Sometimes it feels like I have a lot to say, but don't know where to start.
Other times it's lidah kelu...like my brain's filled with vapid nothingless and I struggle to form intelligible thoughts.
Opening my folder full of songs I downloaded since 1998(?) and playing them in the middle of the night have that effect on me - melancholy, loneliness and hopelessness.
But all's okay, I will not wake up tomorrow morning sad. Still...that effect...
How has January came and gone? Perhaps it rated high above as one of the most challenging months for me yet - emotionally and mentally. With the 50-60 job applications I sent and nothing positive back, I have every reason to self-doubt, self-question and let resolution and confidence slip right through the door. In short, I've never felt so, well, rejected, in my life. Still, its just another life lesson: learn to take it astride and get on with it, no?
I woke up this morning with so much doubt and worry on my mind, it took me awhile to plaster on a smile and chase them ugly thoughts away. Everything felt like it's been put on hold, that my state of happiness is fleeting and temporary and hinges on something more tangible. And that tangibility is placed on one thing: Getting a (decent) job so that I can get on with the order of earning some money. But it's also a certain motivation within me to give back what I've learnt and apply it in real-life circumstances and to have it enrich my life, and learn more somehow, this time in practice. I am ready for the next chapter but it feels like there's a stretch yet before I can turn the page.
But, what is it? The economy? The fact that I'm foreign? My lack of experience in the job market here? My (lack of) education? Something I'm not doing right with my CV or covering letters? I don't know, and I wish I do know so that I can start improving, y'know? I'm seized by so many panicky moments that one day soon I'd have to pack and leave, then I'd segue to a strong determination to stay, and then hopelessness from not being able to get a job. I think I've cornered myself and perhaps it's not the right mindframe. There's always agencies though it'll be last-ditch option. There's many options I've not even begun to explore. I just need to remind myself to keep an open mind and eye, to be careful of my spending and to keep, keep positive. I know I am good (or at least not bad) and I just need to open that door, that opportunity to prove I can. It's frustrating but I'll get my day in the sun. Somehow. By hook or by crook.
It's not like I don't have anything to do meanwhile...job applications can take hours at a time. I've just procured the entire Harry Potter book set for under £12 (had a headstart by being given 2 for free) and finishing the 2nd book now, and picked up a Marketing Communications book from Sheffield Hallam library and going through it as well. And there's the foodblog I've started but filled with nary a thing. I'm also reading foodblogs by the bowlful and picking up recipes from Appetite for China and Rasa Malaysia and a bunch of others. There's walks to Heeley City Farm and to town to pick up this and that with Tim. And when all else fail, there's iplayer and 4oD. It's just frustrating that money (or the lack of) severely limits what I can do. But bright side: I'm thoroughly enjoying my Potter books, and surprisingly enjoying the Marketing Comm book too - I didn't realise how much I learnt in my undergrad years were related to Marketing Comm as a whole (though doh, it was a Communications degree) and what we were taught in Advertising also relates to Marketing. I'm happiest when I'm mentally stimulated, the geek that I am. So I feel a lot more fulfilled that I have been for days...Tim is now actively 'correcting' my enunciation (and sometimes pronunciation!) so my English English (as opposed to Malaysian English) is improving, and oh not to mention I have some cleaning up to do before Chinese New Year and there's the pleasant thoughts of what to make for New Year's Eve (braised pork belly and turmeric stir-fried cabbage?), and the thought of hanging my face over a bowl of steaming, creamy and spicy curry laksa from a small-alley Malaysian coffeeshop couple weeks from now in London is making me feel distinctively buoyant.
Perhaps there's a thing or two I could also mention, but I'm ever so slightly superstitious and I don't wanna jinx myself. So cross fingers and wish me good luck please? And I'll tell when there's good news. Promise.