*Screams and waves like a monkey gone bananas*
Ever been paralysed by stress, fear and anxiety?
Here I am!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry, didn't mean to go loony. Just that, well, week 13 of 14 of Year 3 Semester 1 is more than half over, I've got two more presentations before I can sigh for relief for a couple days, and these presentations are going to freak the shit out of me. Creative Strategy for Advertising under Lim Soo Jin's been a total stresshole. I know that man's intention is good, and that he does the whole tough love thing where he's being brutal and held high expectations so that we go beyond our usual and perform the best we could, but. The whole anxiety of waiting, waiting, waiting for him to slaughter us verbally is a pretty miserable time.
Exams loom, and I fear so much about not being able to maintain my GPA. Sure it's pretty great right now, but not good enough. Not good enough at all. And after this semester it WILL go down. After that, what? I know deep down I WANT to graduate with first class honours...who doesn't? But if it slips out of my grasp...bye scholarships, bye financial aid...bye dreams?
LSE's prospectus arrived and I saw a 2-year Masters programme ...Global Media and Communication and you know, I want it. I want it so bad. London. I will be eating air and drinking tap water for a year but. Yeah, yea. I know. I gotta believe. That I'm good enough, that I can. That it's okay to suck the life-savings out of my dad. I'm trying.
On top of that, the whole weight losing thing...Amelia's right. It will never be enough. I'm so near my first goal now, and I'm so tired, and I've gotta be on my guard all the time, and yet I'm pushing the bar lower. It was a few pounds more and now it's 10lbs more. Then I'll maintain. I know, sure, I look so much better now, but it's never going to be enough. I look in the mirror, and I compare with my peers, and I feel thick and big. That I still need to buy local Ls. That in people's eyes I will still look fat. And that I squeeze my middle and I can feel the love handles.
The motivation burns as bright as ever, but I slip and feel guilty and so tired...it's ridiculous because I feel guilty whenever I eat. I used to read about girls feeling guilty for eating a fried egg, but now I really truly know what food guilt is. I used to be able to eat mindlessly, now I still love my food as ever, but post-meal, gawd, the guilt. It's a bitch being a girl who cares about what people think of her. It's a bitch being a female, period.
I'm going to have an anxiety attack, I think.
Wise men say, only fools rush...
One step at a time.
Oh I've forgotten to add on my last post, watch Thank You for Smoking. Uses logic and rationale to influence people to smoke. Moral flexibility. Proving someone wrong meant you're right. Arguments, not negotiations make people win. BRILLIANT for critical thinking.