Time: 19:52
Arghhhhhhhhhhh
*Screams and waves like a monkey gone bananas*
Ever been paralysed by stress, fear and anxiety?
Here I am!!!!!!!!!!
Arghhhhhhhhhh
Sorry, didn't mean to go loony. Just that, well, week 13 of 14 of Year 3 Semester 1 is more than half over, I've got two more presentations before I can sigh for relief for a couple days, and these presentations are going to freak the shit out of me. Creative Strategy for Advertising under Lim Soo Jin's been a total stresshole. I know that man's intention is good, and that he does the whole tough love thing where he's being brutal and held high expectations so that we go beyond our usual and perform the best we could, but. The whole anxiety of waiting, waiting, waiting for him to slaughter us verbally is a pretty miserable time.
Exams loom, and I fear so much about not being able to maintain my GPA. Sure it's pretty great right now, but not good enough. Not good enough at all. And after this semester it WILL go down. After that, what? I know deep down I WANT to graduate with first class honours...who doesn't? But if it slips out of my grasp...bye scholarships, bye financial aid...bye dreams?
LSE's prospectus arrived and I saw a 2-year Masters programme ...Global Media and Communication and you know, I want it. I want it so bad. London. I will be eating air and drinking tap water for a year but. Yeah, yea. I know. I gotta believe. That I'm good enough, that I can. That it's okay to suck the life-savings out of my dad. I'm trying.
On top of that, the whole weight losing thing...Amelia's right. It will never be enough. I'm so near my first goal now, and I'm so tired, and I've gotta be on my guard all the time, and yet I'm pushing the bar lower. It was a few pounds more and now it's 10lbs more. Then I'll maintain. I know, sure, I look so much better now, but it's never going to be enough. I look in the mirror, and I compare with my peers, and I feel thick and big. That I still need to buy local Ls. That in people's eyes I will still look fat. And that I squeeze my middle and I can feel the love handles.
The motivation burns as bright as ever, but I slip and feel guilty and so tired...it's ridiculous because I feel guilty whenever I eat. I used to read about girls feeling guilty for eating a fried egg, but now I really truly know what food guilt is. I used to be able to eat mindlessly, now I still love my food as ever, but post-meal, gawd, the guilt. It's a bitch being a girl who cares about what people think of her. It's a bitch being a female, period.
I'm going to have an anxiety attack, I think.
Wise men say, only fools rush...
One step at a time.
Oh I've forgotten to add on my last post, watch Thank You for Smoking. Uses logic and rationale to influence people to smoke. Moral flexibility. Proving someone wrong meant you're right. Arguments, not negotiations make people win. BRILLIANT for critical thinking.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Sunday, August 19, 2007
i blogeth
Time: 13:12
Oh yes, I blog. Maybe, soon, one day, in very near future, my blog will be scrutinised by my government, and God forbid if I said anything seditious, because then someone will be knocking at my door and taking me away for two weeks with no access to a lawyer and have my poor computer, modem and hard drive consficated and what will I do if they found my entire porn collection?
The talks of tightening the reins of blogging or expressing of opinions raise heckles. Internet is, and remains, the only freeflow avenue for my fellow Malaysians to say what they feel and rest assured, they will be heard. Not that I agree people should just say what they want, because we're all born with logic and I am still optimistic that we are all good and rational and with the right faculty and nurtured with the right tools, we all can criticise constructively, bla bla bla...but curtailing our freedom is absolutely ridiculous and if anything, will be a surefire way to invite unwanted international attention on the oppression of Malaysians and the freedom of expression. Yay, Malaysia!
Also, rationally, who's to say what makes a good blog and what makes an offending blog? Say, if I'm unhappy with a policy, and wrote it here, would that lump me together with Jeff Ooi? So how will they work out whose blog to ban and who can blog? How is that fair to everyone? Why would some blogs be banned for seemingly innocuous entries and some blogs with inflammatory comments be allowed to continue? And, why should bloggers be held responsible for comments left on their blogs by random people who had two cents and wanted to put it there? That's akin to A knocking into B's car which was parked nicely at the curb. Would you blame B for parking his car there and therefore vulnerable to being hit by an idiotic kopi-license holder?
And it curdles my blood further to hear PSAs on radio channels telling people what are blogs and what (not) to write and about responsibility and maintaining peace (status quo).
*Perky voiceover* "This public service message is brought to you by iTalk!" */perky voiceover*
I say, screw that.
Yes, yes. These past few weeks has been quite an emotional ride for me. It is also the end of Week 12 of 14 of this unmentionably horrific-please-be-over semester.
Dress code. More specifically, our new FAS Dean's new dress code. For the very rational reason of there being construction work (and therefore a nest of immigrant labourers) right outside our miserable, small and smelly faculty, female students are asked to wear more 'cloth' and because there were strangers entering and stealing stuff or harassing students in our faculty, we are all told to wear our name tags.
Here I am, thinking those uniform-and-nametag-and-white-shoes days are over. And then I turn and some balding DSA officer smiled saccharinely and grabbed my nametag and lanyard from my hands right outside the ICT where I just returned the LCD and projector and told me "You're not wearing your nametag; follow me". Blood boiled, I saw fire hot red and grabbed my nametag back not-too-gently and walked away. Question is, WHY. We can produce our nametags if you ask us (nicely). We do not need officers entering lecture halls asking to see this student or that for not wearing tags and interrupting the lecture, undermining the lecturer's authority, distrupting class and generally leaving a bad taste in everyone's mouth, or having them taken in the computer labs cos we left them beside us on our desks. If we can login to the computers, you can be damned sure we are fellow students who faithfully paid our fees and your salary for our education.
Then couple days later with a handful of files and an obvious fuck-I'm-late harriedness, I grabbed my nametag, shoved it in front of the security guard's face and ran in.
"OI! WOI! Pakai nametag!"
Yell at me like that 9.34am as my first human-to-human interaction of the day? By a security guard?
*insert obscenity here*
Ruined my day. Totally ruined it.
I'm feeling rather oppressed and caged and angry. Some of it has nothing to do with anything but being caged and angry, and stressed and frustrated over circumstances I cannot change and will have to learn to live and let live (or go).
On top of it was the NaMaWee (sp?) Negarakuku phenomenon. Look, he spoke from the very hearts of the Chinese-oriented people of this country and every single thing he rapped, we have said or heard of before. Really, nothing new there. The bribe-taking police force? The slow and steady government servants? The getting education overseas so that we can come back and contribute scheme? Check. Check. Check. I agree. Someone has spoken.
And yet...I lament the use of our national anthem. Sure, it made a huge impact and got all the attention he wanted, but look, the anthem is the anthem. He was pretty much flag-burning there, in my opinion. Negaraku...ku? Oh. Come on, have a little class. The 5am morning call's really just a fact of this country. It has been here and will always be here because demmit, over 60% of the population of this country ARE Muslims, say what you will. And third, had he thought of the consequences? The "Please don't sue me, I've got no money" disclaimer in the end was funny, but now we're talking facing the law and fines and embarassment and shame to his family here. His parents forced to go on newspapers and entertain those oily politicians and apologize on his behalf...had he thought of that while he was having a blast in Taiwan?
And with the forthcoming elections, we can be sure to being treated to the slick maneuvres and hypocripsy of these politicians trying to prove how 'capable' they are and winning the voters' hearts. I guess all I'm saying is, I not stupid. And yes, I'm cynical.
On a last note, noticed how this 50th Merdeka month, there are so much less flags flying on cars and buildings? Its jarring to see a flag flying on a vehicle than not and I remember years ago they used to give out free flags at toll plazas. So, what happened? Budget better used on more duit kopi? Or is it saying something about how Malaysians are feeling in general?
Food for thought.
Yes, yes. I am Malaysian. I love Malaysia. I just gotta think, at this moment, of why. Cos apart from nasi lemak and my friends and family, I really don't know why anymore. And could I, do I want to do something to change that? Be part of a paradigm shift and reformation, or skip the country entirely? Both are so much easier said than done.
Happy Merdeka, Malaysia.
Oh yes, I blog. Maybe, soon, one day, in very near future, my blog will be scrutinised by my government, and God forbid if I said anything seditious, because then someone will be knocking at my door and taking me away for two weeks with no access to a lawyer and have my poor computer, modem and hard drive consficated and what will I do if they found my entire porn collection?
The talks of tightening the reins of blogging or expressing of opinions raise heckles. Internet is, and remains, the only freeflow avenue for my fellow Malaysians to say what they feel and rest assured, they will be heard. Not that I agree people should just say what they want, because we're all born with logic and I am still optimistic that we are all good and rational and with the right faculty and nurtured with the right tools, we all can criticise constructively, bla bla bla...but curtailing our freedom is absolutely ridiculous and if anything, will be a surefire way to invite unwanted international attention on the oppression of Malaysians and the freedom of expression. Yay, Malaysia!
Also, rationally, who's to say what makes a good blog and what makes an offending blog? Say, if I'm unhappy with a policy, and wrote it here, would that lump me together with Jeff Ooi? So how will they work out whose blog to ban and who can blog? How is that fair to everyone? Why would some blogs be banned for seemingly innocuous entries and some blogs with inflammatory comments be allowed to continue? And, why should bloggers be held responsible for comments left on their blogs by random people who had two cents and wanted to put it there? That's akin to A knocking into B's car which was parked nicely at the curb. Would you blame B for parking his car there and therefore vulnerable to being hit by an idiotic kopi-license holder?
And it curdles my blood further to hear PSAs on radio channels telling people what are blogs and what (not) to write and about responsibility and maintaining peace (status quo).
*Perky voiceover* "This public service message is brought to you by iTalk!" */perky voiceover*
I say, screw that.
Yes, yes. These past few weeks has been quite an emotional ride for me. It is also the end of Week 12 of 14 of this unmentionably horrific-please-be-over semester.
Dress code. More specifically, our new FAS Dean's new dress code. For the very rational reason of there being construction work (and therefore a nest of immigrant labourers) right outside our miserable, small and smelly faculty, female students are asked to wear more 'cloth' and because there were strangers entering and stealing stuff or harassing students in our faculty, we are all told to wear our name tags.
Here I am, thinking those uniform-and-nametag-and-white-shoes days are over. And then I turn and some balding DSA officer smiled saccharinely and grabbed my nametag and lanyard from my hands right outside the ICT where I just returned the LCD and projector and told me "You're not wearing your nametag; follow me". Blood boiled, I saw fire hot red and grabbed my nametag back not-too-gently and walked away. Question is, WHY. We can produce our nametags if you ask us (nicely). We do not need officers entering lecture halls asking to see this student or that for not wearing tags and interrupting the lecture, undermining the lecturer's authority, distrupting class and generally leaving a bad taste in everyone's mouth, or having them taken in the computer labs cos we left them beside us on our desks. If we can login to the computers, you can be damned sure we are fellow students who faithfully paid our fees and your salary for our education.
Then couple days later with a handful of files and an obvious fuck-I'm-late harriedness, I grabbed my nametag, shoved it in front of the security guard's face and ran in.
"OI! WOI! Pakai nametag!"
Yell at me like that 9.34am as my first human-to-human interaction of the day? By a security guard?
*insert obscenity here*
Ruined my day. Totally ruined it.
I'm feeling rather oppressed and caged and angry. Some of it has nothing to do with anything but being caged and angry, and stressed and frustrated over circumstances I cannot change and will have to learn to live and let live (or go).
On top of it was the NaMaWee (sp?) Negarakuku phenomenon. Look, he spoke from the very hearts of the Chinese-oriented people of this country and every single thing he rapped, we have said or heard of before. Really, nothing new there. The bribe-taking police force? The slow and steady government servants? The getting education overseas so that we can come back and contribute scheme? Check. Check. Check. I agree. Someone has spoken.
And yet...I lament the use of our national anthem. Sure, it made a huge impact and got all the attention he wanted, but look, the anthem is the anthem. He was pretty much flag-burning there, in my opinion. Negaraku...ku? Oh. Come on, have a little class. The 5am morning call's really just a fact of this country. It has been here and will always be here because demmit, over 60% of the population of this country ARE Muslims, say what you will. And third, had he thought of the consequences? The "Please don't sue me, I've got no money" disclaimer in the end was funny, but now we're talking facing the law and fines and embarassment and shame to his family here. His parents forced to go on newspapers and entertain those oily politicians and apologize on his behalf...had he thought of that while he was having a blast in Taiwan?
And with the forthcoming elections, we can be sure to being treated to the slick maneuvres and hypocripsy of these politicians trying to prove how 'capable' they are and winning the voters' hearts. I guess all I'm saying is, I not stupid. And yes, I'm cynical.
On a last note, noticed how this 50th Merdeka month, there are so much less flags flying on cars and buildings? Its jarring to see a flag flying on a vehicle than not and I remember years ago they used to give out free flags at toll plazas. So, what happened? Budget better used on more duit kopi? Or is it saying something about how Malaysians are feeling in general?
Food for thought.
Yes, yes. I am Malaysian. I love Malaysia. I just gotta think, at this moment, of why. Cos apart from nasi lemak and my friends and family, I really don't know why anymore. And could I, do I want to do something to change that? Be part of a paradigm shift and reformation, or skip the country entirely? Both are so much easier said than done.
Happy Merdeka, Malaysia.
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