Monday, March 19, 2007

Put the D in press

15 Aug 2004
At the moment
Mood: Depressed
What I had last: Dinner
Time: 00:25
Wishlist: Greenbacks, as Lex aptly put it. I'd sell friendships for a stack of it, yep. And sleep.

Normally, I avoid association with the word depressed, because, well, my thinking is that, no matter how down and out I can go, there are people who're worst off.

Therefore, I act happy, I be happy, I smile, I laugh, and I hide my dark, angry, ugly side. Also, I think I achieve what I set out for -- new friends, lecturers think I'm just a cheeky, loud, happy-go-lucky person. Perfect. But at a heavy price. It's exhausting. Draining. And it's not "me".

I'm done, I'm through. I'm back to myself with vengeance. Face it, people. I'm not Miss Happy. I do not let people step over me. I will not allow people who yell and snap and make me feel small triumph. If you think i'm egoist and chauvinistic, welcome to my world.

God I feel so depressed, so down-and-out. I remember couple of years ago I can run to quite a few people online and complain and whine and bitch and cry and be angry at, but they're not here anymore. Time is cruel. They've moved on. The odd one or two left, they have their own burdens, I feel ashamed about taking it out on them. I pick up my handphone, scroll down the many names, and find no one to call. I get online I see no one I want to confide in. I go to college and...

My bad, too, I know. Many things I do not want to explain, many things I don't want to say. Rather, many things I let on some, I keep some. The secrets that never was, ey. I have no stamina to go back to square one and let people know from the beginning of beginning. No-questions-please policy works only because I don't question others, too. I feel bad about evading a lot of questions. Argh!

Feel so shallow and empty and yet I actually do not have the time or energy to dedicate to feeling all that.

Physique aside, even if I have or if I ever will find a guy I truly like, I wonder if I'll ever dare to commit. I admit, I'm scared. I see what happen to men who're jerks and make other people miserable. I don't want to be like that -- degraded, desperate, pathetic, miserable. I know I'm fine being independant and alone, but going stag is lonely. Yes, despite all the companionship and friends and people I'm surrounded with every day, I'm lonely.

I'm admitting everything tonight. Without even having control anymore about who's reading my blog and who's not. I hope not too many people who mattered read this.

I'm hurt. I'm so hurt by everything's that happening. I miss the old days. I miss not needing to worry and sharing another's pain and feeling responsible, even if that another is my own mom. I cannot stop the tears, and I don't think I need to. Who cares to see me this way, who will see me this way, anyway? Do you care? Does he care? Does he care?

It's not like I'll ever rage and destroy public property or anything. I'm just worried something will trigger me and I'll really lose it, and by now I guess new friends start to realise there's more to my bad temper than what I let show. You guys who've known me for years know how nasty I can get. Ish, of course I'll try to learn and control, I cannot behave like an immature adolescent anymore, hardly.

I don't know. Unexplainable. Where's my Prozac and Valium? I think I'm entitled to a massive overdose of both.

Where's the love? Where's the faith?
In the drain, sayang.

*in a very light tone* Aiyerrrrrrrrrr, people, I'm depressed la!

I hope I'm not making a huge mistake posting this.

Amelia made this comment,
Hey gurl...guess what, I'm going thru my own mini state of emotional whirlwinds too..and yes sometimes I too am tired of hiding it all behind a happy face. Dear unlike you in the past I was always ashamed to admit I had problems of my own. I've always kept everything to myself, never wanting anyone to know I'm weak. I always had a problem with that. I always cared too much of what people thought of me. But that's all crap. Honestly there were times I felt like a hypocrite. And now I'm so glad I've learnt how to let all that go. I'm spilling it all out. The bad the ugly..I don't care who's reading...I don't wanna care anymore! It takes too much energy and I havent got anymore of that to spare.
And one more thing, I may not be there for you as often now but that doesn't mean you can't call and whine and bawl like the old days. I'm always here. And anytime you need to talk, I'm always here. At least you need not explain from A to Z when you're with me. And you know what, I actually kinda miss talking to you...take care aight.

bear hugs,

jackson yeoh made this comment,
oh dear.
py, i havent talk to you for so long and i have no idea all the burdens you're carrying. you always sound happy and cheerful, always in control. its not like you to lose it. but i can understand.
you know py, i don't really know whats going on in your life right now, i'm guessing from the subtle hints you let out while chatting with me. it is not your responsibility to make people happy, never. i know, all of us felt obligated to do so, but there's to a certain extend where we can go on that path. when you fall into depression, thats when you should turn back. heck, you are yourself back in secondary and you still have great friends, and not a single care about how people perceive you. what makes it different here? sometimes you have to be selfish and start acting for yourself instead of just thinking about it. the more you think about it, the more you suffer.

Buddha had always said "walk on the middle path"
its pretty clear what it means. mediocrity leads to the peace of mind. i think you are working to hard to make sure you are accepted fully in the social circle you're in now. true friends accept you for who you are and not what mask you wear. why bother about people who cant accept who you truly are inside?

i know you have very strong opinion and are very outspoken. its time you act for your own good before you fall deeper into depression. then only you can define who is your true friends and who is superficial.

sometimes no amount of advice could appease depression. the only option is to try to stay happy. take good care of yourself okay... i hope to talk to you more online.


Jun Hoe made this comment,
Hey, in a way I do get how you're feeling. Somehow our lives seem perfectly ok, and to everyone else we look perfectly ok and nothing to be unhappy about. But the thing is, we do. We worry and get upset over things, but we don't let it out cos to others it might seem weak, trivial or even laughable.
Thing is, just take a deep breath. And do what you told me to do last time, focus on the root of it, and see whether being upset about it will help to solve it.

Cheers and peach out.

A visitor made this comment,
We all get lonely every now and then. Contrary to popular belief, even the most sociable of creatures feels loneliness once in a while, if not all the time.
What makes each of us different is how we can adapt to such emotions and feelings - how we ride the wave, so to speak. Chin up, take heart and be well.

We have all been where you are, including myself.


GenieOnTheLoose made this comment,
sometimes all we want, we may get then deny and doubt. abt the commiting part, you won't really know who may turn out to be a jerk in a long run, but you'd keep going back. like this song that goes, "like chocolate cake, like cigarettes, i know they (males) are bad for me, but i just couldn't leave them alone." life is like that too i suppose. it's like a russian roulette, it all depends on luck.
This is not much of a comfort, sorry, am bad at that. If you want, I'll get a bunch of us to go to your house and hold our palms abv you. Psychic healing =). JK. I truly hope you're feeling better. *hugs*

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