Phew

2 Feb 2005
Time: 02:54
Mood: Sleepy

Well hi. Nothing better to do than blogging at 3am about absolutely nothing of importance. I should sleep. Was watching Manhunt on channel 70. *Slurps saliva*

If you've read Amelia's blog, you would have already found out that I told her about my room's paint job. If you haven't read her blog, well. Here's the rundown: I've chosen soft green, sky blue and a soft orange for my room. Green on 2 walls, the sky blue (which is a stronger color) as a focus. My mom came home one day and told me the painter used pink to save costs. Naturally I was annoyed. Naturally I was disgusted. So when I go see the paint job for real, naturally I braced myself. To see....orange. Soft peach. Soft apricot. Call it whatever. IT WAS ORANGE! True, in a lighter shade and somewhat off-color, but heck. Momma made me worry for nothing!

Now for the real drama. Our toilet doors are those new, folded-into-half, with pictures in front, plastic roller kind of door. I've chosen a picture of the seaside. Just a reflection of a palm tree on a gorgeous beach that fades into shallow waters. Gorgeous yellow, aquamarine, blue. My aunts made quite a few tsunami jokes, but between rolling hills, lakes, snowcapped mountains and the seaside? Seaside for me. And for my bro's room, my bro left the choice to my mom. And she chose this....rolling hills, lake and clouds picture. Which in my opinion, is quite, well, hideous. Apparently the joke is on me. The factory reversed the order of the bedrooms. I ended up with my bro's door. My bro have my gorgeous door. We cannot change the doors. The measurements differ. The color of our walls differ. I...well. Words fail me. It's not a big deal, just a peeve that _________ a whining session. (Left blank because my fuzzy mind cannot grasp that word that's at the tip of my tongue and I stubbornly want THAT word)

Now the important thing. I've been ...this for many many many years. Since primary school. Went through all teenagehood. The cause of my self-depreciation, depression, shame, low self-esteem, self-confidence...you name it. People have been very cruel about it. I don't hide it anymore, not since I've been "enlightened". I can poke fun at myself, but I still cannot accept it as a joke from others. It inconveniented me. It stopped me from going places. It is the brunt of many blames and many tears and a whole lot of pain. I'm tired of it. I want it to stop. Before it can destroy me. I'm tired of myself. I just want to be like normal girls. I don't want to breakdown because I see others who can, but I can't. Sigh. I want to not be anymore bad. Hopefully I want this bad enough and long enough this time around. I hate myself a lot sometimes. Sigh.

Comments:
Amelia made this comment,
Silly girl. Why do you even hate yourself? How dare you. We all love you for who you are. It's your character that draws us to you and nothing more. How can you hate that?
I know jokes can get tiring. Trust me I KNOW. I had my fair share and yeah it gets sickening. But do this for yourself and for yourself only. Not for the wrong reasons or people. I'll support you all the way...maybe your determination might rub off on me too! Eheh! Luv ya! ciaos!

A visitor made this comment,
My room decoration constists of printouts of Mechwarriors. Sad, sad, I know......
And btw, cheer up gal! The world ain't half that bad once you know how to 'handle' it :)

shijun