musings at dawn

16 Sep 2006
Time: 06:21



Its starting to get light out there and I've pretty much written off sleep. Exams are over, finally.

From pure frustration, stress, adrenalin and exhaustion to total nothingless now.

Pui Yee, what the hell do you want? When there were exams, you complained non-stop and after, you're saying you feel void?

We had a celebratory meal at Fish & Co, went home to sleep, then went clubbing at Sugar and Qba at Westin Hotel. I can see why I don't really like alcohol...so much so, I rarely drink, my alcohol tolerance is low. A vodka lime was enough to make me warm and head start thudding. It was over pretty quick though.

I don't need alcohol to lose my inhibitions. Just some time and people around me doing the same. And while I don't smoke, don't intend to try, don't intend to start, I have nothing against it. Sometimes...I think I need to get wild, grow up, be reckless. Get real drunk, try smoking, something. I'm too uptight. High strung. Scared. Sober..?

It's frustrating when you realise how lonely life can be. And since I'm a moonlighter. All the more so. I like night, I can be alone, no one's at my back, breathing down my neck. But the lonliness hit me so hard sometimes.

You know the one thing I really, really need a hearty dose of right now?

Self-confidence.

I am my own worst enemy.

I need to learn to like myself. Accept myself. Believe in myself. Enjoy who I am.
So many people told me, don't sell myself short, but it seems like I'm on a one-way street to self-destruction.

Probably I should travel for a week or so. Probably I could see if I can go to Singapore. Good place to start. Live in YMCA. But...alone? I can't even find a traveling partner right now. That's how pathetic I am. Am I independent enough to travel alone? Fear paralyse me. I'm scared to. I should do it. Yes.