Wednesday, March 21, 2007

working very hard, too...

8 Oct 2005
Time: 01:30

Been starting work in Swatch in 1 was my 3rd day. Already I'm tired.

The kind of feeling - tired, satisfied, depressed, happy.

Don't ask me why but the feeling is like that. Ambivalent. I think from now on, without issue, I won't be blogging really takes the crap out of you and your soul.

You know what, I enjoy retail work. Even back then in New Balance. Enjoy the people, enjoy selling, enjoy winning people's money (and hearts). Enjoy learning, enjoy discovering all those years of observing and listening helps. Even spoilt, hot-tempered brats can deal with honestly trashy customers!

And I'm working part-time, meaning I'm working 5-day weeks. The burning question in my mind is: should I turn full time? I've been considering. It's kinda sucky watching newer people getting more shirts than I do, and getting their names beside our cash register codes.

And I enjoy work. I do.

But there are things that distract...sigh. Lamenting one's own lack of forthcoming isn't great. Comparing oneself (even sub-consciously) to others makes you feel even more worthless. Jealousy over a small matter...and the accompanying guilt. Lack of self-confidence? God. I wish...I wish things are different. Wish I'm the outstanding one. Wish I'm the chosen one. Why not me. When is my turn? My time under the sun? Just once...?

That's all I ask.

Being me (right now at least) is like being in dark, cold underwater where the moon is smiling down beneath the surface and if I look up I can't see the moonshine. Too deep down, struggling against many odds. Eerie sounds and dark, lurking movements. Alone. Suffocating.

Sometimes, weirdly, I treat mortality as though it's knocking on my doors anytime now. I'm in a rush. I seek everything I want right here, right now. There's an urgency and intensity that scares even me. tomorrow is flimsy. Like...I might not see tomorrow. I walk fast. I eat fast. I drive fast. Sometimes I wonder why do people not only grow up, but they also become more cynical? I yearn after what I've lost: the wonders of childhood. I think I'm growing to be very cynical and hard. And bitter. When my supervisor told me about bungee jumping, I wanted to do it, right there right then. Can't wait.

But this time, you know what? No tears, though. I'm dry. With a seriously stuffy nose. I think there's a virus happily hopping among the staff..we're falling sick in turns. Sigh, who knew about what am I feeling? I know there are people who care. I wish I can share. And I'm also afraid people will see me as vulnerable, foolish...and dismissing me. I just don't know how to open my heart to people anymore. I have unlearned to, it seems. I know I've been hiding and avoiding people, even eye-contact for a long, long time. Learn to ignore my own brain's screamings. Learn to not to trust. Learn to pretend emotions (but not tempers) are non-existential. Learn to believe nothing is wrong. I believe it, with all of my heart, that nothing is wrong, that I'm beyond dropping down, and looking weak. I'm fighting an invisible monster. It's right here, residing in my heart.

I dare not open to anyone anymore. I'm so deeply ashamed of the times I did lose control and let emotions take over rationality. I hate letting people see me cry. Oh my God. What have I become...? I've lacked conviction and faith for a long time already. Been bitter and bitchy and mean and unkind too many times, to too many people. Dismissing people and what mattered to them as trivial. But I know it too. I'm conscious of being me. It practically nags and eats me up. Letting go...sigh. Can I ever?

Am I a good actor, or a great pretender? I don't know.

knight made this comment,
Py..U know wat ! u r doin great ! really de...just be a little bit more stronger..! and that's it ! If i can do wat i did ( u know it rite ..) Sure u oso can! Guess wat ! i din even let even a single drop of my tear..roll down my cheek this time ! I believe in u !

LPShean made this comment,
You know what... this is post is freaky. Im NOT.. i repeat NOT used to overtly emotional musings. Haha! But chill lah.. u can do it!

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