23 Jun 2004
At the moment
What I had last: Mom's Tom Yam soup
Wishlist: Greenbacks, as Lex aptly put it. I'd sell friendships for a stack of it, yep.
College isn't cheap, y'know? Why can't you study hard, at least? Concentrate on only your new friends, come home, sleep, chat at night...procrastinate when it comes to your stuyding and revision, you think college is really for fun? Where's your priorities? Why can't you set your goals now? You can play all you want during holidays, you had 6 months, isn't it enough? Why do you have to drag yourself like that? Everyone go through the same thing, why do you think you're miserable, huh?
That wasn't my mom. That was my conscience speaking.
Sucks, everything sucks. From the lack of old friends who can share the miseries to the lack of time for leisure, or the lack of ability to study hard. Sometimes, you pick up your handphone, scroll through the so-many names, and wonder who you can call and truly confide in. Or even if you can find a person, what you can say without burdening them more. I felt bad enough that sometimes all I can do is complain and bitch, and putting up a front in college is exhausting enough. My friends have their classes, their problems, their life to manage and bitch about, too. But the truth is, I'm not that bubbly, that smiley, that boisterous, that happy, that crazy, that wacky, that talkative all the time. And when the effort is too much and I behave like the real me, people notice, and soon, I've slipped back into the pretense.
It doesn't make me fake, I guess. It's not an alter ego, I'm not trying to hide anything. I just avoid questions, concerned looks, heartfelt talk. And I do that by appearing happy-happy and smiling and being loud and dramatic. I don't trust nobody. I'm too serious and jaded, but I can't help it. Some things I did, I feel so stupid doing it. So immature, so flimsy, so superficial. Sure I love shopping, I love movies, talking to friends, joking. They make me forget or avoid thinking too much. I'm not saying I'm all misery at home. I live in the now, I don't dwell, but I have off days. Days when all I want to do I hide in my room and read a long novel with an iced drink on my sidetable. I don't go off sobbing-fest, don't worry. But college is so consuming. And I'm feeling so lost in this sea. I need a buoy, something to cling to and can tell me where I'm standing on, where I needed to go. There's no more whys in my life, what God give me, I accept, and I move on. It's the hows and wheres I need to figure out.
Anger. It's so deep within me it's a part of me. Puiyee=anger. Bad-tempered, quick-to-anger, direct, scalding, short-wired. I know, and control isn't exactly easy. It make me so vulnerable to elements when I'm angry. Yet, I still am. At what? So much frustration needed to be vent, so much to be screamed and yelled at...I'm sorry. I'm sorry to everyone I've yelled or lost my temper to recently and there's many.
Contemplating. It's strange how even though I commute everyday, it never fail to excite me when we pass by certain landmarks. I mean, some days I just flop on a seat, trying to look invisible and falling asleep, but on days I can manage, I look out and contemplate. Life is beautiful, the world is so bright and bustling and people with purpose stride in and out. And then there's the sore sights, the aged buildings, the dirty road sides, the world-weary faces that come in and out, life ebbing away from them. Cynical people, in the money-chase. What's it worth in the end? Why do we all need to join that? For a bigger house, better car, more clothes, good food? For a fatter pay check and a tidy sum in the bank? To pay tax, insurance, bills and then some? To secure a position in the social ladder and the corporate ladder? To bring back money for your spouse, children, parents? Is this a duty? Responsibility? Obligation? Who and what right do these people have to state we all must join this race in order to become a respectable member of the society? Redefine trash people then. Druggies? Beggars? Because they ate our money up? Are their lives less meaningful than yours? What about those who do illegal business then? They're probably richer, louder and prouder. Are they trash? Or are they not? And what about modern Robin Hoods? Giving up their careers and namesakes to 'help' make a better society? They most probably do not work high-ranking jobs, receive small allowances and live day-to-day. Are they trash, too, now? And people like me, all talk and no action, lazy, contributing nothing to society, am I trash? Am I?
Listen to the waves
Look at the universe
Infinity is so beautiful
Eternity is serene,
The light of the stars dancing
And I walk between their glory
And it goes beyond
Where is the end of the world
If little specks we call us
Can only see so far?
What is beauty, if the lights of sunrise
We cannot put into words.
Smell of woodfire, sight of driftwood
Sea breeze, playing with hair and dried leaves
Who are we and why are we put here
To see such as our world
From so short a sight and so low a perspective
And we dare declare life -- beautiful?
A visitor made this comment,
Im having a de ja vu when i was reading yer blog..... did you put this on before??? Becos im very sure i`ve read it before months ago :/
Amelia made this comment,
Hang in there buddy. If you wanna talk I'm always here kay...I know I may not be there for you often now but keep in mind you've still got a friend in me..-Hugss-