15 Jun 2003 00:20
At the moment
My brain is saying: I'm worrying too much
Wishlist: Olympus M[mju:] 300 or 400 Digital Camera. I really really really need this camera..my current one worked like Stone Age and if anyone have RM1k+ to spare...
ArgH. Let me begin by warning you:
I'm in a foul, bad, lousy, sucky and terrible mood. And it's here to stay, considering I've felt like this almost all week. Going to school and facing the music really throw me into the dumps...geez if I start crying (again) in front of my computer, will it look weird (again)?
Nevermind. That's just me. If you know me well enough, you'll let me do what I want, whether it's throwing my 1600-paged Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary on the floor (won't do that. It's a gift from school), or banging doors, or let off torrents of curses, scream or bawl. You will.
Source of my foul mood? I don't know. It's...being treated like a child by someone who's barely 12 years older, I guess, as one of the reasons. Some people just can't take the fact that people do grow up and out of the *censored* stage and frank conversations are a fact of life (and I'm not implying sex). Some people just can't see themselves acting like a kid and accuse others of acting like one. Some people are just ...oh fawk. I'm not continuing. Can't find polite words. And I'm getting angrier and angrier as I analyse things. And this is supposed to be therapeutic, not provocating.
Last night (this morning, to be exact), I had a dream. I had 2 dreams actually. I don't remember the second one. But the point is, I had an eerie dream and I remember vividly. I have many vivid dreams, but this morning's...okay, I'll start ranting. In my dream, I told my younger brother I had to die. There was a verdict on me that I must die, and it was by beheading and scenes from Chinese dramas about beheading flashed by. And the punishers are my..parents. I remember I was a little scared, that I was supposed to die the next day, and at a certain time. I remember finding it strange that my hands are clammy, cold and wishing this was a dream, that I'll wake up. I got more and more scared until finally the day passed by and I'm still alive. I remembered trying to convince people that I should live and they told me I must die because I was verdicted to do so. And then they told me I'll be poisoned to death. I'll have to drink from the cup and then I'll drop dead. Then I woke up.
It took me a while to reorient myself, that I'm in mom's bedroom, safe and with sunshine streaming in. I had many disturbing dreams over the years...and they all scare me. What's this..premonition? My last life before reincarnation? My God.
Check back with me after a week. Maybe my mood will improve then. Til then, leave me alone to wallow in my own self-destructive sulk. Sigh.
I'll end by saying there's nothing to worry about. Once I talked frank and heart-to-heart with Shu Jun...she and I agree sometimes we're allowed to just be sad, or angry, or disappointed, or broken. It's okay to just switch on slow and sad or angry and loud mp3s, sit on the floor beneath your computer desk and just sob or sing. I'm amazed to find doing that ..is actually..I won't say normal, not exactly, but at least I know now it's not abnormal. It's okay to allow yourself to fall into deep dark holes, as long as you know how and when to climb out. People can't put on fake, happy fronts 24/7. Sooner or later the energy for that run out and you're left with an empty, jaded shell. Well, I need some "recharging" now. Strange situations can let you have strange conversations. As we spew each other's hearts out, we were in a hall of 100+ Leos cutting up magazines to complete the pictures of their dreams and inspirations. We reminisce, we talked of suicidal thoughts, of life and lessons derived from it. It's one of those times. I'm reluctant to reveal more. Even if I don't respect my privacy, I respect hers.
Harry Potter 5 : 7