Time: 00:31
Mood: Tired
Mmmph. Tomorrow (technically today) is new semester in college. Semester 2. Wow. And I remember the first day of my first semester well. I knew nobody, it was my birthday, I did all the paperwork on my own (simply because I had no choice), walked to library, school hall and back to SPUS twice and I didn't drive.
Tomorrow I know exactly what time to go, who I'll meet, and where, no paperwork to do, no need to walk in and out like a clueless rusa masuk bandar and I'll be driving.
It's a lot difference. And to think I've been in college a mere 3 months. Driving is liberating. I can be in college and back 25 minutes flat one way. When I commute, it took 30 minutes on LRT and a further 20 on KTM. And Rawang line is never punctual. But I lose out in a way, in the fact that I cannot go to KLCC with collegemates impromptu cos I have to think about where to park my car and whether it's safe to leave it in college or what time I need to buzz off, beating after-work traffic.
My car. Ahh. Uh, so I depend on mom to keep an eye on its running and oil, and I'm lazy about washing it (which comes about once a month) and vacumming (once every other month)...and I don't decorate the car, sadly the only things I put in the car is
a box of tissue,
sunglasses,
mom's cassettes,
first aid kit and car manual,
a long-sleeved shirt,
coins,
and the Kuan Yin amulet my grandma gave to me to help me "watch" the road
but at least I'm careful about it. For example I don't run 90 km/h every day and I don't hightail or tailgate. BUT, my car has been quite unlucky. First, mom was waiting at a busy junction in Kepong when she attempted to go on the main road. She braked and there's a bang behind, and we saw this young man waving his hand like a mad bull. He's gotten himself two very angry women who flashed him ugly faces and the middle finger. Then a month ago when my mom went to the morning market, my car got scratched courtesy of some bastard. My mom consoled me by saying at least it's only a Proton, therefore there's
So I washed my car. I talked to it. Every scratch and gash and cracked mirror is like on my own body. Sakit hati la.
My bro's sitting for his PMR tomorrow. Sometimes, I worry about him. His obsessions with football cards, Pokemon play cards, computer games, mp3, football in the evening, football matches on tv, football jerseys and trackbottoms and socks and shoes and headband and ....did I mention he's obsessed with football? He's not exactly the studious type. He says he's already an above average student and told me and mom to shut up but my definition of "above average" is...maybe it's distorted but I consider myself only slightly above average and when I was in Form 3 and my results were 15%-25% better than his. He then proceed to yell that times has changed and it's not the same and it's more difficult. Times has changed in THREE (3) years? I really doubt it. There's some changes in the syllabus, they have literature now and exam format's slightly altered but that's that. And he know naught about Science and Maths and he didn't act like he care THAT much. I don't nag him or monitor him; our studies and our general lives outside the home (that don't involve each other) are our own personal business. But...don't stop me from being anxious. I don't want him lost and miserable in Form 4 and 5 like I was. I wanted him to ...perform better so that my mom will be less resigned to the fact that I had disappointed her with my SPM...I understand she expected more than what I presented her. My conscience is clear, I did my best (though not my very or even level best) and ..well. I know my bro can be so much better. He's just plain...lazy and didn't give a damn and blur and who cares. He's not stupid. He's just like a mule. Refuse to see solutions to simple equations. And I got irritated coaching him and he got frustrated with me. In a way we're two halves of the same egg. We both prefer languages and writing. We both wanted to do literature and something in the social sciences. But like me, he don't have a choice in our school. There's only 3 choices - science, sub-science or commerce stream. See, three years didn't make a difference. *sigh* Enough about him. He's my bro and I love him. He gave us surprises before, maybe he will for PMR.
And myself. I know and am very much aware I represent a big hope for my mom and my mom's mom and her entire family. My mom is the eldest sibling of 6 and none of them went to university. I have an aunt who was offered a place in University Utara Malaysia in the early 90s. She was the only one to complete Form 6 (the rest, including my mom, finished form 5 and went to private colleges) and the only one with the opportunity for uni and as a Chinese girl then (with the uni quota system and traditional parents) she's considered lucky. But she declined the offer, and decided to marry her high school sweetheart. She never really put it into words for me, but I sense she did regret marrying so early. She told me she went for interviews as a SIA stewardess and was shortlisted but she never called back. My mom also mentioned how much my aunt had to throw away because of a guy...and now, as my grandmother's eldest daughter's eldest daughter, my grandma put a lot of hope for me to go into uni and finish with a degree and she help me in everyway she could, financially, morally. She asks for amulets in temple, she gave my mom some fengshui stuff, she rewards me with cash for good (and not so good) results...I hope I can live up to her expectations. Just like my mom is grateful for HER grandfather for letting her (and subsequently, her siblings AND subsequently, bettering the lives of all generations after him) continue her studies in an era where girls don't finish secondary school and become hairdresser/nurse/teacher/seamstress instead, I will be eternally grateful to my grandma.
I'm really glad the holidays are finally over, though it meant looking forward to a very very hectic semester. More advanced computer studies and public speaking classes, no more economics unfortunately, but look at the bright side, no more accounts as well!
To semester two.
Comments:
A visitor made this comment,
=) I know that this comment is a month late, and you’re probably wondering, “Who the heck is this weirdo, crapping in here?!”, but well, being the pa gua that I am, my nosiness is insatiable. Well, I think I understand the ‘first-child stigma’. People expect you to perform like a cyborg, so that your “little brother will have a great example”. My anak bongsu friends insist that trying to stay out their perfecto older siblings’ shadow is worse, but I beg to differ. You say that you represent a big hope for your mom, gramps and basically the entire clan? Well, I'm already a member of the club of “You’re Gonna Get That Straight As Because You’re Good Enough To, And If You Don’t, Then You’ve Disappointed The Entire Human Race”. My mum was the eldest of 11 kids, and though she’s never exactly pressured me about my studies, I have a feeling that sometimes, what is not there is more apparent. Get what I mean? And yeah, my gramps hands me cash for my results, which kinda makes the guilt shoot up exponentially. But actually, I’m glad that they’re laying so much hope on me; it makes me go the extra mile. But sometimes, I think that we place too much emphasize on examinations.. There was once a guy who kept studying, but he kept failing. He worked his derierre off, but he still failed. And then he was apporached by his friend. Instead of saying, "God will help you to get 100 marks for Add Maths," the friend said, "God will still love you, even if you failed."
I’m glad to hear that your grandma is being such a supportive figure… ^_^.
Cheers, to everyone who has expectations to live up to!
emily [emily_dufleng@hotmail.com]
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