Thursday, May 20, 2010

Brick wall

Dear me,

I really, really need to talk. I just don't know who'd listen and help me analyse this. I've been feeling a tad low.

I wonder what it takes to make lasting relationships.

Because I seem to be the type who burns bridges every so often...and awful as it is, the last few weeks, I have been and still is tempted, to burn that one bridge that I have cultivated, watered, fed and nurtured for a year now. Well, more like built foundations, laid bricks, painted and tarmacked considering I'm speaking of a bridge...but anyhow, my heart is painfully telling me, I want out.

But immediately after that, I know how absurd it is, because there is no solid reason to, apart from my feeling bored and frustrated about how life is going in general. That I want to set myself free once again, into the world, and start again.

Reset.

I can't. The illusion that I have done it once came from the generousity of my dad. There will be no second chance, and rightly so. There's nothing left I'm allowed to ask beyond what I have already demanded.

Why? What is it?

Dancing on my tongue is the closest easiest reply: I'm afraid of commitment. I want to hold out.

But for what? How greedy can I get? When will enough really be enough for me?

I just feel at this moment, that life is on a bit of a freefall. I feel like I have no support, and I'm too prideful, too ashamed to ask. To admit I don't know, to admit how green I still am. I am on the verge of cracking, perhaps already am, but I can't pinpoint the exact reason(s), and it baffles me because I'm supposed to be a strong person. But a strong person doesn't snap and throw tantrums and sulk. And those are the very things I found myself doing to comfort myself, reminiscence of the young girl I was. The only element missing is the out-and-out yelling and arguing.

I just want to jump onto a plane train (volcano ash, less carbon footprints) and leave once again. When will I learn, truly learn to be in control? Why the relapses?

Heart, be still...

1 comment:

p.a.u.l.y said...

one day, something, or perhaps someone will change you.