Wednesday, March 21, 2007

badddd day

5 Jul 2006
Time: 11:50

I hate it when I lost a blog. Sigh. Was a pretty long one too. Almost ready to post it already. Here we go again.

I rarely write about love (well, more like, never). Because I'm not in love. But I'm not denying I'm infatuated. Nothing wrong with liking a person, even if it's forbidden, or the "wrong" kind to, I guess. It's not like I'm behaving weirdly, leaving chocolate flowers in his locker, stalk him around or follow him home.

I like him. I see him sometimes. I talk to him sometimes. I'm happy.

Crushes are a pain in the ass. Only messy emotions and complications.


And today is as bad a day as any other.

Our inept tutor took weeks to approve our sketches and exactly 1 week to make an 8-page newsletter from scratch on QuarkExpress. After the rush job, we made it to today, the deadline, happy and relieved. Until he saw the mounting board and told us we've done it wrong, all wrong. Why didn't we refer to his notes, he snapped, in a temper.

What notes?

Notes, the one you all have.



Then he realise (still in a temper) he didn't hand us that vital piece of instruction on how to submit our assignment. He gave one copy to us, left some instruction on the board and told us to submit it to him in the staff room at 6pm. All the while making it sound as though it's our fault. Left us in a lurch with the class still ongoing and went to the staff room. We were all left to redo our shit in less than 2 hours and some of them had to go home to print/burn CDs/buy more mounting boards in the fookin' rush hour on LDP.

Finally, after 6pm, they still haven't made it back to campus, and we reached a consensus. We will hand in handwritten material, he can either take it or fook his own ass leave it. And what dya know, he took it, cheerfully saying there will be no deductions. We hesitated in signing the acknowledgement because he marked us late, and I kinda argued with him. As I drop the pen back onto the table, he called out my name. I turned, gave him a hostile (I guess witnesses will say that is understatement) look, thinking he was gonna screw me for being rude.

"Yes? What now?"

"Smile la"

That hit me so bad, my first thought was, are you fukin' serious?!

But my temper was so bad, I raised my hand, shaked my head and stormed out. I was in one of those seriously foul mood where I don't give a damn to what I do or say and will live it to regret it for life (an emotion usually reserved for the drunk) and I guess lucky they were there to shush me and usher me out and make my excuses. I'm grateful.

Reach home about 7.20pm, fighting the traffic congestion, boredom and drowsiness. Have you ever fallen asleep at a traffic light? I have. As I park my car, Taylor Hicks was on air on, and then Green Day's Time of Your Life. One of my favourite songs. Ever. Sums up the day, the week, even.

Another turning point a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist directs you where to go
So make the best of this test and don't ask why
It's not a question but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

It's something unpredictable
But in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

To borrow someone's words, used on me a while ago:

I chose my seedling carefully. I had faith in my judgment and view. I toiled to nurture this seedling, fertilize it, water it. I guess sometimes I did neglect it, let it grow a little unkempt. But it never went wild. It weathered with me through the good and bad, rain or shine, and the sunny days always balance out the rainy ones. I even gave it so much love, so much of myself. That is, until a storm came, hovered for a long while and never left. The seedling went bad, and I've tried fixing, protecting and rectifying it. No good. So I've turned my back to it. I never thought I would, it's not in my bones to turn around and walk off. But I can see it's not worth salvaging what's left already.

I guess I made a bad judgment. Brought the wrong seedling into my backyard. Gave it too much love, too much trust. It calculates back with me. Counted everything, unwilling to bloom even an extra flower. It only thinks of itself, and gave too little love in return. I got frustrated in giving, giving, and receives very little in return. You take some, you gotta give some too. I wondered, where all the lies, denial and blame ends, and the truth begins. I resent the blame game. I resent being given all the blame and made to look bad. It takes two hands to clap. Always two hands. I'm not blameless, either. I can be such a mean bitch, but maybe it's time to look deep within oneself to see where it went wrong. But I don't care much this time, because truth shall prevail. If not today, tomorrow. Nobody is that stupid or blinded. They can see for themselves - what went wrong, where it went wrong. And most of all, I resent the self-pity. I loath self-pity. Selfishness. And this blatant display disgusts me.

But, as long as I was nurturing that seedling, it was worth all the while.

This is unpredictable (well, maybe not THAT, but still), but I trust, with blind faith, that in the end it'll be alright, and I hope you had the time of your life. I did.

Worth everything to get here. But no turning back.

sportsnut ;) made this comment,
what a dumbass tutor

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