Thursday, May 27, 2010

Too many women?

With the addition of another person into our house, we have a total of 4 females and one male living together in close quarters.

One evening, we all sat together to watch Ally McBeal and naturally, girl-friendly conversations ensued.

Our lone male housemate took a bottle of beer from the shelf, retired to the kitchen, tuned in to Hallam FM, and contemplated life.

And that's how I found him, sipping his beer.

'Too many women!', he said.


Wednesday, May 26, 2010

A day in the life of...

Bliss is...when the weather permits and you and your housemates walk to the market to shop; when you smell charcoal smoke wafting in the air; when you hear the sound of meat sizzling on the barbie, and when you have a huge chow-down session with loads meat, potato salad and laughter.

This is our very first BBQ of the year, despite the threatening rain (it did drizzle lightly at one point, we moved the BBQ to the alleyway between our house and neighbour's) it was amazing.

Then a week later, to celebrate my housemate Ally (long-awaited) finishing her dissertation, Hilary moving into the house, and mine and Tim J and Tim C's birthdays, and Marcia's internship with the British Red Cross (yes a lot of reasons to celebrate!), we had another BBQ.

It was a warmer, sunnier day as well.

Marcia wrapping up Tim C's present, our kitchen looked like a mini-disaster zone with plates, salad bowls and sauces spread around.

I do love this photo, it's really not that great it being unfocused and grainy...but it did capture the moment.

And finally, just to show off, my massive birthday card...

It's a good start to warmer weather, but I'm finally old enough to not want to tell people my age anymore.


Friday, May 21, 2010

Bad habit

When I'm in a supermarket or sandwich shop or newsagent...

I am always tempted to pick up a snack or two. And sometimes I succumb.

A bar of chocolate. A bag of crisps. A stick of Starburst.

But I never finish them. Actually, I don't even open them or look at them. They sit on my table for weeks and weeks, til Tim asks if he can have some. I always let him finish them off.

Aior...either I eat or I stop buying. Cos I have a lone packet of Salt & Vinegar Walkers Crisps on my desk and 2/3 of a stick of Starburst in my drawer that will remain uneaten now.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Brick wall

Dear me,

I really, really need to talk. I just don't know who'd listen and help me analyse this. I've been feeling a tad low.

I wonder what it takes to make lasting relationships.

Because I seem to be the type who burns bridges every so often...and awful as it is, the last few weeks, I have been and still is tempted, to burn that one bridge that I have cultivated, watered, fed and nurtured for a year now. Well, more like built foundations, laid bricks, painted and tarmacked considering I'm speaking of a bridge...but anyhow, my heart is painfully telling me, I want out.

But immediately after that, I know how absurd it is, because there is no solid reason to, apart from my feeling bored and frustrated about how life is going in general. That I want to set myself free once again, into the world, and start again.


I can't. The illusion that I have done it once came from the generousity of my dad. There will be no second chance, and rightly so. There's nothing left I'm allowed to ask beyond what I have already demanded.

Why? What is it?

Dancing on my tongue is the closest easiest reply: I'm afraid of commitment. I want to hold out.

But for what? How greedy can I get? When will enough really be enough for me?

I just feel at this moment, that life is on a bit of a freefall. I feel like I have no support, and I'm too prideful, too ashamed to ask. To admit I don't know, to admit how green I still am. I am on the verge of cracking, perhaps already am, but I can't pinpoint the exact reason(s), and it baffles me because I'm supposed to be a strong person. But a strong person doesn't snap and throw tantrums and sulk. And those are the very things I found myself doing to comfort myself, reminiscence of the young girl I was. The only element missing is the out-and-out yelling and arguing.

I just want to jump onto a plane train (volcano ash, less carbon footprints) and leave once again. When will I learn, truly learn to be in control? Why the relapses?

Heart, be still...

Friday, May 14, 2010

So much to say...

...but really, nowhere to say it.

Because half (or most) are just thoughts floating in my head, the need to whinge and moan.

1. My tummy hurts :(

2. My hands are cold, the office is cold.

3. I don't wanna work today, still tired from yesterday.

4. I feel like cooking. Its extremely satisfying. Even if it goes wrong, it won't taste horrible. Because its usually just the case of not getting the 'right' taste, but I'm glad apart from being slightly heavy-handed with salt (and pepper), I've got good seasoning 'eye'

5. I'm slightly put out with The Boy. I don't know why. I know I shouldn't be. I'm being unreasonable. I'm feeling the sort of feelings I should not be feeling. I need to master them and be more rational. Do not let my heart rule over my head.

6. I have 7 hours til end of my work day.

7. My hands are still cold.

8. I want more money.

9. I wanna fly off somewhere again. Or take a train. Just go away.

10. Just Friday blues, shut up Puiyee.

Thursday, May 06, 2010

An unusual feeling indeed

And that feeling is, at the moment, pretty content.

Very rarely I share news of joy, because of my inherent fear of jinxing things. Sort of like, by voicing something aloud, I turn it pear-shaped.

But as I walk home from work these days (I still sleep late and drag myself up in the mornings), I feel good. I have a vague smile on my face. I wave hello to the little old lady standing outside her house at 5.15pm every evening.

I feel in some ways I've came a full circle. Its a good feeling.

Yesterday I got tired of my long hair and trimmed it myself on my bed with the bin sat next to my covers. Today I changed all my bedcovers. My duvet's bright and pink again. I get paid tomorrow. It's also UK elections day. My laptop screen busted 2 weeks ago, and the computer guy at the computer shop is taking his time. Tim loaned me his laptop. No stress.

It's 12.45am, I should shower and sleep soon. Maybe after reading some news on the Beeb. Maybe after watching Jamie 'Oh my Lord!' Oliver prance his way through Stockholm.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Bahasa saya....

...sangat, sangat karat.

Apakah punca masalahnya? Sistem pelajaran yang tidak berkesan? Masa di bangku sekolah, selama 11 tahun, saya fasih Bahasa, siap dengan loghat Melayu. Tapi, tinggalkan sekolah sahaja, hancur terus, penguasaan bahasa langsung menjadi lemah.

Sekarang, nak fikirkan perkataan pun susah, lidah kelu, kena cari di Wikipedia atau kamus Inggeris-Melayu!

Dan dahlah sekarang daku di seberang laut, tiada peluang berbahasa. Maklumlah, jarang dapat bertemu orang Malaysia, tegur sapa pun cuma di kedai sesekali-sekala.

Aduh, sedih. Sedih.