Friday, August 13, 2010

Nigglings in my heart

I knew it all along...

My mom (and I'm pretty certain my dad, to an extent) is disappointed with my choices in life.

From me studying political science, to my choice in men. And why I choose to stay so far away, and who I choose to make friends with...

And I struggle hard to keep away the nagging voices in my head, to learn to be my own person, and be okay with that.

And the voice of disapproval just never recede.

When will I, if indeed I can, truly break free?

When I'm swimming in money? When I find a man who will give me loads of money and not expect my silence and acquiescence in return? When my friends are in the who's who list and when my career makes me a who's who?


1 comment:

gianne said...

breaking free seems a bit deceptive sometimes, because then you realise that you've just been bungee jumping, and the cords still pull you back to the source that you just got the hell away from.

for me, at a point, it was easier to accept that, yes, i will disappoint you. yes, i screw up. yes, i'm not that perfect human being in your eyes. and it's okay. we all are struggling to be better people, but we also have our own pace. accept it, damn it.

also... it's hard for people like parents to imagine a life unlike their own in their offsprings. or a life they hoped for themselves. in a way, they have no control and maybe it makes them feel lost...? and it gets translated into disappointment?

i could tell you all these, but it will still be tough. it's not easy to pull yourself out from the emotional depths, but with time, it gets easier.