...yes, some down time after a few mind-numbingly frantic months, and currently I'm doing nowt that can be counted as substantially productive.
How can this be that I'm now this sloth-like person with not much motivation or zest for life, and life is work, weekend, work, weekend, rinse and repeat?
Where's that sense of adventure and curiousity?
Hibernation and awaiting financing. That's what.
Money is the biggest obstacle...that, and dragging a less wander-lusty boy about.
That being said, I'm off to Newcastle to see Shean tomorrow, and to get some dimsum down my parched throat.
A hilarious little nugget meanwhile: I bought a HTC Desire off Amazon late in Nov, and as we all know, England was crippled by the earlier heavy snow and cold weather, I mean, granted I was here to witness it all afterall it was perishingly cold (cannot forget that one morning I waited in -13C temperatures for my lift to work), and the seller, for reasons unknown, decided to send it a few days late, AFTER the heavy snowfall. Result?
My phone never arrived.
After some amiable 'how now?' and 'oh nos' with the seller, I got my refund and before Christmas even arrived, my hands itched and went click, click, click. I checked on other HTC Desires on offer on Amazon again. I really really craved it, I wanted a smartphone for what must've been a year now only to wait and wait, and when I finally bought one, I wanted it there and then. I so nearly had it as well, but no, it's still stuck in some depot somewhere (or perhaps it's in the warm hands of a postie, I don't know), so with the refund I went ahead and ordered another one. Emailed the seller to please send it tracked. He replied by saying, no, not sending the phone to Nigeria unless he's been paid.
WTF?
But it was just a small misunderstanding, he had people trying to con him, and all's good. He sent it tracked the next day, and here's me thinking, oh with the Christmas rush (it was only 2 days before Christmas), I best send it to the office (safer), plus it'll only arrive way after Christmas, right?
Wrong.
It arrived on Christmas Eve. The first day I was off work. That night, I checked the tracking, and kicked myself. Because now the earliest I could get it would be Wednesday when the office reopens, which was then 4 days away. But nooo, Wednesday I'm in Newcastle! I'm only back in York Thursday afternoon, late. I have a window of an hour and half to take a bus to the office to retrieve my phone. Would it be worth the effort?
I think so.
So Thursday I'll go to the office even though I'm clearly still on leave.
£"$%^&^%$£"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Apologies, that little nugget of a story wasn't so little now, huh.
*************************
You know, with 2010 nearly done and dusted now, I feel so much less sentimental than I used to be to see a passing year. In fact, a lot of things changed, but a year's just another year.
My brain these days is slightly muddled and murky, like, I have no clear thoughts or even attempted to clear my thoughts. It's just one day to another. But also, I cannot deny this: I am sad. I don't know over what, but a blanket of sadness and worry covers my head and torments me almost every night. I think I'm just worried about the future, or rather, about having no future.
I want to be happy, but that's so hard to achieve.
I don't feel sexy, or pretty, or good about myself, because I don't have the self-belief, or confidence.
I don't feel intelligent, or knowledgeable, or wise, because I don't have the answers.
And this place is very difficult a place for me to be in.
Maybe this is truly the first time in my life that I don't feel secure because there's no beginning and end to look forward to, like finishing school, or graduating, or finishing a contract? Not many friends here, although I'm so grateful and so blessed with a couple of friends yet that I can still talk with sometimes...
I know now for a fact that I've lost certain people, and I thought I'd come to terms with it, but like ghosts and phantoms, they resurrect and haunt, and I'm still learning the art of letting go. Love is truly a strange thing, both to give and to receive.
Like I said, I've not analysed this properly on purpose. I've not written down my thoughts, or anchored it with anything.
I don't need more thinking, you see. I need new interests, and faith.
And a bit more money.
Aiyaaaaaaa!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
The feeling of Sadness...
Posted this originally as a comment on Mabel Teoh's blog on the suicide of Alviss Kong
My first inkling of this incident came on Facebook when I saw a link posted by someone to someone else's blog telling a girl off for claiming to be suicidal and to go do an "Alviss Kong" instead of creating more drama.
After a little snooping around, I found the articles and stories...long story short, Alviss was in love with a girl, and had a 4-month relationship with her, which ended despite him 'confessing 5 times' to her - and he jumped off a building (for reasons apparently ranging from to prove his love for her, to not being able to handle the rejection...I'm not sure and won't claim to understand).
True enough at 22, and on his second relationship, he hasn't gained the maturity to understand love isn't always mutual and often go unrequited. Four months may have seemed an eternity. Perhaps it's effects of Chinese pop culture - I've always wondered why Chinese loves songs are so melancholic, so full of rejection, death and pining - the idea and romanticism of love in a culture that ironically isn't all that romantic and more often, plagued with practicalities, tradition and conservative in-laws. It affects the young who pined over someone for years, and gained the idea that once they're in love with someone, they have to possess the subject and when spurned, they have to stalk, hurt and destroy the subject's happiness, or not allow anyone else to be with the poor person, either. It's all typical stories, and I've heard about them in various degrees about acquaintences (of acquaintances)...if only we all learn to be more siu sa or 冷淡 about it...
But I digress.
It is the ugly comments and posts of fellow Malaysians, that highlight how unforgiving, judgmental and shallow the society is.
Everyone played the blame game, those without sympathy said so with such derision ...and so very very few showed kindness or empathy. Is it true our collective emotional quotient is so low, so few learned to show aa bit of kindness and understanding towards others?
I remember the case of the Singaporean medical student who died in a hit and run in London on her birthday, and felt so sad for her lost life. But a bit of googling revealed the comments by Singaporeans questioning why she's outside the hospital she worked in at that late hour, as if it was of utmost importance. Some poured unfounded accusations of her being a sex worker out at night (like so many other Singaporeans who abused their student status, apparently), and showed their contempt at her for being a scholarship holder at Cambridge (green-eyed monsters, anyone?). You know the saying 'if you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all?'
The Internet and the anonymity it provides allow nameless and faceless people to pour their shit wherever they want. Instead of expression of sadness or shock or condolences, people receive contemptuous, cruel, thoughtless comments and jeers. Medium is the message though.
This is just a microcosm of our society and culture, one so steeped deeply in me by my mum and peers, the culture I've tried hard the last two years to cut my ties and untangle the webs from...it's a kiasu society stricken by a structural lack of empathy and understanding towards those who are sad, or different. Those whose aspirations don't fall into the typical line of study hard > great career > marriage > car & house > children. A culture that refuses to acknowledge there are different ways of life. It is a society that can be so cruel with thoughts and words, and one that can stand aside to watch others suffer and not lift a finger to help, while maintaining a commentary of cruel comments for their own amusement. A society that both cared too much about what others think but at the same time, is extremely individualistic and self-centred. A culture of superficiality, maintaining appearances and refusal to seek out depth of understanding on emotion. One that's quick to point out someone is chi sin, or chi ma gan, ngong ...the deragatory terms go on and on. What mentality is this?
***
I'm rambling on slightly, but how people reacted to Alviss, and to Mingwei's deaths, both for such vastly different reasons, made me recoil with disgust.
Because I am a product of this society, and I too had my reckonings and learning to be indifferent and different, and why I am staying away. It's not really easy, especially with the feelings of isolation and having no one I could relate to, or talk to. Especially lately as I fight this blanket of pain, anger, sadness and helplessness that suddenly drop on me for no particular reason at all. Lately I feel hopeless and ready to give up, and yet, I have to tread carefully, maintain my sanity and present a normal person to the world, when my insides are screaming. Because I know to show weakness is to ask for trouble and judgment.
Where do I go?
But I'm okay. I'm okay.
***
My first inkling of this incident came on Facebook when I saw a link posted by someone to someone else's blog telling a girl off for claiming to be suicidal and to go do an "Alviss Kong" instead of creating more drama.
After a little snooping around, I found the articles and stories...long story short, Alviss was in love with a girl, and had a 4-month relationship with her, which ended despite him 'confessing 5 times' to her - and he jumped off a building (for reasons apparently ranging from to prove his love for her, to not being able to handle the rejection...I'm not sure and won't claim to understand).
True enough at 22, and on his second relationship, he hasn't gained the maturity to understand love isn't always mutual and often go unrequited. Four months may have seemed an eternity. Perhaps it's effects of Chinese pop culture - I've always wondered why Chinese loves songs are so melancholic, so full of rejection, death and pining - the idea and romanticism of love in a culture that ironically isn't all that romantic and more often, plagued with practicalities, tradition and conservative in-laws. It affects the young who pined over someone for years, and gained the idea that once they're in love with someone, they have to possess the subject and when spurned, they have to stalk, hurt and destroy the subject's happiness, or not allow anyone else to be with the poor person, either. It's all typical stories, and I've heard about them in various degrees about acquaintences (of acquaintances)...if only we all learn to be more siu sa or 冷淡 about it...
But I digress.
It is the ugly comments and posts of fellow Malaysians, that highlight how unforgiving, judgmental and shallow the society is.
Everyone played the blame game, those without sympathy said so with such derision ...and so very very few showed kindness or empathy. Is it true our collective emotional quotient is so low, so few learned to show aa bit of kindness and understanding towards others?
I remember the case of the Singaporean medical student who died in a hit and run in London on her birthday, and felt so sad for her lost life. But a bit of googling revealed the comments by Singaporeans questioning why she's outside the hospital she worked in at that late hour, as if it was of utmost importance. Some poured unfounded accusations of her being a sex worker out at night (like so many other Singaporeans who abused their student status, apparently), and showed their contempt at her for being a scholarship holder at Cambridge (green-eyed monsters, anyone?). You know the saying 'if you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all?'
The Internet and the anonymity it provides allow nameless and faceless people to pour their shit wherever they want. Instead of expression of sadness or shock or condolences, people receive contemptuous, cruel, thoughtless comments and jeers. Medium is the message though.
This is just a microcosm of our society and culture, one so steeped deeply in me by my mum and peers, the culture I've tried hard the last two years to cut my ties and untangle the webs from...it's a kiasu society stricken by a structural lack of empathy and understanding towards those who are sad, or different. Those whose aspirations don't fall into the typical line of study hard > great career > marriage > car & house > children. A culture that refuses to acknowledge there are different ways of life. It is a society that can be so cruel with thoughts and words, and one that can stand aside to watch others suffer and not lift a finger to help, while maintaining a commentary of cruel comments for their own amusement. A society that both cared too much about what others think but at the same time, is extremely individualistic and self-centred. A culture of superficiality, maintaining appearances and refusal to seek out depth of understanding on emotion. One that's quick to point out someone is chi sin, or chi ma gan, ngong ...the deragatory terms go on and on. What mentality is this?
***
I'm rambling on slightly, but how people reacted to Alviss, and to Mingwei's deaths, both for such vastly different reasons, made me recoil with disgust.
Because I am a product of this society, and I too had my reckonings and learning to be indifferent and different, and why I am staying away. It's not really easy, especially with the feelings of isolation and having no one I could relate to, or talk to. Especially lately as I fight this blanket of pain, anger, sadness and helplessness that suddenly drop on me for no particular reason at all. Lately I feel hopeless and ready to give up, and yet, I have to tread carefully, maintain my sanity and present a normal person to the world, when my insides are screaming. Because I know to show weakness is to ask for trouble and judgment.
Where do I go?
But I'm okay. I'm okay.
***
Was it worth a life, your life?
You claim you love her and now you've given her
A lifetime of haunting.
Regrets and sorrow.
The living have to continue living.
My condolences
You claim you love her and now you've given her
A lifetime of haunting.
Regrets and sorrow.
The living have to continue living.
My condolences
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Some counter-thoughts...
I haven't done this in ages now, putting some analytical thoughts into this poor neglected blog of mine, and there's a little more reasons to it than me simply being lazy...
But this little nugget is interesting. I found this one by chance. It was a blog entry by a fellow Malaysian who was not born Malaysian but grew up in Malaysia (herein known as M)...and how M said she's always been told she's "doing it wrong" because of the subtle cultural differences she experience growing up in Malaysia.
And the only way she can fit in is to take on the Malaysian culture, 100%.
But...what is the 100% Malaysian culture? From my point of view, I always felt slightly rejected (possibly because I was fat, angry and defensive), and just never been wholly part of the social scene that my friends seemed so comfortable in. I didn't understand it back then, experienced the teenage angst, the whole "Why me!" self-hate and self-pity fest (and grew out of it), but maybe really, deep down, everyone just did what they have to do to fit in, and they just did a better job at fitting in than I did. How'd I know, since I never questioned it, that they were happy doing so, that they never secretly wanted to be different? Leaving Malaysia behind gave me the freedom to be who I am - the Malaysian I am - liberated from social norms and pressure. A little too outspoken, a little too wacky, a little odd for my homelanders' tastes maybe (but how'd I know? Maybe it's just all in my head afterall) but I am being me, but that doesn't detract from the fact that I am Malaysian, my identity shaped by how and where I grew up.
Also, being in the same level playing field as anyone else who isn't British in England, like M is foreign where M is, although I don't see that as a "privilege", I am able to and I do get on with them lovely English people, and while I do make a bit of an effort to pick up the accent, I don't do much of anything else to fit in desperately. The fact is, I'm just from a land faraway and there's little expectations of me from locals. Maybe that's the privilege and opportunity I have - But this fact is still far from making me a "model Asian", because I'm still not a typical Malaysian, or Oriental, or Asian (apart from my obsession with -good- food) person or a model or an illustration of anything, and again, how would I ever know if the mainstream or dominant culture here accepts me? I don't go out much or drink, for example, and that makes me an oddity here. But neither does the boyfriend, and he's actually English, so does that make him unacceptable or that he's "doing it wrong"?
Also, to this point, I am the only, well, Oriental person in a company that has over 120 employees, but again, I just don't see myself being hired as the "Token Asian". I'd hate the thought of that. I know they offered me a job because I was awesome at my interview, not because they wanted to up their cultural diversity levels (although it may have been a bonus point to them, but the decision would've still be made solely on merit). Also, the argument that others aren't easily accepted because they didn't assimilate could be rendered null and void because others just didn't make that effort to. Many students here stick to their own groups, culture and language - be they Spanish, Cypriots, Indians, Chinese or Malay - and they're comfortable being in the outside fringes of English society, insulated by the shared identities and I do not blame them for that. People stick to what they're familiar with just like how I turn to a pack of Maggie Kari and a mug of Milo (with good English cream) for comfort.
As much as I perceive myself as a Malaysian, I still went through the identity confusion, anger and feeling of rejection by how racial politics were played at home. I felt it acutely and took it personally when I was told "jika you tak suka, you balik Cina", like "oi, I am the third generation born here and as Malaysian as anyone else, who the hell are you to think you have the right to tell me to get out?"
But as much as I feel passionate, and as much as I know (or don't know) Malaysia, I still wouldn't speak for Malaysia. I'd speak about it though, but I will never claim to speak for or represent Malaysia. In fact, I always wondered if I'm spreading untrue or inaccurate facts about Malaysia based on my personal experience and always make a disclaimer. I won't say the same about the remarks I made about Singapore though! But I'm NO token Malaysian or Asian. I'm just me, and I just get on with things, and find my own place to belong to.
In the last two years, I learned a lot, and this is the one knowledge I gain - to let go of some of my past prejudices, and to gain wisdom from my experience.
Just because I'm a Chinese ethnically, it doesn't mean I'm less Malaysian, or have less right to talk about my nation or my culture. I have a heritage, and I won't reject that. I'm taking away no one's ability to speak for themselves and their culture, and I learn to explore my own culture, society, language and identity, both ethnically and nationally, at my own pace, because I have no need to answer to anyone. I'd never call China my home, but it doesn't make me less interested in where my forefathers came from, but I know where my loyalties lie.
But really, it's not a privilege to get on with "Westerners" as a "model/token Asian", that distasteful thought just does not sit well with me.
(Enough to spur me to blog about it, although the thought did strike me that maybe I misinterpreted the "privilege" part, because I haven't asked M about it, I cannot be entirely sure I understood what M meant, and this is once more, my personal viewpoint based on an individual's understanding.)
But this little nugget is interesting. I found this one by chance. It was a blog entry by a fellow Malaysian who was not born Malaysian but grew up in Malaysia (herein known as M)...and how M said she's always been told she's "doing it wrong" because of the subtle cultural differences she experience growing up in Malaysia.
And the only way she can fit in is to take on the Malaysian culture, 100%.
But...what is the 100% Malaysian culture? From my point of view, I always felt slightly rejected (possibly because I was fat, angry and defensive), and just never been wholly part of the social scene that my friends seemed so comfortable in. I didn't understand it back then, experienced the teenage angst, the whole "Why me!" self-hate and self-pity fest (and grew out of it), but maybe really, deep down, everyone just did what they have to do to fit in, and they just did a better job at fitting in than I did. How'd I know, since I never questioned it, that they were happy doing so, that they never secretly wanted to be different? Leaving Malaysia behind gave me the freedom to be who I am - the Malaysian I am - liberated from social norms and pressure. A little too outspoken, a little too wacky, a little odd for my homelanders' tastes maybe (but how'd I know? Maybe it's just all in my head afterall) but I am being me, but that doesn't detract from the fact that I am Malaysian, my identity shaped by how and where I grew up.
Also, being in the same level playing field as anyone else who isn't British in England, like M is foreign where M is, although I don't see that as a "privilege", I am able to and I do get on with them lovely English people, and while I do make a bit of an effort to pick up the accent, I don't do much of anything else to fit in desperately. The fact is, I'm just from a land faraway and there's little expectations of me from locals. Maybe that's the privilege and opportunity I have - But this fact is still far from making me a "model Asian", because I'm still not a typical Malaysian, or Oriental, or Asian (apart from my obsession with -good- food) person or a model or an illustration of anything, and again, how would I ever know if the mainstream or dominant culture here accepts me? I don't go out much or drink, for example, and that makes me an oddity here. But neither does the boyfriend, and he's actually English, so does that make him unacceptable or that he's "doing it wrong"?
Also, to this point, I am the only, well, Oriental person in a company that has over 120 employees, but again, I just don't see myself being hired as the "Token Asian". I'd hate the thought of that. I know they offered me a job because I was awesome at my interview, not because they wanted to up their cultural diversity levels (although it may have been a bonus point to them, but the decision would've still be made solely on merit). Also, the argument that others aren't easily accepted because they didn't assimilate could be rendered null and void because others just didn't make that effort to. Many students here stick to their own groups, culture and language - be they Spanish, Cypriots, Indians, Chinese or Malay - and they're comfortable being in the outside fringes of English society, insulated by the shared identities and I do not blame them for that. People stick to what they're familiar with just like how I turn to a pack of Maggie Kari and a mug of Milo (with good English cream) for comfort.
As much as I perceive myself as a Malaysian, I still went through the identity confusion, anger and feeling of rejection by how racial politics were played at home. I felt it acutely and took it personally when I was told "jika you tak suka, you balik Cina", like "oi, I am the third generation born here and as Malaysian as anyone else, who the hell are you to think you have the right to tell me to get out?"
But as much as I feel passionate, and as much as I know (or don't know) Malaysia, I still wouldn't speak for Malaysia. I'd speak about it though, but I will never claim to speak for or represent Malaysia. In fact, I always wondered if I'm spreading untrue or inaccurate facts about Malaysia based on my personal experience and always make a disclaimer. I won't say the same about the remarks I made about Singapore though! But I'm NO token Malaysian or Asian. I'm just me, and I just get on with things, and find my own place to belong to.
In the last two years, I learned a lot, and this is the one knowledge I gain - to let go of some of my past prejudices, and to gain wisdom from my experience.
Just because I'm a Chinese ethnically, it doesn't mean I'm less Malaysian, or have less right to talk about my nation or my culture. I have a heritage, and I won't reject that. I'm taking away no one's ability to speak for themselves and their culture, and I learn to explore my own culture, society, language and identity, both ethnically and nationally, at my own pace, because I have no need to answer to anyone. I'd never call China my home, but it doesn't make me less interested in where my forefathers came from, but I know where my loyalties lie.
But really, it's not a privilege to get on with "Westerners" as a "model/token Asian", that distasteful thought just does not sit well with me.
(Enough to spur me to blog about it, although the thought did strike me that maybe I misinterpreted the "privilege" part, because I haven't asked M about it, I cannot be entirely sure I understood what M meant, and this is once more, my personal viewpoint based on an individual's understanding.)
Monday, November 01, 2010
I miss...
...being young.
The older you get, the more your dreams seemed out of reach.
And then, even the dreams fade, to be replaced by practicality and drudgery of life.
This must be what they call 'settling'.
The older you get, the more your dreams seemed out of reach.
And then, even the dreams fade, to be replaced by practicality and drudgery of life.
This must be what they call 'settling'.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Busy-ness
I think it may be the first time in my life where I was thrown straight into a routine and had no time to think.
I understand what it's like to be a Dilbert in a cubicle.
For I have joined the mindless workforce known as 'office workers' and is now an OL (although whether I qualify or not - leaving the house with only eyeliner and sometimes no makeup at all and zero heels) and the days are inundated by emails and filled with administrative work (no filing though, unless moving emails from my inbox to folders count)...and I only have maybe 2-3 minutes at a time to look at Facebook during lunchtime and by the time I go home all I want is dinner and then to fall asleep watching telly.
Rinse and repeat.
Weekends are filled with 'exploring the city', going to the supermarket, cooking, cleaning up (must do laundry this weekend!) and suddenly, it's Monday again.
Ahhh the life of a drone!
First time in weeks I have a few minutes and a few thoughts to spare.
Until next time then!
I understand what it's like to be a Dilbert in a cubicle.
For I have joined the mindless workforce known as 'office workers' and is now an OL (although whether I qualify or not - leaving the house with only eyeliner and sometimes no makeup at all and zero heels) and the days are inundated by emails and filled with administrative work (no filing though, unless moving emails from my inbox to folders count)...and I only have maybe 2-3 minutes at a time to look at Facebook during lunchtime and by the time I go home all I want is dinner and then to fall asleep watching telly.
Rinse and repeat.
Weekends are filled with 'exploring the city', going to the supermarket, cooking, cleaning up (must do laundry this weekend!) and suddenly, it's Monday again.
Ahhh the life of a drone!
First time in weeks I have a few minutes and a few thoughts to spare.
Until next time then!
Wednesday, September 01, 2010
DIY man
The Boy: I'm really proud of the chest of drawers from Argos I DIY-ed! Despite the bag of missing screws! Can I be a stay-at-home bf and do this all day every day?
Me: NO.
Me: NO.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
It just hit home...
...that I'm moving.
On Friday.
I have a gawdawful dream last night...before falling asleep I was fretting about the photos and cards and stuff still on my walls, and then I dreamed that it was Friday and the van man lugged everything into his van and I was wailing about my photos on the wall and he was dragging me by my arm.
And I am packing ahead of time anyway considering I'm not moving til Friday afternoon...but better early than late, no?
And the waiting is over and the prayers' answered...and I'm so grateful, so so grateful.
One problem over. This time next week I'd have finished my first day at work.
Without even realising it I'm counting down the days til I start work. Eeeeeks!
I think this year living with people has been successful...cos I held my tongue, let things be, and avoided bickering and confrontations. I'm happy I've lived in close proximity with the same people for a year now, and not had a single ugly moment. I think it's a milestone. I'm getting better. I hope! *fingers crossed*
On Friday.
I have a gawdawful dream last night...before falling asleep I was fretting about the photos and cards and stuff still on my walls, and then I dreamed that it was Friday and the van man lugged everything into his van and I was wailing about my photos on the wall and he was dragging me by my arm.
And I am packing ahead of time anyway considering I'm not moving til Friday afternoon...but better early than late, no?
And the waiting is over and the prayers' answered...and I'm so grateful, so so grateful.
One problem over. This time next week I'd have finished my first day at work.
Without even realising it I'm counting down the days til I start work. Eeeeeks!
I think this year living with people has been successful...cos I held my tongue, let things be, and avoided bickering and confrontations. I'm happy I've lived in close proximity with the same people for a year now, and not had a single ugly moment. I think it's a milestone. I'm getting better. I hope! *fingers crossed*
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Wishing and praying
This sucks.
I know I'm responsible for myself, and I truly enjoy doing that. But this current crisis sucks. I can't find a flat or a shared house in York. Well, I can, but I can't find what I liked, and have it, too.
I don't like how things are so out of my control. That I'm at the mercy of not just my own, but also another person's limited spending power. That so much rides on whether someone took a shine on us, or not.
I hate the waiting, I can't help how anxious I feel and how angry I get and how worked up I become while I wait. With a mixture of hope and dejection. Of not daring, but still going for it.
Rippling out from the deepest of my soul, the negativity and bad juju not just affects, but consumes me whole and I turn monstrous. I am truly and utterly ashamed of myself, and of my shameful behaviour, reaction and mindset.
Lately, in an introspective phase, I begin to truly wonder if I can be content. That lesson that I never learned. Still have not. I know I'm young, and I choose this path of uncertainty and unpredictables, but oh, the strength needed to sustain good, positive thoughts and keep going on.
I am truly scared of myself. Of how unhappy I am willing to be. How I dwell so much on the bad and dismiss the good. And lately, how easily my thoughts creep to giving up when I don't deserve to, when new and exciting things are happening and big changes abound. It's just that the end results remain the same: no matter which way I see it, I end up back where I started. And these couple of years, I could chalk it up to amazing experience, but I choose to see it as an abrupt end to a long-term project I started and not ready to finish yet. Not by long shot. In short, why am I doing all this when in the end it means nothing?
Now you see what I mean? From a simple issue at hand, my mind dwells and digs up all the issues I face, short and long term, and hook them in my heart, clawing and scratching.
Underwater with no air.
I need to break into the surface pronto, and breath. With no cue. And stay there paddling.
I wish I am able to talk with those near and dear. I feel so alone. And worried. I wish I can share and get a sobbing shoulder, and relieve The Boy of his duties for a while. I am afraid of this: that I'm driving him away. And if there is indeed a Higher Being, and I am of the agnostic stock, then tonight I get on my knees and pray for relief. For the jigsaw to fall into place. For my sanity. For hope. And for belief. I pray.
I know I'm responsible for myself, and I truly enjoy doing that. But this current crisis sucks. I can't find a flat or a shared house in York. Well, I can, but I can't find what I liked, and have it, too.
I don't like how things are so out of my control. That I'm at the mercy of not just my own, but also another person's limited spending power. That so much rides on whether someone took a shine on us, or not.
I hate the waiting, I can't help how anxious I feel and how angry I get and how worked up I become while I wait. With a mixture of hope and dejection. Of not daring, but still going for it.
Rippling out from the deepest of my soul, the negativity and bad juju not just affects, but consumes me whole and I turn monstrous. I am truly and utterly ashamed of myself, and of my shameful behaviour, reaction and mindset.
Lately, in an introspective phase, I begin to truly wonder if I can be content. That lesson that I never learned. Still have not. I know I'm young, and I choose this path of uncertainty and unpredictables, but oh, the strength needed to sustain good, positive thoughts and keep going on.
I am truly scared of myself. Of how unhappy I am willing to be. How I dwell so much on the bad and dismiss the good. And lately, how easily my thoughts creep to giving up when I don't deserve to, when new and exciting things are happening and big changes abound. It's just that the end results remain the same: no matter which way I see it, I end up back where I started. And these couple of years, I could chalk it up to amazing experience, but I choose to see it as an abrupt end to a long-term project I started and not ready to finish yet. Not by long shot. In short, why am I doing all this when in the end it means nothing?
Now you see what I mean? From a simple issue at hand, my mind dwells and digs up all the issues I face, short and long term, and hook them in my heart, clawing and scratching.
Underwater with no air.
I need to break into the surface pronto, and breath. With no cue. And stay there paddling.
I wish I am able to talk with those near and dear. I feel so alone. And worried. I wish I can share and get a sobbing shoulder, and relieve The Boy of his duties for a while. I am afraid of this: that I'm driving him away. And if there is indeed a Higher Being, and I am of the agnostic stock, then tonight I get on my knees and pray for relief. For the jigsaw to fall into place. For my sanity. For hope. And for belief. I pray.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Nigglings in my heart
I knew it all along...
My mom (and I'm pretty certain my dad, to an extent) is disappointed with my choices in life.
From me studying political science, to my choice in men. And why I choose to stay so far away, and who I choose to make friends with...
And I struggle hard to keep away the nagging voices in my head, to learn to be my own person, and be okay with that.
And the voice of disapproval just never recede.
When will I, if indeed I can, truly break free?
When I'm swimming in money? When I find a man who will give me loads of money and not expect my silence and acquiescence in return? When my friends are in the who's who list and when my career makes me a who's who?
Earghhhhhhhhhhhh!
My mom (and I'm pretty certain my dad, to an extent) is disappointed with my choices in life.
From me studying political science, to my choice in men. And why I choose to stay so far away, and who I choose to make friends with...
And I struggle hard to keep away the nagging voices in my head, to learn to be my own person, and be okay with that.
And the voice of disapproval just never recede.
When will I, if indeed I can, truly break free?
When I'm swimming in money? When I find a man who will give me loads of money and not expect my silence and acquiescence in return? When my friends are in the who's who list and when my career makes me a who's who?
Earghhhhhhhhhhhh!
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Dreams vs Reality
A blog entry inspired by Joanna's blog post
It's 3.13am, I don't remember being awake at this hour for the best part of 4 months now, and I was mentally drafting a blog entry.
So I re-fired my laptop, and here it is.
The Boy has been so awesome to me.
He knew (from the umpteenth time I've ranted about it) about my life-long struggles with weight and lack of self-esteem and self-confidence, and my self-image issues. I recognise now that a huge amount of my issues came from my weight, but a lot also came from how my family, peers, society and I dealt with it.
I've lost quite a bit of weight a couple years ago, bla blah bla, but since being in England, lost a lot of my food inhibitions and embraced my inner Martha Stewart. Result: Meat grew on my bones. Again. And I tried to deal with this by alternating between controling what I eat and ignoring it.
My aunt recently commented on my weight gain on a photo on my Facebook. The Boy was sufficiently enraged. I wasn't so reactive, I've resigned to having my size, appearance and perceived weight gain and lost being scrutinised by all and sundry. He left a rather assertive comment below my aunt's comment. I showed my mum the offending photo.
Y'know what she said? "But, you have gone bigger these days!"
That's just how it is, isn't it?
Lately I've been fighting with my inner demons and my unwillingness to go home, or even at all near the society I grew up in. I see newly arrived Malaysian students in my neighbourhood and while I might mosey over for a nose, I'll never identify myself.
Joanna wrote about her (and mum's) dream as an 18 year old, and what to expect. To meet a decent Malaysian guy in uni - one who came from a decent, well-off background, to get married at 24, have kids couple of years later, a high-flying career and the standard-issue house, car, kids and pets.
Although my mum has never overtly put the same pressure on me (and in fact, told me to not settle for just any guy and that I should date a bit), for some reason I've put the pressure onto myself. Not with the guy, necessarily, but career-wise. I haven't been successful. At 24 I've got not much to show, and currently I'm not even employed. A disgrace!
And I could take the easy route and go home. But therein lies the problem. Each day I get 'out here', makes me guiltier for leaving my mum at home with my brother. Because she was ill, and because my brother had to be home and therefore not given the same freedom to go anywhere he'd like to go for days at a time. But yet, the environment is so toxic when I'm home.
I'm reminded almost each day what a failure I am as a daughter, a sister, a friend and a person - how selfish I am, how lazy, how inadequate. I've been driven to the brink many times, and the only reason I'm still here is because of the hope of escaping from it. The last time I was home, the thought of being able to fly away sustained me. I felt so guilty about wanting to leave, I cried on the plane. I asked myself if this is the right thing I'm doing. I'm still asking myself that question.
I think it is, for now. But I've learned demons follow a person. Mine are still haunting me, and through it all, The Boy has been an immense strength and support.
I still don't know how the story will be for the two of us, I wonder if I'm settling. Then again, he may be settling for me, too.
At the back of my mind, my dream man is a City worker, dashing, intelligent, intellectual, rich, well-traveled. Someone I can show off. Someone who can give me loads of dispensable cash. But in reality, The Boy isn't any of that...yet.
He is an artist; a laid-back, funny, down-to-earth, stubborn git. He is cute, endearing and surprisingly sensible and perceptive. He is close to his family, and while intelligent, is not an intellect. And we get on really well. For two people with nothing obvious in common, we're good together.
And I love him for being my strength, and for making me laugh, and for listening to my self-absorbed whinging, and for the person he is.
I don't know if there's any more dreams left in me - perhaps one or two. But reality is cold, and something I have to face, and I'm glad to have him with me on this leg of the rat race.
It's 3.13am, I don't remember being awake at this hour for the best part of 4 months now, and I was mentally drafting a blog entry.
So I re-fired my laptop, and here it is.
The Boy has been so awesome to me.
He knew (from the umpteenth time I've ranted about it) about my life-long struggles with weight and lack of self-esteem and self-confidence, and my self-image issues. I recognise now that a huge amount of my issues came from my weight, but a lot also came from how my family, peers, society and I dealt with it.
I've lost quite a bit of weight a couple years ago, bla blah bla, but since being in England, lost a lot of my food inhibitions and embraced my inner Martha Stewart. Result: Meat grew on my bones. Again. And I tried to deal with this by alternating between controling what I eat and ignoring it.
My aunt recently commented on my weight gain on a photo on my Facebook. The Boy was sufficiently enraged. I wasn't so reactive, I've resigned to having my size, appearance and perceived weight gain and lost being scrutinised by all and sundry. He left a rather assertive comment below my aunt's comment. I showed my mum the offending photo.
Y'know what she said? "But, you have gone bigger these days!"
That's just how it is, isn't it?
Lately I've been fighting with my inner demons and my unwillingness to go home, or even at all near the society I grew up in. I see newly arrived Malaysian students in my neighbourhood and while I might mosey over for a nose, I'll never identify myself.
Joanna wrote about her (and mum's) dream as an 18 year old, and what to expect. To meet a decent Malaysian guy in uni - one who came from a decent, well-off background, to get married at 24, have kids couple of years later, a high-flying career and the standard-issue house, car, kids and pets.
Although my mum has never overtly put the same pressure on me (and in fact, told me to not settle for just any guy and that I should date a bit), for some reason I've put the pressure onto myself. Not with the guy, necessarily, but career-wise. I haven't been successful. At 24 I've got not much to show, and currently I'm not even employed. A disgrace!
And I could take the easy route and go home. But therein lies the problem. Each day I get 'out here', makes me guiltier for leaving my mum at home with my brother. Because she was ill, and because my brother had to be home and therefore not given the same freedom to go anywhere he'd like to go for days at a time. But yet, the environment is so toxic when I'm home.
I'm reminded almost each day what a failure I am as a daughter, a sister, a friend and a person - how selfish I am, how lazy, how inadequate. I've been driven to the brink many times, and the only reason I'm still here is because of the hope of escaping from it. The last time I was home, the thought of being able to fly away sustained me. I felt so guilty about wanting to leave, I cried on the plane. I asked myself if this is the right thing I'm doing. I'm still asking myself that question.
I think it is, for now. But I've learned demons follow a person. Mine are still haunting me, and through it all, The Boy has been an immense strength and support.
I still don't know how the story will be for the two of us, I wonder if I'm settling. Then again, he may be settling for me, too.
At the back of my mind, my dream man is a City worker, dashing, intelligent, intellectual, rich, well-traveled. Someone I can show off. Someone who can give me loads of dispensable cash. But in reality, The Boy isn't any of that...yet.
He is an artist; a laid-back, funny, down-to-earth, stubborn git. He is cute, endearing and surprisingly sensible and perceptive. He is close to his family, and while intelligent, is not an intellect. And we get on really well. For two people with nothing obvious in common, we're good together.
And I love him for being my strength, and for making me laugh, and for listening to my self-absorbed whinging, and for the person he is.
I don't know if there's any more dreams left in me - perhaps one or two. But reality is cold, and something I have to face, and I'm glad to have him with me on this leg of the rat race.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Endings
...my internship that is.
Started yesterday, ended today.
Learned some, gained some and need more. Money, that is.
To the great job search, again.
I'm dejected, in truth...It drains the will of living out of a person, making one feel so insecure and inadequate of one's inabilities. But that's the way it is here, and I chose this path, so I will walk on.
Bruges was great, I will do a good blog post on it very soon, but on the ferry home...the dark waters beneath the ferry looked so inviting. It'd be so easy to just...jump in. While I'm still ahead. But is the situation bad enough? At all? Was I crazy? It is NOT end of the road for me.
So I took a moment to take stock, to look at the bigger picture. Yes, maybe it's time to go. Better now than in a year's time, when I still have not much to show, and not because of what I am incapable of. At least now I take away the most of what I have done; what I could do, but not have the opportunity to...and put it to good use elsewhere. "Free reins" was just an excuse, I'm not a salesperson.
I know what motivates me: That paycheque, the knowledge that what I do meant something, good communication and camaraderie, and that there's a team of supportive, equally enthusiastic workmates alongside me.
Will come back when I'm more cheery. Meanwhile, one gotta plod on.
Started yesterday, ended today.
Learned some, gained some and need more. Money, that is.
To the great job search, again.
I'm dejected, in truth...It drains the will of living out of a person, making one feel so insecure and inadequate of one's inabilities. But that's the way it is here, and I chose this path, so I will walk on.
Bruges was great, I will do a good blog post on it very soon, but on the ferry home...the dark waters beneath the ferry looked so inviting. It'd be so easy to just...jump in. While I'm still ahead. But is the situation bad enough? At all? Was I crazy? It is NOT end of the road for me.
So I took a moment to take stock, to look at the bigger picture. Yes, maybe it's time to go. Better now than in a year's time, when I still have not much to show, and not because of what I am incapable of. At least now I take away the most of what I have done; what I could do, but not have the opportunity to...and put it to good use elsewhere. "Free reins" was just an excuse, I'm not a salesperson.
I know what motivates me: That paycheque, the knowledge that what I do meant something, good communication and camaraderie, and that there's a team of supportive, equally enthusiastic workmates alongside me.
Will come back when I'm more cheery. Meanwhile, one gotta plod on.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Bye Pudu Jail
I did not apply for a single job last weekend.
I was bad. :(
*Bad, lazy Puiyee! BAD!*
On another thought, Pudu Jail is apparently going down tonight (probably is in the midst of being demolished already as we speak). I only feel a bit sorry because I spent my memorable primary school years in its vicinity only to watch the surrounding areas change and transform with shocking speed and brutal efficiency ...all in the name of development.
The monorail and Berjaya Times Square wasn't even there when I went to school there. The building across our school was called Shaw Parade, and we used to go to the McDs on the ground floor there before computer classes. That main road separating our school from McDs was where I learnt to cross roads safely. Bukit Bintang Girl School existed when I was a kid, and I could see it from my mum's office when she worked in KL Plaza.
These days I barely recognise the entire area. The Pandan roundabout was no more to start with. I wouldn't know how to go to Jln Loke Yew if you ask me these days. Jalan Peel, Jalan Cochrane, Jalan Tambi Dollah and Jalan Changkat Jering remain only names from my childhood.
And today another landmark will be physically removed from us.
Development, the evil word, huh?
Source:Pudu Jail
But not from my memories.
Those are good. Those remain treasured.
I was bad. :(
*Bad, lazy Puiyee! BAD!*
On another thought, Pudu Jail is apparently going down tonight (probably is in the midst of being demolished already as we speak). I only feel a bit sorry because I spent my memorable primary school years in its vicinity only to watch the surrounding areas change and transform with shocking speed and brutal efficiency ...all in the name of development.
The monorail and Berjaya Times Square wasn't even there when I went to school there. The building across our school was called Shaw Parade, and we used to go to the McDs on the ground floor there before computer classes. That main road separating our school from McDs was where I learnt to cross roads safely. Bukit Bintang Girl School existed when I was a kid, and I could see it from my mum's office when she worked in KL Plaza.
These days I barely recognise the entire area. The Pandan roundabout was no more to start with. I wouldn't know how to go to Jln Loke Yew if you ask me these days. Jalan Peel, Jalan Cochrane, Jalan Tambi Dollah and Jalan Changkat Jering remain only names from my childhood.
And today another landmark will be physically removed from us.
Development, the evil word, huh?
Source:Pudu Jail
But not from my memories.
Those are good. Those remain treasured.
Friday, June 18, 2010
NOTE TO SELF
WILL APPLY FOR JOBS THIS WEEKEND, NO PROCRASTINATING, ELSE, ONE WILL PUNISH ONESELF.
Yes, I'm screaming at myself. That's right.
Yes, I'm screaming at myself. That's right.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Weirdos abound
Confession: I FaceStalk.
A lot.
It pleases me immensely to log on in the mornings (after a 12-hour hiatus) to check on people's not just status messages, but posted items/links, changes, photos, events, etc.
I'm born nosy. I blame momma and dadda.
Maybe it's my Asian genes?
ANYWAY.
Point is, there is quite a few people who I FaceStalk especially simply because they post constantly and they're a laugh. They run the gamut - from being plain stupid to plain vain to simply unbelievably retarded (but believes otherwise).
I enjoy. A LOT! :D
Same reason why I read blogs written by an unnamed American-wise-guy-former-'expat'-in-Singapore-who-had-a-row-with-Xiaxue. Because some people are truly unbelieable, y'know? Plagiarism! Nicking ideas off other people! Stating the obvious! Viewing the world in one dimension!
Now...I'm not saying I'm not a weirdo/retard/vainpot myself. I am. I just happen to have a bit more self-awareness.
Siapa makan cili, dia terasa pedas lah, ya?
*If you eat spice, you'll feel the heat*
Otherwise, don't be perasan lah!
Trying to reflect the mean karma with a mirror as I type
A lot.
It pleases me immensely to log on in the mornings (after a 12-hour hiatus) to check on people's not just status messages, but posted items/links, changes, photos, events, etc.
I'm born nosy. I blame momma and dadda.
Maybe it's my Asian genes?
ANYWAY.
Point is, there is quite a few people who I FaceStalk especially simply because they post constantly and they're a laugh. They run the gamut - from being plain stupid to plain vain to simply unbelievably retarded (but believes otherwise).
I enjoy. A LOT! :D
Same reason why I read blogs written by an unnamed American-wise-guy-former-'expat'-in-Singapore-who-had-a-row-with-Xiaxue. Because some people are truly unbelieable, y'know? Plagiarism! Nicking ideas off other people! Stating the obvious! Viewing the world in one dimension!
Now...I'm not saying I'm not a weirdo/retard/vainpot myself. I am. I just happen to have a bit more self-awareness.
Siapa makan cili, dia terasa pedas lah, ya?
*If you eat spice, you'll feel the heat*
Otherwise, don't be perasan lah!
Trying to reflect the mean karma with a mirror as I type
Monday, June 14, 2010
Holiday booked
Well, not a holiday per se, more like a weekend getaway to Bruges, Belgium.
Itinerary
8 July
Sheffield --> Hull (train)
Hull --> Zeebrugge (overnight ferry)
9 July
Arrive in Zeebrugge --> Transfer to Bruges on coach
Explore city and check in hotel
10 July
Explore city
Evening coach from Bruges to Zeebrugge
Zeebrugge --> Hull
11 July
Hull --> Sheffield
Fingers crossed!
Itinerary
8 July
Sheffield --> Hull (train)
Hull --> Zeebrugge (overnight ferry)
9 July
Arrive in Zeebrugge --> Transfer to Bruges on coach
Explore city and check in hotel
10 July
Explore city
Evening coach from Bruges to Zeebrugge
Zeebrugge --> Hull
11 July
Hull --> Sheffield
Fingers crossed!
Tuesday, June 08, 2010
Twelve months today!
For posterity's sake (I'm really usually not this sentimental *cough*) -
And regrettably, we're not going to do anything "special"...well, because it's middle of the week, he's at home and we do plenty special things together anyway *wink*.
I mean, we do plenty of walks, meals, shopping, visiting, films...
Couple of things on the pipeline though: Maybe a 2-person BBQ in a park this weekend if the weather permits and/or a Japanese meal.
Love ya, you shmelly poo
And regrettably, we're not going to do anything "special"...well, because it's middle of the week, he's at home and we do plenty special things together anyway *wink*.
I mean, we do plenty of walks, meals, shopping, visiting, films...
Couple of things on the pipeline though: Maybe a 2-person BBQ in a park this weekend if the weather permits and/or a Japanese meal.
Love ya, you shmelly poo
Monday, June 07, 2010
Hunger and karipap
My stomach's been growling and grumbling for a while now. It's 11.53am and still at least half an hour before it is decent to have my lunch.
And I keep smelling curry puff (karipap to us Malaysians lah ya...) even though I think it's just the reduced continental loafs in my drawer (18p for 4!).
I'm thinking of Bruges or Amsterdam with the boy on either the 18th or 25th weekend.
We went to Leeds last Saturday but it was too warm and bright and sunshiny to do too much.
I cooked lamb shanks yesterday.
And I'd do many many things for one of these gemspreferably with a piece of boiled egg and many chicken chunks inside:
Credits
Oh mak aku...
And I keep smelling curry puff (karipap to us Malaysians lah ya...) even though I think it's just the reduced continental loafs in my drawer (18p for 4!).
I'm thinking of Bruges or Amsterdam with the boy on either the 18th or 25th weekend.
We went to Leeds last Saturday but it was too warm and bright and sunshiny to do too much.
I cooked lamb shanks yesterday.
And I'd do many many things for one of these gems
Credits
Oh mak aku...
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Delivery boy
Last night my housemate's Tesco delivery order arrived.
She was on the phone upstairs and her boyfriend was cleaning the toilet and trailing bleach.
I opened the door, greeted the guy, he looked at me, and was obviously taken in.
Small talks, passing around products ensued.
Tickles me to know I still *have it* despite being in an oversized uni hoodie.
*Pats back, me*
An entirely syiok sendiri post
She was on the phone upstairs and her boyfriend was cleaning the toilet and trailing bleach.
I opened the door, greeted the guy, he looked at me, and was obviously taken in.
Small talks, passing around products ensued.
Tickles me to know I still *have it* despite being in an oversized uni hoodie.
*Pats back, me*
An entirely syiok sendiri post
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Don't know now
What do you do, when you know someone close is walking down the other path?
That it's a road of no-return, and their mindset, beliefs and faith, will all be so irrevocably different, so opposing and opposed of yours?
That the very core, essence, nature of your friendship, of the trust and love you placed on it, will have to change?
I've lost so much, and I'm losing this one more.
Feels like one more reason to hate.
That it's a road of no-return, and their mindset, beliefs and faith, will all be so irrevocably different, so opposing and opposed of yours?
That the very core, essence, nature of your friendship, of the trust and love you placed on it, will have to change?
I've lost so much, and I'm losing this one more.
Feels like one more reason to hate.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Too many women?
With the addition of another person into our house, we have a total of 4 females and one male living together in close quarters.
One evening, we all sat together to watch Ally McBeal and naturally, girl-friendly conversations ensued.
Our lone male housemate took a bottle of beer from the shelf, retired to the kitchen, tuned in to Hallam FM, and contemplated life.
And that's how I found him, sipping his beer.
'Too many women!', he said.
Classic.
One evening, we all sat together to watch Ally McBeal and naturally, girl-friendly conversations ensued.
Our lone male housemate took a bottle of beer from the shelf, retired to the kitchen, tuned in to Hallam FM, and contemplated life.
And that's how I found him, sipping his beer.
'Too many women!', he said.
Classic.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
A day in the life of...
Bliss is...when the weather permits and you and your housemates walk to the market to shop; when you smell charcoal smoke wafting in the air; when you hear the sound of meat sizzling on the barbie, and when you have a huge chow-down session with loads meat, potato salad and laughter.
This is our very first BBQ of the year, despite the threatening rain (it did drizzle lightly at one point, we moved the BBQ to the alleyway between our house and neighbour's) it was amazing.
![](http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs337.snc3/29463_397149959676_612479676_4441491_5435821_n.jpg")
Then a week later, to celebrate my housemate Ally (long-awaited) finishing her dissertation, Hilary moving into the house, and mine and Tim J and Tim C's birthdays, and Marcia's internship with the British Red Cross (yes a lot of reasons to celebrate!), we had another BBQ.
It was a warmer, sunnier day as well.
Marcia wrapping up Tim C's present, our kitchen looked like a mini-disaster zone with plates, salad bowls and sauces spread around.
I do love this photo, it's really not that great it being unfocused and grainy...but it did capture the moment.
And finally, just to show off, my massive birthday card...
![](http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs337.snc3/29463_397149974676_612479676_4441492_2681702_n.jpg")
It's a good start to warmer weather, but I'm finally old enough to not want to tell people my age anymore.
Ish.
This is our very first BBQ of the year, despite the threatening rain (it did drizzle lightly at one point, we moved the BBQ to the alleyway between our house and neighbour's) it was amazing.
Then a week later, to celebrate my housemate Ally (long-awaited) finishing her dissertation, Hilary moving into the house, and mine and Tim J and Tim C's birthdays, and Marcia's internship with the British Red Cross (yes a lot of reasons to celebrate!), we had another BBQ.
It was a warmer, sunnier day as well.
Marcia wrapping up Tim C's present, our kitchen looked like a mini-disaster zone with plates, salad bowls and sauces spread around.
I do love this photo, it's really not that great it being unfocused and grainy...but it did capture the moment.
And finally, just to show off, my massive birthday card...
It's a good start to warmer weather, but I'm finally old enough to not want to tell people my age anymore.
Ish.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Bad habit
When I'm in a supermarket or sandwich shop or newsagent...
I am always tempted to pick up a snack or two. And sometimes I succumb.
A bar of chocolate. A bag of crisps. A stick of Starburst.
But I never finish them. Actually, I don't even open them or look at them. They sit on my table for weeks and weeks, til Tim asks if he can have some. I always let him finish them off.
Aior...either I eat or I stop buying. Cos I have a lone packet of Salt & Vinegar Walkers Crisps on my desk and 2/3 of a stick of Starburst in my drawer that will remain uneaten now.
I am always tempted to pick up a snack or two. And sometimes I succumb.
A bar of chocolate. A bag of crisps. A stick of Starburst.
But I never finish them. Actually, I don't even open them or look at them. They sit on my table for weeks and weeks, til Tim asks if he can have some. I always let him finish them off.
Aior...either I eat or I stop buying. Cos I have a lone packet of Salt & Vinegar Walkers Crisps on my desk and 2/3 of a stick of Starburst in my drawer that will remain uneaten now.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Brick wall
Dear me,
I really, really need to talk. I just don't know who'd listen and help me analyse this. I've been feeling a tad low.
I wonder what it takes to make lasting relationships.
Because I seem to be the type who burns bridges every so often...and awful as it is, the last few weeks, I have been and still is tempted, to burn that one bridge that I have cultivated, watered, fed and nurtured for a year now. Well, more like built foundations, laid bricks, painted and tarmacked considering I'm speaking of a bridge...but anyhow, my heart is painfully telling me, I want out.
But immediately after that, I know how absurd it is, because there is no solid reason to, apart from my feeling bored and frustrated about how life is going in general. That I want to set myself free once again, into the world, and start again.
Reset.
I can't. The illusion that I have done it once came from the generousity of my dad. There will be no second chance, and rightly so. There's nothing left I'm allowed to ask beyond what I have already demanded.
Why? What is it?
Dancing on my tongue is the closest easiest reply: I'm afraid of commitment. I want to hold out.
But for what? How greedy can I get? When will enough really be enough for me?
I just feel at this moment, that life is on a bit of a freefall. I feel like I have no support, and I'm too prideful, too ashamed to ask. To admit I don't know, to admit how green I still am. I am on the verge of cracking, perhaps already am, but I can't pinpoint the exact reason(s), and it baffles me because I'm supposed to be a strong person. But a strong person doesn't snap and throw tantrums and sulk. And those are the very things I found myself doing to comfort myself, reminiscence of the young girl I was. The only element missing is the out-and-out yelling and arguing.
I just want to jump onto aplane train (volcano ash, less carbon footprints) and leave once again. When will I learn, truly learn to be in control? Why the relapses?
Heart, be still...
I really, really need to talk. I just don't know who'd listen and help me analyse this. I've been feeling a tad low.
I wonder what it takes to make lasting relationships.
Because I seem to be the type who burns bridges every so often...and awful as it is, the last few weeks, I have been and still is tempted, to burn that one bridge that I have cultivated, watered, fed and nurtured for a year now. Well, more like built foundations, laid bricks, painted and tarmacked considering I'm speaking of a bridge...but anyhow, my heart is painfully telling me, I want out.
But immediately after that, I know how absurd it is, because there is no solid reason to, apart from my feeling bored and frustrated about how life is going in general. That I want to set myself free once again, into the world, and start again.
Reset.
I can't. The illusion that I have done it once came from the generousity of my dad. There will be no second chance, and rightly so. There's nothing left I'm allowed to ask beyond what I have already demanded.
Why? What is it?
Dancing on my tongue is the closest easiest reply: I'm afraid of commitment. I want to hold out.
But for what? How greedy can I get? When will enough really be enough for me?
I just feel at this moment, that life is on a bit of a freefall. I feel like I have no support, and I'm too prideful, too ashamed to ask. To admit I don't know, to admit how green I still am. I am on the verge of cracking, perhaps already am, but I can't pinpoint the exact reason(s), and it baffles me because I'm supposed to be a strong person. But a strong person doesn't snap and throw tantrums and sulk. And those are the very things I found myself doing to comfort myself, reminiscence of the young girl I was. The only element missing is the out-and-out yelling and arguing.
I just want to jump onto a
Heart, be still...
Friday, May 14, 2010
So much to say...
...but really, nowhere to say it.
Because half (or most) are just thoughts floating in my head, the need to whinge and moan.
1. My tummy hurts :(
2. My hands are cold, the office is cold.
3. I don't wanna work today, still tired from yesterday.
4. I feel like cooking. Its extremely satisfying. Even if it goes wrong, it won't taste horrible. Because its usually just the case of not getting the 'right' taste, but I'm glad apart from being slightly heavy-handed with salt (and pepper), I've got good seasoning 'eye'
5. I'm slightly put out with The Boy. I don't know why. I know I shouldn't be. I'm being unreasonable. I'm feeling the sort of feelings I should not be feeling. I need to master them and be more rational. Do not let my heart rule over my head.
6. I have 7 hours til end of my work day.
7. My hands are still cold.
8. I want more money.
9. I wanna fly off somewhere again. Or take a train. Just go away.
10. Just Friday blues, shut up Puiyee.
Because half (or most) are just thoughts floating in my head, the need to whinge and moan.
1. My tummy hurts :(
2. My hands are cold, the office is cold.
3. I don't wanna work today, still tired from yesterday.
4. I feel like cooking. Its extremely satisfying. Even if it goes wrong, it won't taste horrible. Because its usually just the case of not getting the 'right' taste, but I'm glad apart from being slightly heavy-handed with salt (and pepper), I've got good seasoning 'eye'
5. I'm slightly put out with The Boy. I don't know why. I know I shouldn't be. I'm being unreasonable. I'm feeling the sort of feelings I should not be feeling. I need to master them and be more rational. Do not let my heart rule over my head.
6. I have 7 hours til end of my work day.
7. My hands are still cold.
8. I want more money.
9. I wanna fly off somewhere again. Or take a train. Just go away.
10. Just Friday blues, shut up Puiyee.
Thursday, May 06, 2010
An unusual feeling indeed
And that feeling is, at the moment, pretty content.
Very rarely I share news of joy, because of my inherent fear of jinxing things. Sort of like, by voicing something aloud, I turn it pear-shaped.
But as I walk home from work these days (I still sleep late and drag myself up in the mornings), I feel good. I have a vague smile on my face. I wave hello to the little old lady standing outside her house at 5.15pm every evening.
I feel in some ways I've came a full circle. Its a good feeling.
Yesterday I got tired of my long hair and trimmed it myself on my bed with the bin sat next to my covers. Today I changed all my bedcovers. My duvet's bright and pink again. I get paid tomorrow. It's also UK elections day. My laptop screen busted 2 weeks ago, and the computer guy at the computer shop is taking his time. Tim loaned me his laptop. No stress.
It's 12.45am, I should shower and sleep soon. Maybe after reading some news on the Beeb. Maybe after watching Jamie 'Oh my Lord!' Oliver prance his way through Stockholm.
Very rarely I share news of joy, because of my inherent fear of jinxing things. Sort of like, by voicing something aloud, I turn it pear-shaped.
But as I walk home from work these days (I still sleep late and drag myself up in the mornings), I feel good. I have a vague smile on my face. I wave hello to the little old lady standing outside her house at 5.15pm every evening.
I feel in some ways I've came a full circle. Its a good feeling.
Yesterday I got tired of my long hair and trimmed it myself on my bed with the bin sat next to my covers. Today I changed all my bedcovers. My duvet's bright and pink again. I get paid tomorrow. It's also UK elections day. My laptop screen busted 2 weeks ago, and the computer guy at the computer shop is taking his time. Tim loaned me his laptop. No stress.
It's 12.45am, I should shower and sleep soon. Maybe after reading some news on the Beeb. Maybe after watching Jamie 'Oh my Lord!' Oliver prance his way through Stockholm.
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
Bahasa saya....
...sangat, sangat karat.
Apakah punca masalahnya? Sistem pelajaran yang tidak berkesan? Masa di bangku sekolah, selama 11 tahun, saya fasih Bahasa, siap dengan loghat Melayu. Tapi, tinggalkan sekolah sahaja, hancur terus, penguasaan bahasa langsung menjadi lemah.
Sekarang, nak fikirkan perkataan pun susah, lidah kelu, kena cari di Wikipedia atau kamus Inggeris-Melayu!
Dan dahlah sekarang daku di seberang laut, tiada peluang berbahasa. Maklumlah, jarang dapat bertemu orang Malaysia, tegur sapa pun cuma di kedai sesekali-sekala.
Aduh, sedih. Sedih.
Apakah punca masalahnya? Sistem pelajaran yang tidak berkesan? Masa di bangku sekolah, selama 11 tahun, saya fasih Bahasa, siap dengan loghat Melayu. Tapi, tinggalkan sekolah sahaja, hancur terus, penguasaan bahasa langsung menjadi lemah.
Sekarang, nak fikirkan perkataan pun susah, lidah kelu, kena cari di Wikipedia atau kamus Inggeris-Melayu!
Dan dahlah sekarang daku di seberang laut, tiada peluang berbahasa. Maklumlah, jarang dapat bertemu orang Malaysia, tegur sapa pun cuma di kedai sesekali-sekala.
Aduh, sedih. Sedih.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Oh I have a blog!
Before I start, it's Tim's birthday today. 26 and ticking.
Happy Birthday, darling!
Good thing I remember sometimes.
That, you know, I have a blog. To think it's accompanied me through, how many years now, 7 or 8? being my constant white slate to ponder on, vent out and analyse life as it unfolds for me...
Its purpose changed, of course...I learnt about the pros and cons of airing dirty linen in public, the consequences of uncensored thoughts to people around me and to have trolls and teenage-hormone-fueled cruel comments posted to me years and years ago.
Now I'm not even sure I have readers, and it doesn't matter in the slightest. Tim asked me the other day, why do people blog? If they don't intend it for an audience, why make it public at all? And why do we allow strangers to read our thoughts, the very same we hesitate to tell, or downright hide away from our loved ones.
I don't know. Personally, maybe in some ways it helped me censor my thoughts? That I have true, very un-PC or very biased/ignorant/unkind thoughts, but I learn to keep those quiet by posting only what I think is okay to say on here? It's no longer an arena for me to moan about my mom, or the tediousness of chores or the minute details of my day-to-day living, so what is it for me then?
It seems like all I do is to vent here. Why not in a diary then? Because...it's just easier to type and post, than to put (real) pen on (real) paper? Besides I don't have to lug a diary around with me. I just need access to a computer and the Internet. Or at worst, a pendrive. And as we all know, it's easier to find a cyber cafe these days than to find a stationary shop, yes?
Anyway, as I ramble on aimlessly, a beautiful rainbow appeared outside my window, underlining the beauty that appears alongside grey April showers, its semi-circle obvious and it felt like if I'd care to do so, I could walk to either of its end and find my pot of gold. And as I look up, now, it's already faded, reminding me how fleeting (or ephemeral or transient, whichever you prefer) beauty and really, life is.
And yes, the underlining point is, I no longer come here and confide regularly, willingly. So why do I keep it up? Is it for sentimental reasons? Or the once-in-a-blue-moon urge to blog, like right now? I don't know. Maybe its just for posterity reasons, voicing my soliloquy, aloud. Maybe I just want a form of memory so that I can look back 10, 20, 30 years down the road. Books can rot and disappear, but I don't see that happening to the Internet. Or maybe it's a false sense of security. Who knows?
But I think I should post things up more often. Even if its only a new haircut, or someone's birthday, or just a good/bad day.
And yes, some good news finally: Third time lucky, you'd call it, I interviewed for Towntalk UK for a 12-week internship, and guess who received the formal offer?
Real work for me at last. Time to do what I can do, and find a way into a permanent career path. I hope I won't cock it up to say the least, and that I'll do more than well.
I start tomorrow.
Oooh, am already nervous!
Happy Birthday, darling!
Good thing I remember sometimes.
That, you know, I have a blog. To think it's accompanied me through, how many years now, 7 or 8? being my constant white slate to ponder on, vent out and analyse life as it unfolds for me...
Its purpose changed, of course...I learnt about the pros and cons of airing dirty linen in public, the consequences of uncensored thoughts to people around me and to have trolls and teenage-hormone-fueled cruel comments posted to me years and years ago.
Now I'm not even sure I have readers, and it doesn't matter in the slightest. Tim asked me the other day, why do people blog? If they don't intend it for an audience, why make it public at all? And why do we allow strangers to read our thoughts, the very same we hesitate to tell, or downright hide away from our loved ones.
I don't know. Personally, maybe in some ways it helped me censor my thoughts? That I have true, very un-PC or very biased/ignorant/unkind thoughts, but I learn to keep those quiet by posting only what I think is okay to say on here? It's no longer an arena for me to moan about my mom, or the tediousness of chores or the minute details of my day-to-day living, so what is it for me then?
It seems like all I do is to vent here. Why not in a diary then? Because...it's just easier to type and post, than to put (real) pen on (real) paper? Besides I don't have to lug a diary around with me. I just need access to a computer and the Internet. Or at worst, a pendrive. And as we all know, it's easier to find a cyber cafe these days than to find a stationary shop, yes?
Anyway, as I ramble on aimlessly, a beautiful rainbow appeared outside my window, underlining the beauty that appears alongside grey April showers, its semi-circle obvious and it felt like if I'd care to do so, I could walk to either of its end and find my pot of gold. And as I look up, now, it's already faded, reminding me how fleeting (or ephemeral or transient, whichever you prefer) beauty and really, life is.
And yes, the underlining point is, I no longer come here and confide regularly, willingly. So why do I keep it up? Is it for sentimental reasons? Or the once-in-a-blue-moon urge to blog, like right now? I don't know. Maybe its just for posterity reasons, voicing my soliloquy, aloud. Maybe I just want a form of memory so that I can look back 10, 20, 30 years down the road. Books can rot and disappear, but I don't see that happening to the Internet. Or maybe it's a false sense of security. Who knows?
But I think I should post things up more often. Even if its only a new haircut, or someone's birthday, or just a good/bad day.
And yes, some good news finally: Third time lucky, you'd call it, I interviewed for Towntalk UK for a 12-week internship, and guess who received the formal offer?
Real work for me at last. Time to do what I can do, and find a way into a permanent career path. I hope I won't cock it up to say the least, and that I'll do more than well.
I start tomorrow.
Oooh, am already nervous!
Monday, April 05, 2010
Do Not Know...
why...
But.
Anger, hopelessness and melancholy has been my companion all last night and today.
The fight I fight seems too immense. Like a losing battle.
A voice niggling inside telling me to quit while I'm ahead.
Cut my losses and move on.
I've left my home, my country, my friends, my family.
Can't go back.
Can't go ahead.
No faith no love no trust.
But.
Anger, hopelessness and melancholy has been my companion all last night and today.
The fight I fight seems too immense. Like a losing battle.
A voice niggling inside telling me to quit while I'm ahead.
Cut my losses and move on.
I've left my home, my country, my friends, my family.
Can't go back.
Can't go ahead.
No faith no love no trust.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
A bit of mumble jumble
Quite a jumbled mind I have in recent days...
Where do I start?
The main things are: I've started a job, I'm depressed, and I'm trapped in circles made in my own head.
Right now I'm listening to One Republic's Come Home...I know it's a sad song, but for some reason it's also one of the most memorable songs and one of my favourites. Not just lyrics-wise, but also how haunting it all sounds, I don't care what you say, that it's pop and mainstream or whatever, I'm a conformist! Therefore I listen to mainstream music, kapish?
But, yeah, it's like, a couple years ago (or maybe it's more than that, I'm getting older afterall), I felt like I need to run away to find myself. But then I learnt maybe I will have to run away, learn and then realise what I want is at home anyway. But I'm not ready to go home.
And there's nothing I desire more than happiness, but what if it's at the expense of others? Would that still make me happy in the long run and in the bigger picture? I don't know. All I know is, my life's in a limbo at the minute, I have half a job that I'm really unhappy about, no clear plans for the next month, much less 3, 6, 12 or 18 months ahead, and should I even plan when life's so fragile and so surprising, and throws you many twists? I don't know either.
I guess I'm now living life "on the run" if it makes sense. I just don't want to be on a freefall and splat on the ground because then that wouldn't be pretty. Acceptance is hard, especially of reality and the practicality of things. I always considered myself practical and down-to-earth. But I'm also very set in my ways, willful and stubborn. I want things in a certain way, and usually, my way and my way only. To accept that this job is all I can hope for at the moment, that I need to dredge to my workplace every morning, that I have to stop throwing tantrums the moment my alarm rings and to stop looking so miserable at work...all that is difficult. I just can't swallow it. Or accept it.
People come in all shapes and forms, and I need to remember the learning opportunity that I can take away from this, even if the financial gain is but a pittance. And remember the goodness, the kindness and the generosity of strangers.
I need to learn this lesson now if I want to move on with life: That the world is not just my oyster, it's also millions of other people's oysters. That when I take, I should be taking away from another person. I don't know where I'm going with this...because now the thought struck me. Couple of posts ago, I asked for luck with something important; it was for a job interview. I didn't get it, of course...the other person showed a bit more "knowledge" than I did during the interview. Otherwise I was perfect in every way. I took that hard, perhaps too hard. I was picked over, and I took it personally. But then, who can I blame?
It wasn't for my lack of passion, it was for my lack of knowledge.
I feel slightly, ok, very cheated.
I can't believe right now how much passion, how much drive, how much want I'm showing in wanting to prove my abilities and potential and break into the communications industry. I've said this before, and now with even more conviction, after I've landed my current dismal job in a call centre, cold calling businesses to ask for their details. It's probably the easiest job with the chillest team in the entire centre, but I seeth under the control and manipulation of the supervising team leaders. I refuse to be played like I'm daft, I refuse to submit to their wishes and phrasing my words and mentality in the way they wanted me to. I refuse to be baited to enter their insipid contests to be top caller so that I earn an extra £5 or be given chocolates for rewards. I feel more strongly than ever that I'm more than that, that....I have ambition. I have dreams.
I refuse to spend my time in a dead end job in a call centre.
But more and more, I'm afraid my dreams will only remain as such, that my writing has suffered and is suffering, and I've lost my mojo, and the ability to express. I just want to be given a chance, I feel like I'm fighting a hopeless fight. My actions sometimes indicate I've given up, but no, I haven't and I won't. I can't. I just want to eke out a life for myself, to find meaning to my life, here.
And once I give up, I give up the expectations, hopes and dreams of not only myself, but of those I love and cherish. But the self-doubts question whether I deserve chances at all. Have I worked hard enough to go where I want to be.
Secretly, maybe the answer is no.
Where do I start?
The main things are: I've started a job, I'm depressed, and I'm trapped in circles made in my own head.
Right now I'm listening to One Republic's Come Home...I know it's a sad song, but for some reason it's also one of the most memorable songs and one of my favourites. Not just lyrics-wise, but also how haunting it all sounds, I don't care what you say, that it's pop and mainstream or whatever, I'm a conformist! Therefore I listen to mainstream music, kapish?
But, yeah, it's like, a couple years ago (or maybe it's more than that, I'm getting older afterall), I felt like I need to run away to find myself. But then I learnt maybe I will have to run away, learn and then realise what I want is at home anyway. But I'm not ready to go home.
And there's nothing I desire more than happiness, but what if it's at the expense of others? Would that still make me happy in the long run and in the bigger picture? I don't know. All I know is, my life's in a limbo at the minute, I have half a job that I'm really unhappy about, no clear plans for the next month, much less 3, 6, 12 or 18 months ahead, and should I even plan when life's so fragile and so surprising, and throws you many twists? I don't know either.
I guess I'm now living life "on the run" if it makes sense. I just don't want to be on a freefall and splat on the ground because then that wouldn't be pretty. Acceptance is hard, especially of reality and the practicality of things. I always considered myself practical and down-to-earth. But I'm also very set in my ways, willful and stubborn. I want things in a certain way, and usually, my way and my way only. To accept that this job is all I can hope for at the moment, that I need to dredge to my workplace every morning, that I have to stop throwing tantrums the moment my alarm rings and to stop looking so miserable at work...all that is difficult. I just can't swallow it. Or accept it.
People come in all shapes and forms, and I need to remember the learning opportunity that I can take away from this, even if the financial gain is but a pittance. And remember the goodness, the kindness and the generosity of strangers.
I need to learn this lesson now if I want to move on with life: That the world is not just my oyster, it's also millions of other people's oysters. That when I take, I should be taking away from another person. I don't know where I'm going with this...because now the thought struck me. Couple of posts ago, I asked for luck with something important; it was for a job interview. I didn't get it, of course...the other person showed a bit more "knowledge" than I did during the interview. Otherwise I was perfect in every way. I took that hard, perhaps too hard. I was picked over, and I took it personally. But then, who can I blame?
It wasn't for my lack of passion, it was for my lack of knowledge.
I feel slightly, ok, very cheated.
I can't believe right now how much passion, how much drive, how much want I'm showing in wanting to prove my abilities and potential and break into the communications industry. I've said this before, and now with even more conviction, after I've landed my current dismal job in a call centre, cold calling businesses to ask for their details. It's probably the easiest job with the chillest team in the entire centre, but I seeth under the control and manipulation of the supervising team leaders. I refuse to be played like I'm daft, I refuse to submit to their wishes and phrasing my words and mentality in the way they wanted me to. I refuse to be baited to enter their insipid contests to be top caller so that I earn an extra £5 or be given chocolates for rewards. I feel more strongly than ever that I'm more than that, that....I have ambition. I have dreams.
I refuse to spend my time in a dead end job in a call centre.
But more and more, I'm afraid my dreams will only remain as such, that my writing has suffered and is suffering, and I've lost my mojo, and the ability to express. I just want to be given a chance, I feel like I'm fighting a hopeless fight. My actions sometimes indicate I've given up, but no, I haven't and I won't. I can't. I just want to eke out a life for myself, to find meaning to my life, here.
And once I give up, I give up the expectations, hopes and dreams of not only myself, but of those I love and cherish. But the self-doubts question whether I deserve chances at all. Have I worked hard enough to go where I want to be.
Secretly, maybe the answer is no.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Ugly Chinks
Case 1:
Few weeks ago, I walked back from town and was crossing a big busy street. I saw a teenaged couple with a baby stroller. We passed by each other and he called out "Ching! Chong!" and she giggled.
Case 2:
Right round the corner from Chinese New Year, Tim and I were walking by the playground at the top of Edmund Road, when we saw two kids, a girl and boy, about 8 and 6, squatting down near where we'd walk past them. She called out "Chinkhead!" It was so unbelievable it took me and Tim literally moments to register. We turned around and they were stood there looking pleased with themselves. We walked off. They followed, yelling "Chinkhead!" over and over.
I was shaking with anger. What can you say or do to kids? Who are their parents and what have they whispered into these kids' ears? It was incredulous. I think I've witnessed a complete cycle.
Few weeks ago, I walked back from town and was crossing a big busy street. I saw a teenaged couple with a baby stroller. We passed by each other and he called out "Ching! Chong!" and she giggled.
Case 2:
Right round the corner from Chinese New Year, Tim and I were walking by the playground at the top of Edmund Road, when we saw two kids, a girl and boy, about 8 and 6, squatting down near where we'd walk past them. She called out "Chinkhead!" It was so unbelievable it took me and Tim literally moments to register. We turned around and they were stood there looking pleased with themselves. We walked off. They followed, yelling "Chinkhead!" over and over.
I was shaking with anger. What can you say or do to kids? Who are their parents and what have they whispered into these kids' ears? It was incredulous. I think I've witnessed a complete cycle.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
...the dog eat dog world
Sometimes they say waiting is the most painful thing in the world.
Sometimes they say rejection is.
Or maybe forgetting the rejection.
All I know is, I think Coelho didn't know what he was talking about when he said, When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.
I guess you don't deserve unearned desires.
But when I really wanted something, needed it, paid my dues to try to achieve it and felt it fell right through my fingers...
And I don't know where to go from here.
Now, that's pain.
Sometimes they say rejection is.
Or maybe forgetting the rejection.
All I know is, I think Coelho didn't know what he was talking about when he said, When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.
I guess you don't deserve unearned desires.
But when I really wanted something, needed it, paid my dues to try to achieve it and felt it fell right through my fingers...
And I don't know where to go from here.
Now, that's pain.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
Just another jot
Sometimes it feels like I have a lot to say, but don't know where to start.
Other times it's lidah kelu...like my brain's filled with vapid nothingless and I struggle to form intelligible thoughts.
Opening my folder full of songs I downloaded since 1998(?) and playing them in the middle of the night have that effect on me - melancholy, loneliness and hopelessness.
But all's okay, I will not wake up tomorrow morning sad. Still...that effect...
How has January came and gone? Perhaps it rated high above as one of the most challenging months for me yet - emotionally and mentally. With the 50-60 job applications I sent and nothing positive back, I have every reason to self-doubt, self-question and let resolution and confidence slip right through the door. In short, I've never felt so, well, rejected, in my life. Still, its just another life lesson: learn to take it astride and get on with it, no?
I woke up this morning with so much doubt and worry on my mind, it took me awhile to plaster on a smile and chase them ugly thoughts away. Everything felt like it's been put on hold, that my state of happiness is fleeting and temporary and hinges on something more tangible. And that tangibility is placed on one thing: Getting a (decent) job so that I can get on with the order of earning some money. But it's also a certain motivation within me to give back what I've learnt and apply it in real-life circumstances and to have it enrich my life, and learn more somehow, this time in practice. I am ready for the next chapter but it feels like there's a stretch yet before I can turn the page.
But, what is it? The economy? The fact that I'm foreign? My lack of experience in the job market here? My (lack of) education? Something I'm not doing right with my CV or covering letters? I don't know, and I wish I do know so that I can start improving, y'know? I'm seized by so many panicky moments that one day soon I'd have to pack and leave, then I'd segue to a strong determination to stay, and then hopelessness from not being able to get a job. I think I've cornered myself and perhaps it's not the right mindframe. There's always agencies though it'll be last-ditch option. There's many options I've not even begun to explore. I just need to remind myself to keep an open mind and eye, to be careful of my spending and to keep, keep positive. I know I am good (or at least not bad) and I just need to open that door, that opportunity to prove I can. It's frustrating but I'll get my day in the sun. Somehow. By hook or by crook.
It's not like I don't have anything to do meanwhile...job applications can take hours at a time. I've just procured the entire Harry Potter book set for under £12 (had a headstart by being given 2 for free) and finishing the 2nd book now, and picked up a Marketing Communications book from Sheffield Hallam library and going through it as well. And there's the foodblog I've started but filled with nary a thing. I'm also reading foodblogs by the bowlful and picking up recipes from Appetite for China and Rasa Malaysia and a bunch of others. There's walks to Heeley City Farm and to town to pick up this and that with Tim. And when all else fail, there's iplayer and 4oD. It's just frustrating that money (or the lack of) severely limits what I can do. But bright side: I'm thoroughly enjoying my Potter books, and surprisingly enjoying the Marketing Comm book too - I didn't realise how much I learnt in my undergrad years were related to Marketing Comm as a whole (though doh, it was a Communications degree) and what we were taught in Advertising also relates to Marketing. I'm happiest when I'm mentally stimulated, the geek that I am. So I feel a lot more fulfilled that I have been for days...Tim is now actively 'correcting' my enunciation (and sometimes pronunciation!) so my English English (as opposed to Malaysian English) is improving, and oh not to mention I have some cleaning up to do before Chinese New Year and there's the pleasant thoughts of what to make for New Year's Eve (braised pork belly and turmeric stir-fried cabbage?), and the thought of hanging my face over a bowl of steaming, creamy and spicy curry laksa from a small-alley Malaysian coffeeshop couple weeks from now in London is making me feel distinctively buoyant.
Perhaps there's a thing or two I could also mention, but I'm ever so slightly superstitious and I don't wanna jinx myself. So cross fingers and wish me good luck please? And I'll tell when there's good news. Promise.
Other times it's lidah kelu...like my brain's filled with vapid nothingless and I struggle to form intelligible thoughts.
Opening my folder full of songs I downloaded since 1998(?) and playing them in the middle of the night have that effect on me - melancholy, loneliness and hopelessness.
But all's okay, I will not wake up tomorrow morning sad. Still...that effect...
How has January came and gone? Perhaps it rated high above as one of the most challenging months for me yet - emotionally and mentally. With the 50-60 job applications I sent and nothing positive back, I have every reason to self-doubt, self-question and let resolution and confidence slip right through the door. In short, I've never felt so, well, rejected, in my life. Still, its just another life lesson: learn to take it astride and get on with it, no?
I woke up this morning with so much doubt and worry on my mind, it took me awhile to plaster on a smile and chase them ugly thoughts away. Everything felt like it's been put on hold, that my state of happiness is fleeting and temporary and hinges on something more tangible. And that tangibility is placed on one thing: Getting a (decent) job so that I can get on with the order of earning some money. But it's also a certain motivation within me to give back what I've learnt and apply it in real-life circumstances and to have it enrich my life, and learn more somehow, this time in practice. I am ready for the next chapter but it feels like there's a stretch yet before I can turn the page.
But, what is it? The economy? The fact that I'm foreign? My lack of experience in the job market here? My (lack of) education? Something I'm not doing right with my CV or covering letters? I don't know, and I wish I do know so that I can start improving, y'know? I'm seized by so many panicky moments that one day soon I'd have to pack and leave, then I'd segue to a strong determination to stay, and then hopelessness from not being able to get a job. I think I've cornered myself and perhaps it's not the right mindframe. There's always agencies though it'll be last-ditch option. There's many options I've not even begun to explore. I just need to remind myself to keep an open mind and eye, to be careful of my spending and to keep, keep positive. I know I am good (or at least not bad) and I just need to open that door, that opportunity to prove I can. It's frustrating but I'll get my day in the sun. Somehow. By hook or by crook.
It's not like I don't have anything to do meanwhile...job applications can take hours at a time. I've just procured the entire Harry Potter book set for under £12 (had a headstart by being given 2 for free) and finishing the 2nd book now, and picked up a Marketing Communications book from Sheffield Hallam library and going through it as well. And there's the foodblog I've started but filled with nary a thing. I'm also reading foodblogs by the bowlful and picking up recipes from Appetite for China and Rasa Malaysia and a bunch of others. There's walks to Heeley City Farm and to town to pick up this and that with Tim. And when all else fail, there's iplayer and 4oD. It's just frustrating that money (or the lack of) severely limits what I can do. But bright side: I'm thoroughly enjoying my Potter books, and surprisingly enjoying the Marketing Comm book too - I didn't realise how much I learnt in my undergrad years were related to Marketing Comm as a whole (though doh, it was a Communications degree) and what we were taught in Advertising also relates to Marketing. I'm happiest when I'm mentally stimulated, the geek that I am. So I feel a lot more fulfilled that I have been for days...Tim is now actively 'correcting' my enunciation (and sometimes pronunciation!) so my English English (as opposed to Malaysian English) is improving, and oh not to mention I have some cleaning up to do before Chinese New Year and there's the pleasant thoughts of what to make for New Year's Eve (braised pork belly and turmeric stir-fried cabbage?), and the thought of hanging my face over a bowl of steaming, creamy and spicy curry laksa from a small-alley Malaysian coffeeshop couple weeks from now in London is making me feel distinctively buoyant.
Perhaps there's a thing or two I could also mention, but I'm ever so slightly superstitious and I don't wanna jinx myself. So cross fingers and wish me good luck please? And I'll tell when there's good news. Promise.
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
Post on FB wall to someone in the same shoes.
I don't even use a Western type name. It's Puiyee Khong all the way. And it's probably why I have never been called for an interview.
I suspected that long ago, when I tried applying for part time bar/retail work. They never ring.
Well, its not an equal country for sure, I've had people accusing me of wanting to stay here for a myriad of reasons, as if I came from a backward, poor country and needed to claw my way here to survive somehow when in reality I could easily go home or to Singapore and get decent positions, and I would never describe my background as poor or backward. Also, had unsavoury council types accusing us of overstaying and stealing jobs, but hey, I'm not the one on dole and sat on my arse all day yelling about footie on the telly. I just happened to like it here, fell in love with a local boy and decided I could stay for a while and see how things go. Then people seemed to think I nabbed him because I wanted British residency. Can't win at all can I?
Not to say the least of the people who go "nihaooooo" or "ding dong dang" at me ....I feel that racism is so rift here, more so than I've ever encountered from individuals at home (problem in Malaysia is more structural and at political levels, which is also why I rather stay here than go home), and I'm so fed up I can retort "I'm not from China, douchebag" within a split second of someone trying to be funny to me. I feel strangely more Malaysian than ever and refuse to identify too closely to the Chinese students here, but a lonely one because I'm not in the Malaysian circles in Sheffield. It's quite a lonely existence already without battling the voice telling me that this is quite a discriminating country despite what they try to portray. So, grass is not greener on the other side, tough life eh.
I suspected that long ago, when I tried applying for part time bar/retail work. They never ring.
Well, its not an equal country for sure, I've had people accusing me of wanting to stay here for a myriad of reasons, as if I came from a backward, poor country and needed to claw my way here to survive somehow when in reality I could easily go home or to Singapore and get decent positions, and I would never describe my background as poor or backward. Also, had unsavoury council types accusing us of overstaying and stealing jobs, but hey, I'm not the one on dole and sat on my arse all day yelling about footie on the telly. I just happened to like it here, fell in love with a local boy and decided I could stay for a while and see how things go. Then people seemed to think I nabbed him because I wanted British residency. Can't win at all can I?
Not to say the least of the people who go "nihaooooo" or "ding dong dang" at me ....I feel that racism is so rift here, more so than I've ever encountered from individuals at home (problem in Malaysia is more structural and at political levels, which is also why I rather stay here than go home), and I'm so fed up I can retort "I'm not from China, douchebag" within a split second of someone trying to be funny to me. I feel strangely more Malaysian than ever and refuse to identify too closely to the Chinese students here, but a lonely one because I'm not in the Malaysian circles in Sheffield. It's quite a lonely existence already without battling the voice telling me that this is quite a discriminating country despite what they try to portray. So, grass is not greener on the other side, tough life eh.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
New food blog!
No I have not moved.
No I have not quit this blog.
But yes I have a new BLOG!!!
Click to view at I buy, I cook, I eat.
Bit bare at the moment, but it's work in progress, more in coming days!
No I have not quit this blog.
But yes I have a new BLOG!!!
Click to view at I buy, I cook, I eat.
Bit bare at the moment, but it's work in progress, more in coming days!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
I'm an adult
You know when I'm silent on my blog, it meant major major emotional rollercoasters are happening to me and I hardly jot them down (yes, even that 8-month lapse!) because it's just too raw, hurtful and sudden to put into perspective. I've gone from an angst-ridden, must-express-everything teenager to someone older, perhaps slightly ever wiser thoughts-wise, if not action-wise.
The last two months had been so difficult, so so difficult. Suddenly the "I'm right, you're wrong" black-and-white dichotomy is not so clear anymore, everything's fuzzy around the edges. The hurt put onto me one after another left me wailing and in tears, in physical pain more than once, but I gotta rise from that and go on with life. Sometimes I wish I can push a rewind button. So many times I woke up and remembered dreams of reconciliation. Then I remembered why my heart hardened. Then I was reminded painfully I was pushed away, deleted out of existence. So there I stay.
Then life presented me with another challenge...and this time its even closer to heart. I felt manipulated, at my wit's end, angry. I'm not a kid anymore, I'm financially helpless at the moment, but I'm trying pretty hard to find jobs and be independent in all senses. I found myself quiet and deep in thought walking through the snow and holding hands with my boyfriend, in a pantomime, while watching movies, and in general situations. My head's too filled up with too many what-ifs, and too much fear. I've been worried and worried and worried for a while now.
Right now I can't see the big picture. I truly felt like I belonged to no where, to no one. Maybe it's just me being stuck in my own paranoia, but it's like I can no longer go home because I'm unwanted. I want to stay here, but for how long? After 2 years, and then what? I still have to pack and leave. A hand reached out from inside my brain to smack me (this is metaphorically, of course) and told me to think optimistically: Even if I only stayed here for 2 years for work (plus the year of masters), it's still a very enriching 3 years of my young life. And come on, surely I can see how much better that is to nothing at all?
But I am desperate for a paying job, not just because I want financial security, but I am experiencing an alarming need for..homing. I want to own a place of my own! *Alarm alarm alarm* But, but...mortgages! I want a dog! But, but...15-years' responsibility! I want to buy gadgets for my kitchen, and all those nice things to put on my bedroom walls/bathroom appliances/cabinets...oh my God, I want furniture! I told some friends, the day I purchase a piece of furniture gotta be the day I commit myself to something. And funnily I'm not too afraid of that right now. My fear is not to be able to do that.
I guess I really am getting older, and I just really want a nice place to call my own. But how do I get from Point A to Point B? I've been told to practice self-fulfilling prophecy thoughts: If I'm convinced I will get a job, I will and vice versa. And I need something to fill in my time, and Tim suggested I start a food blog or something like that...perhaps I will consider that. Yes. I need a direction in life, but I cannot expect it to appear from nowhere, it's gotta come from me.
So, hey myself, stop being a sap and think about practical things. And be happy. *smack smack smack*
Happy New Year everyone, another year another story.
Ah how time flies.
The last two months had been so difficult, so so difficult. Suddenly the "I'm right, you're wrong" black-and-white dichotomy is not so clear anymore, everything's fuzzy around the edges. The hurt put onto me one after another left me wailing and in tears, in physical pain more than once, but I gotta rise from that and go on with life. Sometimes I wish I can push a rewind button. So many times I woke up and remembered dreams of reconciliation. Then I remembered why my heart hardened. Then I was reminded painfully I was pushed away, deleted out of existence. So there I stay.
Then life presented me with another challenge...and this time its even closer to heart. I felt manipulated, at my wit's end, angry. I'm not a kid anymore, I'm financially helpless at the moment, but I'm trying pretty hard to find jobs and be independent in all senses. I found myself quiet and deep in thought walking through the snow and holding hands with my boyfriend, in a pantomime, while watching movies, and in general situations. My head's too filled up with too many what-ifs, and too much fear. I've been worried and worried and worried for a while now.
Right now I can't see the big picture. I truly felt like I belonged to no where, to no one. Maybe it's just me being stuck in my own paranoia, but it's like I can no longer go home because I'm unwanted. I want to stay here, but for how long? After 2 years, and then what? I still have to pack and leave. A hand reached out from inside my brain to smack me (this is metaphorically, of course) and told me to think optimistically: Even if I only stayed here for 2 years for work (plus the year of masters), it's still a very enriching 3 years of my young life. And come on, surely I can see how much better that is to nothing at all?
But I am desperate for a paying job, not just because I want financial security, but I am experiencing an alarming need for..homing. I want to own a place of my own! *Alarm alarm alarm* But, but...mortgages! I want a dog! But, but...15-years' responsibility! I want to buy gadgets for my kitchen, and all those nice things to put on my bedroom walls/bathroom appliances/cabinets...oh my God, I want furniture! I told some friends, the day I purchase a piece of furniture gotta be the day I commit myself to something. And funnily I'm not too afraid of that right now. My fear is not to be able to do that.
I guess I really am getting older, and I just really want a nice place to call my own. But how do I get from Point A to Point B? I've been told to practice self-fulfilling prophecy thoughts: If I'm convinced I will get a job, I will and vice versa. And I need something to fill in my time, and Tim suggested I start a food blog or something like that...perhaps I will consider that. Yes. I need a direction in life, but I cannot expect it to appear from nowhere, it's gotta come from me.
So, hey myself, stop being a sap and think about practical things. And be happy. *smack smack smack*
Happy New Year everyone, another year another story.
Ah how time flies.
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