6 May 2005
I think...I've successfully led the life of a semi-recluse. Not only am I interacting (mostly) with my mom and bro (and my mom's extended family on occasion and my friends on occassion, occasion (get it? doubly so?)) my phone credit is almost virtually unmoved since I last top up and my inbox remain...empty.
Hey I recognise patheticness when I see it. And it glares back from the mirror right back at me. Ouch.
I haven't even chatted much on the phone or over MSN Messenger. This is coming from me. ME! moi! I mean, the self-admitted net junkie who gets daily fixes over 3-hour chat marathons! Partly not my fault...all the chat kaki moved on, anyway. I have a thing for older people. And they all moved on. And now I'm at their ages and I've ran out of things to talk about...finally. I think it's called net-burn. And I'm roasted.
I haven't even written much, to be honest. Well, honest? I haven't written anything at all! It's like a super duper writer's block that's becoming permanent fast. I haven't seen anything and went "Aha, must blog about this". No more inspiration to write about something. It's as though I've left something behind when I leave school. Think it's called the spirit. I'm now inept at socialising. Insipid when chatting. Irritated easily.
Like, I need...passion! Argh, what do you call it, a soul, a spirit, an enthusiasm for...things! Get myself involved. What's happened to me? I used to try to get into things, into limelight. I try to make things happen for myself. Now I'm sitting willingly in the sidebenches. Now I fear politicking. Getting contented. Lazy. I mean, as I grow I expect maturity...not jadedness. I need to do something here, man. Can't live this way no more. I'm bored to death and feel forsaken. Feel insignificant. How come I can do stuff at 15 that I can't anymore at 19? No way! Like what is said in Coach Carter, the principal said those (basketball team) kids' highlight of their life would be at the regional match, and Coach said no, that should be the beginning for something better.
Ambition! Self-motivation! I need to WANT this. I need to WANT this something enough, need to push myself for it! I need to once again, be the very very best I can be! Doing okay didn't suit me. Trying to stay out of limelight...? That failed miserably. Yeah. Gotta reevaluate myself, my abilities. Gotta reset my goals. Gotta KNOW what I want, and want what I want enough for me to achieve it. I. Have. It. In. Me.
Gotta start with university. Cannot let this insecurity paralyse me. I'm scared. What if I make a lousy journalist? What if I just never learn the skills of interviewing? What if I'm not quick enough? Smart enough to get the latest, hottest news? What if my ego interferes? What if I make a stupid blunder? What if I'm not good enough, that I do not have what it takes to be a good journalist?
Of course I'm scared. Of course I always have a little voice nagging me, asking me if I've made the correct choice. Of course. But it's not an excuse. It will not paralyse me. Will not.
A visitor made this comment,
Yes, you shall not paralyse. Just like the phoenix which rises from the ashes, you have to hit back, come back, stronger. And you know what. You've already taken the first step.
"Above the planet on a wing and a prayer,
My grubby halo, a vapour trail in the empty air,
Across the clouds I see my shadow fly
Out of the corner of my watering eye
A dream unthreatened by the morning light
Could blow this soul right through the roof of the night"