11 Apr 2006
I was walking my dog just now...the big dog barked non-stop and I yelled at him and threw my flip-flops at him. Am feeling real sick today actually. Maybe cos of my terrible sleeping patterns. The only other time I felt this lousy was when I ate that greasy fried chicken Jay bought in 1U. Indigestion or something. My stomach don't want food :(.
Yeah anyway, as I dragged my dog, I thought:
So, what is love? What's this lovey-dovey business anyway? I'm turning 20, have I ever fallen in love? Still too young? What's those infatuations? Love? Crush? Just attraction? Have I fallen in love? Its the same as being in love? Is love at first sight for real? Or just a saying for the sappy ones? Ha ha.
I know. I'm cynical about this business. I can be very defensive. I know I don't fall in love or come to love someone easily. I don't want kids; I'm afraid I don't know how to raise them. I'll be a terrible mama. Dogs...I know how to train. But kids....
Someone, I think it was William, he said to me, "Pui Yee, no matter what, despite what happened to your parents, don't be afraid to love, okay. There will be someone for you. There will be. You should learn to love, too."
I was nearly in tears. I needed to hear that.
And last night, someone asked, was I angry at guys in general or something. Am I doing what I was doing to punish guys. I hated that because he might not be wrong. I wanted to run away yet I was intrigued by his insight, damn him.
In the HK series last night, too, the main character said to a suicidal girl:
"Wai ham mah
Yan sang chao hai yao wai ham ke la."
There will be regrets in life."
It was beautiful, and powerful.
And, ha ha...what regrets do I really have?
You know how much i dig CSI, ER, Medical Investigation, Trauma:Life in the ER (Discovery Channel), House, most recently, Grey's Anatomy, and all those medical show crap...my bro always say I'm weird and sadistic, well actually I turn out to be normal cos I KNOW people who love those shows too...
Maybe that I'm not good enough, smart enough, courageous enough, patient enough and strong enough to want to go through medical school. It was my ambition as a kid (besides being air stewardess, my eyesight sucked and I've never grown tall enough oh well) for many, many years.
But nooOoo. I'm now a journalism major, and I got tired of explaining what "journalism" meant (it's not accounting or book-keeping, for pete's sake), kinda feeling lost and wondering what the hell am I doing. I know, kawan, that I can write, but I don't have the passion for it like I used to. You might think I'm one of the best ones in class, but we've yet to meet the real passionate people. I can't hold my fire against those people.
You know who is a writer and thinker? Go to Gianne's blog. I will always envy her wits and way of putting thoughts into words.
I regret knowing I will never be happy being ordinary, but, perhaps, I regret, too, I lack a certain tenacity and passion that people need to be the best.
I remember my senior in school, Rebecca's words.
"God will not give you what you cannot face."
Maybe one day I will come to believe that, too.
I had a real urge to blog this one, sorry, a bit depressing I know.
Sometimes I really need words from people around me to feed my soul. Thank you, all.
LPShean made this comment,
Yan sang chao hai yao wai ham ke la.
Is that chao hai as in chao hai, or chao hai? LOL. :)
Melia made this comment,
I'm not saying this because you're my bestie, but I never thought of you being ordinary my entire life. The thing about us human beings is that we're never satisfied with what we have and we choose to dismiss or ignore or even worse compare ourselves to others. Pui Yee you're no where near ordinary. And I'm sure alot of people will agree with me on that. You may envy others but remember that there are others who too envy you.
And about the love business, everyone wants to love despite what they say, you're not excluded. No one is. I said it before....your circle doesn't allow you to love...no one compatible YET. It'll come soon babe. Deny it all you want but you have the wits and charms. I think you know what you're capable of. ;)
And Phan Shean it's chau hai! Ahahahahha! you darn lame laaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Wash your brain la.
WQ made this comment,
i love you!!! and i love CSI too!!! on a more serious note, each of us is extraordinary in our own ways, u're at a stage now where everything is massive confusion, just dun think so much...things will fall in place soon..
muacks..did i tell u i love you?