26 Apr 2006
Since I can't sleep and don't feel like studying, might as well blog, and since I have things to think about...
I don't know anymore who reads my blog (or who doesn't, for that matter) and I am always aware I have to be careful with what I say, but just in case, this has nothing to do with anyone, alright?
First, exams. Exam-stress, me, haha, it's just an excuse la to be honest. The amount of studying I'm doing is haphazard, I'm waltzing with dangers of letting my grades fall. A wake up call happened when I sat for MMS. I barely studied anything, just printed some stuff and glanced through it, a little over confident, and the next morning, I cut it a bit short by arriving on campus just in time to get inside the hall and sit..and the exam paper...my mind went blank. The questions were off-the-wall, hell, the first question stumped me, and there were a lot (A LOT) of distractions. No heart to write, and last I counted, 5 kinds of handwriting ranging from neat to messy from front to back. I finished 10 minutes before Time.
That is dangerous for me. If I get an A for that paper (not likely anymore) I'll do a whoop standing on the roof of my car, I swear. Sigh. Exams are a pain in the ass. IPC was different ha, I actually read through the chapters and the paper was a comfortable one. Yah enough about exams.
Booked (and paid) for AirAsia tickets to Penang next Friday. Whee. I did it on my own! I'm going somewhere AT LAST! The last time I went anywhere was Genting last ...last...sometime. It's so sad.
Anyhow, this past couple of months I've been addicted to a chat programme, that's sort of like Yahoo! in its heydays. Yes I was a Yahoo! Chatroom addict when I was about 12, 13. It's the first time in years I'm talking, interacting, camming (or webcam-ing), even mic-ing (rarely) with foreigners.
Kinda nice to know you're pretty/sexy/nice/sweet...desirable to people. I mean, conversations can get pretty intense, sometimes sexual but not always, and I met a lot of genuine people out there...sometimes can flirt, sometimes talk heart-to-heart, sometimes just, well...another thing. Young men, middle-aged men, old men, immature boys, mature guys...women too...and hooboy, handsome, goodlooking, cute guys...its kinda great and all that.
But in a way, it never left my consciousness this is the internet. Kinda superficial, right down to the Aussie who has a crush on me. I'll even admit I have a crush on some guys, and I met people who has infatuations for each other, in a way it's kinda natural, most people has a webcam and we view each other and chat and see each other's facial expressions...
But it hit me hard people do, and REALLY fall in love with each other. And they sacrifice a lot to go and see each other. For me, that's amazingly mind-boggling. For years and years and years I've met with so many random people, I've never really have the notion of internet love. Maybe because there's stigma that comes with finding people to fall in love with online, that, personally, that you can't find someone else in real life, though of course this is not absolute. Even my textbooks are saying internet is getting prominent as the best way to find a match. Its usual for feelings to develop, but to actually act on it (provided, when you can afford to, of course) and take the big leap of faith...
They told me, maybe cos I'm just 20. But also, all this while, when I chat with local people, we don't see each other's webcams when I chat on ICQ or MSN or whatever, and ...Malaysian guys and fat....haih. They don't deal with it, and I come to understand its not me personally, it's just that most Asian men don't like fat chicks, and well, if I'm Asian man I might not even dig myself. But with these people from USA, Australia...weird, I'm just cuddly, sexy, whatever to them. Boy, it's heady. But yeah I'm still too sensible to get too carried away, don't worry. Pui Yee is STILL SANE! Its just fun, flattering, kinda boosts my self-esteem and confidence too (there are men who WANT me, y'all, grrr), feels good...so why the heck not. What's the worst of it? Streamyx still needs to get paid, I've got time to waste and a lot of talk to talk with random strangers about...
But internet love...still a taboo with me. Yet there are people telling me I'm defensive, scared, vulnerable...have to let blind faith take hold sometimes. Blind faith are dangerous okay...and yes I'm defensive, it's good to be when you have a lot to lose (but again, I have a lot to gain too...)
Just living the moment, getting addicted, c'est la vie. And forsaking my studying while I'm at it...sheesh this is what getting fired do to me! Wheeeee!