Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Love thing

I don't know how much it takes, or how well you need to know a person to jump into relationships.

I know I've always and constantly and annoyingly bemoaned my singlehood status, but I've lived the lifestyle, and lived it well. And I hesitate to leave it behind, because of all the 'opportunities' I feel like I'm missing out on if I stopped. Just do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and meet many, many guys. I'm tired of all the random meets though, as nothing comes out of anything up to this point. I crave stability and a constant supply of cuddles.

And then it all turns topsy-turvy.

But the one burning question is: what does it take, that magic that's needed for me to envision a relationship. I know I've chatted about connection and chemistry with someone lately, and personally felt that I really need to connect, and this is beyond physical attraction, for me to be really attracted to someone. Someone I can trade not only anecdotes and mini-amusing-stories of my life, but also share deep, profound, meaningful conversations with. Someone I felt like there'll be enough there to sustain a huge commitment with. Basically someone I can talk about my fears, insecurities, reasons and thoughts about openly, and him me. Stories of my past and what made me, me. Part of it is my fault; I've stopped being open and honest and direct. I wish I know how to open the lines of communication.

Right now I am so torn.

I want to do the right thing. To be fair. I know I've always rushed things in the past, and knowing better now, I want to be more aware and have no hurt parties. I've been told I'd be a fool for not grabbing an opportunity (and a decent bloke). I'm just overthinking it and scared. I've gotten hurt. Faith in men isn't exactly very high. Met complete twats. And all that. So I hesitate to trust and just go with things.

Yeah I'm a crazy, crazy girl (Marcia's words).

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