24 May 2006
How do you feel when you forgot to lock your phone keypad and chuck it into your bag (which you toss around) and it sends about 3 blank SMSes to the most recent people you've messaged...
...And someone messaged back to say don't waste my money and call if I want to fight, don't do things this way.
Well. I crumpled inside my car and cried.
Actually that was the accumulation of a bad day.
I have no more words. Everything I say seems wrong, seems to warrant some harsh words and an angry tone. Everything I do meets disapproval and sharp words.
I'm not asking for sympathy, attention or special treatment. But I don't think I deserve this, either.
I feel...bullied. I've been picked on and I've let myself been picked on.
Maybe I'm awfully wrong. Too sensitive.
Just want to be remembered I have feelings, too. And it's just as fragile and need to be considered as the next person. I'm tired of caring about how others might feel, I want to be selfish and start thinking I've enough of this.
I don't want to cry over friendships. Yet I'm here doing that.
Between confrontation and crying, I picked the latter. Because I know I'm not fighting a fair battle.
Maybe I've got too much to lose. Maybe I don't think there should be winners and losers in fights.
And maybe cos I don't even know how to start discussing without being confrontational, when my feelings and my opinions are being pushed one side and denied, and then I'm mocked and made to feel like I don't deserve to feel and think this way, because I lack the sense of humor to see that they're just being funny.
Well, it's not funny. Stop using that excuse.
Maybe people should start thinking from MY point of view, that confrontations don't have to include 1001 examples of how people have wronged me. That talking like mature adults serves the purpose better, more so than childishly ask "wanna fight?" and ask me to name all the times I've been offended (oh, nasty me, I'm not supposed to get mad at a friend?), and then make me feel like I'm silly and wrong to feel mad.
But how can I not when I see I'm receiving the "Special Treatment" no one else is getting.
I've been offended and pissed. Accept that. Don't challenge it. Feelings can't be changed. I don't need to be taunted.
Don't pick a fight with me. Maybe it should suffice that any offensive behavior has been noticed and noted, and then move on from there, to check on oneself, and be more careful of other people's feelings. I don't believe anyone need to fight to the bitter end to see who's right and who's wrong.
Have I been too soft? Yielded to being manipulated and used? Been too kind?
Just because I don't need to be in the limelight, doesn't mean I'll be happy to let others steal what I think is mine. Wanna become the star of the show, wanna become the most outstanding person, go ahead, I'm not stopping ya, but don't step and shit on my head while you're doing so.
Boundaries have been overstepped. Back off.