9 Dec 2004
I've screwed. I put my blog address on my Friendster out of rashness and my collegemates checked it out. They saw what I wrote. Specifically, they saw what I wrote about them.
It was insensitive and inconsiderate of me, and I did not think about what they feel should they read my blog.
For that, I really, truly apologize. I am sorry. I feel really bad.
They are my friends, and I appreciate that they've extended their hand to me in friendship. I do not want to lose that, though I think I deserve to.
If I explain my own position, will they get mad? I understand they think I've backstabbed them, writing in a blog for the internet to see. Why not in a diary? Because my blog is my diary. I think, to them, I appear to be a fake...thinking ugly thoughts about them and blogging about it while joking and laughing with them on the surface. That is not true. What I write, I write in the heat of the moment. After that, it'll pass. It always will. I'm genuine. I always am...being fake is not in my bones. I don't know HOW to be fake. Please, my old friends will tell you that. They know me enough to vouch for that. I did not intend for them to read what I've written but that's no longer the excuse. Because they already did. It's online. It's open.
I'm confused. If I write down my position here, will it qualify as talking behind their backs? Should I tell them what I want to blog about before I actually do? Where do I draw the line herein? I'm confused because in the two years I've blogged, friends had came and gone without ...being, you know, ...thinking I've backstabbed them. Or had I, after two years, finally overstepped the boundaries?
Its so ironic...Amelia and I was talking about how we access to each other's blogs to find out about our deepest thoughts and that if either of us sounded emotional, troubled or depressed, neither of us will get too worried because we're just writing it on a blog...things we can't say out or shouldn't because it'll hurt a lot of people. It backfired on me, Amelia. Its not that I really did think badly of my friends. Its what I felt in that particular moment. And I just happen to record it down.
My no-names policy did not work. Dare I explain here, now, that my blog is a place for me to vent, my own private space on the internet? That the question why I wrote it here instead of in some obscure diary...that...I do not need to answer that question? I'm afraid. I'm afraid after they all read this, they will write me off for sure. I'm afraid I've unintentionally broke the fragile hands of friendship.
How do I explain I may be sitting here, right now, in my room, crying and trying to rectify the rift I've caused, but tomorrow morning I wake up to a new day? How do I explain I do not put things in my heart, that every new laughter and new jokes is genuine? What have I done? To what extend did I damage things? Is it truly so bad that they question my integrity and myself as a person and a friend? Do they not sense I'm real, no false pretenses? Am I so terrible? Dare I post this up to my blog and dare I let them read this? God...what have I done....what have I done...
GenieOnTheLoose made this comment,
A visitor made this comment,
i don't think there's any wrong with writing what you're feeling... after all, a blog is an internet diary.. it's your blog and you are free to write whatever u want..
however, maybe you should be careful and think before you write, in case you might write something that might hurt someone's feelings..
but, what's done is done.. dun frust over it... it'll be okay.. you're a great friend, and that's all that matters!!