Friday, December 21, 2007

Another lesson forward

Time: 23:49


2007 has been eventful.
If I am to start listing it out...
It will be a long, long blog, plus well, I'm lazy and am stingy with my thoughts now.

To cut a long story short, it's the year I lost close to 20kg; the year I had a fallout with my collegemates, and didn't bother to pick it up; the year I found love, and yes, lost it too.

Eight months... it's not such a long time, but I guess it's not fair to measure time against feelings. It was sweet. I felt loved, right til the end, the ultimate betrayal. I blamed myself; why was I such a fool, why did I let the wall I've built crumble down, why did I go too deep when I've told myself not to, that it may well end before it begun. I did.

I told myself I was such a fool, over and over, til someone said, "No, you're being human." I micro-analysed, I went through every possible detail for signs. He was so good, he let on nothing. Either that I was so blinded. But I wouldn't change a thing. Because I still believed he is a good person, who made a very selfish decision.

I learnt a lot. About the person I am, and can be. I am a taker, a selfish, mean, inconsiderate person. Yet, I never knew I had such a capacity to give, and to love. I eschewed status, physical contact, security and held back from making demands, because I know he would've provided them if he had the ability to. He gave me a sense of being wanted and loved, a bolster against all the guys out there who didn't want me as a fat chick. It didn't matter what other people think; I have someone who loved me.

And then I lost that. I was hurt, and confused. I sobbed. Was I not good enough, could there be things I didn't do that I could have, is there something wrong with me. To my chagrin, I sold my pride and gave up my ego. I chased after an answer, hell bent on an explanation, a reason for me to cry to. A security blanket have been lifted up from me prematurely; I didn't know how to face myself, how to face the cold world and to go back to society as the new me. I know now why people in love resort to desperate measure to go after what they wanted. Love is dangerous, but the only way to experience it is to give freely.

I talked to everyone, sometimes saying things out of anger and sadness. And then the question came, "Was it worth all the pain in the end?"

One guy built me up, tore me down. Single-handedly. It still feel so raw, the wounds so fresh, but I smiled. Yeah. Yes, I wouldn't have changed that. The only regret I have is all those empty promises. The promise never to hurt me intentionally. The promise to be honest. The promise to be there. The promise of him. Once in a while, I hope he feel rotten and lousy for what he did. But maybe one day I may be able to tell him it's been one hell of a ride.

Oh well, it doesn't matter anymore. Whether I want to or not, I will learn to walk forward again.

We had a reunion dinner of sorts, and I told someone the conversation will revolve around weight and looks. That the skinny girls will start beating themselves up saying "I'm fat, I need to lose weight". And I was right, as usual. This time, I felt contempt. Their eyeballing me don't make me feel good; it was shallow, hollow and meaningless. I've truly learnt the lesson that the body doesn't make the person. I am who I am. I know now there are men out there who will accept me as I am, and possibly make me happy.

There's a funny quote I saw: If you can't handle me at worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

To be honest, I'm alternating between feeling okay, and feeling sad and alone. But never lonely, because I know I am loved. I have friends, and I can't begin to express my gratitude to them for coming through for me, even across the world. It will take time, but the wounds will heal. Maybe I'm still stinging, but it will take a while for me before I start trusting men again. Who knows, maybe one day it'll be my turn to get lucky once more.

Ling tak hei, fong tak tai.
(Picking it up, and putting it down)

5 comments:

tzewurn said...

hey, wat u r feeling now are I'm going through too.. Love seriously hurts, doesn't it?
The wounds will heal, so let us stand strong and go through it together ya!

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suanie said...

sedihnyer baca :(

meatbag said...

Burp.

Jade Dancinginthe Moonlight said...

Hey, love what you wrote~~ You go girl, the stars will shine one you, Trust me!~
Cause if you been there, you embrace the feelings and you let go, that is part of life.;-))