Tuesday, March 20, 2007


18 Feb 2005
Time: 01:59
Mood: Weary

So, this is it. The countdown is nearing the end. We're moving soon. Like, Saturday. Technically, tomorrow.

I'm feeling awful, awful ambivalence. I don't want to move! I love my home. This is where everything happened, happened. I'll miss my room the most. My most private space. My solace. The small window which lets in not-nearly enough sunlight. The one tree I can see. The smell of the rain and green forest mingling. The cacophony of night bugs. My own, personal, complimentary orchestra that has lulled me to sleep for nearly 8 years. I love my spacey home, because, well, its spacey. For years my mom complained it's too big for cosiness and warmth. Indeed, warmth was lacking by far in my household at one point. But this is also the home I've spent my teenage years in. The brunt of much angst and soul-searching. Pivots and turning points of the up and downs of my family. The last house which has held a whole, the only house that has witnessed the break. My cat Kitty and dog Cherry was buried in the forest behind my house. I don't know the exact spots anymore. Just that they were once here, and they are no more. I'll even miss my house phone number. I'm sorry to leavy my study table and bedframe behind; they've outlived their usefulness, I'm afraid. The bedframe looks a bit old. The study desk was made for 2 and too entirely huge for my new room, and it's no surprise. The desk and bed was taken from the apartment we used to live in -- been with me since I was 7 and now I'm turning 19. Its too sad, all this. Too heavy an attachment. I'll always remember. I'll always cherish. I'll always hold in memory.

The drizzle sympathise;
Raindrops splattering on awnings
Crickets and whatnots buzzing
Sounds louder, clearer
A final encore.
The scent sharper
Muskier than ever
Here I've been a teenager
Here I leave before I left
Here I've loved and hated
Eight years to memorize
Eight years to remember
Not enough...
Not nearly enough.
But I have to take a bow now
I have to move on.

On the other hand, the new house is smaller (easier to clean and maintain, no more mopping forever!), nearer to my grandma. I can always drop by whenever my aunts are around. Its not bad there...in fact it's very good, in view of the circumstances. Mom went out of her way to please 3 difficult people, and she tried hard. So much cleaning, packing, boxing and arranging we did, and have to do, and I've enjoyed it. Its just a place I need to be at this moment, and I acknowledge that. Life there may be rosier, we're leaving behind much bitterness and a past. Well, we're uprooting, that's that. It's going to happen whether I want to or not.

I'll always miss here, though. Awful, awful ambivalence, sigh.

On the other hand:
College starts next Monday, which left Sunday to unpack and...rest? And search for my bag, pencil box and paper.

Connection's at 45.2kbps which I'm very, very, very happy with. I've seen 4.5kbps and 12.9kbps in the past few weeks. Either that or I don't get connection at all. But...it's not going to last.

Funny how everything that could zap in this house went zap. The Astro, the energy-saving bulbs popping one by one, the phoneline, the kitchen stove...like they're on strike now that they know they're going south. Belongings have soul, y'all.

A toast. To the old. A farewell. A hope that the future dwellers will find their own joy and happiness in this house.

Able to take up, able to put down
Ling tak hei, fong tak tai
--Cantonese proverb

A visitor made this comment,
Seriously good luck packing up. When i shifted a few years back, the packing and re-packing was killing me. The first week, i had to sleep in literally a junk yard with plastic bags full of stuff in every inch of my room. So, good good luck. You'll need it.

Jun Hoe made this comment,
Hey, happy moving into your new home. Letting go of something that played such a large role of your life is never easy. But as you said, change in life is inevitable. We just have to take it in stride and hope for the best. No, make that work hard so it will be the best. Take care yo, see you during my spring break.

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