Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Where am I?

10 Aug 2005
Time: 23:51


• noun 1 the quality of being honest and morally upright. 2 the state of being whole or unified, not divided. 3 soundness of construction.

— ORIGIN Latin integritas, from integer ‘intact, whole’.

Ah, but where is it?

Honesty to myself? Standing by my own principles? I feel like a willow twig lately, blown here and there, gotten tangled a lot and still in a mess. The turbulence...like a wave pulled by this gravity and that.

Oh ambivalence...

Depressed once more. People are always not who they seem to be. Why didn't I learn this lesson? Again and again? Always on the losing side of the rat race. Where is the diplomacy, the hypocripsy I thought I learnt long time ago? The mask I should've worn, protect my vulnerability? Gullible I am. Always am. I felt like letting the tears fall, but none would come this time. Surrounded by people, so many people, yet so alone...lonely. I don't know what to do. I guess this time I'd let time do a lot of healing. I feel mad sometimes. The friends I need, when I do, they're not there.

Many many people I miss. People I can tell everything to, no fear. One by one we all grow up, and apart. People who've left an inprint in my heart, but now I don't even know where they are. Or I do, but I rarely chance upon them anymore. I'm thankful there's one or two I can still pour my grief out to, but I feel I'm giving them a earful instead. Where are you? Why have you changed? Was all those years an illusion? Were all those words lies and honeyed lip service?

I miss them. People who understand me. I'm always misunderstood am I not? What am I not doing right? I'm always not doing anything right, it seems. And these days I rarely talk right, even. I lack integrity, perhaps. Not standing firmly by what I believe in, by who I am and who I want to be. Self-doubts. Esteem. They ruin me. I ruin myself. Me. I'm always my own poison.

I hate who I am. For letting myself let others do things I do not believe in. For watching others do what is not right. For condoning the unethical. The politically incorrect. For joining them, even. Who am I? Where am I? What have I become?

I hate the people-bashing and the politicking and the bitching. WHERE DO I STAND?!

*Cough. On a lighter note*

Finally received my salary. Promptly blew half of it away on a pair of sneakers (I know...I know...my 3rd pair of sneakers and not a pair of straps I own, not really, I steal my mom's for presentations), a pair of jeans and a few more t-shirts.

And I shopped alone. It'll feel great if I'm less tired, less depressed and without bags to carry around. But it felt good, shopping.

Call it therapy, whatever. I know why women shop. I know why people enjoy feeling they can buy what they want. It's good.

Went to KLCC and effectively, PC Fair on Saturday. Saw everybody and nobody. The crowd, oh Lord. Since we've been pushed and shoved like refugees into Hall 1 I'm not going without getting something. So I got meself a pair of RM 15 headphone + mic. And no regrets there, the quality of the sound is much, much better than my laptop's speakers.

But so not worth going, not when I can hop to Low Yat any weekend. The prices are not THAT low there. Cheapskates, every of us who were there.

A stranger made this comment,
U r not alone. As we grow up, ppl change. Nothing is permenant. Only changes are. Friends change. Priorities change. Life perception changes. Innocence gone. I can still remember the sting of betrayal when a childhood friend asked me to stop addressing him by his childhood name. Some people grows up. I choose to maintain my old self, but blended with more wisdom as we experience more and see new things. For I loved myself more that way. I felt free and without burden. People carry on with their lives. We are but wanderers whose path crossed at one point in life. Let go the expectation. There is no need to cling on to things that we cannot control. Focus on the things that we can control - ourselves. Do we still keep the child part of ourselves, the innocence, liveliness, hope and optimism. Would you choose to maintain some of our childhood-instinct innocence? To love yourself and to remain untainted and true to yourself regardless of the cruel world and realities of the world. Whoever would truly cherish ourselves, if not ourselves... Cherish yourself. Be at peace with yourself.

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