exhausting

5 Feb 2007
Time: 10:54

Another day at the office and looks like I'm assignment-less again. Meikeng gotta arrange this interview with Timo Muller, who's German and cycling through 14 countries for human rights. Yes my dear, a real-life 20-year-old human rights activist. And look at me, 20-year-old intern being blur and useless in the office.

Sometimes I feel like my life has very little meaning and significance. To the world, to myself, to changes, to a better cause. Days when it creeped upon me to ask: What the hell am I doing?!

We're all self-centred, of course, but I think I'm even more so. Look at the prefix "I" in the blog, for goodness sake. It's all about me and I and moi and ako and saya and mi.

Anyhoo, the fella's landing in Malaysia today and she get the job interviewing this really cool dude. I want to tag along! I want to me flesh-in-blood a better person than I am who is actually my age.

By the way, since I got razed for it pretty recently, I'm not the comment-leaving sort of person. So if you've dropped me 10 testimonials/messages in Myspace/Friendster/Blog and I didn't reply or return the gesture, it's not because I didn't go to your page or read your blogs, it's just that I'm...lazy, as usual, yo.

Thing is, I miss classes. I miss school. I miss the comfort and security and simplicity of all that. Working life ain't like that anymore. I'm school-sick! And I'm admitting it freely right now with my tail between my legs. Can I throw in a whimper?

Cos afterall, friends who know me, and know me well, know "friendly" is not my nature. This being someone else, someone civil, someone easy to talk to, someone friendly tires me. A lot of PR work on my part, a lot of skills that I think I learnt and somehow know inertly that I have to make full use of. This need of being sweet and smiling and empty greetings. Sigh. My natural inclination to being grumpy in the morning sometimes show. My temper hovers on the surface ready to raze at the worst opportune moment should the occasion arrive. Must. NOT. Let. Go.

Should.
CONTROL.
and.
CHANGE.

It's only three months, I can tell myself now. Will be able to weather through it all. But after that? The next 30 years? It will be a living nightmare. I've been told recently to consider and deliberate very deeply if journalism is for me. My gut feeling said vehemently: "NO!"

Cos I know now, its not about going out to assignments and interviewing people that bothers me now. Now I can do and ask whatever I need to to get my story in. Now I know it's the PR and communications in the office that is the feared factor. Trust nobody, bite yer tongue and smile and play dumb. Office politics abound and tis not school. People will be happy to step on yer just for the pleasure of it. I'm lucky I've never been in a situation where people sabotage/manipulate to get what they want. But it's not school. I'm out of the incubator now.

And then I realise: How vulnerable, and how incredibly stupid, and naive we truly are.

I'm learning. Learning.

Comments:
WQ made this comment,
hey girl, saw ur byline today ;)
hang in there!

Jun Hoe made this comment,
Yeah, can't trust people. That's why I work with animals - cos if they ever turned on you, they didn't scheme/manipulate/sabotage you just to gain a promotion/money etc. It's just what they are.