Saturday, June 30, 2007

Losing weight

Time: 02:19

When my favourite skirt start sliding around my hips, I got sad. That's my favourite skirt!

And when I can fit into Nichii clothes, I was beyond ecstatic. I don't feel so gigantic somehow. And I was so excited I bought a dress on a whim.

I've been trying to lose weight the past 3 months...and it's working...slowly. SLOWLY. REALLY slow. Some days its even went up the opposite way. It's been a painful, hurtful, depressing experience. And I'm only about halfway from where I want to be now. You know, all I want to do is to fit in. I don't want to be odd because I'm so fat anymore.

For every walk/jog/gym I didn't want to go, I remind myself that I have a mission, and every step will count, whether to burn calories or to up my metabolism. Every drop of sweat meant something. Some days I pushed myself not hard enough, and I swear and curse. Sometimes I punished myself enough for me to like myself. For that hour.

Until I look into the mirror and still see the fat girl in front of it. I wonder when will I start liking myself, when will I stop beating myself up and to measure all my self-worth against numbers on a scale. And when can I stop hating myself for that extra bite, for eating more than I think I should and for being human, and hungry.

And I remind myself, over and over and over and over, why am I doing this.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Eating me up

Time: 01:21

I've been bottling up too much anger at too many people. I remembered the things they said and did, and the things they did not say and did not do.

I've been very, very angry. And sullen and stubborn.

And I've been avoiding having anything to do to resolve or undo the anger. It's become toxic. It's eating me up inside.

Maybe I should let go and forgive. I've been angry at far too many people for far too long.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

bad weekend

Time: 21:23

Headed to what's starting to look like the worst semester ever (made Year 1 Semester 2 a breeze) and then hit by THE worst weekend I had as far as I remember.

Started innocently enough...went to the gym after classes on Wednesday and when I came home, felt extra lethargic, which I didn't think much of. Got hit by fever and really, really achy legs and slept early to shake off whatever I had.

Thursday morning no classes and I took some fever pills so it felt like its gone. Then the fever returned that night and didn't go away. I had an assignment to pass up on Friday and a two-hour lecture and I don't know what compelled me to do so but I shivered, tossed and turned and not listen to a single word for two hours before handing in the assignment and ran home. Hid under the covers til I went to see the doc in the afternoon. He said I should do a blood test in the morning if the fever persisted.

After another less horrible night, the fever broke Saturday morning and I felt fine until that evening. I went to the doctor again and he gave me a referral letter to an A&E Dept for blood tests. He said I should not wait. It made me nervous. The worst medical emergency I ever had was when I scraped my knees really badly. That was 13 years ago and I didn't even need stitches.

But I've never felt that weak and desperate and my hands and feet were numb and I can't move without pausing and feeling like I will faint and every time I turn my head I can feel my brain was not registering the sights as fast as my eyes are, and my legs gave out on me a few I told my mom I can't take it anymore. She took me to Sentosa Medical Centre where I spent another few hours on a cot covered with my jacket and blanket awaiting my blood test results and the good people even inserted an IV needle already, waiting in case they're admitting me.

Negative for dengue.

They sent me home. I still feel a little under the weather but a hella lot better than 24 hours ago.

What a fun weekend, huh.