16 Nov 2003
At the moment
What I had last: -
My brain is saying: -
Wishlist: Olympus M[mju:]400 Digital Camera or Kodak Easy Share. I really really really need this camera..my current one worked like Stone Age and if anyone have RM1k+ to spare...
Delayed blog - wrote this in my journal and decided to blog it anyway.
I always liked the night air. The sounds of bugs humming outside my window like a symphony, roosters crowing near dawn somewhere...it's just so peaceful and there's a tinge of loneliness and desolation being awake, alone, in the night. Sometimes I get flashbacks of the far past, a deja vu of being there before, of days when I played skipping in the school parking lots, when I played with chalks on the cemented floors...it seemed so much more happier and now, now I only listen to the same sounds, breath the same coolness in a different time, in a different space.
There's no voices in the night, no food, no tv blaring, no cars passing by, no warmth, just a veil of thin air and mist, inviting you to think, feel and ponder. Despite all my optimism and attitude, night is when I let everything go. I'm a pessimist at heart, always will be. I didn't choose to be born, either, y'know. It's just fate and chance. And I was given THAT chance. To be alive. To taste the world. To breath. And I have two choices: seize the chance or waste it. Why fight fate? I'm not jaded yet. Even if the tears fall, I know there's a tomorrow. To cry is weak, but not to cry is to hold myself back. So all I can do is to hang on. Cos I believe, I believe tomorrow will always come. I mean, what's there not to know? Insecurity? I've known enough for me to know that you don't need to leave it all to fate. Fate is you. You let fate control you, you're stuck. You can't moved forward.
Suicide? Giving up?
I know about all those crap. And I turned my back to them. Because I've seen much more humbling integrity on others. If I think I'm the unluckiest one alive, I'll be as much a hypocrite as some people. Who am I to complain? I can feel down, I can feel miserable, but I won't let it control me. I'll be so ashamed of myself. There are kids out there, living in the streets - drugs, abuse, begging for a meal. I have shelter, I have food on the table, education. Enough. More than enough. Grateful. Must learn to be grateful. Dawn will always rise. One day I'll share that dawn with someone. Tonight, that dawn is mine.
Why some people just can't see it? They say I judge, but they've wasted half their lives on themselves and their supposed misery. Some people have a loving family, parents who doted and spoiled the shit out of them; yet they turn their backs on their parents and seek solace with others, worshipping a pretense.
Let go, Pui Yee, my heart say. In the night, I always wanted to turn back the time. I didn't want all that happened, happen. It wasn't my choice. A single decision ruined us. Two years, and counting. I can't stand it, either. What is this, a punishment of a lifetime of sins? Let it all not be too late. Can it be rectified? I don't want to fantasize, yet, sometimes, it's all I can do. It's out of my hands. I hoped and I hope a complete picture will one day be completed, from this gigantic jigsaw puzzle of life. I like jigsaw puzzles. But I hate having a missing piece. But sometimes you drop them along the way, or the factory left it out. It's not in your control. Until the last moment, the very last piece, you don't know.
No, no, no and no. I cannot be this self-absorbed. There will always be tomorrow. Life goes on and I go on with it, or I get left behind. I can't let my life pass my by. I want a meaning from it too, something I can hold on to, something I can tell myself I've achieved in this time and space. Painful, but we'll all learn. Perfection is not what I seek, just completion. And then, this dream ended. Another day, another chance, and I'm still here. And I'll watch the sun rise.
And more, much more than this,
I did it,
Delwyn Lee made this comment,
Well, I am still waiting for u to join my Hypocritus Club.
Motto : No Purpose,No Truth, No Shame.
Doors are still open...
ichimei made this comment,
How was SPM? Everything done? Anyways, just to update you on the situation on me - my blog has been delayed because of work. Yup, I'm lecturing at KDU - under their Mass Comm. twinning program. :) I miss my boyfriend heaps. *sighs*
Been keeping busy by concentrating on work, and my novel - yes, have started writing a drama piece which I think is great! Don't mean to brag, but I really like my story! :)
I hope to one day meet you...it has been nice just watching you grow and reading your blogs. Hope to see you in KDU - if you do decide to study here.
In the meantime, all the best, gurl!
ps: You know where you can reach me - via email or ICQ. Have fun, dear!
A visitor made this comment,
hello pui yee.
well, the SPM is nearing the end. how was it? i know that you say that it's shitty, but how was it REALLY like?
i hope you don't think about the prolems that ar bugging you. it will pull you deeper and deeper into depression. trust me on that one.
hope to see you during the holidays. my exam just ended yesterday. freedom feels so sweet. maybe we could hang out. we didn't really get to hang out when i was still in school. ;)
ok then. till next time. have fun. take care.
be happy! ;)
Michelle made this comment,
yo woman!!! herm...well, today's the last day, isn't it? Well, mine was over like...3 days ago...don't mean to brag...but i am damn glad. I've never felt happier to pack my room. Seriously. Merdeka was really cool.
Well..anyways...congrats on the freedom you'll be getting after today..or after 4? hmm..whatever...congrats anyways.
Visit me @ http://www.mylifeasagirl.blog-city.com