Tuesday, August 24, 2010

It just hit home...

...that I'm moving.

On Friday.

I have a gawdawful dream last night...before falling asleep I was fretting about the photos and cards and stuff still on my walls, and then I dreamed that it was Friday and the van man lugged everything into his van and I was wailing about my photos on the wall and he was dragging me by my arm.

And I am packing ahead of time anyway considering I'm not moving til Friday afternoon...but better early than late, no?

And the waiting is over and the prayers' answered...and I'm so grateful, so so grateful.

One problem over. This time next week I'd have finished my first day at work.

Without even realising it I'm counting down the days til I start work. Eeeeeks!

I think this year living with people has been successful...cos I held my tongue, let things be, and avoided bickering and confrontations. I'm happy I've lived in close proximity with the same people for a year now, and not had a single ugly moment. I think it's a milestone. I'm getting better. I hope! *fingers crossed*

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Wishing and praying

This sucks.

I know I'm responsible for myself, and I truly enjoy doing that. But this current crisis sucks. I can't find a flat or a shared house in York. Well, I can, but I can't find what I liked, and have it, too.

I don't like how things are so out of my control. That I'm at the mercy of not just my own, but also another person's limited spending power. That so much rides on whether someone took a shine on us, or not.

I hate the waiting, I can't help how anxious I feel and how angry I get and how worked up I become while I wait. With a mixture of hope and dejection. Of not daring, but still going for it.

Rippling out from the deepest of my soul, the negativity and bad juju not just affects, but consumes me whole and I turn monstrous. I am truly and utterly ashamed of myself, and of my shameful behaviour, reaction and mindset.

Lately, in an introspective phase, I begin to truly wonder if I can be content. That lesson that I never learned. Still have not. I know I'm young, and I choose this path of uncertainty and unpredictables, but oh, the strength needed to sustain good, positive thoughts and keep going on.

I am truly scared of myself. Of how unhappy I am willing to be. How I dwell so much on the bad and dismiss the good. And lately, how easily my thoughts creep to giving up when I don't deserve to, when new and exciting things are happening and big changes abound. It's just that the end results remain the same: no matter which way I see it, I end up back where I started. And these couple of years, I could chalk it up to amazing experience, but I choose to see it as an abrupt end to a long-term project I started and not ready to finish yet. Not by long shot. In short, why am I doing all this when in the end it means nothing?

Now you see what I mean? From a simple issue at hand, my mind dwells and digs up all the issues I face, short and long term, and hook them in my heart, clawing and scratching.

Underwater with no air.

I need to break into the surface pronto, and breath. With no cue. And stay there paddling.

I wish I am able to talk with those near and dear. I feel so alone. And worried. I wish I can share and get a sobbing shoulder, and relieve The Boy of his duties for a while. I am afraid of this: that I'm driving him away. And if there is indeed a Higher Being, and I am of the agnostic stock, then tonight I get on my knees and pray for relief. For the jigsaw to fall into place. For my sanity. For hope. And for belief. I pray.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Nigglings in my heart

I knew it all along...

My mom (and I'm pretty certain my dad, to an extent) is disappointed with my choices in life.

From me studying political science, to my choice in men. And why I choose to stay so far away, and who I choose to make friends with...

And I struggle hard to keep away the nagging voices in my head, to learn to be my own person, and be okay with that.

And the voice of disapproval just never recede.

When will I, if indeed I can, truly break free?

When I'm swimming in money? When I find a man who will give me loads of money and not expect my silence and acquiescence in return? When my friends are in the who's who list and when my career makes me a who's who?