11 Dec 2005
Sometimes I wish I can be stupid. I wish I can be rash. I wish...I wish I can be like a lot of people. And say I don't wanna live anymore. I just wanna die. I just give up hope. Give up on life.
As a child, as I grow up, I always had one morbid thought, that I will never grow to be old. I always carry with me a feeling that a lot of things will end abruptly. In a sense, things did. I accept. I resign to the facts. I bow to fate. And I don't need you to drill it in my brain again and again and again and again.
But you know what.
As I grow up I also found out a lot of ways to end things abruptly. I remember reading from somewhere, it takes courage to pull the trigger. It's true. I never had that sort of courage.
And I've been challenged before, someone said to me, it takes an even greater courage to live on, to face life. Bullshit, I said. People live on not because of any pro-choice or courage crap, it's because they're choiceless. Or else why do people still live in pain, in the streets, starve to death?
Sometimes you watch tv, and you see real war montages, you imagine, how you were dragged by 2 soldiers and knowing you're facing your last few moments...what of people you love? What of the life you haven't really known...what are their last thoughts, how do they face the sound of the bullet that will send them heavenward? Were they scared? Did they even have enough time to gather their wits enough to register the truth?
What of the man caught smuggling drugs? Did he regret all 5 kilos of it? How does it feel to wait til dawn, at 5 o'clock, dragged to the rope?
I did. I would collapse. Sobbing as I am dragged on my knees to face death. Tis not the way to go. Yet, what is? Swallowing 100 pills? Cutting open your wrists? Crash your car?
I wish I can say I want to die. I wish I can say I don't want to live. But I want to. I have a lot of things I want to achieve. I have an entire lifetime to fulfill. Yet here I am, facing the easy, and facing the unknown.
I am feeling so lost with my path. The guidance I seek did not deliver. I don't know what I myself want for, wish for, hope for, expect. Maybe it's true. I need faith. Faith in what? Too many doubts already. Or maybe there was never trust. Or because trust came too easily.
Fuck, what do I want.
I am moving out of my house the moment I am financially able to. A family of 3 person who care little about each other is a really pathetic family.
And I told myself years ago, I will not bring children into this cruel world, to taste all it's bitterness. The sweetness somehow will never balance out the anguish. I confided this recently to someone. I don't think I believe in marriages. So be it if I live my life out in lonliness. I'm used to it.
I don't want to raise a kid so that my kid have to go through all I have. I don't want my kid to understand too much, to know how hopeless life can be. I don't want all these anguish to belong to someone else, to someone I inflict it upon. I don't even want a kid, to know I am someone's parent. To care for another when I can barely care for myself. I know its selfish. But so what?
It's true I'm still young, still part of the hip society. What if I'm already old and need someone to take care of me? Don't I, as a girl, want to be feel loved and cared for? Don't I want security and warmth and hugs and kisses and sharing tears and laughter? Of course...of course I want it. I want it badly.
But am I ready to give as much? I don't think I am...I am not scared...I just don't know how to play my part.
I admit I never thought of what if I become old and lonely...because I never had the thought that I will grow old. I always thought I'll die young. I've become too emotional and shed too many tears lately. I told myself, I am strong, I will not show my vulnerability to the world anymore. I failed. I failed to do so. I'm so ashamed of myself, of who I am.
The darkest, deepest thoughts I'm having, thoughts I have never, will not tell someone else.
"I will not ask you to head the wrong path"
I trusted you. I trusted you too much. I believed in you. I listened to you too much. Gave you all the respect I have in a person.
Which path did you ask me to take? Is it the right one?
You tell me, please...I don't want to spend the rest of my life hating you for dictating my life.
I despise you at this moment. I resent you for what you force upon me.
Give me one reason not to.
At this moment I feel defeated. I don't want to face life anymore. Want to disappear from the face of this earth. What more strength do I have...
friend made this comment,
Buddhism might be able to help you. Talk to an old monk, and you might be able to understand or learn something that might bring peace to your frustracted state of being. I wish u all the best :) Be happy and contented!
LPShean made this comment,
Gee.. and i thought i had morbid thoughts.
Well.. chill. Sleep usually works wonders!
erizabesu made this comment,
gosh, u reminded me so much of myself at a younger age...difficult to say anything here, and i ain't gonna console u (coz u're inconsolable at the moment? har har har...)...just take things easy one step at a time, and learn how to breathe from all this darkest, deepest thoughts...and oh ya, sometimes sleep does wonders ;)
*hugs* always here for u *muax*
Jun Hoe made this comment,
As we grow from young innocent little children to adults, the jadedness of life sets in. How life seems not a journey of fun and discovery, but an obstacle-ridden path to be trudged on.
And sometimes we lose track of the little things along the path, the "roses" along the way per se. I sincerely hope you will be able to discover them again someday.
Take care, and see you again soon.