You know when I'm silent on my blog, it meant major major emotional rollercoasters are happening to me and I hardly jot them down (yes, even that 8-month lapse!) because it's just too raw, hurtful and sudden to put into perspective. I've gone from an angst-ridden, must-express-everything teenager to someone older, perhaps slightly ever wiser thoughts-wise, if not action-wise.
The last two months had been so difficult, so so difficult. Suddenly the "I'm right, you're wrong" black-and-white dichotomy is not so clear anymore, everything's fuzzy around the edges. The hurt put onto me one after another left me wailing and in tears, in physical pain more than once, but I gotta rise from that and go on with life. Sometimes I wish I can push a rewind button. So many times I woke up and remembered dreams of reconciliation. Then I remembered why my heart hardened. Then I was reminded painfully I was pushed away, deleted out of existence. So there I stay.
Then life presented me with another challenge...and this time its even closer to heart. I felt manipulated, at my wit's end, angry. I'm not a kid anymore, I'm financially helpless at the moment, but I'm trying pretty hard to find jobs and be independent in all senses. I found myself quiet and deep in thought walking through the snow and holding hands with my boyfriend, in a pantomime, while watching movies, and in general situations. My head's too filled up with too many what-ifs, and too much fear. I've been worried and worried and worried for a while now.
Right now I can't see the big picture. I truly felt like I belonged to no where, to no one. Maybe it's just me being stuck in my own paranoia, but it's like I can no longer go home because I'm unwanted. I want to stay here, but for how long? After 2 years, and then what? I still have to pack and leave. A hand reached out from inside my brain to smack me (this is metaphorically, of course) and told me to think optimistically: Even if I only stayed here for 2 years for work (plus the year of masters), it's still a very enriching 3 years of my young life. And come on, surely I can see how much better that is to nothing at all?
But I am desperate for a paying job, not just because I want financial security, but I am experiencing an alarming need for..homing. I want to own a place of my own! *Alarm alarm alarm* But, but...mortgages! I want a dog! But, but...15-years' responsibility! I want to buy gadgets for my kitchen, and all those nice things to put on my bedroom walls/bathroom appliances/cabinets...oh my God, I want furniture! I told some friends, the day I purchase a piece of furniture gotta be the day I commit myself to something. And funnily I'm not too afraid of that right now. My fear is not to be able to do that.
I guess I really am getting older, and I just really want a nice place to call my own. But how do I get from Point A to Point B? I've been told to practice self-fulfilling prophecy thoughts: If I'm convinced I will get a job, I will and vice versa. And I need something to fill in my time, and Tim suggested I start a food blog or something like that...perhaps I will consider that. Yes. I need a direction in life, but I cannot expect it to appear from nowhere, it's gotta come from me.
So, hey myself, stop being a sap and think about practical things. And be happy. *smack smack smack*
Happy New Year everyone, another year another story.
Ah how time flies.