When my favourite skirt start sliding around my hips, I got sad. That's my favourite skirt!
And when I can fit into Nichii clothes, I was beyond ecstatic. I don't feel so gigantic somehow. And I was so excited I bought a dress on a whim.
I've been trying to lose weight the past 3 months...and it's working...slowly. SLOWLY. REALLY slow. Some days its even went up the opposite way. It's been a painful, hurtful, depressing experience. And I'm only about halfway from where I want to be now. You know, all I want to do is to fit in. I don't want to be odd because I'm so fat anymore.
For every walk/jog/gym I didn't want to go, I remind myself that I have a mission, and every step will count, whether to burn calories or to up my metabolism. Every drop of sweat meant something. Some days I pushed myself not hard enough, and I swear and curse. Sometimes I punished myself enough for me to like myself. For that hour.
Until I look into the mirror and still see the fat girl in front of it. I wonder when will I start liking myself, when will I stop beating myself up and to measure all my self-worth against numbers on a scale. And when can I stop hating myself for that extra bite, for eating more than I think I should and for being human, and hungry.
And I remind myself, over and over and over and over, why am I doing this.