13 Sep 2003
At the moment
Song: New Beginning - OST Anastasia
What I had last: Breakfast in coffeeshop
My brain is saying: I need to budge up
Wishlist: Olympus M[mju:]400 Digital Camera or Kodak Easy Share. I really really really need this camera..my current one worked like Stone Age and if anyone have RM1k+ to spare...
Things kinda downspiral after the Lumut trip over here...I left my blog as it is for 2 days so that them BRATs can view their mugshots, but I guess it's time to move on. I have Biology paper in 3 days and I'm still here blogging. Something is seriously amiss, don't ya think?
And I've been thinking a bit. People who just knew me, won't know me at all. I don't know how I appear to them, never took the time to analyse it, but I think "sad" is not in their minds. Ah don't get me wrong. I'm not this depressed sicko walking around announcing I'm mental, far from it. It's just that deep down, I'm actually a serious person. Sense of humour is a facade, I use it as a shield and as a crutch, I mean, no sane person like hanging out with a depresso all the time, right? Even I run for my life if I even get a whiff of one. People are selfish, and I'm no exception. I just do what I've learnt to, put myself into someone's shoes and consider: Will I stand and even enjoy hanging out with me?
I have this serious self-esteem problem. I always think I'm not good enough for much. And the smaller I feel, the wackier and louder I become. Yep, the shield working it's magic. It's as if I always think I don't deserve a boyfriend because I'm fat and I'm not pretty. And when people say otherwise, I'd just brush it off as consolation. Even as of now, I still can't believe The Star selected me among so many and spent so much on me just so I can learn a little about journalism and do community work. Gosh, maybe I am an ungrateful b***h. I guess I'm just being vulnerable. Bah...!
Mind: Stop this pathetic whining already!
Hmmmph. Sometimes I feel a little bit hollow, like that Linkin Park song:
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I felt so long
I wanna heal, I wanna feel
Like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I wanted all along
Somewhere I belong
Yep, somewhere I belonged. I always feel happiest among people who shared my passion for writing, for life, for the ups and downs. Sometimes I get the chance to be there, but always momentarily. Can't complain, though, because I DID get that opportunity, as opposed to just sitting around, yearning.
And thanks to the internet, there's so many, many people I've met. Sometimes we even communicate better via 'net than face-to-face, if you'd believe the paradox. There's a guy, met him quite a couple of years back, although I don't trust him much, I've revealed a piece of myself to him, confided more than I like to remember, told him plenty and teased and...needless to say, he helped me grow up. He believed in me. That was enough.
There's also another person, we've gone through my PMR and his SPM together, now he finished his A Levels, and I'm finishing my SPM, and there's so many up and downs in between. I lost a bit of my heart to him, only to find it unreturned. But yet I didn't give up, because I just like him for who he is. And this person is a very jaded one. I can relate to him because of our shared cynicalism for life...and we're BOTH under 20, for pete's sake. The difference is that I manage to convince myself that the world outside is still colourful and worth discovering, but he let himself drown in an abyss of pessimism. Argh, I'm confused. How on earth can I fall for a faceless know-it-all pessimistic someone?!
There's yet another fella, he's like, this brilliant head student and smartie pants to the boot, yet he's so down on himself. Sometimes he's so unsure of himself, when I mention certain ugly characteristics on certain people, he'd relate it to himself. He's not a mean person, and he certainly is not a show-off (okay, well, sometimes he tend to get carried away..heh). Y'know, being a little bit frank is alright, I've tasted that tongue of yours and I didn't feel the need to grab your head and dip it into cow shit...so it's alright.
And then there was one where I met a little less than 5 years ago. When I was first introduced to him, he sounded like a obscene pervert and unpleasant idiot. When we're re-introduced 4 years later, I find him actually intelligent and a really nice person. Goes to show people DO grow up, yeah?
So, the net has opened up this whole new world, and I'm scared. Why?! Cos this isn't real! I hate to admit sometimes I blur the lines between reality and cyber-ity. My life do revolve around the 'net in a certain way, and I'm sort of reluctant to reexamine it. Because this is where I belonged. This is where I learn to express myself with words, compesate real emotions and body language with letters, bla bla bla.
The only thing I can be egoistic about is the way I have with words. And lately this is not true anymore. I've went through this massive writer's block that won't go away. Even when I read back articles written when I was in form 2, I wonder if I can ever produce anything like that anymore. In short, I felt insecure about my writing. I'm not deep, Del. It's just that I waste my time talking and doing nothing.
Mind: Dammit, Pui Yee, is there anything you actually LIKE about yourself?
I'm a nice person :). If I see an old lady on the LRT needing a seat, I'd stand happily. If someone is short of change at the bus station, I'd help. If someone needs directions, I'd point. But don't ever mess with me cos I hate being fooled. I don't forgive easily anymore. Grr. That is why I was taken aback when people ask me if they're weird. Frankly, I only know a few REAL weirdos out there. Anyone else is normal. Quirks are normal. Attitude is normal. No two people are the same. In fact I strived to be weird, but found that conforming to the norm makes life easier -- and happier. Sometimes I really want to turn back the time. Things I never appreciated, things I've took for granted - family, security, childhood games, my dog, time...tsk.
We're just all solo units looking out for our places under the sun, no? That is why I named this blog Frag|Men|Ta|Tion anyway. Each day is a fragmented piece of our lives and there is no linear way to piece it all together without getting jagged lines and papercut.
Brain: Hey, Pui Yee? Beat it. This is no time for all this stupidity. You're a pathetic lameass. Get to it and start studying. There's a pile of ironing to do while you're at it.
Mind: Alright, alright, I got the message. No more sap, happy?
Heart: Sentimental fool...
Since Delwyn (one of the BRATs) said such flattering things about me in his blog, I think I'd return the favour :). Visit him, do. His blog URL is at your left hand site, in the BRATpack gutter. He was my interviewee in the workshop and he's this really witty and down-to-earth guy who's into Jap anime. Sad to say I can't relate, but, hey, it's all back to being individual, right? I heard REALLY nice things he did in the charity home he went to, too...
Amelia made this comment,
Babe..worry not. I get insecure bout my writing by just looking at your writing. :) Me and everyone else I know who've read your stuff. You've got what it takes and you know it aight?
LPShean made this comment,
From your remarks...it goes to shows that SOMEONE is reading my blog.. anyhow... oopppss...MY BAD! Sorry to all Asian gals out there who happened to be offended by my blog. Guess you couldn't say it was intended to hurt Asians.. but merely just a way of expressing my red-blooded male feelings... i must say that i have a strange addiction to young female caucasians.... *..yep...you must be going what a fuckin' pervert..* but heck... i wouldn't change for the world! It's me..it's who i am... and ain't nobody gonna take that away from me! I must add that i also deeply fancy Holly Marie Combs and any gals for that matter licking dark chocolate...Most SEXY indeed! BTW Pui Yee... drop me a line would'ya? U sound like a very open-minded person. I added you to my bookmark list. Nice blog you have..oh...and i know...many times people tease you about your weight( TRUST ME.. I KNOW! ).... just don't give a fuck! * I'm kindda rude lately...with ongoing exam pressures and all...forgive me *...Like i said...don't bloody hell give a fuck! I know... more easy to be said than done.. But, TRY! Anyway... It's been a great pleasure knowing you! Keep In Touch!
ichimei made this comment,
There is nothing wrong with being depressed, with being as if you need to belong somewhere with some group of people. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. It is part and puzzle of life. What would life be like without the rain and just the sunshine? Boring, as hell. Without rain, there wouldn't be any flowers after winter, wouldn't be any fish and etc. It is just the same with a human being. Depression and the low parts of your life help you to better understand yourself as well as improve yourself. You are who you want to be not how you look like or sound like despite what other people think. No matter how crazy or impossible this sounds, screw them!
I have hang-ups about my looks - my mother keeps complaining about it. Of lately, since coming to Australia, I told myself to screw her. If I want to lose weight, I'll do it for myself not because she thinks I'm fat. Besides, Pui Yee, you don't need a man to make your life perfect. Trust me. I've been down your road before. I first started dating when I was 20 hitting 21. When I was your age, books and writing were my best friends.
As for writers' block, *laughs*, I'm going through one right now. I can't write the way I used to when I was in school but then again, I'm not upset about it. I used to write romances and poetry but now, I'm more inclined into drama, plays and etc - it is a change and change sometimes is necessarily bad nor good. Change is unavoidable and most of the time, change brings about fresh and new qualities about yourself that other people will definitely appreciate. Good people.
Want to know a couple of weirdos who write? My boyfriend, his sister, myself and a whole forum full of these people (at ShinraOnline.com) - go to Jha's Journal on my blog and find out for yourself.
The internet is a parrallel universe to reality and while it may not be 100% real, it had some of the characteristics of a real community - courtesy of Mass Communication studies at LICT. Cheer up girl! You are who YOU want to be - not what people think or say about you. *huggles*
Visit me @ http://ichimei.blog-city.com
A visitor made this comment,
How does this go again? I'm so technologically out. Nyways, Pui Yee, nice blog, if you ever read this comment. Though I kinda wished that you wrote stuff instead of putting up photos of the workshop. And like i said, i hate my photos. Over and out!
Alvin Choong [firstname.lastname@example.org]
A visitor made this comment,
I used to know lots of people who couldn't hang out with their own clones, and I'd feel proud knowing I'd be my own friend. After some introspection I realize that it might not be true. :(
Albert Ng [email@example.com]