18 Dec 2003
At the moment
Mood: Reminiscizing (sp?)
What I had last: Chicken Curry
My brain is saying: Alvin! All your fault!
Wishlist: Olympus M[mju:]400 Digital Camera or Kodak Easy Share. I really really really need this camera..my current one worked like Stone Age and if anyone have RM1k+ to spare...
I'm hours away from watching the next and last installment of LOTR and never intended a blog tonight.
However, I've been to Alvin's (click on it in the gutter on your left, do) blog and after reading it, I'm hit by a current of...memories. Of those 5 days (6 technically) "marooned" in an island with 30 other dynamic young men and women and 15 superadults.
I missed Mabul. Plain and simple. The no-tech, no-frills rules. The gossiping sessions. The people, all the good and bad. The toxin "non-crisis", too. I feel like I want to go back and do this trip all over again. I can think of a few things I can really change...if only I know.
Haha. I didn't really "just" hang with the Lumut lot. Just attracted them them like a magnet of opposite poles. I got to know a few really cool people too - Hanna, Melissa, Kelene, Jackson, Vysia, Jezamine, Amanda, ...there's just too many names. And I thank you guys, from the bottom of my guts. My heart. My soul.
I'm not an easy person to be with. I'm not always kind, too. And it's a sad, unchangable fact. So even doubly thanks for bearing with me and having fun, in spite, despite and because of me. I know I always have The Star, Ju-Eng, the journalists as well as the person who decided to toss my name into the Mabul list to thank for. And I thank you. I don't know how to begin to express my appreciation. And I'll try to advocate marine conservation here in my home and later in college.
BRATs. I love being a BRAT. Meeting people who have a flair for writing. And although I'm proud to say I belong, my wits and my style sometimes dimmed as compared to other people. People I admire, grudgingly and willingly.
People like Tiara. Her vivid imagination, her love for life, her optimistic attitude. She opened my eyes and made me ashamed of myself. Really.
And Alvin, who came out of his shell. Perhaps he broke his eggs?
Anyways, I'm overcome with gratitute and I hope this is one positivity in my life.
I remember Ee Koon asking, at 17, 18, how many of us had broken dreams. I did. It was tough. Still is. People don't understand. They won't. But a friend told me, don't bring my burdens to BRATs. Think of it as an opportunity, a getaway from life in KL. I hope I didn't let him down.
But sometimes, I wish, I can just come out with it and let people know. Let them know about this wounded soul.
Days are getting tough for me. Knowing you're only a piece of trash and a parasite to someone is hurting. Sometimes, I'm sorry I even exist. But this is just pessimistic and pathetic talk. I'm here, I gotta be selfish, gotta take care of myself. Gotta prove that I can. Be who I am.
But, these talks are useless. At the hour when the sadness and anger is so acute, I wish I can look for a way out. The easiest way. Out.
A visitor made this comment,
I'm so excited! I got a comment from Dame Anita Roddick! *yay* Anyway...you might want to update your link coz it looks like I'll be updating the blog-city journal as well. Many thanks, Pui yee.
Vysia made this comment,
Hey, we all have broken dreams. But its what we want to do with those broken dreams that matter, cos it's up to you to decide whether they're worth piecing together or if they should just be swept away to oblivion. Whatever you decide, always remember that you have a friend in me.. =)
So keep smiling and shining.