Wednesday, February 06, 2008

The silence reigns

Time: 14:09

It's so weird. I know it's been like that for a while now. I've been like that. I've just completely stopped talking about my life, or write much about it. I haven't written anything proper or random since forever. My last pictures were from Bangkok, and that was last May. How can this be?

I'm inclined to blame Facebook. Afterall, why bother with Photobucket when Facebook uploads much faster, and friendlier?

But I guess that's not really an excuse for not writing. My thesis is still hanging. I've slacked. Let myself fall into the gutter of complacency and mediocrity. I fear so much of stumbling and falling at the finishing line, but I've lost the will to pick things up where I drop them.

What on earth has (have?) happened to me?

I guess it's really cos I don't think there's a lot of interesting things to put here. Sure, little incidents are worth etching into my memory as being memorably memorable, but they're all regular things, you know? Things that I'm not sure people who reads my blog will be interested in. I don't remember days and dates, names, places and incidents anymore.

I realise that lately I've started to internalise my feelings, which is something new. Everyone who knows Puiyee, knows she's got a big mouth and an inability to keep things to herself. I guess this is a worthy lesson: to shut up and speak no evil. I see the horror of watching my words and intentions twisted and changed, and there's nothing I can do to rectify it. I'm not innocent; I've spoken. How they're interpreted, is beyond my control. As a writer, I should've realised that. That is my mistake, and mine alone.

Time to grow up some more.

In some ways, I feel genuinely happy about my life; afterall, there is nothing wrong in the surface. At all. My studies are going and I'm finishing soon (to my relief), I've got my best friends and comforts of home, good food, clothes and family. But I'm surprised people kept telling me, I seem to be really dissatisfied. That I want more, but more of what? Its like I haven't really lived, and I can see why: I'm still holed up in my city, inside the embrace of family and childhood friends and my routine, in short, nothing outside my comfort zone. I feel like I'm struggling to get out there, but I haven't found the key yet.

Of course, in other ways, I am dead unhappy. Downright depressed. Like sitting alone in the middle of the night talking to random strangers listening to music and thinking random thoughts kind of unhappy. I've got no direction in life whatsoever. I'm not sure I want to be a journalist, and that felt like a kind of betrayal to my convictions. I'm not sure I have what it takes to be a good journalist. Or anything else for that matter. I wish I can see a direction. I'm going to be 22 and I feel like a lost kid sometimes. I took a lot of interest in politics lately, and that is revelation in itself. Maybe I'll be writing on more of that soon.

On another matter altogether, I damn taubat already about the need for a guy. At this moment, I know I'm not really looking for anyone, or for love. Sure, I wouldn't say no to whatever comes my way, be it random dates or a flirt or chatting online or at a table wherever, but trust is an issue now. And yes, I won't settle for anything less than what felt "right", because I've had experienced that headiness, the excitement, the wonder of liking someone creep over me. That want to look into his eyes and stare at their wonderful depth forever, the desire to know his thoughts and learn about him slowly, relishing on every new fact. And if I have a certain preference for a certain kind of guys, so be it, I think. I'll find him, wherever he is.

Oh, and last night I did a thing that's a wee bit spontaneous. I spoke to an American guy who happened to be in town, invited him for coffee, took Amelia with me, and ended up taking him and his friend on a terror ride on my brother's Myvi to Ming Tien in PJ for some local food and then to a nearby mamak to impress them with some teh tarik skills. I've had an amazingly fun time, and I hope they did, too. It reminded me of why I like to meet random travelers when I backpacked, and yeah, I should do more things like that. It was also amusing to look at the rear view mirror to see two very tall guys folded into my car. And it makes me really, really happy and proud to see them enjoying my city, my food, my culture. It was great. Yeah. How do YOU pronounce Malaysia?

Malay-zhuh or Malay-sya? Personally, I use them interchangeably.

Well, til my next post at I-really-don't-know-when, Malaysia Boleh!

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