Guilt

Time: 02:32

I wasn't going to blog...I know, I know, but I've gotten lazy.

In light of the missing girl and the sexually assaulted and murdered girl case, (If you don't know about it click here, here and here) there are many PSAs on the radio lately warning and reminding parents to look after their kids and never ever leave them alone and let them wander off in public areas.

It's a knee-jerk response, I know, but...it reminds me of something that happened years ago.

It was 1995 before the family went to Australia for autumn and we were shopping for winter clothing in Sogo. I remember my brother (I was 9, he was 6) and I were at the toys department and I was admiring Barbie dolls on my own for quite a while when my mom found me and asked for my brother. He was missing.

My dad...he told me it's my fault, there and then. That my brother has been abducted and that his limbs will be cut off and he'll be made to beg in Thailand. And it was all my fault. I burst out crying. My mom was angry at my dad for saying that to me, I remember, but she was more concerned about looking for him and went to the ground floor info counter. Some girl found my brother outside Sogo's main entrance and sent him to the info counter. All was well.

But...when missing kids like Nurin and Yin appear on the newspapers, that incident comes back to haunt me. I remember how vulnerable and small and innocent my brother was. Technically, I was innocent. What was a 9-year-old supposed to do? My brother was looking at Lego and I was looking at Barbie dolls. He wandered downstairs when he couldn't see my parents. If my dad never uttered those things to me, maybe I won't feel as bad.

But I do. And I'll always carry that guilt. It's not right, but I'll always remember the "all your fault" part. Missing kids always make me sad. And guilty.

willpower

Time: 12:08


I'm home from the very last class of this semester. Has it been 14 weeks already? There wasn't much time to breath; this semester was really THAT hectic and terrifying. There were so many moments when I felt like everything's sliding down a 90 degree chute and there's nothing I can do to stop it.

And then I managed to by the scruff of the neck and then hold on.

Weight loss update: At the beginning of this semester, I vowed to lose 10kg by the end of it. 14 weeks on, I'm down just that :D. In fact I've already pushed my goal to another few kgs down, but I am taking this moment to savour the pain and satisfaction of it. I feel good. Of course I do. Then again, I've gone lazy and went to the gym a lot less and I guess it'll never be enough. That I felt it's starting to pay off, but nowhere near the perfection I wanted. And to everyone who ooh and aah-ed and asked what did I do...it was a lot of exercise, diet and willpower, y'all. There are just no secrets. I was driven to do this out of sheer desperation, mainly to fit in. I've got other intentions of course, but not all of them are good either. And I'm going to tell you one thing: If Pui Yee can do it? SO CAN YOU.

Because I'm not the most motivated, dilligent, disciplined person. And I've came pretty far, haven't I? I hope so.

The world felt at this moment like it's on my grasp, that I'm on the verge of great, exciting things, and I'm standing on a cliff, hesitating to take the plunge. And I'm paralysed by fears and uncertainties.

I should concentrate on exams. Right now all I'm worried about is my GPA. I need to maintain it so bad, so bad. *Hyperventilates*