Monday, March 19, 2007

Lo there

16 Jun 2004
Mmmkay I've been buzzed by a lot of people to blog. So I'm blogging. I'm a good people, I listen to advice and orders.

Why not blog? NO TIME for anything, absolutely. Well maybe it's a lie, but in the midst of projects and assignments and stuff, it's just too tiring to think anything more that what's required. Besides there's nothing much to say, nothing positive. College has settled into a routine whereby upon arrival every morning, I'm already whining about going home. Sleepy headed and boring lectures mix as well as sushi and peanutbutter toast. In fact I'm stealing this one-hour break to just blog. Cos, shit do happen sometimes.

College has been pretty fun. 1 month into it and I got teased with a fella from next class. Talk about fast work. I spent loads of time with these new people and surprisingly did not feel uncomfortable. My theory of not being able to mix with some people is true I suppose. Chemistry problem. Went to KLCC and watch Harry Potter with new gang, then took someone to British Council, Midvalley...the staff at I Need House demanded for my IC! Don't I look 18?! Don't I!???

But...sometimes, I'm reminded of the fact that I'm living in a bed of lies and diet of deception and sweet talks and disappointments and empty promises. I'm not just waxing lyrical. All I want is for you to read, and not judge. Comment, do, but do not judge or give your 2 cents if you know nothing and thought you know everything.

Trust. I'm beginning to think there's nobody in the entire world I can trust. Not when the one I should trust proved...untrustable. Again and again lies has been spewed, drama has be staged, speeches rehearsed for my ears. And again and again I forgive. Or maybe it's denial. And the circles do not end...hurt? What's left inside me to hurt anymore? It was more than hurt nearly 3 years ago. Why does it still hurt today? Why claim and proclaim love and care when calculate every cent you send? Why fight to take away my insurance for my future? Why can't let go? Why? Why come back, again and again and again to destroy my faith and trust, my pillar whereby I hang on to...why? Because you're a fucked up sadistic BASTARD. SON OF A BITCH.

I know hurt and betrayal is a constant part of my life, it cannot be erased. I've witnessed, perhaps even forgive. But I'll never forget because you can't take back your words, your actions when it's been uttered. The irony. I hate you with every beat of my heart, I think I still have love for you. But it's so difficult to love, when you don't need it. When sweet nothings are just whispered but never meant, merely a facade, a stage to show off, to prove something. You used me. Used my love. Everybody's. And you took it for granted we're supposed to forgive and forget. What kind of person you are? What? Tell me, what?

On the other hand, get away from my life. Get away. You broke my heart. Don't try to mend it. There will be no more sorrows for you.

Happy Father's Day.

A visitor made this comment,
Hey , if you need a friend to talk to, im here ok? :)
Andrew [andyrewchua@hotmail/]

GenieOnTheLoose made this comment,
it's okay to rage in a stormy sea

A visitor made this comment,
hey, puiys... dun worry about... you-me, we go through the same pain, eiah? let the past be the past..i agree, my pa is a filthy bastard.
he doesn't deserve to be a father.

A visitor made this comment,
It takes a strong person to hate but a stronger person to forgive. When we are parents, we will know what it means to be one. Until then...we judge and never fully understand it.


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