
Happy New Year all the same and here’s hoping this year we can get a good perspective as to what propagating a good mertabat really means. It’s long overdue.
In the meantime, cry my beloved Malay soul.
Saturday, February 07, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
25 thigns meme
Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged.
1. I am a huge Harry Potter fan. The books accompanied me through my school days: I read the first one beginning of my secondary school years and the final one in my final year at uni. Its the great amount of imagination, and work/research Rowling's put into it that made it so magical and engaging. I'm almost terribly realistic but Harry Potter made me imagine, so its quite a feat really.
2. I love Grey's Anatomy - drama, medicine, good looking people, witty dialogues, sex. What's not to like except the more and more absurb plot and Danny's disturbing appearances? Actually I love most medical dramas. ER, House, Medical Investigations, CSI (all 3 of it)...hmm.
3. I'm fascinated with ancient Chinese costumes. Hence me watching TVB's period drama series like Lady Yang and War and Beauty, etc. Actually fine, I like quite a few of them TVB series.
4. Big Milo fan. So big that I bought a bag to UK, had another big bag shipped, had a mate get me a bag when he heads back here and bought a 1kg tin from the Asian grocery store...all within my first 3 months here.
5. Am an affectionate person. I love my hugs and kisses. A lot. And cuddling? Its tops. =)
6. I wish I could, but I don't enjoy alcohol all that much. It doesn't taste or feel good to me. I just get from nothing to too hot and my head throbs and I grow sleepy and then I'd want to throw up. Zero to drunk isn't exactly nice.
7. I'm terrible. I can sleep everywhere. I'm that notorious person at the back of every lecture snoozing away. My parents paid for me to sleep through uni, ha. Being able to get away with it and still do well is crazy. I can sleep on your bed. On a library table. On the bus. The plane. But I don't sleep at night til I'm 2 ticks away from dropping and drooling from lack of sleep.
8. So I'm not a morning person. I'm in a daze and in my own world in the mornings. Don't talk to me. I'll talk to you when I want to and feel like it.
9. I used to be fat. (What, you mean you're not now?!) Yep. At 5'1" I was a size UK 14. That's pretty terrible. One day some superstrength epiphany came over me and I thought enough was really enough. So over 8 months I walked and starved myself down 40lbs (20kg). I cannot and will not put myself through that again. Like I said, it was superstrength. Now I'm back to puny laziness.
10. Because of that, I was teased through school. I had a lot of issues with self-esteem, self-image and confidence. But I wasn't mousy. I was bitchy and defensive. I hurt before I was hurt. That was my modus operandi. No boys ever looked at me. I still have the leftover baggage haunting me (in every sense) but I try to move on and away from all that now. But I think some scars are for life.
11. I get really really bad food cravings, I discover. Right now I'm hankering after nasi lemak, yam cake and my mom's cooking.
12. My favourite fruit is mango. Mango on its own. Mango pudding. Mango cake. Mango scented shower gel. Mango anything. Bring it on.
13. I never remember song lyrics or movies plots. Literally in, and out.
14. I don't have the concentration to read anymore like I used to :(
15. Total Internet junkie. I need to seek help.
16. I love going places and seeing how other people live. Traveling remains my life's passion. I think Bangkok with Gianne, and Penang with the girls would probably be really good memories I'll keep for life.
17. I'm a WYSIWYG person. No bullshit from me.
18. So...I rarely wear make up, dressing up is fun but not a daily affair and sneakers remain my footwear of choice (because I can't wear flip-flops in this weather can I?!). It's not that I don't like to look good, I just can't be bothered most of the time.
19. I think my dream is to run a cafe or B&B by the sea somewhere watching tourists go by, and close up during off-peak season and travel.
20. I have bad, bad hand-eye and hand-body-leg coordination. I'm clumsy. I'm klutzy. I'm awkward. I'm not comfortable with my own body. Therefore I suck at games, team sports, posing for pics and salsa-ing. General dancing too. However, swimming is good. Swimming is fine. Swimming is solo.
21. I've got no talent in anything, but I think I can write. I hope I'm not delusional about that.
22. I'm bad with budget (you're forewarned).
23. I think I'm really, really picky with my choice of men. Therefore my perpetual singlehood.
24. Not many people know I'm short-sighted. Not many people's seen me with glasses, heck.
25. I'm actually, really shy. I borrow confidence from people I'm with. So the times I actually do approach people and ask, I amaze myself. I'm always too embarassed and shy to do so. Not directions though; I'm capable of asking for directions, ha.
1. I am a huge Harry Potter fan. The books accompanied me through my school days: I read the first one beginning of my secondary school years and the final one in my final year at uni. Its the great amount of imagination, and work/research Rowling's put into it that made it so magical and engaging. I'm almost terribly realistic but Harry Potter made me imagine, so its quite a feat really.
2. I love Grey's Anatomy - drama, medicine, good looking people, witty dialogues, sex. What's not to like except the more and more absurb plot and Danny's disturbing appearances? Actually I love most medical dramas. ER, House, Medical Investigations, CSI (all 3 of it)...hmm.
3. I'm fascinated with ancient Chinese costumes. Hence me watching TVB's period drama series like Lady Yang and War and Beauty, etc. Actually fine, I like quite a few of them TVB series.
4. Big Milo fan. So big that I bought a bag to UK, had another big bag shipped, had a mate get me a bag when he heads back here and bought a 1kg tin from the Asian grocery store...all within my first 3 months here.
5. Am an affectionate person. I love my hugs and kisses. A lot. And cuddling? Its tops. =)
6. I wish I could, but I don't enjoy alcohol all that much. It doesn't taste or feel good to me. I just get from nothing to too hot and my head throbs and I grow sleepy and then I'd want to throw up. Zero to drunk isn't exactly nice.
7. I'm terrible. I can sleep everywhere. I'm that notorious person at the back of every lecture snoozing away. My parents paid for me to sleep through uni, ha. Being able to get away with it and still do well is crazy. I can sleep on your bed. On a library table. On the bus. The plane. But I don't sleep at night til I'm 2 ticks away from dropping and drooling from lack of sleep.
8. So I'm not a morning person. I'm in a daze and in my own world in the mornings. Don't talk to me. I'll talk to you when I want to and feel like it.
9. I used to be fat. (What, you mean you're not now?!) Yep. At 5'1" I was a size UK 14. That's pretty terrible. One day some superstrength epiphany came over me and I thought enough was really enough. So over 8 months I walked and starved myself down 40lbs (20kg). I cannot and will not put myself through that again. Like I said, it was superstrength. Now I'm back to puny laziness.
10. Because of that, I was teased through school. I had a lot of issues with self-esteem, self-image and confidence. But I wasn't mousy. I was bitchy and defensive. I hurt before I was hurt. That was my modus operandi. No boys ever looked at me. I still have the leftover baggage haunting me (in every sense) but I try to move on and away from all that now. But I think some scars are for life.
11. I get really really bad food cravings, I discover. Right now I'm hankering after nasi lemak, yam cake and my mom's cooking.
12. My favourite fruit is mango. Mango on its own. Mango pudding. Mango cake. Mango scented shower gel. Mango anything. Bring it on.
13. I never remember song lyrics or movies plots. Literally in, and out.
14. I don't have the concentration to read anymore like I used to :(
15. Total Internet junkie. I need to seek help.
16. I love going places and seeing how other people live. Traveling remains my life's passion. I think Bangkok with Gianne, and Penang with the girls would probably be really good memories I'll keep for life.
17. I'm a WYSIWYG person. No bullshit from me.
18. So...I rarely wear make up, dressing up is fun but not a daily affair and sneakers remain my footwear of choice (because I can't wear flip-flops in this weather can I?!). It's not that I don't like to look good, I just can't be bothered most of the time.
19. I think my dream is to run a cafe or B&B by the sea somewhere watching tourists go by, and close up during off-peak season and travel.
20. I have bad, bad hand-eye and hand-body-leg coordination. I'm clumsy. I'm klutzy. I'm awkward. I'm not comfortable with my own body. Therefore I suck at games, team sports, posing for pics and salsa-ing. General dancing too. However, swimming is good. Swimming is fine. Swimming is solo.
21. I've got no talent in anything, but I think I can write. I hope I'm not delusional about that.
22. I'm bad with budget (you're forewarned).
23. I think I'm really, really picky with my choice of men. Therefore my perpetual singlehood.
24. Not many people know I'm short-sighted. Not many people's seen me with glasses, heck.
25. I'm actually, really shy. I borrow confidence from people I'm with. So the times I actually do approach people and ask, I amaze myself. I'm always too embarassed and shy to do so. Not directions though; I'm capable of asking for directions, ha.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Pan mee
Yes.
Today, like many true blue Malaysian foodies, I had four (4) [empat] 四 meals. I'll stress, worry and moan about it tomorrow.
Because today, I got ready for bed at 10pm. And the moment I hit the pillow, my mind was filled with the wonderful images of pan mee. The ones I regularly eat from the dirty stall in Maluri. The kick ass ones my mom made. I couldn't kick the images away. It kept coming back. So I started wondering.
Is it possible...?
I have no minced meat to make the wonderful minced meat we pour generously onto the bowl of noodles with. Am I desperate enough to go down to Tesco's, get a boxful of beef mince, use a spoonful and throw the rest of £4 away? Not really.
I have no sweet potato leaves, which is possibly the soul of the soup.
I have no pan mee noodles, of course, and I don't have flour or the finesse needed to make noodles from scratch.
But I have dried shiitake mushrooms! I have wonderful, wonderful ikan bilis. I have noodles with similar chewy, eggy texture of pan mee.
I nicked someone's half chicken breast and minced it. I've a bagful of rocket-watercress-spinach salad and decided I cannot be picky in the wrong continent.
And I am craving pan mee at 10pm.
Do I remember how to make the minced meat and shiitake mushrooms? Huh. After watching my mom do it every other weekend for the better part of my life, you fkin bet.
And this, this is something I hadn't had since September. This stuff is even better than the ones my mom use in her kitchen, because it's the bigger, cheaper kind, the kind we get from hawkers and kopitiams (sorry mom!)
THIS. This is the no-fail, craving-satisfying bowl of steaming pan mee, and pretty true to my mom's version (plus modifications).
Ahhh. I am a very happy person.
And yes, so happy that I felt compelled to blog about it. Now I can sleep happy.
*Sighs in deeeeeep satisfaction*
Today, like many true blue Malaysian foodies, I had four (4) [empat] 四 meals. I'll stress, worry and moan about it tomorrow.
Because today, I got ready for bed at 10pm. And the moment I hit the pillow, my mind was filled with the wonderful images of pan mee. The ones I regularly eat from the dirty stall in Maluri. The kick ass ones my mom made. I couldn't kick the images away. It kept coming back. So I started wondering.
Is it possible...?
I have no minced meat to make the wonderful minced meat we pour generously onto the bowl of noodles with. Am I desperate enough to go down to Tesco's, get a boxful of beef mince, use a spoonful and throw the rest of £4 away? Not really.
I have no sweet potato leaves, which is possibly the soul of the soup.
I have no pan mee noodles, of course, and I don't have flour or the finesse needed to make noodles from scratch.
But I have dried shiitake mushrooms! I have wonderful, wonderful ikan bilis. I have noodles with similar chewy, eggy texture of pan mee.
I nicked someone's half chicken breast and minced it. I've a bagful of rocket-watercress-spinach salad and decided I cannot be picky in the wrong continent.
And I am craving pan mee at 10pm.
Do I remember how to make the minced meat and shiitake mushrooms? Huh. After watching my mom do it every other weekend for the better part of my life, you fkin bet.
And this, this is something I hadn't had since September. This stuff is even better than the ones my mom use in her kitchen, because it's the bigger, cheaper kind, the kind we get from hawkers and kopitiams (sorry mom!)
THIS. This is the no-fail, craving-satisfying bowl of steaming pan mee, and pretty true to my mom's version (plus modifications).
Ahhh. I am a very happy person.
And yes, so happy that I felt compelled to blog about it. Now I can sleep happy.
*Sighs in deeeeeep satisfaction*
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Quotes
From Paulo Coelho:
“The Soul of the World is nourished by people's happiness. And also by unhappiness, envy, and jealousy. To realize one's Personal Legend is a person's only real obligation. All things are one. And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.”
“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”
“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.”
“Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience.”
“I think that perhaps we always fall in love the very first time we see the man of our dreams, even though, at the time, reason may be telling otherwise, and we may fight against that instinct, hoping against hope that we won't win, until there comes a point when we allow ourselves to be vanquished by our feelings...”
“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream.”
“I think that when we look for love courageously, it reveals itself, and we wind up attracting even more love. If one person really wants us, everyone does. But if we're alone, we become even more alone. Life is strange.”
“You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen.”
“Everything that happens once can never happen again. But everything that happens twice will surely happen a third time.”
“The moment of that kiss contained every happy moment I had ever lived.”
“The wise are wise only because they love. The fool are fools only because they think they can understand love.”
“One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.”
“Pitiful is the person who is afraid of taking risks. Perhaps this person will never be disappointed or disillusioned; perhaps she won't suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow. But when the person looks back-she will hear her heart”
“Love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere.”
“You drown not by falling into a river, but by staying submerged in it.”
“You can become blind by seeing each day as a similar one. Each day is a different one, each day brings a miracle of its own. It's just a matter of paying attention to this miracle.”
“But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for.”
“Every blessing ignored becomes a curse”
“No one can lie, no one can hide anything, when he looks directly into someone's eyes.”
"Why do we have to listen to our hearts?" "Because, wherever your heart is, that is where you'll find your treasure."
"Freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability to choose--and commit myself to--what is best for me."
"We all have the ability…we just don't all have the courage to follow our dreams and to follow the signs."
"We wouldn't worry nearly as much about what others thought of us if we recognize how seldom they do."
"Join with those who sing songs, tell stories, enjoy life … because happiness is contagious. Join those who walk with their heads high even when they have tears in their eyes. Avoid those who … have never shed a tear..."
Damn, I love this man.
“The Soul of the World is nourished by people's happiness. And also by unhappiness, envy, and jealousy. To realize one's Personal Legend is a person's only real obligation. All things are one. And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.”
“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”
“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.”
“Be brave. Take risks. Nothing can substitute experience.”
“I think that perhaps we always fall in love the very first time we see the man of our dreams, even though, at the time, reason may be telling otherwise, and we may fight against that instinct, hoping against hope that we won't win, until there comes a point when we allow ourselves to be vanquished by our feelings...”
“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream.”
“I think that when we look for love courageously, it reveals itself, and we wind up attracting even more love. If one person really wants us, everyone does. But if we're alone, we become even more alone. Life is strange.”
“You have to take risks. We will only understand the miracle of life fully when we allow the unexpected to happen.”
“Everything that happens once can never happen again. But everything that happens twice will surely happen a third time.”
“The moment of that kiss contained every happy moment I had ever lived.”
“The wise are wise only because they love. The fool are fools only because they think they can understand love.”
“One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.”
“Pitiful is the person who is afraid of taking risks. Perhaps this person will never be disappointed or disillusioned; perhaps she won't suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow. But when the person looks back-she will hear her heart”
“Love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere.”
“You drown not by falling into a river, but by staying submerged in it.”
“You can become blind by seeing each day as a similar one. Each day is a different one, each day brings a miracle of its own. It's just a matter of paying attention to this miracle.”
“But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for.”
“Every blessing ignored becomes a curse”
“No one can lie, no one can hide anything, when he looks directly into someone's eyes.”
"Why do we have to listen to our hearts?" "Because, wherever your heart is, that is where you'll find your treasure."
"Freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability to choose--and commit myself to--what is best for me."
"We all have the ability…we just don't all have the courage to follow our dreams and to follow the signs."
"We wouldn't worry nearly as much about what others thought of us if we recognize how seldom they do."
"Join with those who sing songs, tell stories, enjoy life … because happiness is contagious. Join those who walk with their heads high even when they have tears in their eyes. Avoid those who … have never shed a tear..."
Damn, I love this man.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Self-smacking
Okay.
I know I've been unhappy to a point where friends start worrying about me. Really worrying. But let's put things into perspective, yah.
Unhappy
-Men (or the lack thereof)
-Being sick all the time
Happy
-When I meet people I know and I can smile and chat with them
-When I hang out in the ultra modern, airy, huge Information Commons using and abusing its facilities
-When I shop, make and eat good food
-Grocery shop!
-Watching people being stupid drunk on West Street any given night of the week
-Being here, halfway across the world
-New experiences, sights and sensations
-Traveling up and down this great cold country
-The friends I've made
-The friends I still have and will have for many years and many more years to come
-The person I'm learning to be
-Being broke = finding alternatives
-Ending the day knowing I've been a little productive
-Snapping photos and seeing how great they turn out to be
-Snapping photos and lamenting over the dud ones
-When my friends made me food and hand-delivered it to me, and text me to ensure I'm still alive
-When I text my flatmate and he came to my rescue
-When I feel better and the world feels round again
-Seeing people hold hands, all the love I'm surrounded by
-Knowing in the end I have a home and people I love to turn to
Yeah....why am I unhappy again? Me being human meant I've let the bad things overshadow the rest of the (many) good ones. All these good aspects of my life, I don't think I have a right to be unhappy at all.
So, going to give myself one hard smack and snap out of it.
Thank you guys for loving me, you know who you are.
I know I've been unhappy to a point where friends start worrying about me. Really worrying. But let's put things into perspective, yah.
Unhappy
-Men (or the lack thereof)
-Being sick all the time
Happy
-When I meet people I know and I can smile and chat with them
-When I hang out in the ultra modern, airy, huge Information Commons using and abusing its facilities
-When I shop, make and eat good food
-Grocery shop!
-Watching people being stupid drunk on West Street any given night of the week
-Being here, halfway across the world
-New experiences, sights and sensations
-Traveling up and down this great cold country
-The friends I've made
-The friends I still have and will have for many years and many more years to come
-The person I'm learning to be
-Being broke = finding alternatives
-Ending the day knowing I've been a little productive
-Snapping photos and seeing how great they turn out to be
-Snapping photos and lamenting over the dud ones
-When my friends made me food and hand-delivered it to me, and text me to ensure I'm still alive
-When I text my flatmate and he came to my rescue
-When I feel better and the world feels round again
-Seeing people hold hands, all the love I'm surrounded by
-Knowing in the end I have a home and people I love to turn to
Yeah....why am I unhappy again? Me being human meant I've let the bad things overshadow the rest of the (many) good ones. All these good aspects of my life, I don't think I have a right to be unhappy at all.
So, going to give myself one hard smack and snap out of it.
Thank you guys for loving me, you know who you are.
Thursday, January 08, 2009
Health-(un)wise
I've never had to think so much about my body and health til I came to this blasted, freezing country.
-Bouts of horrid, shiver-inducing, sweat-drenching feverish, hacking, sniffling colds once every 2-3 weeks fucking up my immune system royally
-Gastric pain requiring me to run around asking if people have Antacid at home (maybe I should start carrying some)
-Really really cranky (as in I lose temper and snap at people, literally) and not being able to focus if I uh well, miss a meal or don't eat at proper hours
-Wonky cycles
-Random nosebleeds
-Low energy levels
Okay. Time to get my 22-year old healthy body and immune system back!
-Bouts of horrid, shiver-inducing, sweat-drenching feverish, hacking, sniffling colds once every 2-3 weeks fucking up my immune system royally
-Gastric pain requiring me to run around asking if people have Antacid at home (maybe I should start carrying some)
-Really really cranky (as in I lose temper and snap at people, literally) and not being able to focus if I uh well, miss a meal or don't eat at proper hours
-Wonky cycles
-Random nosebleeds
-Low energy levels
Okay. Time to get my 22-year old healthy body and immune system back!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
2008 - year that was
So, strangely, I feel like I'm being dragged across the 2008-2009 bridge without conscious thoughts, like most things I've been doing these days. One day fade to another, one face melt into another and that's how time pass me by. Also, this sensation of transient, temporary state of being, this non-permanency is not anchoring me, and I feel like I'm floating aimlessly. Eeps, for someone looking for answers, perhaps its the best way to go, the whole reason for me to uproot myself and come here, isn't it? That pursuit for something, I know not what anymore.
Very solid concepts also lost its meaning to me, like a day, a month, a year...how will tomorrow be different from today? Dates and months will change, the year will change. And I'm still here. Unchanged? Who and what do I talk with anymore? Even the things that mattered to me are not the same anymore. I've been too willing to not care about things I thought mattered, and too stubborn about other things that shouldn't matter at all. Always that sneaking suspicion that I'm not very likable, lovable or understandable at all. Like I'm faulty, a paradox, and should be traded in for undamaged person - but - that's a stupid way of thinking. I actually ran across a profile full of cliched lines like "Be kinder than necessary, because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle" and that made me think that there's a grain of truth in there.
I'm going to steal and chuck the whole thing here:
1. There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we cant live without but have to let go.
2. IT'S SAD WHEN..
someone you know becomes someone you knew
when you can walk right past them
like they were never a big part of your life
how you used to be able to talk for hours
and how now you can barely
even look at them
3. Life is short,
Break the rules,
Forgive quickly,
Kiss slowly,
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably,
And never regret anything that once made you smile
4. It's true that we don't know what we've got until it's gone but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
We're all allowed to be sentimental fools once in a while, and right now its my moment.
Well, 2008 has been as eventful as the last. Marks a lot more significance in my life than I care to list here, but its a year of milestone upon milestone.
- Year I learned about friends, friendship and loyalty.
- Year I learned most people are, well, not to be trusted with too much.
- Year I loved and lost...or was that lost and loved? Not that it mattered anymore.
- Year I graduated.
- Year I left home and ran away across the world.
- Year I learned how trying it is working with a best friend and a person I despise all at once.
- Year I go to grad school.
- Year I go through life not too worried about how I look like, because now it shouldn't matter anymore.
- Year I learned most men are arseholes (heh, we know that's true)
- Year I met a lot more people from everywhere, and learning how very alike we all are, despite the differences.
- Year I laughed and cried a whole lot more with the people I love and cherish.
There's others...but I guess what really matters is that its been another learning year, and while it wasn't all happy and dandy, its all been an experimental year of experiences. Have I got a resolution for 2009? Well, the same old things - learn more, laugh more, live life and remember to be a better person.
*Wipes the dust of 2008 off*
Hey ho 2009.
Very solid concepts also lost its meaning to me, like a day, a month, a year...how will tomorrow be different from today? Dates and months will change, the year will change. And I'm still here. Unchanged? Who and what do I talk with anymore? Even the things that mattered to me are not the same anymore. I've been too willing to not care about things I thought mattered, and too stubborn about other things that shouldn't matter at all. Always that sneaking suspicion that I'm not very likable, lovable or understandable at all. Like I'm faulty, a paradox, and should be traded in for undamaged person - but - that's a stupid way of thinking. I actually ran across a profile full of cliched lines like "Be kinder than necessary, because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle" and that made me think that there's a grain of truth in there.
I'm going to steal and chuck the whole thing here:
1. There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we cant live without but have to let go.
2. IT'S SAD WHEN..
someone you know becomes someone you knew
when you can walk right past them
like they were never a big part of your life
how you used to be able to talk for hours
and how now you can barely
even look at them
3. Life is short,
Break the rules,
Forgive quickly,
Kiss slowly,
Love truly,
Laugh uncontrollably,
And never regret anything that once made you smile
4. It's true that we don't know what we've got until it's gone but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
We're all allowed to be sentimental fools once in a while, and right now its my moment.
Well, 2008 has been as eventful as the last. Marks a lot more significance in my life than I care to list here, but its a year of milestone upon milestone.
- Year I learned about friends, friendship and loyalty.
- Year I learned most people are, well, not to be trusted with too much.
- Year I loved and lost...or was that lost and loved? Not that it mattered anymore.
- Year I graduated.
- Year I left home and ran away across the world.
- Year I learned how trying it is working with a best friend and a person I despise all at once.
- Year I go to grad school.
- Year I go through life not too worried about how I look like, because now it shouldn't matter anymore.
- Year I learned most men are arseholes (heh, we know that's true)
- Year I met a lot more people from everywhere, and learning how very alike we all are, despite the differences.
- Year I laughed and cried a whole lot more with the people I love and cherish.
There's others...but I guess what really matters is that its been another learning year, and while it wasn't all happy and dandy, its all been an experimental year of experiences. Have I got a resolution for 2009? Well, the same old things - learn more, laugh more, live life and remember to be a better person.
*Wipes the dust of 2008 off*
Hey ho 2009.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Love Actually
I actually wrote this on a piece of scrap because its the middle of the night and I can't log into Phan Shean's 'puter. Am in Newcastle 'celebrating' Christmas with the fella, roasted a small turkey even. Weekend before Christmas I was in town on the way home, it was 2am and the party revelers were outside, all drunk and merry, none of the walking in a straight line, it felt so eerie. It was like walking a dead city, shops closed with only the lights on, and walking zombies stumbling slightly on the uneven cobbled roads.
Anyway, the title does refer to the movie, which I watch alone last night, Shean leaving me 1/3 of the way in because in his words, can't really see a point to the movie and it's pretty much hit-and-miss. Its about various kinds of love and its many betrayals - there's the widowed man and his-very-much-in-love-with-girl-in-his-grade 6-year old stepson, a bored, roving husband, a bloke in love with the woman who married his best mate, a working class girl falling in love with the PM, a blossoming love between two people despite language barriers, an ugly fooker whose life mission is to look for quick and many many shags, and people falling in love despite the most awkward of circumstances.
We all know people in various stages of that. On the way in and out of love. Maybe you're in one of those yourself. Love remains the biggest, most elusive mystery the human race is plagued with. What is this thing really. All the self-help books in bookstores teaching us all to how to present ourselves, how to date, how to maintain relationships, how to get over breakups. People live and die for it. It's many a splendoured thing; it is the purest of pain. The millions of songs, movies and human expression dedicated to love, to recognise, celebrate and mourn it.
It seems ridiculous, really.
But I am a cynic, and in a short time, learnt to be cold about it. Nothing like have loved and lost to make a person wary. And nothing like knowing a person can like me but do nothing to endear himself to me and expects me to still be there, that selfish kind. So I come to a point where I am indifferent. Not like I don't get excited, or that I don't fall for someone but it takes a lot more. And I'll always hold back in case he walks away again. That way I don't get as hurt anymore. That way I can walk off another episode unscathed. So it's not a lack of enthusiasm. Its self-preservation. I need that. Don't get me wrong. There are many decent men. I cannot pretend to deny that. There will always be happy couples, there will always be boy-meet-girl and fall-for-each-other. Maybe not for me, not this time. Not for a while yet. Somewhere along the lines, I stopped thinking the problem is me. Somehow, I know its just fate and not something that is within my control. Got to let go. Who knows, I spent too much time on it already. Enough. There's other things in my life to take care of.
Also, there are life's needs and life's wants. Love is a want. The needs...? If I really really need to, they're pretty bloody easy to fulfill. But I still like bit of a challenge. Pick and choose. But I get used to not having anyone sticking around. Fine, fine. Normally I don't think twice about my choices. Tis a woman's prerogative, as they say. But...
Call it a narcissistic moment. Pivotal. Just something I want to note, almost.
I might regret this one.
Anyway, the title does refer to the movie, which I watch alone last night, Shean leaving me 1/3 of the way in because in his words, can't really see a point to the movie and it's pretty much hit-and-miss. Its about various kinds of love and its many betrayals - there's the widowed man and his-very-much-in-love-with-girl-in-his-grade 6-year old stepson, a bored, roving husband, a bloke in love with the woman who married his best mate, a working class girl falling in love with the PM, a blossoming love between two people despite language barriers, an ugly fooker whose life mission is to look for quick and many many shags, and people falling in love despite the most awkward of circumstances.
We all know people in various stages of that. On the way in and out of love. Maybe you're in one of those yourself. Love remains the biggest, most elusive mystery the human race is plagued with. What is this thing really. All the self-help books in bookstores teaching us all to how to present ourselves, how to date, how to maintain relationships, how to get over breakups. People live and die for it. It's many a splendoured thing; it is the purest of pain. The millions of songs, movies and human expression dedicated to love, to recognise, celebrate and mourn it.
It seems ridiculous, really.
But I am a cynic, and in a short time, learnt to be cold about it. Nothing like have loved and lost to make a person wary. And nothing like knowing a person can like me but do nothing to endear himself to me and expects me to still be there, that selfish kind. So I come to a point where I am indifferent. Not like I don't get excited, or that I don't fall for someone but it takes a lot more. And I'll always hold back in case he walks away again. That way I don't get as hurt anymore. That way I can walk off another episode unscathed. So it's not a lack of enthusiasm. Its self-preservation. I need that. Don't get me wrong. There are many decent men. I cannot pretend to deny that. There will always be happy couples, there will always be boy-meet-girl and fall-for-each-other. Maybe not for me, not this time. Not for a while yet. Somewhere along the lines, I stopped thinking the problem is me. Somehow, I know its just fate and not something that is within my control. Got to let go. Who knows, I spent too much time on it already. Enough. There's other things in my life to take care of.
Also, there are life's needs and life's wants. Love is a want. The needs...? If I really really need to, they're pretty bloody easy to fulfill. But I still like bit of a challenge. Pick and choose. But I get used to not having anyone sticking around. Fine, fine. Normally I don't think twice about my choices. Tis a woman's prerogative, as they say. But...
Call it a narcissistic moment. Pivotal. Just something I want to note, almost.
I might regret this one.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Fears
If people were to ask me if I have a fear....I might say I don't know.
But I do, and it's a silly one.
Doorknobs.
I'm always afraid I'll get electrocuted (metal knobs = amazing conductors) and that's the legacy of my old uni. We always play a game of chance, tapping the knob with the tip of our fingers before withdrawing quickly and hoping we don't get that painful jolt whenever we have to open doors. And I found I do that here too. I'm aware it's a psychological thing, the whole 'once bitten twice shy' saying. So if anyone noticed me tapping knobs before opening doors (though people won't) there you go, I have a perfect explanation.
Same with other things in life, we all had painful experiences, learn from them, and learn to avoid them.
But I do, and it's a silly one.
Doorknobs.
I'm always afraid I'll get electrocuted (metal knobs = amazing conductors) and that's the legacy of my old uni. We always play a game of chance, tapping the knob with the tip of our fingers before withdrawing quickly and hoping we don't get that painful jolt whenever we have to open doors. And I found I do that here too. I'm aware it's a psychological thing, the whole 'once bitten twice shy' saying. So if anyone noticed me tapping knobs before opening doors (though people won't) there you go, I have a perfect explanation.
Same with other things in life, we all had painful experiences, learn from them, and learn to avoid them.
Monday, December 01, 2008
Brilliant piece of forwarded snark
----- Forwarded Message ----
From:
To:
Sent: Wednesday, November 26, 2008 9:23:15 AM
Subject: FW: Fatwa-fatwa yang akan datang - Please read
Makin hari umat Islam makin ditindas dan dikongkong. Bukan oleh orang Cina, atau orang India atau orang Yahudi atau orang Kristian. Tetapi dianiya dan dikongkong oleh orang Islam/Melayu sendiri. Please read on.
Selepas fatwa pengharaman yoga, fatwa-fatwa yang akan datang adalah seperti berikut :
Disember 2008
Orang Islam dilarang mandi di kolam renang awam. Di kolam renang awam, akan terdapat orang-orang yang bukan Islam yang memakai pakaian renang yang singkat dan mendedahkan aurat (terutamanya amoi-amoi china yang cun dan seksi). Ini boleh menjejaskan akidah orang Islam. Cara yang paling baik ialah kita haramkan orang Islam dari kolam renang awam.
Januari 2009
Orang Islam dilarang pergi ke Pulau Pinang. Ketua Menteri Pulau Pinang adalah seorang yang bukan Islam and majoriti penduduk Pulau Pinang adalah orang yang bukan Islam. Apabila seorang Islam berada di Pulau Pinang , beliau mungkin terhidu bau char keoy tiaw yang dimasak oleh orang bukan Islam dan ini boleh merosakkan akidah kita. Cara yang paling baik ialah kita haramkan orang Islam dari pergi ke Pulau Pinang. Orang Islam yang kini tinggal di Pulau Pinang akan diberi elaun pindah sebanyak RM 3000 untuk membantu mereka berpindah ke negeri-negeri yang lain. Perpindahan ke negeri Kelantan dan Terengganu amat amat digalakkan.
Februari 2009
Orang Islam dilarang meminum root beer. Walaupun root beer tidak mengandungi alkohol, namun perkataan "beer" ini boleh menimbulkan keghairan dan kelakuan tidak senonoh di kalangan orang Islam. Dengan pengharaman root beer, orang Islam bolehlah meminum minuman ringan yang lain tanpa was-was. Ginger beer juga diharamkan.
March 2009
Orang Islam dilarang memakan di kedai Mamak. Walaupun mamak kebanyakkannya Islam, tetapi asal usul mereka adalah India dan ada kemungkinan terdapat unsur-unsur India di dalam perniagaan mereka seperti bercakap Tamil dan memakai seluar dalam buatan India . Untuk mengelakkan sebarang syak wasangka, mulai 1 Mac 2009, orang Islam dilarang dari memakan di kedai mamak (kecuali Tun Mahatir kerana dia sendiri mamak kelas I)
April 2009
Orang Islam dilarang bermain ping pong atau table tennis. Ping pong berasal dari negeri China dan oleh yang demikian, mungkin terdapat unsur-unsur agama Buddha atau Confuciusism di dalam permainan ping pong. Ornag Islam yang terlalu banyak bermain ping pong akan terjejas akidah mereka. Sebagai permainan alternatif, orang Islam digalakkan bermain sepak raga (tetapi bola raga mesti buatan Malaysia , bukan dari Thailand ).
Mei 2009
Orang Islam yang berkerja dengan kerajaan dilarang mengambil gaji masing-masing. Ini kerana sebahagian besar pendapatan kerajaan adalah cukai pendapatan yang dibayar oleh syarikat-syarikat orang bukan Islam. Orang Islam digalakkan meminta sedekah dari orang Islam yang lain. Untuk memudahkan permintaan sedekah, bakal peminta sedekah digalakkan mencangkung di hadapan bangunan UMNO.
Jun 2009
Orang Islam dilarang keluar negara. Terdapat terlalu banyak godaan yang boleh meruntuhkan akhlak dan akidah orang Islam. Perkara ini telahpun dikaji dengan teliti hasil lawatan sambil belajar ke Bangkok oleh Majlis Fatwa Kebangsaan baru-baru ini. Oleh yang demikian, orang orang Islam diminta menyerahkan balik paspot masing-masing ke jabatan immigresen secepat mungkin. Perjalanan keluar negara hanya dibenarkan untuk menteri-menteri dan orang kuat UMNO sahaja, itupun hanya jika diiringi oleh ahli Majlis Fatwa Kebangsaan.
Julai 2009
Orang Islam dilarang berfikir di waktu siang. Kebanyakkan masalah jenayah dan maksiat wujud kerana orang-orang yang tak ada kerja berfikir yang bukan-bukan. Untuk membenteras maslah jeneyah dan maksiat, orang-orang Islam mulai 1 Julai 2009, dilarang dari menggunakan otak mereka diwaktu siang. Pemikiran mereka akan dipantau oleh Majlis Fatwa Kebangsaan dengan menggunakan sekumpulan specially trained monkeys. Orang Islam boleh menggunakan otak mereka di waktu malam tetapi pemikiran dihadkan kepada perkara-perkara berkaitan dengan makan dan minum sahaja.
Please do not laugh. Many of the above will become a reality if we do not do anything. The rational-thinking muslims in this country are simply not doing anything. We let a very small minority of narrow-minded idiots to control our lives. We, especially the Malay muslims, are fast becoming a laughing stock worldwide. We are obsessed with the little little things.
When there are so many important things remain to be done, why must the Fatwa folks spend their time on little things.. tomboys, yoga, etc, etc. Why don't we ever hear anything from the Fatwa folks for social justice, eradicating corruption and poverty, protecting single mothers, helping the poors, educating the ummah, protecting the environment or ensuring fairness in society.
If you are a rationale, forward thinking muslim, please speak up. If you choose to remain silent, it only means that you agree with whatever is happening. And do not blame the non-muslims for all our troubles. We are asking for it.
Bukhari Hood
Shah Alam
From:
To:
Sent: Wednesday, November 26, 2008 9:23:15 AM
Subject: FW: Fatwa-fatwa yang akan datang - Please read
Makin hari umat Islam makin ditindas dan dikongkong. Bukan oleh orang Cina, atau orang India atau orang Yahudi atau orang Kristian. Tetapi dianiya dan dikongkong oleh orang Islam/Melayu sendiri. Please read on.
Selepas fatwa pengharaman yoga, fatwa-fatwa yang akan datang adalah seperti berikut :
Disember 2008
Orang Islam dilarang mandi di kolam renang awam. Di kolam renang awam, akan terdapat orang-orang yang bukan Islam yang memakai pakaian renang yang singkat dan mendedahkan aurat (terutamanya amoi-amoi china yang cun dan seksi). Ini boleh menjejaskan akidah orang Islam. Cara yang paling baik ialah kita haramkan orang Islam dari kolam renang awam.
Januari 2009
Orang Islam dilarang pergi ke Pulau Pinang. Ketua Menteri Pulau Pinang adalah seorang yang bukan Islam and majoriti penduduk Pulau Pinang adalah orang yang bukan Islam. Apabila seorang Islam berada di Pulau Pinang , beliau mungkin terhidu bau char keoy tiaw yang dimasak oleh orang bukan Islam dan ini boleh merosakkan akidah kita. Cara yang paling baik ialah kita haramkan orang Islam dari pergi ke Pulau Pinang. Orang Islam yang kini tinggal di Pulau Pinang akan diberi elaun pindah sebanyak RM 3000 untuk membantu mereka berpindah ke negeri-negeri yang lain. Perpindahan ke negeri Kelantan dan Terengganu amat amat digalakkan.
Februari 2009
Orang Islam dilarang meminum root beer. Walaupun root beer tidak mengandungi alkohol, namun perkataan "beer" ini boleh menimbulkan keghairan dan kelakuan tidak senonoh di kalangan orang Islam. Dengan pengharaman root beer, orang Islam bolehlah meminum minuman ringan yang lain tanpa was-was. Ginger beer juga diharamkan.
March 2009
Orang Islam dilarang memakan di kedai Mamak. Walaupun mamak kebanyakkannya Islam, tetapi asal usul mereka adalah India dan ada kemungkinan terdapat unsur-unsur India di dalam perniagaan mereka seperti bercakap Tamil dan memakai seluar dalam buatan India . Untuk mengelakkan sebarang syak wasangka, mulai 1 Mac 2009, orang Islam dilarang dari memakan di kedai mamak (kecuali Tun Mahatir kerana dia sendiri mamak kelas I)
April 2009
Orang Islam dilarang bermain ping pong atau table tennis. Ping pong berasal dari negeri China dan oleh yang demikian, mungkin terdapat unsur-unsur agama Buddha atau Confuciusism di dalam permainan ping pong. Ornag Islam yang terlalu banyak bermain ping pong akan terjejas akidah mereka. Sebagai permainan alternatif, orang Islam digalakkan bermain sepak raga (tetapi bola raga mesti buatan Malaysia , bukan dari Thailand ).
Mei 2009
Orang Islam yang berkerja dengan kerajaan dilarang mengambil gaji masing-masing. Ini kerana sebahagian besar pendapatan kerajaan adalah cukai pendapatan yang dibayar oleh syarikat-syarikat orang bukan Islam. Orang Islam digalakkan meminta sedekah dari orang Islam yang lain. Untuk memudahkan permintaan sedekah, bakal peminta sedekah digalakkan mencangkung di hadapan bangunan UMNO.
Jun 2009
Orang Islam dilarang keluar negara. Terdapat terlalu banyak godaan yang boleh meruntuhkan akhlak dan akidah orang Islam. Perkara ini telahpun dikaji dengan teliti hasil lawatan sambil belajar ke Bangkok oleh Majlis Fatwa Kebangsaan baru-baru ini. Oleh yang demikian, orang orang Islam diminta menyerahkan balik paspot masing-masing ke jabatan immigresen secepat mungkin. Perjalanan keluar negara hanya dibenarkan untuk menteri-menteri dan orang kuat UMNO sahaja, itupun hanya jika diiringi oleh ahli Majlis Fatwa Kebangsaan.
Julai 2009
Orang Islam dilarang berfikir di waktu siang. Kebanyakkan masalah jenayah dan maksiat wujud kerana orang-orang yang tak ada kerja berfikir yang bukan-bukan. Untuk membenteras maslah jeneyah dan maksiat, orang-orang Islam mulai 1 Julai 2009, dilarang dari menggunakan otak mereka diwaktu siang. Pemikiran mereka akan dipantau oleh Majlis Fatwa Kebangsaan dengan menggunakan sekumpulan specially trained monkeys. Orang Islam boleh menggunakan otak mereka di waktu malam tetapi pemikiran dihadkan kepada perkara-perkara berkaitan dengan makan dan minum sahaja.
Please do not laugh. Many of the above will become a reality if we do not do anything. The rational-thinking muslims in this country are simply not doing anything. We let a very small minority of narrow-minded idiots to control our lives. We, especially the Malay muslims, are fast becoming a laughing stock worldwide. We are obsessed with the little little things.
When there are so many important things remain to be done, why must the Fatwa folks spend their time on little things.. tomboys, yoga, etc, etc. Why don't we ever hear anything from the Fatwa folks for social justice, eradicating corruption and poverty, protecting single mothers, helping the poors, educating the ummah, protecting the environment or ensuring fairness in society.
If you are a rationale, forward thinking muslim, please speak up. If you choose to remain silent, it only means that you agree with whatever is happening. And do not blame the non-muslims for all our troubles. We are asking for it.
Bukhari Hood
Shah Alam
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Short thought on human rights
I've been writing an essay on human rights, and just been intrigued by this:
Different societies and states value different kinds of rights. There are essentially two divisions:
a) Civil and political rights
b) Economic and social rights
They are ALL basic rights, and interlinked, inalienable and indivisible. Yet, no one single state had came to provide all for their citizens.
The United States of America value civil and political rights. Very much. Free speech and the right to vote for them first. Neo-liberalism ideas, the very epitome of freedom. Their people also do not have access nor rights to universal healthcare, nor education. The poor are blamed for being poor. The premise is: You have to work to receive. Welfare states are pooh-poohed. The downtrodden depend very much on charities and foundations for their needs. Tax money goes towards 'free' causes. Like, you know, wars? Also, to institutions like IMF and World Bank so that they have the biggest say. And...yet. One in ten...that's one in TEN, y'all! is living in poverty in United States. Poverty isn't just a problem in the developing and undeveloped world.
Zoom onwards to socialist and developing countries, and to a certain degree, United Kingdom. Economic and social rights reign. Universal healthcare and education for all. Limited free speech. Job security, pensions. In other words, all your basic needs are met. But I reiterate, your speech is limited, you have no right to carry guns (is that really a big issue?) but, it doesn't mean a complete blackout in political rights or free speech. You just need to pick the right apples. Filling the stomach is more important. Now, there have been outrage about the seemingly lack of political and civil rights in other countries. And there are studies saying people from say, China and Singapore do not have too much problem with that. Hmm. There should be censorship of sorts - in one source, a Singaporean was quoted as saying:
Two things really:
1. Civil and political rights are free to provide. In other words, the United States need not allocate any budget at all towards the provision of those rights for its citizens. Other countries spend gazilion bazillion on providing economic and social rights for their people.
To me, every unfortunate working person is taxed, no matter where they call home. What their tax money is used for...that is the difference. Starting to see something here?
2. Matt Bishop said this in class, and I don't remember the exact thing he said, so I paraphrase:
"What do you get with free speech and no food?"
"Silence."
Food for thought.
I can't believe I'm still thinking about this after submitting my essays. I may have oversimplified this though, so don't shoot me down for it (especially if you're American!).
Also, if you have the time, go here:
Different societies and states value different kinds of rights. There are essentially two divisions:
a) Civil and political rights
b) Economic and social rights
They are ALL basic rights, and interlinked, inalienable and indivisible. Yet, no one single state had came to provide all for their citizens.
The United States of America value civil and political rights. Very much. Free speech and the right to vote for them first. Neo-liberalism ideas, the very epitome of freedom. Their people also do not have access nor rights to universal healthcare, nor education. The poor are blamed for being poor. The premise is: You have to work to receive. Welfare states are pooh-poohed. The downtrodden depend very much on charities and foundations for their needs. Tax money goes towards 'free' causes. Like, you know, wars? Also, to institutions like IMF and World Bank so that they have the biggest say. And...yet. One in ten...that's one in TEN, y'all! is living in poverty in United States. Poverty isn't just a problem in the developing and undeveloped world.
Zoom onwards to socialist and developing countries, and to a certain degree, United Kingdom. Economic and social rights reign. Universal healthcare and education for all. Limited free speech. Job security, pensions. In other words, all your basic needs are met. But I reiterate, your speech is limited, you have no right to carry guns (is that really a big issue?) but, it doesn't mean a complete blackout in political rights or free speech. You just need to pick the right apples. Filling the stomach is more important. Now, there have been outrage about the seemingly lack of political and civil rights in other countries. And there are studies saying people from say, China and Singapore do not have too much problem with that. Hmm. There should be censorship of sorts - in one source, a Singaporean was quoted as saying:
"I think that total freedom of speech might bother me more. I know that's the wrong kind of thing to say to you isn't it? But you read about total freedom of speech and how people can't stop - people in America for instance can't stop people getting up big rallies with the neo-fascists and holocaust deniers and anti abortionists and anti-gay movements. And you can't stop these people from saying things and sending out hate mail because they have freedom of speech. They are protected. And that I find more scary".
Two things really:
1. Civil and political rights are free to provide. In other words, the United States need not allocate any budget at all towards the provision of those rights for its citizens. Other countries spend gazilion bazillion on providing economic and social rights for their people.
To me, every unfortunate working person is taxed, no matter where they call home. What their tax money is used for...that is the difference. Starting to see something here?
2. Matt Bishop said this in class, and I don't remember the exact thing he said, so I paraphrase:
"What do you get with free speech and no food?"
"Silence."
Food for thought.
I can't believe I'm still thinking about this after submitting my essays. I may have oversimplified this though, so don't shoot me down for it (especially if you're American!).
Also, if you have the time, go here:
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Another day, another time
I'm starting to lose count of the days I've been here, and that's good because I'm still loving it here. Trying to get into the rhythm of things still, its kind of tough when people spoke in different accents about things I never knew about. Imagine a two-hour seminar on WTO and the IMF. And then compare the IMF with the World Bank. And then talk about trade unions, multilateral agreements and export tariffs. There you have a very lost Puiyee. Add on that post-structuralism critics on development, plus realist and cosmopolitan views on state relations. Then ponder on why some rights are inherent and inalienable, and how natural rights came to be and how they evolve, according to John Locke, into human rights belonging to all of us which are not to be traded, sold, exchanged or given up. How political and civil rights are more important than social and economic rights, and what kinds of rights and duty one should have for all of humanity. Those are the things I learn about these days. I don't think my days in UTAR prepared me for this. This is really challenging, really something else. Really a good way to appear stupid, and l feel *stupid* most of the time.
Apart from that, life is good, I think. I've traded cheap movies, mamak sessions, close friends and haircuts, and oh, TV, for nights out in pubs, shiatsu lessons and staying in the library. Meeting people I'd never dream of meeting. Some of the feeling of that lack of adventure and opportunity's faded already just by merit of that. Others...
I'm still here seeking some answers to questions I've never solidly formulated in my mind. Strange as it seems, on a couple of long phone calls with a stranger, I get to ask again, and answer again on things that matter in the end. Religion, pursuit of happiness and the notion of success. It is true we're all here to seek our happiness. And not in the traditional sense...I suppose one could use the word fulfilment too. Their life's mission, their calling, doing what that will fill their soul and purpose on Earth. Perhaps this is all a fallacy, that in the end we're all just seeking for love, simple as that. Or perhaps for some people, money is more important, and yet others, its power. Me? I am just looking for somewhere I belong. Doing something I know I will want to spend the rest of my life doing. I'm still looking, evidently.
As for religion, Mr Anonymous asked, if indeed there is God, then why do people pray to different 'Gods' by mere geographical differences. Personally, I think organised religion is just a way for people to feel like they belong to a group. Performing rituals that seemed ridiculous to us but are unquestionable to them gives them that 'specialness' that the rest of the world do not have. Also its a great way to fundraise and abuse powers in the name of God, but that's another story. But I think people want to believe in a greater power, in mother nature, forces of earth, destiny, providence, fate....because they need to have faith. They need an excuse and a reason, something to put their fingers on when something extremely good or bad befall them. And the faith to move on from it. Something to anchor them down, to buoy them and to lift them up. Hence...God. Not everyone believes in a great being booming down on humanity telling them how to believe. Perhaps its a whisper in the wind, shapeless, formless...we all form deeply personal, private thoughts, images and memories of all things, including God. I absolutely loathe people who asked me about my God. That's my personal relationship with powers greater than me. Sometimes, I want to stop when the Mormons here chase after me and tell them that I've gone through shit without needing their God and when life is good now, all the less reason to believe in their beliefs. Not receiving and donating blood? You know what? I believe in karma. Just by donating what I can, I hope someday when I need it, I'll receive too. Faith, again.
I would never dismiss religion as bullshit, just as I'd never dismiss politics as dirty donkey shit. But it is worth a look on why people believe in what they do, unquestionably, on why people leave their beliefs and form new ones, and on why people do not believe in religion to begin with. Did development, modernisation and urbanisation contribute to urban decay? (Do elephants have trunks?) Are people colder, more superficial and realistic? (Is China part of Asia?)
Does it mean we lose faith, join the rat race, be part of that neverending drumbeat to dull concrete fog of life?
Are there still those among us asking and questioning, seeking some answers?
You tell me.
Apart from that, life is good, I think. I've traded cheap movies, mamak sessions, close friends and haircuts, and oh, TV, for nights out in pubs, shiatsu lessons and staying in the library. Meeting people I'd never dream of meeting. Some of the feeling of that lack of adventure and opportunity's faded already just by merit of that. Others...
I'm still here seeking some answers to questions I've never solidly formulated in my mind. Strange as it seems, on a couple of long phone calls with a stranger, I get to ask again, and answer again on things that matter in the end. Religion, pursuit of happiness and the notion of success. It is true we're all here to seek our happiness. And not in the traditional sense...I suppose one could use the word fulfilment too. Their life's mission, their calling, doing what that will fill their soul and purpose on Earth. Perhaps this is all a fallacy, that in the end we're all just seeking for love, simple as that. Or perhaps for some people, money is more important, and yet others, its power. Me? I am just looking for somewhere I belong. Doing something I know I will want to spend the rest of my life doing. I'm still looking, evidently.
As for religion, Mr Anonymous asked, if indeed there is God, then why do people pray to different 'Gods' by mere geographical differences. Personally, I think organised religion is just a way for people to feel like they belong to a group. Performing rituals that seemed ridiculous to us but are unquestionable to them gives them that 'specialness' that the rest of the world do not have. Also its a great way to fundraise and abuse powers in the name of God, but that's another story. But I think people want to believe in a greater power, in mother nature, forces of earth, destiny, providence, fate....because they need to have faith. They need an excuse and a reason, something to put their fingers on when something extremely good or bad befall them. And the faith to move on from it. Something to anchor them down, to buoy them and to lift them up. Hence...God. Not everyone believes in a great being booming down on humanity telling them how to believe. Perhaps its a whisper in the wind, shapeless, formless...we all form deeply personal, private thoughts, images and memories of all things, including God. I absolutely loathe people who asked me about my God. That's my personal relationship with powers greater than me. Sometimes, I want to stop when the Mormons here chase after me and tell them that I've gone through shit without needing their God and when life is good now, all the less reason to believe in their beliefs. Not receiving and donating blood? You know what? I believe in karma. Just by donating what I can, I hope someday when I need it, I'll receive too. Faith, again.
I would never dismiss religion as bullshit, just as I'd never dismiss politics as dirty donkey shit. But it is worth a look on why people believe in what they do, unquestionably, on why people leave their beliefs and form new ones, and on why people do not believe in religion to begin with. Did development, modernisation and urbanisation contribute to urban decay? (Do elephants have trunks?) Are people colder, more superficial and realistic? (Is China part of Asia?)
Does it mean we lose faith, join the rat race, be part of that neverending drumbeat to dull concrete fog of life?
Are there still those among us asking and questioning, seeking some answers?
You tell me.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
3 weeks and counting
Wow. I think today marks the 3rd week I've been here, and it seems like a short time..and a long time all at once.
I learnt a little more about myself and survival on my own - most important lesson of all is that I am okay. For all the worries and paranoia that I am just an empty vessel, I guess some of them's just a little empty noise.
I'm loving this. Being on my own. Having my own schedule, doing what I want, when I want, and on my own time, and terms. Meeting people from all over the world. Laughing, talking, walking, eating...no crying yet.
Take today for example: Ran to the train station to get a railway card cos the internet system doesn't like my passport number then library to return/collect books, sat in on a class, went for a research fellow's interview for his study, quick salad at the student union then to the blood donation drive, then to Marcia's to hang out before dinner, home for dinner then hour long phone call with a to-remain-nameless friend, and I'm supposed to be reading but here I am typing this and chatting...it's a full day, and it feels satisfying and productive.
Opening bank accounts, sorting out housing contracts, sorting out more problematic phone contracts, registering myself with uni, going to classes, being responsible for myself and keeping an eye on budget...this is actually fun. I remember feeling so daunted by the gargantuan task of starting a new life, not knowing anything about everything here, and now I'm slowly etching a place for myself. I enjoy the daily commute, whinging about the bad weather and rain, walking, getting my own groceries, thinking of what to eat when in reality I'm still too lazy to cook in the kitchen, even housekeeping my own room. Did I have problem adjusting? Huge culture shock? Not really. I guess I'm just lucky with that. I do feel a pang of loneliness at times, but easily cured by going to classes and doing some social thing. Meeting people isn't as easy as it *should* be.
But I know long ago that I've been ready to be on my own, that my presence at home had been a pain in everyone's ass. I felt like I was imposing myself. That I was struggling to balance between needing to be independent and living on another person's terms. And I knew, deep down, that I've left home for good. That this is it, the world is here, and I'm going to embrace it and free fall into life.
I learnt a little more about myself and survival on my own - most important lesson of all is that I am okay. For all the worries and paranoia that I am just an empty vessel, I guess some of them's just a little empty noise.
I'm loving this. Being on my own. Having my own schedule, doing what I want, when I want, and on my own time, and terms. Meeting people from all over the world. Laughing, talking, walking, eating...no crying yet.
Take today for example: Ran to the train station to get a railway card cos the internet system doesn't like my passport number then library to return/collect books, sat in on a class, went for a research fellow's interview for his study, quick salad at the student union then to the blood donation drive, then to Marcia's to hang out before dinner, home for dinner then hour long phone call with a to-remain-nameless friend, and I'm supposed to be reading but here I am typing this and chatting...it's a full day, and it feels satisfying and productive.
Opening bank accounts, sorting out housing contracts, sorting out more problematic phone contracts, registering myself with uni, going to classes, being responsible for myself and keeping an eye on budget...this is actually fun. I remember feeling so daunted by the gargantuan task of starting a new life, not knowing anything about everything here, and now I'm slowly etching a place for myself. I enjoy the daily commute, whinging about the bad weather and rain, walking, getting my own groceries, thinking of what to eat when in reality I'm still too lazy to cook in the kitchen, even housekeeping my own room. Did I have problem adjusting? Huge culture shock? Not really. I guess I'm just lucky with that. I do feel a pang of loneliness at times, but easily cured by going to classes and doing some social thing. Meeting people isn't as easy as it *should* be.
But I know long ago that I've been ready to be on my own, that my presence at home had been a pain in everyone's ass. I felt like I was imposing myself. That I was struggling to balance between needing to be independent and living on another person's terms. And I knew, deep down, that I've left home for good. That this is it, the world is here, and I'm going to embrace it and free fall into life.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Sheffield: First week(s)
Sheffield.
Well today marks my being here for a week, and if I don't start blogging about it, I don't think I ever will. That's actually how lazy I've become about keeping up with my life. I mean, things like starting a budget, filing things, keeping on top of my notes...I was never too adept at it, but now I'm just downright lazy.
The journey here was a long and not-too-exciting one...from KLIA to Singapore Changi International I got stuck next to a Chinese man with smelly, stinky, smelly smelly breath, and a 4-hour layover. I went online, then mucked around a little before bumping into a small group of Malaysian students headed to Manchester on the same flight. The flight wasn't too eventful, and thankfully the centre of our 3-seater row was empty so I had some space to throw myself about. Arrived in Manchester on a gloomy morning where we were gracefully ushered into the Heath Services for what I thought is demmit-health-check-but-my-x-ray-is-in-my-check-in but all the lady did was take down our passport number and details and which university we're headed to. I know. Wtf?
We were greeted by some Sheffield students who were part of the meet-and-greet scheme of the student union, and with a pair of siblings from Cyprus and their mom, we were unceremoniously dumped at Central Quay. The first flatmate I had was Doni, from Suzhou. After settling in, I talked with him, and then he happily took me around to buy my first necessities. We went...everywhere. Castlemarket, TJ Hughes, Sainsbury, 99p store, £1 store, frozen food store, The Moor, Tai Sun, London Road and the Chinese supermarket in The Forge...I think we even dropped by Primark and John Lewis. I was shown where Primark, Argos, banks, phone companies and Boots are, and in truth, his help was immeasurable. In the span of one single afternoon, I was introduced to most of Sheffield city centre.
I even stopped to see the tram stations, St Paul and St John Cathedral, City Hall and the Peace Gardens.
The next day, I was given directions to the University, and I trekked 45 minutes uphill to see Elmfield, which is a beautiful old building where the Politics Department is. I was exhausted by the time I reached the roundabout at the centre of the city campus. My first thought was, no fkin way I am going to walk like this on a daily basis, I wouldn't be able to make it. I trekked back to the city via West Street, and its a lot easier going downhill, and I think I shopped some before coming home to make dinner. It was after dinner that I went and explore parts of where I live in a little, and the back of Central Quay faces River Don, and there were ducks in the river. There's also a small pub/restaurant across the river, and it's quite a quiet place to reflect and walk in. And then I smelled Bak Kut Teh. I remember I grinned. It was 7ish, dinnertime for most of the residents and the smell of cooking was extremely homely and ...I don't know, gives me comfort.
The weather is crazy in this place, sunny two days, then gloomy and windy and cold the next couple, and then sunny again. In Malaysia, no one checks the weather, ever, but I learnt my lesson here. From hereon, before I head out every morning, I'm going to check the weather, even if only to see if it's going to rain a little. Because rain+wind=BAD.
My room faces the city centre, or what I can see of it since it faces uphill, and I can see the cathedrals from here. When the church bells toll, the sound is just absolutely beautiful and soothing. If anything, I'm just slightly unhappy (now coming to terms with it) with the fact that ALL my flatmates are from China. It feels like I flew to the wrong continent, sometimes. There's also some funny things I've noticed here, just small things like the lack of soybean milk (and how much I missed it), how the traffic is just as horrible as Malaysia and that pedestrians are given very little respect (so those chivalrous expat drivers must NOT be English, then!) , jaywalking is perfectly acceptable, how dirty and stinky with pee the city is on Friday and Saturday mornings, how noisy weekend evenings are with the crazy partying, and some jarring drunk racist shoutings from a Brit girl. Queues in this place are horrible, it feels like they're helpful, but ultimately inefficient and slow. I got long queues everywhere, from paying the bus driver to supermarkets to banks to the horrible reception in Central Quay and at the city. Its something I definitely need to get used to. But shopping is great here, I needed a coat so I walked to H&M and saw all these colourful hoodies and I already started to finger them before I halted myself. I was definitely losing the plot and I had to remind myself I don't have that much to spend.
I've had some department introduction meetings, and have met quite a few of my future classmates, and some had been great. A Chilean woman named Marcia and another from Beijing and I went bank shopping (for us), phone shopping (for Marcia) and coat shopping (for me). Yesterday we were at a graduates intro meeting and I met Joe, a Spanish who learnt to speak basic Chinese right here in Europe and Eva, a molecular medicine grad student from Kunming, and we spent the rest of the day chatting in English and Chinese about politics and England and China until dinnertime, where a huge group of graduate students met and went for dinner in 3 different pubs (because not a single place here can fit all of us).
I can see already this isn't going to be an easy year, even before my first class we've got a huge load of reading for the various modules we're interested in, but well...I hope I'm ready to take it all on. Sometimes, I've got my doubts, it feels like maybe I've bitten off more than I could chew.
I'm going to make the most out of the year though. It'll be amazing, for better or worst. I hope.
Well today marks my being here for a week, and if I don't start blogging about it, I don't think I ever will. That's actually how lazy I've become about keeping up with my life. I mean, things like starting a budget, filing things, keeping on top of my notes...I was never too adept at it, but now I'm just downright lazy.
The journey here was a long and not-too-exciting one...from KLIA to Singapore Changi International I got stuck next to a Chinese man with smelly, stinky, smelly smelly breath, and a 4-hour layover. I went online, then mucked around a little before bumping into a small group of Malaysian students headed to Manchester on the same flight. The flight wasn't too eventful, and thankfully the centre of our 3-seater row was empty so I had some space to throw myself about. Arrived in Manchester on a gloomy morning where we were gracefully ushered into the Heath Services for what I thought is demmit-health-check-but-my-x-ray-is-in-my-check-in but all the lady did was take down our passport number and details and which university we're headed to. I know. Wtf?
We were greeted by some Sheffield students who were part of the meet-and-greet scheme of the student union, and with a pair of siblings from Cyprus and their mom, we were unceremoniously dumped at Central Quay. The first flatmate I had was Doni, from Suzhou. After settling in, I talked with him, and then he happily took me around to buy my first necessities. We went...everywhere. Castlemarket, TJ Hughes, Sainsbury, 99p store, £1 store, frozen food store, The Moor, Tai Sun, London Road and the Chinese supermarket in The Forge...I think we even dropped by Primark and John Lewis. I was shown where Primark, Argos, banks, phone companies and Boots are, and in truth, his help was immeasurable. In the span of one single afternoon, I was introduced to most of Sheffield city centre.
I even stopped to see the tram stations, St Paul and St John Cathedral, City Hall and the Peace Gardens.
The next day, I was given directions to the University, and I trekked 45 minutes uphill to see Elmfield, which is a beautiful old building where the Politics Department is. I was exhausted by the time I reached the roundabout at the centre of the city campus. My first thought was, no fkin way I am going to walk like this on a daily basis, I wouldn't be able to make it. I trekked back to the city via West Street, and its a lot easier going downhill, and I think I shopped some before coming home to make dinner. It was after dinner that I went and explore parts of where I live in a little, and the back of Central Quay faces River Don, and there were ducks in the river. There's also a small pub/restaurant across the river, and it's quite a quiet place to reflect and walk in. And then I smelled Bak Kut Teh. I remember I grinned. It was 7ish, dinnertime for most of the residents and the smell of cooking was extremely homely and ...I don't know, gives me comfort.
The weather is crazy in this place, sunny two days, then gloomy and windy and cold the next couple, and then sunny again. In Malaysia, no one checks the weather, ever, but I learnt my lesson here. From hereon, before I head out every morning, I'm going to check the weather, even if only to see if it's going to rain a little. Because rain+wind=BAD.
My room faces the city centre, or what I can see of it since it faces uphill, and I can see the cathedrals from here. When the church bells toll, the sound is just absolutely beautiful and soothing. If anything, I'm just slightly unhappy (now coming to terms with it) with the fact that ALL my flatmates are from China. It feels like I flew to the wrong continent, sometimes. There's also some funny things I've noticed here, just small things like the lack of soybean milk (and how much I missed it), how the traffic is just as horrible as Malaysia and that pedestrians are given very little respect (so those chivalrous expat drivers must NOT be English, then!) , jaywalking is perfectly acceptable, how dirty and stinky with pee the city is on Friday and Saturday mornings, how noisy weekend evenings are with the crazy partying, and some jarring drunk racist shoutings from a Brit girl. Queues in this place are horrible, it feels like they're helpful, but ultimately inefficient and slow. I got long queues everywhere, from paying the bus driver to supermarkets to banks to the horrible reception in Central Quay and at the city. Its something I definitely need to get used to. But shopping is great here, I needed a coat so I walked to H&M and saw all these colourful hoodies and I already started to finger them before I halted myself. I was definitely losing the plot and I had to remind myself I don't have that much to spend.
I've had some department introduction meetings, and have met quite a few of my future classmates, and some had been great. A Chilean woman named Marcia and another from Beijing and I went bank shopping (for us), phone shopping (for Marcia) and coat shopping (for me). Yesterday we were at a graduates intro meeting and I met Joe, a Spanish who learnt to speak basic Chinese right here in Europe and Eva, a molecular medicine grad student from Kunming, and we spent the rest of the day chatting in English and Chinese about politics and England and China until dinnertime, where a huge group of graduate students met and went for dinner in 3 different pubs (because not a single place here can fit all of us).
I can see already this isn't going to be an easy year, even before my first class we've got a huge load of reading for the various modules we're interested in, but well...I hope I'm ready to take it all on. Sometimes, I've got my doubts, it feels like maybe I've bitten off more than I could chew.
I'm going to make the most out of the year though. It'll be amazing, for better or worst. I hope.
Friday, September 12, 2008
NO to BN
Reform is now inevitable, irreversible and hopefully imminent. TDM may go back to UMNO and support someone to beat Badawi at the coming UMNO elections, but this will not satisfy the thirst for change in Malaysia by all races. UMNO is beyond redemption, and the only way forward to rescue Malaysia is to replace the gangrened heart of power and replace it with a new entity called Pakatan. -Hiro
Beautifully written.
A comment on Mahathir's delusional comment @ http://mt.m2day.org/2008/content/view/12569/84/
Whether PR works or not...change must come. This cannot go on. This is not democracy. This is not what Malaysia stands for.
Beautifully written.
A comment on Mahathir's delusional comment @ http://mt.m2day.org/2008/content/view/12569/84/
Whether PR works or not...change must come. This cannot go on. This is not democracy. This is not what Malaysia stands for.
Monday, September 08, 2008
Enough lah
Okay, my knowledge of Malaysian politics isn't any more superior than the next person in the room. I am probably quite apathetic and a little outdated at times. I do not know the faces of our politicians, I do not know who's who in the leadership...I wasn't even sure who or how powerful the guy who presented me with my degree was.
But then, I read a piece of news on Malaysiakini, and tears sprung out. I felt despair more than anger at how things have gone this far in Malaysia. My premise is simple. I am a person born in Malaysia to persons born in Malaysia, whose parents were born in Malaysia. Malaysia x3 makes me pretty damn well Malaysian. To me, this is home. Even though I am Chinese by heritage, I do not identify with China. It is just a mystical land on the map where so many people of my skin colour, culture and language left and found homes elsewhere. The Chinese diaspora is well-known. Some of my mother's family sailed to America, some ended up closer to home in Hong Kong. And then my great-grandparents inadvertently arrived here. Diaspora - it is translated from Greek to mean 'the scattering or sowing of seeds'. And I am one of the plants sprung from these seeds - sheltered, nurtured and conditioned by my new environment, thus every minute change in this environment will affect the seedlings.
"Remember! The patience of Malays and Muslims has its limits. Do not push us to the wall, where we will be forced to reject the Chinese for the sake of our survival" - Ahmad Ismail
Statements like that creates fear in me. He wins. I am scared. On most days, knowing my Malay friends and people I meet from day-to-day life, I know without a doubt Malays will lay down their lives to defend us, their fellow Malaysians. I know, I have heard it being expressed sincerely, that while we are not colour-blind, because in truth we are *NOT*, many would ignore that fact, choosing only to see the ultimate truth, that we're all in this together, we're all Malaysians. Selective truth is a truly wonderful - or terrible - human trait. But on days like this, it makes it so hard for me to remember that. I'm already wary of walking the streets of KL filled with immigrants (legal status unknown) trying to ike out better lives here, and now I am weary in the comforts of my own home. We just wanted to feel safe, to know we are safe at home. Home.
We are ALL trying to survive in very trying times. I don't see the point of pushing one community off the ledge to benefit the other. Working in tandem - united we stand, remember? - would do a world of good for Malaysians.
Plus, in the biggest of ironies, to me, that statement is bluntly seditious. According to our draconian ISA laws, he deserve a penthouse in Hotel ISA. So why is he sleeping soundly in his own bed tonight? Whom or where do I seek reassurance and security in being Malaysian tonight? Although I shouldn't question it, but would my faith and loyalty pay off in the end, or is it all in vain?
You know, my ancestors boarded ships to this land for a better life for themselves and their descendants - us - and their backbreaking labour and hardship made us what we are today. I have pride in being part of this heritage, that much is true. The seeds they scattered are all grown up now, coloured and shaped by this environment for generations, so I beg you, please see us as fellow Malaysians and not immigrants or squatters, because this is my only home. It's not like we are here illegally or do not give back to the country. Skeptical as I am, scoff as I do at pathetic attempts of patriotic songs or superficial show of 'colourful Malaysia', this is home.
Is it so awfully wrong that we ask for equality and recognition? To have our colours mocked and pleas thrown back into our faces is a huge let down.
Aku anak Malaysia. I grow up learning to embody that spirit, will continue to, and always will.
I am Malaysian, for better for worst. I just hope soon it'll be easier to love, honour and cherish my country.
But then, I read a piece of news on Malaysiakini, and tears sprung out. I felt despair more than anger at how things have gone this far in Malaysia. My premise is simple. I am a person born in Malaysia to persons born in Malaysia, whose parents were born in Malaysia. Malaysia x3 makes me pretty damn well Malaysian. To me, this is home. Even though I am Chinese by heritage, I do not identify with China. It is just a mystical land on the map where so many people of my skin colour, culture and language left and found homes elsewhere. The Chinese diaspora is well-known. Some of my mother's family sailed to America, some ended up closer to home in Hong Kong. And then my great-grandparents inadvertently arrived here. Diaspora - it is translated from Greek to mean 'the scattering or sowing of seeds'. And I am one of the plants sprung from these seeds - sheltered, nurtured and conditioned by my new environment, thus every minute change in this environment will affect the seedlings.
"Remember! The patience of Malays and Muslims has its limits. Do not push us to the wall, where we will be forced to reject the Chinese for the sake of our survival" - Ahmad Ismail
Statements like that creates fear in me. He wins. I am scared. On most days, knowing my Malay friends and people I meet from day-to-day life, I know without a doubt Malays will lay down their lives to defend us, their fellow Malaysians. I know, I have heard it being expressed sincerely, that while we are not colour-blind, because in truth we are *NOT*, many would ignore that fact, choosing only to see the ultimate truth, that we're all in this together, we're all Malaysians. Selective truth is a truly wonderful - or terrible - human trait. But on days like this, it makes it so hard for me to remember that. I'm already wary of walking the streets of KL filled with immigrants (legal status unknown) trying to ike out better lives here, and now I am weary in the comforts of my own home. We just wanted to feel safe, to know we are safe at home. Home.
We are ALL trying to survive in very trying times. I don't see the point of pushing one community off the ledge to benefit the other. Working in tandem - united we stand, remember? - would do a world of good for Malaysians.
Plus, in the biggest of ironies, to me, that statement is bluntly seditious. According to our draconian ISA laws, he deserve a penthouse in Hotel ISA. So why is he sleeping soundly in his own bed tonight? Whom or where do I seek reassurance and security in being Malaysian tonight? Although I shouldn't question it, but would my faith and loyalty pay off in the end, or is it all in vain?
You know, my ancestors boarded ships to this land for a better life for themselves and their descendants - us - and their backbreaking labour and hardship made us what we are today. I have pride in being part of this heritage, that much is true. The seeds they scattered are all grown up now, coloured and shaped by this environment for generations, so I beg you, please see us as fellow Malaysians and not immigrants or squatters, because this is my only home. It's not like we are here illegally or do not give back to the country. Skeptical as I am, scoff as I do at pathetic attempts of patriotic songs or superficial show of 'colourful Malaysia', this is home.
Is it so awfully wrong that we ask for equality and recognition? To have our colours mocked and pleas thrown back into our faces is a huge let down.
Aku anak Malaysia. I grow up learning to embody that spirit, will continue to, and always will.
I am Malaysian, for better for worst. I just hope soon it'll be easier to love, honour and cherish my country.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Attachment
Time: 04:10
Aaaah. Its nearer to morning than night now, and I'm just finished with a few episodes of Grey's Anatomy. And whadyaknow, I feel loads better!
I wrote one miserable missive this afternoon, but I think I'm scratching that and writing something else right now, if I can manage without dozing off.
This afternoon, I said I'm moping. I'm hating myself for this, but I'm moping.
Well, that's going to stop. But I guess I could pinpoint that to two things, really: The panic I felt over my last paper, and the weight of realisation crashing down.
I guess that's because I finished so much earlier than everyone else, and it was about the first time I sat there for half an hour doubting myself while everyone else is scribbling away that sets me off. That half hour wait outside the hall didn't help either. But I am letting go.
All the symbolic acts are there - the handing in of the hard bound copy of my thesis to the office and watching it stamped...effectively transferring ownership to the university; a farewell dinner and hundreds of photos...
But also, it felt like I've said my farewells long ago. That what's left of me and Uni is just the packing and finishing up. I know for a fact I won't miss that place. That I've left before I physically could. But what I did not see was how it provided a crutch for me, knowing I know how to do well in there, and now I don't have that.
There's always a fear that I'm secretly a failure. To this day, I still wonder what, if any, is there I'm actually good at. That I could do for a living, to sustain myself, and that it will provide meaning to me, and to the world. How what I do will actually matter. It feels like I want to do bigger things, but right now, I feel like I'm as mediocre as mediocre goes. What am I cut out to be?
I don't know.
This self-searching begun years ago, hasn't ended, nowhere near to answers, and I'm making peace with that. Perhaps it'll be a lifelong search, but I think I'm going to be okay with it. That I can always question myself and change whenever it's needed. That's survival, right?
Thoughts of days long past, of certainty sometimes find its unwelcome presence in my mind. I was thinking that, once, I knew how to handle being myself, I knew how it's like to be single, I knew what it's like to be fat, I knew how it's like to be a student, I knew how it's like to just be me. All the self-esteem, self-image issues, all the struggles and fights...but they are not here anymore for me to hide behind.
I've changed. Some of the changes are by my own hands, true. But mostly circumstantial. I'd like to think I've learnt a lot from this past one year, the final year of university. That I will be able to handle this new me, hopefully with more grace. Always the klutz that I am, though.
It's funny isn't it? All these changes? I'm going through cognitive dissonance. This new ...situation is something I'm not used to. And I've never really thought about it because, well, I've just pushed them aside and dealt with it minutely...and I'm suddenly looking at the big picture.
You know what, I really don't know myself anymore. And who is this "myself"? Me?
Because right at this point, I can't say I'm fat. That I have self-esteem or -image issues because demmit I don't anymore...can't say I'm single and actually meant it, and perhaps the biggest of them all, that I can't say I'm a student. So yes, I'm having a hard time adjusting here.
Well, hi, identity crisis.
Am I contradicting myself? Am I rambling? Maybe I am. This is one of those I'm-on-my-own moments though.
This bites me right in my own ass, I gave someone that recently, that we don't have to do this alone. I've got people I know, love and trust...and I've tried, and tried their patience. I guess I never really believed that anyone else may be willing to be my crying shoulder. I've learnt to put my guards up. Sometimes, I wonder, why change that? Why allow myself to be vulnerable? I've been on my own all this while, and I'm doing okay...why change, except, is that enough anymore? I want more, but I'm scared. Am I trying to detach? Do I still carry that old I-don't-deserve-love thing in me? Dear God I hope not.
Okay, definitely rambling. Am I posting this? Am I?
Aaaah. Its nearer to morning than night now, and I'm just finished with a few episodes of Grey's Anatomy. And whadyaknow, I feel loads better!
I wrote one miserable missive this afternoon, but I think I'm scratching that and writing something else right now, if I can manage without dozing off.
This afternoon, I said I'm moping. I'm hating myself for this, but I'm moping.
Well, that's going to stop. But I guess I could pinpoint that to two things, really: The panic I felt over my last paper, and the weight of realisation crashing down.
I guess that's because I finished so much earlier than everyone else, and it was about the first time I sat there for half an hour doubting myself while everyone else is scribbling away that sets me off. That half hour wait outside the hall didn't help either. But I am letting go.
All the symbolic acts are there - the handing in of the hard bound copy of my thesis to the office and watching it stamped...effectively transferring ownership to the university; a farewell dinner and hundreds of photos...
But also, it felt like I've said my farewells long ago. That what's left of me and Uni is just the packing and finishing up. I know for a fact I won't miss that place. That I've left before I physically could. But what I did not see was how it provided a crutch for me, knowing I know how to do well in there, and now I don't have that.
There's always a fear that I'm secretly a failure. To this day, I still wonder what, if any, is there I'm actually good at. That I could do for a living, to sustain myself, and that it will provide meaning to me, and to the world. How what I do will actually matter. It feels like I want to do bigger things, but right now, I feel like I'm as mediocre as mediocre goes. What am I cut out to be?
I don't know.
This self-searching begun years ago, hasn't ended, nowhere near to answers, and I'm making peace with that. Perhaps it'll be a lifelong search, but I think I'm going to be okay with it. That I can always question myself and change whenever it's needed. That's survival, right?
Thoughts of days long past, of certainty sometimes find its unwelcome presence in my mind. I was thinking that, once, I knew how to handle being myself, I knew how it's like to be single, I knew what it's like to be fat, I knew how it's like to be a student, I knew how it's like to just be me. All the self-esteem, self-image issues, all the struggles and fights...but they are not here anymore for me to hide behind.
I've changed. Some of the changes are by my own hands, true. But mostly circumstantial. I'd like to think I've learnt a lot from this past one year, the final year of university. That I will be able to handle this new me, hopefully with more grace. Always the klutz that I am, though.
It's funny isn't it? All these changes? I'm going through cognitive dissonance. This new ...situation is something I'm not used to. And I've never really thought about it because, well, I've just pushed them aside and dealt with it minutely...and I'm suddenly looking at the big picture.
You know what, I really don't know myself anymore. And who is this "myself"? Me?
Because right at this point, I can't say I'm fat. That I have self-esteem or -image issues because demmit I don't anymore...can't say I'm single and actually meant it, and perhaps the biggest of them all, that I can't say I'm a student. So yes, I'm having a hard time adjusting here.
Well, hi, identity crisis.
Am I contradicting myself? Am I rambling? Maybe I am. This is one of those I'm-on-my-own moments though.
This bites me right in my own ass, I gave someone that recently, that we don't have to do this alone. I've got people I know, love and trust...and I've tried, and tried their patience. I guess I never really believed that anyone else may be willing to be my crying shoulder. I've learnt to put my guards up. Sometimes, I wonder, why change that? Why allow myself to be vulnerable? I've been on my own all this while, and I'm doing okay...why change, except, is that enough anymore? I want more, but I'm scared. Am I trying to detach? Do I still carry that old I-don't-deserve-love thing in me? Dear God I hope not.
Okay, definitely rambling. Am I posting this? Am I?
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Random
Time: 02:04
So I'm sitting here in the middle of the night playing sad songs from my music list and wondering why the hell am I up and doing this.
Few hours ago I was jittery and sort of in a hyper-mood so yes, this is the unfortunate unwinding. I don't even know why I'm blogging except there's no one around to talk with and I'm feeling a little lonely and vulnerable and typing this will provide relief and perspective, I hope.
Just thinking about family. Truth be told, I've never really gave those much thought...I've got my own little dysfunctional family unit and it works to our advantage (dad not around meaning no one over-protective, overbearing and paranoid to nag, control and curtail me) and I've always got my mom's parents and siblings as extended family, and feel secure in knowing most of them live 5 minutes away and that they will be here in a heartbeat should I holler.
But then now I wonder if that's enough. In truth, I've got all these cousins, aunts and uncles I haven't seen or talked with for over 10 years, I'm not sure I'll recognise my cousins anymore if we ever bump into each other in the streets and I'm sort of okay with that. But am I okay or have I just never gave it a thought?
I felt inclined to blame it on the fact that our elders did not put in an effort to maintain contact. Sometimes it felt like I've been divorced from my dad's family too. Estranged is the correct term, really. Like how my mom never encouraged us to send postcards, and how I know their parents didn't bother, either. It helped only 2 families lived in Kuala Lumpur, the rest of them are in either Johor, or Singapore. Sometimes, whenever I'm in Singapore, I almost willed myself into bumping into some of them just for the sake of them looking at me and knowing I've come pretty far from the awkward teenager they knew me as. But I've never considered calling them. Or wanted to.
And now I'm feeling a little sad over that loss of these people, my flesh and blood, for better or worst. We share the same surname, the same grandparents, but we may as well be strangers. It's a weird feeling. I think I've wrote about this some time ago, and that sadness never changed. Do I want to do something about it? Do we have to wait for funerals for a reunion (knowing that's the total end of the fragile link between all of us)? I don't know. I'm helpless.
I guess I should be moving on with life, finding my own ties, kindred spirits, soulmates and my own family in this world of six billion people. Life ebb and flow.
Bloody hell, I don't like how I'm feeling at the moment. This better be PMS or something.
So I'm sitting here in the middle of the night playing sad songs from my music list and wondering why the hell am I up and doing this.
Few hours ago I was jittery and sort of in a hyper-mood so yes, this is the unfortunate unwinding. I don't even know why I'm blogging except there's no one around to talk with and I'm feeling a little lonely and vulnerable and typing this will provide relief and perspective, I hope.
Just thinking about family. Truth be told, I've never really gave those much thought...I've got my own little dysfunctional family unit and it works to our advantage (dad not around meaning no one over-protective, overbearing and paranoid to nag, control and curtail me) and I've always got my mom's parents and siblings as extended family, and feel secure in knowing most of them live 5 minutes away and that they will be here in a heartbeat should I holler.
But then now I wonder if that's enough. In truth, I've got all these cousins, aunts and uncles I haven't seen or talked with for over 10 years, I'm not sure I'll recognise my cousins anymore if we ever bump into each other in the streets and I'm sort of okay with that. But am I okay or have I just never gave it a thought?
I felt inclined to blame it on the fact that our elders did not put in an effort to maintain contact. Sometimes it felt like I've been divorced from my dad's family too. Estranged is the correct term, really. Like how my mom never encouraged us to send postcards, and how I know their parents didn't bother, either. It helped only 2 families lived in Kuala Lumpur, the rest of them are in either Johor, or Singapore. Sometimes, whenever I'm in Singapore, I almost willed myself into bumping into some of them just for the sake of them looking at me and knowing I've come pretty far from the awkward teenager they knew me as. But I've never considered calling them. Or wanted to.
And now I'm feeling a little sad over that loss of these people, my flesh and blood, for better or worst. We share the same surname, the same grandparents, but we may as well be strangers. It's a weird feeling. I think I've wrote about this some time ago, and that sadness never changed. Do I want to do something about it? Do we have to wait for funerals for a reunion (knowing that's the total end of the fragile link between all of us)? I don't know. I'm helpless.
I guess I should be moving on with life, finding my own ties, kindred spirits, soulmates and my own family in this world of six billion people. Life ebb and flow.
Bloody hell, I don't like how I'm feeling at the moment. This better be PMS or something.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Lost
Time: 02:59
I'm truly at a crossroads right now...and it's choosing between potential love and potential self-development.
My question is, where do I go from here.
I'm not rushing into any rash decisions, but this is one of the rarest few moments I wish I have a mystical revelation, a sign telling me where should I go, what should I do.
Finally there's true possibilities, and I'm not comforted.
If I choose the love, I'm going to a place where I won't even be in my element. Where my choices as a Malaysian/Asian will be truly limited by, ironically, my (in)ability to speak, read and write Chinese. Where jobs may be hard to come by and it will be a struggle. But I may have found someone I could love. And I could do my master's in near future anyway.
If I choose the self-development, I have my misgivings...I'm burnt out by school and not sure if I'm ready for another dissertation in a few months. I'd have to start over the process of sussing out guys. But my entire year will be supported. And I may be able to develop my full potential.
It is somehow comforting to know that if things are meant to be, it will be, but I guess I want it, and I want it now.
I can't drag him into this...it should be my decision. But I need to know.
I fear his answer. I fear he does not want this as much as I do. I fear that it is a case of one-sided thoughts.
I fear he will want to let me go.
I'm truly at a crossroads right now...and it's choosing between potential love and potential self-development.
My question is, where do I go from here.
I'm not rushing into any rash decisions, but this is one of the rarest few moments I wish I have a mystical revelation, a sign telling me where should I go, what should I do.
Finally there's true possibilities, and I'm not comforted.
If I choose the love, I'm going to a place where I won't even be in my element. Where my choices as a Malaysian/Asian will be truly limited by, ironically, my (in)ability to speak, read and write Chinese. Where jobs may be hard to come by and it will be a struggle. But I may have found someone I could love. And I could do my master's in near future anyway.
If I choose the self-development, I have my misgivings...I'm burnt out by school and not sure if I'm ready for another dissertation in a few months. I'd have to start over the process of sussing out guys. But my entire year will be supported. And I may be able to develop my full potential.
It is somehow comforting to know that if things are meant to be, it will be, but I guess I want it, and I want it now.
I can't drag him into this...it should be my decision. But I need to know.
I fear his answer. I fear he does not want this as much as I do. I fear that it is a case of one-sided thoughts.
I fear he will want to let me go.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
My forgivable aspects
Time: 00:11
Now that we're on the verge of leaving home...will it ever be the same when we return?
Mull over that. I cried the first time I watch it.
Gianne wrote a while back about the concept of forgivable aspects. To paraphrase her, it is a concept where....people still stick to certain sort of people, no matter how fucked up they are.
A little like "he ain't heavy, he's my brother"...like a person may be a fucktard but he's got friends because he's generous, loyal and a good entertainer...or she may be the biggest bitch in the world but you won't find a more honest person, either...and those are the qualities that still draw people to people. That there are 'forgivable' qualities about you that no matter how exasperating you've been, people still forgive you because of them.
Here's what Gianne left for me:
your forgivable aspects?
1) i love how much you are able to feel, and your capacity to love.
2) i love the way your mind works. sometimes i'm a little afraid of your depth because i might get get lost or drown in it. (can i dissect your brainnnn????)
(in short, you're a person of great substance ;P)
3) you bring yourself so well when articulating your ideas and opinions; it's like i can feel the clouds parting and light shining through wtf
4) you... challenge me to be a better person =).
5) you're funny and quick and interesting and a supremely wonderful friend (pretty much everything, short of a worship altar XD)
6) you're like fried tofu wtf. from outside you're a strong person, and at the same time, you're vulnerable ... it's something that i find endearing.
7) okay, this is so superficial but you're Miss Vavavoom!!! lesbian lovers insist!!
(please take this list out and slap yourself with it in the case of low self-esteem okay wtf)
Thank you, Gianne. I'm not sure if I live up to all you say, but indeed if that's what you think of me...I could live in peace with knowing I've done alright and will strive to do so continuously. So if I ever screw up, please screw me over.
What do the rest of you think?
Now that we're on the verge of leaving home...will it ever be the same when we return?
Mull over that. I cried the first time I watch it.
Gianne wrote a while back about the concept of forgivable aspects. To paraphrase her, it is a concept where....people still stick to certain sort of people, no matter how fucked up they are.
A little like "he ain't heavy, he's my brother"...like a person may be a fucktard but he's got friends because he's generous, loyal and a good entertainer...or she may be the biggest bitch in the world but you won't find a more honest person, either...and those are the qualities that still draw people to people. That there are 'forgivable' qualities about you that no matter how exasperating you've been, people still forgive you because of them.
Here's what Gianne left for me:
your forgivable aspects?
1) i love how much you are able to feel, and your capacity to love.
2) i love the way your mind works. sometimes i'm a little afraid of your depth because i might get get lost or drown in it. (can i dissect your brainnnn????)
(in short, you're a person of great substance ;P)
3) you bring yourself so well when articulating your ideas and opinions; it's like i can feel the clouds parting and light shining through wtf
4) you... challenge me to be a better person =).
5) you're funny and quick and interesting and a supremely wonderful friend (pretty much everything, short of a worship altar XD)
6) you're like fried tofu wtf. from outside you're a strong person, and at the same time, you're vulnerable ... it's something that i find endearing.
7) okay, this is so superficial but you're Miss Vavavoom!!! lesbian lovers insist!!
(please take this list out and slap yourself with it in the case of low self-esteem okay wtf)
Thank you, Gianne. I'm not sure if I live up to all you say, but indeed if that's what you think of me...I could live in peace with knowing I've done alright and will strive to do so continuously. So if I ever screw up, please screw me over.
What do the rest of you think?
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