9 Feb 2005
Sweet. First day of Chinese New Year and my MSN Messenger is giving me problems. Not that I expect anybody to be online at this hour. Its just that I've just gotten off the phone from a marathon yak and I can't sleep. In fact, I'm lucid, wide-awake and still want to talk a lot. Its been a long time since I want to talk a lot. Been a bit quiet, for me, lately (if that's ever possible).
Ah. Chinese New Year. The season of receiving and the excuse to indulge. Damn, not good for weight-losing. Very good for trying your resillience and (not) giving in to temptation. Cookies in the house. Savoury snack. Junk food. That's not good. That's not good at all! Don't feel a lot of atmosphere for the new year, just bought a few obligatory new tops, convinced my mom to get a box of mandarin oranges and sticking something auspicious to our front door. Of course, fireworks.
Isn't fireworks banned years ago? When I was in primary school, that must've been around 9, 10 years ago. Yet they are getting bolder and bolder year after year, banging and popping those "sky dragon" and "whizzing bee" and all those pretty names earlier and earlier and for the flimsiest excuse. Huge pyrotechnic displays that cost a bomb (anywhere from RM100 to RM500 per box) here and there....the annoying sounds of popping and crackling and whaming and booming from nightfall til at least 3am (its quiet and peaceful finally) and freaking the hell out of my dog...my fierce, scary dog. He tried chimbing in through the sliding doors, the french windows and the back door. When all else fail (because we closed and locked ALL doors with big enough gaps) he jumped in through a small window that's 4 feet above the floor. Desperate times call for desperate measures, eh? I don't condemn fireworks. I love watching them in fact. But til 3 am at night? Come on. Be considerate. Not everyone celebrate new year. Not everyone are nocturnal. In my imagination, I've always visualised policemen vroom-vroom-ing their way in their impressive motorbikes to every source of banging. But it's not gonna happen, ever. Think they prefer to stay in the station, drink tea, have some cookies and watch tv.
Talking to my friend reminded me of what's old and cosy, and what's foreign and dangerous. Reminded me how lives went on, paths differ and people change. I've never been too convinced on "never" (bad pun, sorry) or "impossible". We've all been falling for the weirdest people possible. I've fallen for people I now see as...ugh. I'll be mortified if anyone else ever find out. But there's also many trees in a forest. Many fishes in the ocean, so to speak. One of them isn't worth sacrificing the entire forest or sea for. Granted, I'm not too qualified in this. Who am I to speak of this matter? My own is nonexistent. What I can do is just to put my feet in someone's shoes. And that someone should just go ahead and do what someone think someone want to, as opposed to what someone think others want (or not) to. Firsts might be scary, but in the bigger scheme of things (and in 3 years to come) it's not going to be as significant. Yet, one tree and a whole forest? It might even by a lousy, rotting, smelly, shedding and fading tree. But it might also be a thriving, green, sturdy tree that will one day give you the shelter, security and protection you'll want. It's a 50/50. Whatever it is, do not think too far, the future is yet to be seen! Don't over-analyse, yo. The status quo might change. But it could be for the better. If it don't change today, it'll change someday! Enjoy what is the now, appreciate the present. Future, who knows?
A person need to be selfish in a way, can't think or live for others beyond one's means. I'm not going to be all politically correct and say the right things, because the truth, everyone know, hides behind the hypocripsy. Take words at face value. It saves a lot of heartache and trouble. Let people do their own growing up. Its not good feeling the worries and the need to help and guide when they're being refused or ignored. There's always a limit. Even monks have tempers, so said a Chinese proverb. People are ALWAYS more resillient then they appear to be. Strength exist in infinite amounts. You know that very well. Not many people can be as concerned or care as much as you do. That is why I am absolutely in love with you. But don't let yourself be taken for granted. And don't. Ever. Blame. Yourself. For. Things. You. Have. No. Control. Over! It's like giving yourself pain when there's no necessity for it! You're a beautiful person in and out, I want you to know that. Sometimes, just take a step back and breath. Remember, above all else, the right thing may not feel right, and feeling right may not be the right thing.
And again, in the bigger scheme of things, how will this er, drama, rate against, say, illness, tragedy, accidents, failing exams, catastrophes or deaths? (Damn this is so not auspicious for the new year...). But I'm not trying to make less of your problem. It weighs down greatly on your shoulders, I understand. Yet...I know you know what I mean. And no matter what you decide on, I know you will treasure and have considered deeply about your friendships first. I just do not want to see you hurt, either, hey. Have faith in yourself. Oh and? I love you.
Well, Happy Lunar New Year. I'm so wide awake, and off feeling guilty about those yummy choc chip cookies I had...