Tuesday, February 26, 2008


Time: 03:30

I'm actually beyond exhausted. In fact I feel lightheaded. It seemed like a permanent thing now, and I credit that to the lack of sleep. I feel cold too. It seemed so constant that I go everywhere with a jumper now.

But there are thoughts that filled my mind and they make me anxious, depressed and emo. As of lately, I've reconsidered some of my thought processes and perception. It's wrong to say I'm unhappy; rather, there are causes to that unhappiness and I have no one to blame except myself, and unless I'm exposed to these causes, I'm really actually fine.

But I reiterate. I felt lost and that life is mediocre. Perhaps what someone told me is true: that I am seeking a meaning. To my own existence, to my life, to my relationship with people, a meaning to my very being. I've had the chance to think again, to dig up old Ethics note and ramble on about Rawls and his Natural State. To talk about Kant and Categorical Imperative, and I thrived. I've had that awful realisation at the beginning of this semester that I don't read enough. If I compare my knowledge to a Poli-Sci student from say UK or US, I'd crawl into a hole in shame. I crave knowledge, and the more I learn, the more I realise how much I really do not know.

I can't be intense all the time, to debate or think. It's mentally draining. (I'm vain! I like clothes! And Grey's Anatomy! And Josh Duhamel is soooo hot!) But I liked to throw thoughts back and forth. It makes me feel alive, heard. I know I lack that sort of interaction unless I'm with a certain group of friends. And with Dr Carmen's Critical Thinking Circle, I've found a new venue for that.

Lately, it struck me that perhaps I went to university too early. I was naivé and trusting, arrogant and judgmental. I had my yardstick, and I compared everything to my strict, self-perceived logic. And I was uncompromising. Betrayal upon betrayal hurt me. I feel insecure and vulnerable, and that racked me with self-doubt. I was a wreck. My daily interactions were shaped by fear and suspicion. And now after learning this much about myself, I feel that I've matured a little bit more. And I felt that I've moved just a little further. That I've outgrown the pace I'm in now. I'm ready to move onto the next level. Hopefully as a better person than I was. And I accept that I'll always be different, and I'll always be in the minority. I feel alone but not lonely. In this walk, I'm not solitary, there will be lone walkers, just like me.

Yes. I'm growing up. And out.

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