23 Nov 2004
Mood: Fucking pissed
Oh. So blog-city recovered my 'victim of hacking' blog. I did not see any of his/her handiwork, but my friend did. Said it was in Chinese characters and entries were about a couple. Oooo-kay. I can assume it's a pretty mad person who did it, and blog-city's security isn't exactly up to par with Pentagon's. Wait...Pentagon was hacked before. Hmmm. Fruit for thought, isn't it? Oh of course, I can also be sure s/he's a Chinese. Oh. Duh, you say.
Too bad. I thought it was a pretty good excuse to dump everything and jump ship over to my half-finished blogspot blog that I intend/do not intend to use anyway.
But that isn't the reason I'm mad/angry/infuriated/pissed/*insert word* and there's more synonyms in the thesaurus.
My mom. Am I disloyal for speaking against her? Am I unfilial for publishing her peachiness on the internet? Well, so be it. She's packing up cos we're moving soon. Neither me nor my bro actually help her if she didn't ask cos she gets fucking bitchy when she's harried.
I asked exactly 2 questions and she released a torrent of cuss words I don't wanna repeat here. Cuss words that is degrading, insulting and ..in short, she really went overboard. Do she realise what she's saying?
Ignored her like I ignore a tree. I mean, a talking tree. And I sit down to eat my dinner later, alone (which I prefer anyway) and she attack me again? Fucking too much.
I fantasize the day I move out, send her money through a bank account and cut off all contact with her. She'd prefer that anyway. She did told me in no uncertain terms what a disappointment I am to her. Many times. If I disappear from her life, she'll sing halelluva and have a feast. Don't tell me that's not true. She told me that, too.
God, if I'm unsound I'd go commit suicide in the messiest way possible so that she'll have to clean my mess up. Ha! And boy, won't she be mad? She won't be able to sell the house, there'll be lots of complicated reports, paperwork to do, questions to answer..bla dee blah. But I'm sane. I'm sane.
Fantasies have a tendency to run overtime. Either that or too much TV.
But seriously, she's my mother and I love her. I think. But when she stew in her own bitchiness and run her flap, I just want to throw stuff around just to vent my own anger. I don't wanna take that from her anymore. 18 is not old enough to move out and work. 18 is not enough to finally shut her up. I don't appreciate her treating me like a rebellious teen. I'm not. I don't smoke, do drugs, end up getting pregnant. Heck, I don't even go out clubbing or spend nights elsewhere. Maybe I should go ahead and get involved. Then she'll know how much of a disappointment I am not.
Amelia made this comment,
Hey babe..no point asking you to chill. It's like asking you to do the impossible. Well..it's hard to take but like you've adviced me before..keep it in. Wait for the day where you can finally prove yourself and trust me it'll be soon. So you hang on there.
And she loves you. It's a fact that nobody can deny, not even her.
Jun Hoe made this comment,
I could relate to how you feel, similar to how me and my dad goes. Yeah, as much as I know that he loves me, that's hard to digest when he's simply shouting at you for no reason and refuse to listen, making you feel like a disappointment. And you feel that maybe if you really go out and do all sorts of nasty things, it will show how good you were before this.
But PY, you're better than this. I know it, and you know it yourself. It's really frustrating at that moment, but hang it there and it will pass, eventually.