Quite a jumbled mind I have in recent days...
Where do I start?
The main things are: I've started a job, I'm depressed, and I'm trapped in circles made in my own head.
Right now I'm listening to One Republic's Come Home...I know it's a sad song, but for some reason it's also one of the most memorable songs and one of my favourites. Not just lyrics-wise, but also how haunting it all sounds, I don't care what you say, that it's pop and mainstream or whatever, I'm a conformist! Therefore I listen to mainstream music, kapish?
But, yeah, it's like, a couple years ago (or maybe it's more than that, I'm getting older afterall), I felt like I need to run away to find myself. But then I learnt maybe I will have to run away, learn and then realise what I want is at home anyway. But I'm not ready to go home.
And there's nothing I desire more than happiness, but what if it's at the expense of others? Would that still make me happy in the long run and in the bigger picture? I don't know. All I know is, my life's in a limbo at the minute, I have half a job that I'm really unhappy about, no clear plans for the next month, much less 3, 6, 12 or 18 months ahead, and should I even plan when life's so fragile and so surprising, and throws you many twists? I don't know either.
I guess I'm now living life "on the run" if it makes sense. I just don't want to be on a freefall and splat on the ground because then that wouldn't be pretty. Acceptance is hard, especially of reality and the practicality of things. I always considered myself practical and down-to-earth. But I'm also very set in my ways, willful and stubborn. I want things in a certain way, and usually, my way and my way only. To accept that this job is all I can hope for at the moment, that I need to dredge to my workplace every morning, that I have to stop throwing tantrums the moment my alarm rings and to stop looking so miserable at work...all that is difficult. I just can't swallow it. Or accept it.
People come in all shapes and forms, and I need to remember the learning opportunity that I can take away from this, even if the financial gain is but a pittance. And remember the goodness, the kindness and the generosity of strangers.
I need to learn this lesson now if I want to move on with life: That the world is not just my oyster, it's also millions of other people's oysters. That when I take, I should be taking away from another person. I don't know where I'm going with this...because now the thought struck me. Couple of posts ago, I asked for luck with something important; it was for a job interview. I didn't get it, of course...the other person showed a bit more "knowledge" than I did during the interview. Otherwise I was perfect in every way. I took that hard, perhaps too hard. I was picked over, and I took it personally. But then, who can I blame?
It wasn't for my lack of passion, it was for my lack of knowledge.
I feel slightly, ok, very cheated.
I can't believe right now how much passion, how much drive, how much want I'm showing in wanting to prove my abilities and potential and break into the communications industry. I've said this before, and now with even more conviction, after I've landed my current dismal job in a call centre, cold calling businesses to ask for their details. It's probably the easiest job with the chillest team in the entire centre, but I seeth under the control and manipulation of the supervising team leaders. I refuse to be played like I'm daft, I refuse to submit to their wishes and phrasing my words and mentality in the way they wanted me to. I refuse to be baited to enter their insipid contests to be top caller so that I earn an extra £5 or be given chocolates for rewards. I feel more strongly than ever that I'm more than that, that....I have ambition. I have dreams.
I refuse to spend my time in a dead end job in a call centre.
But more and more, I'm afraid my dreams will only remain as such, that my writing has suffered and is suffering, and I've lost my mojo, and the ability to express. I just want to be given a chance, I feel like I'm fighting a hopeless fight. My actions sometimes indicate I've given up, but no, I haven't and I won't. I can't. I just want to eke out a life for myself, to find meaning to my life, here.
And once I give up, I give up the expectations, hopes and dreams of not only myself, but of those I love and cherish. But the self-doubts question whether I deserve chances at all. Have I worked hard enough to go where I want to be.
Secretly, maybe the answer is no.