useless

7 Jan 2006
Time: 02:11


This year started so badly. So so so badly.

I admit. Without rethinking more than once, I acted like a fool. Immaturely. Thoughtless. Gave trouble to too many people, and I am ashamed to count the numbers.

In Cantonese, there is a saying.

"Juin ngau kwok chim".

Turning inside a triangle. No where out, bounced back and forth.

Its time I turn to someone for guidance and help.

Swallow pride and my stand and my stubborness.

I cannot pretend nothing happened. I fear people's wrath and yet I invite them. I can be so cruel and live to regret it. And now I fear I don't know what they're thinking. Could there been a hundred million other ways? Yes there is. But the road has been chosen.

What should I do now. What should I do.

In a cave with many tunnels. And people calling me out from all directions. Which is the right path? In front of me are people that mattered to me. Behind me, left and right....whose call should I answer to? What can I do without turning my back completely. And whose call should I answer to out of loyalty and genuine knowledge it will be reciprocated in future, and whose call are those that will ask only and give back none?

Who am I to all these people, then? Do I matter to them? Have I calculated wrongly then? That I've been wearing a blindfold all this while? That I have forsaken true care and concern from people who loved me, and gave it to people who're just temporary figures in my life?

One day if I fall, and fall hard, whose help should I ask from then? I've always hoped that kind of day never came, because I fear. That nobody will.

And I've tested. People came through for me, but at what price? I always doubted ...always wondered. In the end...to whom can I depend on...?

Who am I, what became of me?

I am paralysed, I dare not take the next step. Afraid it will be the wrong one again. Another Checkmate for the price of a treasured friendship. I'm afraid the leaves of autumn has already withered to the darkest winter. Pushed the buttons to the limit. I've already been so clumsy, my judgement so clouded.

I think...I'm already at the verge of a nervous breakdown. All the things I did lead to this. I feel no glory or pride in myself. Only pressure and defeat.

Wondering what people discuss of me. Having to accept the fact that there are people higher than me in the hierachy. It came softly, but it came nonetheless.

Who am I?
In one hand, spoilt child...in another...trying to be an adult.

Yeah. I can feel the breakdown right about the corner.

Comments:
ekay83 made this comment,
hey, goin thru a rough patch? don be too hard on yrself. Help is always there, just have to ask. i'm not only speaking for myself. People, in general, are helpful, they just prefer to respect other peoples' privacy