Wednesday, October 03, 2007

So I'm a fool...

Time: 23:32

The gums around my wisdom tooth hurts. It's been hurting since last Saturday. Extends right down my jaw to my throat. Chewing hurts. Swallowing hurts. Talking hurts. Wisdom is a pain in my ass. The tooth will have to go next week. I knew that for two years now; it's just never been this bad. Just delaying the eventual.

Its now the semester break, and I know I've bungled up a couple of papers. It should've been easy; it wasn't. I had distraction. Sitting in Starbucks studying and memorising and fidgeting, all I could think of were the sea, walks, movies, linking hands, warm embraces.

I am going to pay. Right now I don't care, but I'm setting myself up for something I can't even grasp or see. I can foretell, but I can't halt myself. Did the better, rational part of my mind flee, or am I thinking as clearly as I hope I am?

Commitment. That word encompasses everything. The honesty, hope, loyalty, giving, taking, waiting, anticipating. Of baring myself, being vulnerable, fear, risks, disappointments, hopes. Of insecurities and too many what-ifs.

I've made that decision, no turning back. Can't shut the feelings out. Not the ups nor the downs. I've already bought the long-haul ticket and boarded the ride. Now what?

Some say it takes two to tango. So far I felt safe and contented with being led, but right now, I feel forlorn dancing to the solitary tune. I'm being clingy and ridiculous, being the exact antithesis of who I portrayed, no, who I thought I am. It hasn't even been that long, and yet I knew now how it felt like to miss so much, it hurts. I fear the real thing, then.

All will be fine in the end. Trust. All I have.