again.

12 Aug 2006
Time: 01:24


I know. I wrote about this again and again and again and again.

I can't help it. It happens again and again and again.

Yea. I fight with my mom again. Actually, no, I didn't fight. There was never fights for the past 2 years.

She screwed me, for a lack of better explanation.

Scolded me. Yelled at me.

And I sat there, and took it. Except this time I didn't cry in front of her. Only lost my bearings when my brother yelled at me, and she let him. And it has nothing to do with him.

*Sigh* There's not much to tell. Just, that, apparently, coming home from classes and napping before dinner is now a crime. Because I'm not down helping her out because I was up all night "chatting and God knows what in front of the PC Camera". What am I supposed to say to that? I'm tired, it's not like I have much to do between 6pm-7.30pm, and...she take naps around 3pm-6pm anyways.

But did I point that out? Hello, do camels have humps?

Another -50% in Pui Yee, the imperfect, flawed daughter. And in my new thesaurus there are so many more nouns. Deficient, weak, weak spot, inadequant, shortcoming, limitation, failing, kink, deformed, blemish, mistake, error, gremlin, glitch. Wow. Good thesaurus is the Oxford.

I can't measure up anymore. She accused me of so many things, of being lazy, of not helping around. The usual stuff. I don't know what I can do anymore. I admit I'm lazy. I tried doing as much as my laziness can help. It's never enough. Just never enough. It's like I don't know how to be her daughter anymore. I don't know what else she want from me. I'm keeping out of her way, keeping my room clean (and neat), just out her way.

When I stay out a lot, she screwed me. When I stay home, she screwed me. When I stay in my room, she screw me. When I watch a lot of TV, she screw me. It's like I have to be perpentually working around the house for her not to screw me. And screw it, who likes chores?

I'm getting bitter. Once again, I think, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I don't race my car, I don't go out to get laid, I do ok in uni and I've never been in big trouble. Believe you me, she'd screw me up for the more Bs I'll get this sem than the As. My one weakness is shopping for clothes and earrings. And she screw me for that too.

"Why you so vain? You're as fat and ugly as a pig anyway. Nothing you buy can hide that".

Thanks, mom. Thanks so much. I figured out years ago half my low self-esteem started at home. And it still hurt. You think I never looked at the mirror and wonder who I took after? That I don't lament I have nothing beautiful or even pretty to talk about? And dammit, is being fat such a crime? That deep down, I wonder, do I deserve to be loved, too?

Nope. She dismiss it all as me bullcrapping. I'm all words and crap. Well, ok, fine. Won't talk anymore. Being eloquent is something I have to be ashamed of too. If you ever wonder why I sometimes dismiss myself and say knowing how to write is nothing, this is it. Is there anything about me worthy of her being proud of me? Gift for writing? I'm giving you an ironic laughter, sir. What gift? I'm just a piece of shit who'll talk my way to the grave. I have attitude problems. Just a piece of shit. Good for nothing.

I'll never live up to her expectations. I'll never forget the day my SPM results came out and I was so relieved with my 6As and call her and her words made me crumble in front of all my teachers and classmates. That was almost 3 years ago. I'll beat myself up forever for not being able to measure up. I can be on top of the world and one word, ONE word from her and I'll topple down.

I just want her to accept me as her flawed, imperfect daughter and be proud of me. Better off not having me at all, isn't it.

I have been coping, true. Living each day. But am I ok? No, I'm not ok.

Read this book 'Good in Bed' by Jennifer Weiner. She wrote about a fat woman and her love life. I read that book and cried. She wrote about how the woman slouched and hide herself underneath baggy clothes. How she took no pleasure of her own body. How if she can disappear from the physical world, she would. How no matter how many times her boyfriend told her she is beautiful, she would not believe. That it didn't matter, but it did. He was one voice against the whole world. That the dirtiest word in the whole world was fat.

Fat is the last acceptable prejudice. The way people look at a fat person. How they agonize being seen eating in public. That loving a large person is an act of courage, and futility in this world, because loving a fat person is loving someone who don't believe she is worthy of anyone's love.

Touché. I put the damn novel down and cried. I could relate. I know how no matter anyone told me my smile is sweet and I'm cute, I'd still know I'm just a fat chick. That hitting a lottery would be easier than getting a boyfriend, because I'm not worthy of being loved. Why me when there's so many sweeter, prettier, better, and most importantly, thin girls around.

And now this reinforcement, courtesy of mom. Great.

Should I take a dive from 20 floors (gravity is cruel on the heavy) or drink 3 bottles of rat poison (you know, to make sure it finish me off, since I have extra body mass and takes more to kill?), maybe I can slash my wrists, but hey, mom will probably still screw me for making a mess in her house. Carbon monoxide? I have a car. Crap, maybe I should just freeze myself to death in a slaughter house and they'll mistaken me for a yummy pig and chop me up. Good riddance.

Don't worry, by the way. You'll see yours truly (fat-self) in campus on Monday because I still have 3 deadlines to meet and I kinda want to hand in my hard work. I'm ok. Done sobbing.

I'm a boring bitch, aren't I. Whine, whine, whine. You think I'll make a yummy pig?

Comments:
GenieOnTheLoose made this comment,
... why all the tak-halal words? Jkidding.
I tihnk mothers have the tendency to make their daughters feel as though they have failed their roles (as daughter). But imho, your mom went rather over with her words... sorry, but yea... It's no easy task to build up confidence and it takes just a sentence to bring it down into pieces.

As for body weight... aih susah. It's good that you've accepted that fact, and at least you're trying to do something abt it. As much as I'd like to be idealistic and say that figure doesn't matter... well, it does, BUT one's figure won't guarantee her a boyfriend. (Look around...)

If my mom said such things to me, I'd feel pretty damn terrible. Try to ignore the words; brush it off, because for the moment there, those words were uttered with the purpose to make you feel bad.

PS: Don't dive. Better not susahkan Indonesia... JK! Much better to eat yummy food and exercise regularly.,.. You can do it!! *hugs* Use those venoms as a fuel to change what you can! (<-- only if it makes you happy in the end ;P) Pui Yee, Fight!

beh made this comment,
well, you got me here... but i was sincere when i commented in that entry - you do have a gift for writing, but you don't have faith in yourself.
about the mom... those words hurt simply because you still love her. i don't know how the proper respond that i should have, what i can say is just "be strong".

something i want to share with you. i have an elder sister, who is also a "fat chick" too. she, like you, suffers from low self-esteem. during her uni years, a (quite handsome) guy approached her (quite enthusiasticly), but because of her lack of confidence, she rejected him - because she thought he was teasing her... but it turned out that that guy really like her. he was a shy guy, so after the rejection he got no more guts to approach my sis anymore. i knew this because my sis told me, and from the way she told me, i know she regretted it so much.

my sis has a great personality, and i think that guy like my sis because of that... but unfortunately, my sis did not believe in that... so she missed out a good man.

long-winded story i know, the point is, please don't ever doubt yourself, you'll miss a lot!

if the physical appearance bothers you, try to do something about it. exercise! too bad that we are still living in a world of prejudice and bias... deal with it. and be strong. don't give yourself excuses - exercise!

in case you think i have something against "fat" people or "weight-challenged" if i have to be politically correct, you are wrong! i used to be really ashamed of my own appearance too - i'm too thin - like a stick, and because of that i appeared to be kinda sissy -- to overcome that, i went swimming everyday and i made sure i eat 4 meals a day... now i think i'm better although i'm still a bit hunchback. i also used to be really ashamed of myself due to my pimples and my pimple scars... nothing i can do about it, so i decided not to care anymore -- guess what, the world actually is not that bad after i just don't care how ppl look at me.

so, cheer up. the world has not come to an end yet! <---- hopefully my words cheer you up a bit.

melia made this comment,
sigh...sien right this world. shallow shallow people we have around.
fat kids will always be made fun of. till this day i still get paranoid. it sucks. but am i gonna give up food just because of all these shallow people that don't give two eff's about me when I KNOW there are those who appreciate my wit and wisdom? hell no. (okay i just realised i'm not a good influence on you, hee XD) but anyhoo, seriously dear, you ain't as bad as you think. I'm not just saying this because I'm your best friend and I have to say this to make you feel better. Fact is you's got a nice smile. And you's photogenic too. You's cute! I think you's know that. Just that you're afraid to believe. So what? Baby fat only ma...everyone has them. Just that we have more. Wahahah! Look around you. You know and I know, that you CAN look good.

Maybe we try exercising together gether lah. Ahaha.

Okay i think i gave crap advice here. But you get what I mean la. We've been over this. Nyaks!

Love ya! *hugs*

meikeng made this comment,
hey pui yee..was touched by ur post..
i think everybody here has done a good job in pointing out that u should believe in urself.. and u really should...becoz u really do have a lot of things to offer this world. saying all those negative stuff is really unfair and doing a great injustice to urself.

sure, looks will get ppl's attention. but at the end of the day, it's personality that defines a person. and it sure outlasts appearances.

so chin up, woman.. it hurts to see u so blue.

chenn made this comment,
hey py..
i know how strong some words that we heard from our mothers can be..how it can make us feels so low and useless..eventhough couldn't compare with your situation...but i learned to take it as it is..hehee,,in my case i believe in the karma thing where im born to be my mom's daughter so just let her say what she wants to say and i'll prove it to her one day how wrong she is about me. =)i know it is easier said than done but give it a try... i finished the book...really touching and i understand how you can relate to it..but learn from the book also..have confidence in yourself, trust your friends who care for you..you are not alone..hehe we go exercise together-gether la...3 of us go for a WALK!! see can we walk ourselves slim like what Cannie did... hahaha.. it's not as gloomy as u think! remember u look much better than me and amelia while taking pictures yesterday!!! CUTIE!

so cheer up gal!! get the pics from amy! =) see you soon!

knight made this comment,
Hey kawan,
I just wanna say I can't agree more with all the comments that everyone said, here. I strongly believed,it is still personality that's count, no matter wat...

so, I treat u minum Kam Par Teh la ! :) like Meikeng said, it's hurt to see u so sad la.. V seriously do...

Til now, i'm still wondering if i did something rite here, by handed that book to u?