Ranting

Sometimes I could rage and rage.
Sometimes just want to bend over double and sob.
Sometimes I feel just numb.

I hate office politics.

Stressing, obsessing

I think I'm obsessing a little here. I've been having it messing my head since late afternoon and despite the discovery of an awesome new blog I'm still just replaying the incident over and over and over in my mind. Again.

It was an okay day at work. Busy, but not crazily so. And in my scale these days 'crazy busy' meant days I enjoy a 20-minute heated lunch downstairs and jump straight back to work, finally realise I better have a wee because holding it in is starting to hurt and it finally registers, and I don't have time to sneak a peek at my personal emails or Facebook at all, and I vaguely hear the beep of people logging off their phones at 5.30pm and then realise it's the end of the day. Yep, technically I have a 9am-5.30pm day job and I don't work beyond those hours (mostly) but what I (think I) do in those hours would be nearly herculean in quantities.

I don't know if the quality suffers but I can say this: something's gotta give, I don't know what it is, but I don't think it'll take long to find out.

Not when an email's enough to send me to sobbing in the loo or I'm just angry all the time and numb about the rest of my non-work life because the anger at work is cathartic and all I'm left with outside work is a person I register as 'me', just drained with a couldn't-be-bothered outlook.

No holidays planned? Who cares.
No money to do anything anyway? Oh well.
The rabbit did a binkie! Woop.
The neighbour upstairs is running his thumping washing machine for the xth number of time today. Yeah whatever.
Birthday coming up in a week. Oh yeah but it's still so cold outside.

You know what I mean?

By the way, an ok day meant I actually had time to make a May to-do list (ever growing), some training to the new person, run around a couple of meetings, go have a discussion with someone on the sales floor (and wait while he hangs about on the phone) and maybe a lunchtime supermarket run.

I have so, so many things to say about work, but don't want to infringe myself or get in trouble. But basically the most basic facts are:

• I work in a team of three.
• We lost our 3rd person at the start of Feb.
• We just recruited our new 3rd person mid-April.
• I'm not the team leader.
• My team leader gets shoved with work that normally does not sit with us and this pushed the daily tasks (for three) to me and I flew solo with as much assistance as I can bolsh off of my team leader and we somehow managed to negotiate the last couple of months.
• The work for my team leader did not stop coming to him so consequently the training of our new person got left to me and I somehow missed the memo and did not realise this until I voice out the 'Hang on..but...'
• And at the end of April I realise this: My job now consists of 3 major things: Daily tasks, contracts work and training of new person.
• I can do any 2 of those 3 things. I cannot do all 3, not on my own. But I just have to suck it up and roll with it.

But dya know what?

I think I'm cracking. :(

I don't like showing too much weakness at work because it's all about raising my profile and showing (the right) people I am competent. And most days I don't leave work thinking I could've done better. I swear (to the new gods and old) I do the darndest best I can within the limitations I work in and in the time I am allocated.


Sometimes I take a shortcut or two, but fuck me, it's about working efficiently or is it not?
I think I'm allowed.

I try to shove back some of the responsibilities to the people who try to fob them off to us. Because when they go 'Hello Team', at the moment there's no 'team', there's me masquerading as 'team'. So without imploring to their kindness, I ask them if they are ok sorting out what they should be anyway, and I'll smooth out the edges and forward them on to the right people and try to get the right responses back. Sometimes I lose track of what I've done for whom, but that's what 'Inbox' and 'Sent' are for, right? And end of the day what I assist them with get them the numbers and targets and bonuses and whatever. Me? I go home end of every month with my modest salary and not a penny more. Although I feel compelled to mention people do thank me with Easter chocolates and the odd bottle of wine or two. You have no idea how appreciated I feel when I get given things like that. Not because I expected them, but they usually come from people for whom you think, 'But I was just doing my job! I didn't do much at all for you and certainly didn't think what I did was above and beyond...!'

Don't get me started on people who think we were employed solely into their service and who think we should be at their beck and call. Bad enough to be the bottom feeders, but these people expect us to do all their donkey jobs for them and do it with a cheerful 'yes ma'am!' and will tell you off for being sarky. What do you get from these people? No-effing-thing. If you get so much as a 'cheers mate' you should go out and buy the lottery, like, now.

So yes. I bloody well thought I've been doing ok coping with the workload and all so why do I let one email (and this happened more than once) ruin my entire evening? It came at the end of the workday, questioning my 'logic' of forwarding on something 'without checking'. How in the effing world do I know what needs checking when all I can think off when I open the document was '?!?!!!!????'. Without being given so much of an explanation or any information about the content of the document, I get told off that the document came back needing changing. Suddenly it's my fault and the rest of the email insinuated that I've been incompetent.

I was really, really upset.

I am already trying to make the best out of the situation, thinking if I just accept that I need to train the new person and do all the jobs meanwhile it will eventually look good for me anyway.

But this is the scary bit for me. I know the more I train the more work the new person could do, but that means taking time away from all the 'urgent fucking urgent' emails I have to attend do. So what do I frigging do?! What decisions should I take? Why isn't there a voice in my head telling me what to do!?

And then there's that little niggling in me thinking I'm being taken for a ride and no one (of importance) will even notice and I can only wonder if I can rise through the ranks of seniority or management or stay forever in my teeny role.

I'm upset because all my holding things together gets undone by a single person sending a single email in the many we receive daily.

I'm upset I let this upset me.

I'm upset knowing tomorrow I still have a big to-do and I just remembered I need to do my appraisals and how the hell am I going to achieve that.

When I was younger I imagined myself a successful careerwoman jetsetting around the world.

Now knowing what needs to be done to realise this 'successful career', I just want to win the lottery and not need to work and then moan about it in a blog.

I'm upset I don't have time to wee at work because of all the 'urgent' things people want me to do for them.

You know what's urgent? When someone's dying in front of you, jeez.
Not when you're off for a holiday in Florida tomorrow and just conveniently want 6 different departments to tie up all your loose ends for you that became urgent because you sat on them for days.

Bloody hell, what a moan-y cow I am.

Many successful lawyers, accountants and doctors are probably sniggering at this post thinking what's my workday compared to theirs.

Late but better than..

Last night (and Fri) if I had the ability to face a screen for hours and could muster the energy to switch on my laptop, this would've been what I'd written:

I've been having a really, REALLY sore left elbow for a couple of weeks now. The doc said I have tennis elbow (I know! I don't even play tennis!) and I can't even go back to the doc unless I start dropping things due to lack of grip/strength. I really don't want to drop things. Meanwhile, my elbow continues to be sore. On top of my sore elbow...

I have a left pink eye. I've not been the cleanest person with my contacts, but this one really bit me in the proverbial ass. My left eye was so red and swollen I was embarassed to look anyone in the eye at work. It was agony looking at my computer screen for hours at a time. And my right eye was starting to show signs of being cross-infected. I had an oozy eye for a couple of days which has now thankfully reduced to being teary and light-sensitive.

My periodic regular ulcer/canker sore attacks were back with a vengeance. I frantically applied Iglu to the ones I can reach but there's nothing I could do about the gargantuan canker sore at the tip of my uvula.

And the icing on the cake is I was also on my period.

I was a very, very happy bunny.

This bunny really wanted wants to get away from the world.

The wants and needs

So want a cat and a dog...my womb pines and pines for them.

Thank goodness the same cannot be said for a real human baby.

While the idea appeals insofar that a baby would be an amalgamation of The Boy and me and I want to know who it'd look like,that's where the desire ends. I do not want to pay for it. I do not want to raise it. I do not want the responsibility, heartache and exhaustion associated with child-rearing.

And I rather pay for new clothes than baby food. 'nuff said.

Cat/dog though...

Patience.

One day I will be stable enough for that.

Soon!

Taking advice

Honestly.

If I seek advice I'd ask.

I do not need offhand remarks to suck it up.

And at the same time I do not need to feel judged.

For my choices in life.

For sucking it up and getting on with it.


(Or is it that I've grown such a streak of independence.

And cannot accept criticisms of any kind.

They bring me right back to my younger days.

When I do not like being told what to do.

I like to believe I have cultivated.

The moral compass and the judgement.

To know right from wrong.)

Dear Faith and Fate,

I know I’ve asked of you two things recently.

Maybe I wasn’t sincere enough.

Maybe it was too much bargain-like.

Maybe it’s because I’ve not been giving enough and trusting enough and believing enough, that I came to you only in times of need.

So maybe I have no right to ask at all.

Much less expect.

I’ll leave it up to you, Wise One.

I cannot See, so I just have to accept.

*Knock knock*

*Pssst*

Hello you.

I'm still here.

Still alive.

I've left the world of blogging in favour of privacy. Life became a little monotonous, despite the changes heaped on me over the past year. Because I'm still..here.

It's been one big year.

I'll talk about it one day. Maybe.

Meanwhile, just a shout out to say that boo-boo I made in my last post, nearly a year ago? Ah it didn't matter.