baggage?

30 Oct 2005
Time: 02:01


Uhm, I have a question. An issue actually.

I kinda realise, but lately, am more and more aware...that I shy away from emotional baggage. What do I mean by that..?

Okay, um, let me see. Like this:
I felt my life is kind of mundane, y'know, that I have a routine life and I live it day by day. Maybe sometimes discordances happen between me and my bro, or me and my mom, but...I'm not fighting with anyone, I'm not holding hatred for anyone (knock, knock, knock on wood). My temper is in check most days, in fact, I felt kind of the Buddhist philosophy of "emptiness". Unless I'm driving, ha ha. But I digress.

True, maybe some stimulation would be good, that I am suspended in a seriously unfeeling, numb world.

Best part is, because I've stopped over-thinking and quit the teenage angst and bla bla bla, I don't consider myself a problematic person. Didn't sound right. More like, I don't think I have issues or anything. Believe me, I don't think I am the sort of person who hides my feelings or problems or whatever deep inside me and leave it buried. I say what I want, and I think, if I have a major problem, a lot of people will know about it. Come on people. You know I have a big mouth. I can't keep secrets if my life and my country depend on it.

Therefore, because I've moved away from all these emo-things, maybe my EQ dropped by 100 points or something.

So, when I meet people, new people or old comebacks or whatsoever, and they confide in me, I...well. I made a disclaimer first and foremost. I can listen. I can learn to be a good, patient listener, but...I cannot dispense advice. I don't know what to say to make you feel better, I cannot go philosophical with you, I cannot even sound like a wise old sage. And I especially don't want to get involved. And I don't want to be tangled in between, be the go-between and the middleperson. It sucks to seem to side with one person or the other. I avoid conflict, I don't see my...well...benefit in getting involved. And I can't muster the excitement and enough energy to get worked up and emotional.

And I also envy not couples who fight and fight and fight til a point where it's so clear to everyone and anyone else they're better off going their separate ways.

And, while I'm all for fun and jokes and sharing and caring, I'm wary of emotional baggages. I don't feel like taking up and help lighten someone else's burden. I think I'm
1) selfish
2) lazy to think
3) afraid of giving the wrong advice
4) afraid I'll end up hurting another
5) afraid to have someone creating waves of change to my cosy, routine life
6) afraid of changes to the status quo
7) life is ugly as it is
8) not giving myself extra headache and heartache
9) sometimes, people's issue are SO petty
10) I don't know what to do to ease someone else's pain


I'm getting very self-centred and apathetic, am I not?

But at the same time, I think, because I've been given such small doses lately, I hunger to be cared for. To care for another. Love. Loved.

I've fended for my own, been independent and self-sustaining far too long.

Yet, how could I receive freely when giving is difficult for me? What, should I learn to be coy and woe-is-me and flirty and ...and...bimbo-ish?

*frowns* Don't think so.

Sigh. I'm tired. Maybe it's from all the couple-watching at work.


Farah, Nita and Daniel performed in 1 Utama tonight. Daniel can sing, aight, once and for all.

Comments:
GenieOnTheLoose made this comment,
are you going through a late-teen crisis? XD
jk, anyway, i can relate to you in some way. i have only offer my shoulder and not words.

mundane life... i used to think my secondary days is, but now i relaised how vibrant it was. maybe it's not as mundane as you think it is.

okay, let's think (see thinking!) crazy things, crazy things... why dont u let me drive ur car (STILL no license) and u can moon passing vehicles?

just hope that there's no traffic or you'll be cooked =P

melia made this comment,
But you've gave me some pretty good advice what..no? You know what I think we're at this stage where if we don't get into anything too messy, there's no need for advice. I mean we're all grown up..it's about time we take care of our own business no? Unless it's ke-ra-zee till it's life threatening la. But I guess it's fine to be a listener. Sometimes that's all we need what. You should know best. I don't dispense anymore advice to anyone anymore. I just listen. Did too much of that in the past and i screwed up. And I realised that most of them don't really listen so what's the point? Sai hau sui.
I tell you what...when chenn gets off stpm we go for a roadtrip okay? Just four of us! I think all of us need that. :) I know I do. Miss the good ol' whacky days! hugs!!

delwyn made this comment,
tsk. drop abit then crack. says alot about swatch watches eh. tsk tsk tsk =P