Left out

25 Jan 2005
Time: 02:21
Mood: Ponderous


Blogs are a double-edged thing. While it is true its a place of your own to do as you please....it's a place others can read and comprehand. Not like I don't know that. I've screwed up with my friends precisely for that reason.

I don't know...I think I felt left out again. When I read about people having fun and doing things that doesn't include me, pangs of emotions I dare not analyse nor name hit me. Over and over, each and everytime. I'll think, how come they have time to call her but not me....how come others know about stories but not me....am I the last one to know....or am I supposed to not know at all. I know, nobody is indispensable, but...have I been dispensed with so quickly? Is it my fault? Am I too critical, too foul-mouthed, too aloof, too disinterested? I'm ashamed to admit, sometimes I felt like I'm competing for attention with her. It always seem like they prefer her to me. I feel bad saying all this. She's my friend, too. Nothing to compete with. Its just that I felt like between me and her, she come first, I'm last. This is such immature thoughts. Even for me. Gawd!

Pity is, I'm hanging on an edge. I am my own company, my only company and my company. It used to be by choice, but now, I'm not so sure. I don't want to go out so often, I don't have the money to. And everytime we go out, I need to spend at least some. Yet I'm tired of being alone now. I yearn companionship, knowing what's going on, laugh. I'm not great at talking now, I think I've lost the art. Strangers are mightily awkward now. Things at home are pretty strained and...familiarity breeds contempt. Could it be right? Too familiar with my mom? Taken her for granted? Not caring enough?

Truth is I care for nothing enough nowadays anyway. I don't think I care about myself a lot, either. Either that, or I care too much. I think I didn't care. I give no damn to nothing. I have no more burning passion for anything. Not even for my favorite reality shows. That's something. During exams, I didn't give 100% to studying. I'm forever distracted by things I know is not important or useful. I couldn't care for anything except that I arrive on time, pass the paper go home and sleep. I always wanted to sleep. I sleep at 4 am, and mom wakes me up by 10 am. Maybe because I didn't have enough of sleep at night, I grow drowsy in the afternoon, and mom and I argued over the fact that she had a hard time waking me up in the evenings. And then I got too much sleep and can't sleep early at night. This circle is vicious. I'm blessed to say the least I don't have the eyebags to show. Not even on the most terrible days.

And now...I don't know. I'm not sure. Is my friend in trouble? Depressed? Sad? Why didn't she reply my message? I know better than to persist, yet, this is troubling. Haven't seen her for a couple of days. I used to know what's going on. Now I'm just depending on guesswork and hearsay. Adjustment I need to get over with. She'll bounce back. Always does, always will. So I wait. In faith.

Don't have my car anymore, at least for this month. My aunt and her husband and kids were in a pretty bad accident. A huge, overloaded lorry failed to brake and hit a smaller lorry which hit a Camry which hit a......which hit a....which hit my aunt's husband's car...which hit a....it's a 9-car pile up. His Wira Aeroback totalled. The front and back were smashed in. The woman in the Camry were blessed; half the head of the smaller lorry were in her car, it stopped inches from her seat. My cousins are physically alright, that mattered the most. Well they need to go to work, go to school and run errands, and I'm on month-long holiday. So I loan them the car, they need it more than me. I need to stay home and pack up anyway. But ah. Can't go anywhere now. Need to depend on the charity of my friends who're willing to fetch me. Which....well.I don't know. The left-out thing rearing it's ugly head.

Bah. This suck.

Amelia made this comment,
Aaahhh..I really hate to have you feel this way. Really. I don't want you to ever feel left out, that is if I was the one who did. I don't deny that much has happened since we last met, maybe i've been too preoccupied with them till I forgot that I have a friend who's on holiday. :) Don't ever feel left out. You have no reason to really. You're always on my mind when outings are planned and when major kick ass trouble are a'brewing'. And so far nothing major has been happening, nothing major that I can't handle. Gee cept for my results. Gah!! Will let you know on the phone. Have faith in the importance you hold in my life. I've come to realise that you really are. Don't feel left out, don't drift...call me when you ever feel that you should. I'd always appreciate that. :)

A visitor made this comment,
hey, i know its not in my place to say anything but i know how u feel. have been there numerous times in the past. but dont worry, it'll turn out ok & u'll learn who ur true friends are, those who stick around no matter what & it'll make u stronger =) chin up. take care
yook hwa [jaden_lilies@yahoo.com]

A visitor made this comment,
Reach out and others will reach out TO you. Probably your aloofness creates a wrong impression upon others, they may think that you PREFER to be alone.
passer by

A visitor made this comment,
yo... dun be like that...it's just a phase you're going through.. i feel that way too, sometimes..but it will go away.. dun frust too much.. after u get wrinkles.. not good..not good...
i do hope things will turn out better..hey...lets go out for a drink la.. i miss u..its been a long time since ive seen you..
muackss..take good care
michelle

A visitor made this comment,
hello....
loooong time no hear
i've givenup on blogspot.
link me at www.xanga.com/zweet16 ok?
much love
neTte
*neTte*