Monday, December 27, 2010

Season's Greetings and all that...

...yes, some down time after a few mind-numbingly frantic months, and currently I'm doing nowt that can be counted as substantially productive.

How can this be that I'm now this sloth-like person with not much motivation or zest for life, and life is work, weekend, work, weekend, rinse and repeat?

Where's that sense of adventure and curiousity?

Hibernation and awaiting financing. That's what.

Money is the biggest obstacle...that, and dragging a less wander-lusty boy about.

That being said, I'm off to Newcastle to see Shean tomorrow, and to get some dimsum down my parched throat.

A hilarious little nugget meanwhile: I bought a HTC Desire off Amazon late in Nov, and as we all know, England was crippled by the earlier heavy snow and cold weather, I mean, granted I was here to witness it all afterall it was perishingly cold (cannot forget that one morning I waited in -13C temperatures for my lift to work), and the seller, for reasons unknown, decided to send it a few days late, AFTER the heavy snowfall. Result?

My phone never arrived.

After some amiable 'how now?' and 'oh nos' with the seller, I got my refund and before Christmas even arrived, my hands itched and went click, click, click. I checked on other HTC Desires on offer on Amazon again. I really really craved it, I wanted a smartphone for what must've been a year now only to wait and wait, and when I finally bought one, I wanted it there and then. I so nearly had it as well, but no, it's still stuck in some depot somewhere (or perhaps it's in the warm hands of a postie, I don't know), so with the refund I went ahead and ordered another one. Emailed the seller to please send it tracked. He replied by saying, no, not sending the phone to Nigeria unless he's been paid.


But it was just a small misunderstanding, he had people trying to con him, and all's good. He sent it tracked the next day, and here's me thinking, oh with the Christmas rush (it was only 2 days before Christmas), I best send it to the office (safer), plus it'll only arrive way after Christmas, right?


It arrived on Christmas Eve. The first day I was off work. That night, I checked the tracking, and kicked myself. Because now the earliest I could get it would be Wednesday when the office reopens, which was then 4 days away. But nooo, Wednesday I'm in Newcastle! I'm only back in York Thursday afternoon, late. I have a window of an hour and half to take a bus to the office to retrieve my phone. Would it be worth the effort?

I think so.

So Thursday I'll go to the office even though I'm clearly still on leave.


Apologies, that little nugget of a story wasn't so little now, huh.


You know, with 2010 nearly done and dusted now, I feel so much less sentimental than I used to be to see a passing year. In fact, a lot of things changed, but a year's just another year.

My brain these days is slightly muddled and murky, like, I have no clear thoughts or even attempted to clear my thoughts. It's just one day to another. But also, I cannot deny this: I am sad. I don't know over what, but a blanket of sadness and worry covers my head and torments me almost every night. I think I'm just worried about the future, or rather, about having no future.

I want to be happy, but that's so hard to achieve.

I don't feel sexy, or pretty, or good about myself, because I don't have the self-belief, or confidence.

I don't feel intelligent, or knowledgeable, or wise, because I don't have the answers.

And this place is very difficult a place for me to be in.

Maybe this is truly the first time in my life that I don't feel secure because there's no beginning and end to look forward to, like finishing school, or graduating, or finishing a contract? Not many friends here, although I'm so grateful and so blessed with a couple of friends yet that I can still talk with sometimes...

I know now for a fact that I've lost certain people, and I thought I'd come to terms with it, but like ghosts and phantoms, they resurrect and haunt, and I'm still learning the art of letting go. Love is truly a strange thing, both to give and to receive.

Like I said, I've not analysed this properly on purpose. I've not written down my thoughts, or anchored it with anything.

I don't need more thinking, you see. I need new interests, and faith.

And a bit more money.


1 comment:

gianne said...

... you wrote that in such an aching and honest way.


It's going to be tough, but hang on.

Stir up your schedules a little. Wander around the city and get lost if you must (but keep your phone with you ya! and when it doesnt freeze your butt off). Do something that scares you a little; it could be standing up to that bastard queue-cutter or doing something that you've never dared to. Write down what makes you happy and do it.

Don't fret about not knowing the answers... most of us don't either.